Auction

This weekend Mr. Farmer and I went to a farm auction of a local farmer. The word Auction usually sends chills up my spine and reminds me of the old John Mellencamp song Rain on the Scarecrow.
(If you have never heard it or seen the video check it out below. You will get a sense of what a farm auction is like from it.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=joNzRzZhR2Y

Farm Auctions are so heartbreaking... This particular Auction was on a beautiful farm just north of us by about 20 miles. It was a man who had farmed his whole life. He having reached 85 years old had no one to pass his family legacy on to. No one to take on the plow and work the ground like he and his fathers before him had. I watched this poor man with tears in his eyes as the local farmers were going through his equipment, tools, tractors, and trucks. Each one complimenting under their breath at how well the old man had taken care of this or that piece of equipment. It's shocking how something so common place as the family farm is disappearing before our very eyes! I'm sure I have no idea the depth of pain and sorrow he had watching all his hard work for well over 70 years of his life float away on the wind. He had a pristine farm and home. You could tell by the way his barns were kept that he loved his farm and his life here. The barn was well worn from the elements but clean and tidy. His equipment was old but well maintained. I couldn't help but wonder if 50 years down the road if Mr. Farmer and I would be in the same position... Having to sell off everything we have worked so hard for, because there was no one to pass it along to.

5

This number has been burned in my head for weeks now. It's a number I'm beginning to hate actually. Who could hate an innocent little number like 5? I remember when I was 5. I was soooo ready to go to school. I wanted to be a BIG KID so bad! My lovely sister Retta was a "Big Kid". She was a whole 5 years older then me. She had everything I wanted. She was a blond. I was brunette. Her hair was long and straight. Mine was crazy and frizzy. Retta could always manage to get through conversations with out saying something backwards. I on the other hand always made a fool of myself. Thank you dyslexia. She never had the wild temper I had. Or the crazy impulses to jump into mud puddles. Or run wild though the woods all day. She was always the clean, pulled together, matchy matchy sister... Where I was the sister with the tousled hair and mis matched socks...

Now here we are at 28 and 33 and she is pregnant with her 5th child. My sister has never had one health issue... (Scratch that she is fucking nuts!!! :) She is married to a lifetime student. My brother in law will be 34 does not work. He is a FULL TIME student!! My sister does not work either. She actually home schools my nephews. They just moved into student housing at his newest school about 2 months ago. And she thinks it's time to share the news that they adding one more to there litter.... She is 22 weeks along. She just told my parents last week. Half way though her pregnancy she decides to drop the news to them. She told me 3 weeks before that.

Can you tell how excited I am?

The past 2 maybe 3 years they have lived with his family while he finished one of his many degrees. He graduated from that school this past May. My family actually thought he might begin to use all of this knowledge he has built up and get a JOB with it. But no!! To our surprise he applied at yet another school. But now at this school, he can on a occasion student teach. Oh and lets not forget, he has been published in a few journals!! ::::::Insert eye rolls and yawns:::::: But nothing high paying... He has no steady income, except grants & scholarships! My sister actually went to college got her degree and used it to teach English in a private academy. So yes she is capable of getting a good job. My Bother In Law is going to school to become a priest in their religion so yes it takes time to do that. BUT why would you keep adding all these mouths to feed if you aren't going to be the one to feed them? I don't know what kind of State assistance they get. I'm not really that close with my sister. When she lived her we used to be. But she has done so many bizarre things over the past few years that I don't even want to be associated with her. Much less be known as her sister. I'm just flabbergasted that someone like my sister who doesn't own a home, has NEVER had to buy a vehicle, (They have always been donated to them by very caring, fellow church members. ) can shoot babies out like a human Pez Dispenser!!! What the Fuck?

There really is NO justice in this life!

When I was little, anytime someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I told them I was going to be a mom. I have dreamed of being a mommy my whole life. And here I am thrown right back to that 5 year old backward little girl with the messy hair. Who's older sister could do everything I wanted and but never could.

Day 23

A YouTube video



I am going to skip today's 30 Day Blog Journal question because: reason number 1 I'm not a YouTube hound. I can only think of about 3 clips I have ever seen on YouTube. They were each fertility related. And reason number 2 guess who has come to visit the Farmer household? I bet you can't guess!!!!!!!!!!!...

Are you guessing?



Think Really Hard...



Doo Dooo Doooooo DOOOO DOOoOo DO!!! Da Do DOOOOOO DOOOOOoooo DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Do!!! Da DO DOOOOOOOOOOO Dooo DOoo!!! Da Do







That was my impersonation of Jeopardy... I know it sounded just like it too!







Anyway the number 2 reason why I'm not posting about YouTube today is: As some of you may know I have been working out. But not just working out. I have been going to Zumba. Which kicks your butt! But is freaking fantastic!! Anyway I think all this working out has actually paid off by exercising some of my demons out of me! And just what demons do I need exercised you might be asking? Well numero uno demon being my being the lack of AF!!! Well as of today I don't have a lack of her anymore!! I naturally had a period!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



:::::::::::::PAUSE for HAPPY DANCE!!!!!!!:::::::::::::::



Can you freaking believe it? I can't!! I'm really just in a state of awe right now! Even though I feel like an elephant that needs to go on Jenn.y Craig. And I've been packing around an invisible devil child on my back, who's been beating my head in with a Tonka Truck daily now for a week. Oh and lets not forget my zits! Holy Cow the Zits!! They are now the size of Texas. But really I am freaking fantastic!! I feel like I've actually accomplished something!!! I haven't really lost pounds because PCOS being the bitch that she is won't let go of the weight. But I am still losing inches!!! Which is awesome and I'm gaining muscle. So I'm not going to complain at all!! I actually was starting to worry this past week cause I felt so shitty. I almost bailed on my Zumba classes mon & thurs night cause I felt so terrible. But I thought I would just go and try and muscle though them. And just leave early if I couldn't make it. But I made it through and then this morning I got a lovely gift. Something I have worked so hard for!

August

I have been MIA for over a month now. I suddenly got struck with a severe allergic reaction to blogging. Not sure why. But I avoided writing at all costs!! I really can't explain why I get into ruts like this but I do. So before I let a whole month slip away with out blogging I'm going to do a month in review....

The last week of July Mama Farmer was told before she did more chemo she would need to have a round of immunity boosting shoots. So from the 1st of August through the 4th she got shots to help build her immunity. On the 6th she had to have more fluid drained from her abdomen. Poor gal has been having anywhere from 7 to 9 liters drained each week. It's become her Friday afternoon ritual.

On August 10th was our monthly Book Club meeting. Which I was hosting this time around. We ended up having a record amount of attendees. Which was awesome because it was our 1 year anniversary!! It was quite exciting seeing how big we had grown in a years time. The book we discussed was my pick. I was actually a little disappointed. I chose: Eat, Pray, Love By: Elizabeth Gilbert. I chose it mostly because the movie was going to be coming out 3 or 4 days after our meeting. It was a very hard book for me to get through. I was not impressed! I actually liked the movie more then the book. I think that's the first time I have ever been able to say that. But anyway check out the movie it was great. The book club went as a group to a matinee on the following Saturday. It was a blast seeing it together because we all were laughing at the same times and whispering to each other when we thought something would have looked different in the movie. We meet for lunch at a great little downtown cafe. It was a wonderful book club meeting and Saturday lunch date.

August 13th Mama Farmer had to have another 9 liters drained... The doctors are beginning to be more and more concerned with the amount of fluid she is creating. So they have decide to put off doing Chemo till her strength returns and hopefully the liver will cut back on creating so much excess fluid...

The next week was actually pretty uneventful except for my weekly exercise class. Back in July my mama literally begged me to take a Zumba class with her. She is always looking for something for "Us" to do together. So we can bond.... I don't know if you all know this but my mother drives me batty!! But I knew she wouldn't let up unless I just gave in and went with her. So I did and no I have a new obsession!!!! Zumba !!!!! Oh my goodness if you don't know what this is you need to run to your local gym and beg for them to start it!!! I also thought that if I went to this class with my mom I would be able to spend time with her, without "spending" time with her. If you get my drift!! :) I have been working really hard and diet and exercise this past month. I'm going to the gym for Zumba 2 to 3 days a week. I haven't lost any lbs but I know I'm losing serious inches!!! My arms and legs are getting so toned!! I can't believe it!!! And now I don't feel guilty for ever seeing my mother... And we are sooo busy working out she can't say anything snarky!!! I only have to listen to her snarkiness walking into class and walking out! How about them apples?

August 18th and 19th I had my yearly meltdown... The one where I am reminded at how old my ovaries are going to be on the 20th of August. Last year I had a melt down at work when I came back from lunch and my office had a surprise birthday party for me. They had cake, ice cream, balloons, flowers, the works! Yes I know you probably think I'm to young to have birthday melt downs! But I always thought I would have had all my kiddos by now and my hubby and I would just be happy raising toddlers in to happy children... Not trying to deal with the fact that I may never be a parent... So this year I took the dreaded day off so as to avoid any surprises. Side note: Tears and snot don't look very nice on pastel cake icing
I had planned on spending the whole day with my hubby hauling grain and not letting my brain wonder to "the Dark side." But my mother being the wonderful mother that she is. Had other plans!! My mom planned a lunch date for me, mom, dad my aunt (my godmother) Aka Mrs. Fertile Mertyle and 3 of her 11 children. She has never had a multiple these are all singletons!! She is a wonderful mother! She is a stay at home mom. My uncle has a wonderful job. But of all people for my mother to surprise me with this is the woman! I got to spend the one day that is the darkest for me staring back at her with watching my sweet little cousin cuddle in her lap. And knowing if she wanted to she could have one more... Yes these are the woman in my family the ones that say I'm ready for another one... 9 months later they have a beautiful baby bundle in their arms. I am the 2nd oldest grandchild of 42 grandchildren!!! This number does not include any great grand babies! My mom's side of the family is huge and it's so frustrating because every female is fertile but me!!!
So I sit at my surprise birthday luncheon trying to enjoy myself and I do for the most part. But sometimes my heart burns being around the woman on mom's side. Because they are all blissfully ignorant of the pain associated with being reproductively challenged. I thanked her profusely for driving up with the kiddos and and spending time with me on my birthday. This aunt is actually closer in age to me then she is to my mother. When I was younger we were quite close. She was just like an older sister to me and my sister.
By the time I had gotten home I was so emotionally drained. I had wanted to avoid all subjects pertaining to pregnancy, birth, babies, children, etc. on my Birthday and instead I was exposed to lethal does of all the above. I was so blue by the time Hubby came home I didn't want to celebrate anymore! But he wanted to take me shopping for my birthday present. I had it in my head that I was going to get an e-reader. I've been drooling over them for awhile now!! And so we drive the hour down to the biggest town around to look them over. And I talk myself out of all of the ones at bes.t buy because they were CRAPPY!!! And me being the tech savvy that I am didn't realize that the only place they had the k.indle was at Ta.rget!! Am I the only one who didn't know that? So we run over to the Ta.rget. To get my Birthday present and guess what? They didn't have ANY!!! And it will be several weeks before they do be cause the new version has just come out!! Just my Luck!! So not only did I not get to do what I wanted for my birthday, I had to suffer through all the questions I cannot stand and then I didn't even get the present that I wanted!!! All I wanted was a day for ME!! Was that to much to ask for?

After the birthday fiasco I had a somewhat quiet week at work. And then we actually got Mama Farmer talked into a little trip with her 2 besties to the French Lick Spa!! We didn't think we were going to get her to go. She changed her mind a half a dozen times before they actually picked her up. She thought she would get sick while she was there or the food wouldn't agree with her. But nothing bad happened. The food all agreed with her and she had a blast with her girlfriends! They got the works done. (As much as she could participate in considering her health) I tell you though, she looked like a different woman when she came home! She was literally glowing Sunday afternoon! I really think it boosted her morale. We all have tried so hard to help her and to be there for her. We have tried everything in our arsenal to cheer her up and to help her feel better. But I guess there are just some things that only your girlfriends can do...

That my friends if you are still here and made it this far was my month... I hate that I have been so lax in writing. I'm hoping to remedy that! I plan on doing a blog kick in the pants! So stay tuned.

Love & Hugs to you all!!

I cracked the door...

...of the Infertility closet and stuck my bright 1940's secretary red polished toe out and let the light hit it....

I'm not going to say I have come completely out of the closet like one of my heroes But I'm taking baby steps to get to that point. Last night was our monthly book club meeting and it was fantastic!! When I walked into that meeting last night the thought of announcing my struggle to conceive a child was not on the forefront of conversation topics. I use my book club meetings as some what of an escape. Maybe an escape from reality. Que: Queen!!! ::I'm just a poor boy nobody likes me...:: But really I hate to say this, but with all the trials that test a soul it is nice to just step out of it all sometimes. And that is what my book club bubble has become for me. A getaway. So last night we discussed last month's book which was quite gut wrenching to read. It was: In Harm's Way by: Doug Stanton. Which is the story of the sinking of the USS Indianapolis. Which was a very tragic event in WWII. I have to say there was so much information it was hard to read. And the author was VERY GRAPHIC in his description of what happened to these men. But that isn't what led me to crack the door to my closet. We had such a flowing conversation on this book. We got worked up and angry at the government who didn't protect Our Soldiers. We cried about the terrible losses this country had because of it. But then with that we walked our way into so many different places in our discussions. And some how or another we found ourselves in a discussion about labor & delivery, babies and the all too common ttc conversations. Someone mentioned that they would have loved to have gotten the chance of "Trying" to get pregnant instead of being surprised each time. And then she said it must be fun to just be able to "Try?" And then it just spewed forth from my mouth! I couldn't catch it! No it's not!!! I stated! Try, 2 years of having to "Try." I saw the words floating out in front of me. With no way to stop them! I haven't EVER told ANYBODY that in a public setting! Except here where I'm safe to express my feelings. I only have a aunt who knows and 2 close friends who somewhat know what we are dealing with but they don't quite know the extent and here I just announced to the whole room the TTC sucks!! I just brought my reality into my Never Never Land. I led it by the hand into the room kicking and screaming as I dragged her. But here is the surprising thing: After I had said it we talked about it and the conversation naturally moved along to other things. But something changed in me!! It didn't feel like I had that scarlet letter "I" embroidered on my heart anymore. Even though no one in the room even noticed I had made such a monumental step last night. I felt better about it. Okay, now women I don't know that well, know something about me, my own family doesn't even know! But it felt GREAT! Why? I have no idea. But like I said it was a huge step in accepting this whole pile of crap I've been dealt and as of late I have tried hard to avoid. Mostly because there are so many more major things going on in our lives. One being Mama Farmer's illness. But today is the start of her final chemo. She will get hooked up in about 2 hours and will carry her last pack of chemo around for the next 48 hours. On Friday they will remove it and that will be it for treatments!! God Willing in 4 to 6 weeks when she goes in for her next PET scan she will be Cancer FREE!!! And then maybe 2 months after that we can slowly get some semblance of order back into our lives. She will get her sense of taste back, she will begin to slowly gain some weight and won't look like a little girl playing dress up in her mother's clothes. Maybe my husband and I can get a little bit of our old routine back... And then maybe, just maybe I could begin to think about treatments for myself again... I just feel so hopeful today!! All because of one outburst!!! Who would have thought saying something I have been afraid of admitting to would make me feel better?

Leo

Yes my horoscope tells me I'm a Leo. I'm not really into all that nonsense but on occasion I will read it if some one has a copy of the paper laying on their desk. Today one of the guys I work with had an article he wanted me to read in our local paper. So I read it and my eyes glanced over to the Horoscope column and quickly found this:

LEO (July 23- Aug 22) - Some major impediments in an arrangement you're trying to get to work will finally break away and let you grow crops in what was a field of weeds.

Ummmm Well that was interesting! I do tend to think of my body as a barren field... So what would the major impediment be? Maybe the fact that I did not ovulate with my miracle herbs! Or maybe I will get another period on them in the next week or so and then in the new cycle I will ovulate!!!!... That is a lot to think about. I just thought I would share this with you all. Since I thought it was so funny that it was farming related and kinda sorta made me think. I'm thinking I need you all to give me your insights on what this horoscope means. I don't know how to decipher them. And I always like to add: "In Bed" even though you are only supposed to do that on fortune cookies!! :)

Oh Holy cow!!! For shits and Giggles I just read Mr. Farmers!! Hold on to your hats!!!

Pisces (Feb 20- March 20) - If you have something interesting you've been working on, and you are ready to launch, throw the switch now. You could be extremely lucky today regarding new endeavors.

WOW! Now if that's not creepy I don't know what is! I think just to be on the safe side I might have to jump Mr. Farmer tonight... Hey my Horoscope said so right?

Fertility update: I pulled out the dreaded, evil and despicable CBEFM. Back when I began spotting about 31 days ago and i peed on sticks faithfully every morning for 20 days. Now it's telling me it's low again I never got a peak fert symbol. But I feel really good taking this stuff I don't know what it's doing. I had some pretty weird cramping right around the time I "should" have been ovulating. So maybe my body is trying to do this. I think I will go one more round on the "Au natural stuff" and then maybe in about 2 months time we will be in a better position to go back to the RE and try again. Mama Farmer actually feels somewhat better but she is carrying a whole lot of equipment around with her. They just added a vacuum to the wound on her stomach to assist in the healing. Her body just is not wanting to heal and I know the chemo probably is mostly to blame for that. But hopefully by the end of June she will have finished all the Chemo treatments. She had to do 13 total and we will be coming up on the 11th this next week. So by July Mr. Farmer will have harvested the wheat got the late beans planted and we will slow down a little. And I will be on may way to Dr. B.... Maybe

Why Me?

You know how I posted all those smart and snappy remarks to use for when some one came up to me and asked why Mr. Farmer and I still hadn't produced any children... Well those funny little remarks flew right out of my head yesterday when a guy I have worked with for 7 years said one of the most terrible comments I have ever gotten.... I was sitting at my desk minding my business as usual. He came by to stand in my office door since my office is near the sales fax. Jim pokes his head in and asks: So Mrs. Farmer how was your Mother's Day? I shrugged my shoulders and said Jim you do know that I don't have kids right? Oh yes I know... So did you have a good Mother's Day. And so I said yes it was fine, I planted flowers and spent some time with My Mother In Law. And then he proceeds to ask me: So Mrs. Farmer will this be the Last Mother's Day you celebrate with out children?... OMFG!!!! He even laughed after he said it... Like he had just told the funniest joke of the day. I sat there and imagined smashing his head in with my fist... And pulling out that evil tongue that said such nasty things. And do you know what? The only thing I could think up to say was WOW! I think I shook my head looked down at my hands and said wow a second time and then I told Jim I don't know? Why don't you tell me? Is this going to be the last one? I literally had to bite the insides of my cheeks as he walked away so I could keep from crying! I would never in a million years have said that to someone who didn't have children. Esp if I had worked with them for 7 years!! And that person had not had children and didn't ever talk about children. You would kind of get the hint that it might be a tad taboo!!! I'm still flabbergasted today as I type this out. Why do people think that it's funny? And why would they think it was their business to know that kind of personal information while waiting on a fax? I hate people.... I hate people I work with... I hate people who think they should know every juicy bit of information about you but never share the slightest bit of information about themselves... I hate that I'm the type of person that gets hurt by stupid people like that!

This Saturday night depending on the weather... Mr. Farmer and I will be heading out to his High School Mixer. Which is usually tons of fun. But because of the timing we don't always get to go because of planting season and the fact that crops need to get put into the ground before we can party. So the last 2 years we haven't made it to the mixer. So this year could be the first year we have gone since we have been officially TTC. And I know the phrases that I love to hear will be thrown out there and then they will be followed by awkward silences. I'm just hoping I can get tanked up really good this year and I won't remember any of the rude questions about our still being childless or I get really tanked up and throw some not so nice comments back!

Mr. Farmer is 6 years older then me. And so many of the couples that we know have children that are already in Kindergarten and a few are even older then that. Some of these couples have been together as long as Mr. Farmer and I have been together. We were just a little slower at getting married. Hubby and I dated for 5 years before we got married so altogether we have been a couple for nearly nine years!!! So every time we get together with his crowd we have to hear all kinds of "helpful advice" not so nice comments and some actually down right rude comments.

But this time around I'm going to implement a plan to counter attack the nosy fertile ones... See below!!!

Here are my top 5 excuses that I'm going to use when someone comes up to ask why we haven't had any kids yet... Or some other idiotic question regarding my reproductive status! This time I'm going to be prepared!

1.) Well see I don't want to loose my School girl Figure... (::Insert hysterically drunk laughing here:: and then point at the woman who said the above comment or point to said commenter's wife and say:: "like you/she did"::and then laugh again::)

2.) Well see I like to be able to drink alcohol till my face turns numb!!! And you can't really do that if your knocked up or have a kid hanging on you...

3.) Well we don't have to worry about getting home to relieve a babysitter. Heck we could drive to Florida tonight and we wouldn't have to tell a soul!

4.) Mr. Farmer and I can sleep in as late as we want after an all night drinking binge. And we don't have to worry about having to get up to take care of a little kiddo.

5.) My 1968 Brittany Blue Mustang would not look very cool with a baby seat in the back

I'm sure I don't have to explain that I would gladly give up all these things for the rest of eternity if I knew I could have child in my arms... But by actually acknowledging that we have a problem to some of these idiots would just make it ten time worse. So for me and Mr. Farmer it's easier to think of funny or not so nice come backs to say to nosy people who don't really need to know our reproductive status... Please think of some more good come backs and share them in the comments!! I'm sure we are going to need them!

Love & Hugs

National Day of Prayer

Since today is the National Day of Prayer and I thought I would write about prayer.

I have been trying to pray for all of my bloggy friends everyday. I thought I would ask the same of you. I know some people don't believe in prayer and I have only lately began to pray again. I'm not asking you to pray to God if you don't believe. But please just send some good thoughts out to each other. Or a great big virtual hug to each other.

I don't know what has come over me lately but I have been trying harder and harder to pray for God's will instead of my own... It has been so difficult asking for that. Instead of praying that "I become pregnant as soon as possible." or "please make me a mother." I'm actually trying to focus on what is, meant To Be. Not what I want, To Be. It has been such a struggle. Some days it has been easier then others. And some days not so easy. But I thought if maybe we could all pray, send happy thoughts, or just some good karma to each other it might bring some peace into our hearts. So please think of all our bloggy sisters today!!

Sending you all the prayers and good thoughts I can muster!!!

Love & Hugs

What If...

What if I can't give my husband an heir... I know this isn't Mid-evil times. This is not the year 1510!! Why? Do you ask, am I'm acting like it is? Let me explain my madness...

My husband is a farmer. And as such, farm families pass the ground & business on to the next generation. My husband is the last in his family, his father had 2 brothers none of whom had sons so the farm passes to my husband. Mr. Farmer is the last of 5+ generations farming and living on this ground. And he has no one to pass this on to. His ground has been in his family for hundreds of years. I know it has come up between his mother and father about what is going to happen to "The Farm" when they die. What will happen to the ground they poured their very blood, sweat and tears into?

What if I can't give a child to my husband?

This thought keeps me up at night. I'm the first wife in this long line of Farmer women who could not produce an heir... If this was the year 1510 I could be beheaded for not producing an heir!! I realize my husband is not that shallow as to leave me for some one who could produce a child. But I want more then anything to give him the sons/daughters he deserves.

What if... We turn 70 and we have no children? We will end up having to sell his family's heritage, and history instead of having someone to pass that legacy on to...

What if... We never have a biological child but we get the opportunity to adopt and can create a new legacy!! And his name will still have chance to live on? I hope that no matter what we will have a child, whether it is born through my body or through my heart. I will give him a child!!

Please go over to Mels blog and read other IFs.

www.resolve.org/infertility101

www.resolve.org/takecharge

The Un-Anniversary...

In 2 weeks we will be hitting an anniversary I never thought we would ever get to. I remember being so naive in thinking that it would probably take Mr. Farmer and I awhile to get pregnant... 6 months maybe. A year tops!... But now we are nearing the 2 year mark of officially Trying To Conceive. I'm not going to say that I'm mad or even aggravated. I actually think at times I feel a little blessed for all the time we have had together. Other times I don't... I do think we have grown a whole lot in the last 2 years. Especially in the last year. I feel somewhat calloused though. Not as trusting as I was back then. I sometimes miss that young impressionable Mrs. Farmer. The one who read from cover to cover 2 separate times: "What to Expect when your Expecting." Thinking that by the time I finish this book the 2nd time we should be pregnant! I remember thinking that if I wasn't thinking positive thoughts I could send bad vibes to my uterus.... I had all these cute innocent little ideas I had thought up. The first year we were trying I found myself buying clothes for a baby that didn't even exist! I had little toys and nursery decorations too! Now all those things are sitting in a wardrobe that was once in my own nursery as a child. I swear at times I can hear those play things whispering to me... Sometimes they are taunting me. Telling me they will never ever be played with! Because I jumped the gun! I bought toys for a phantom baby!.... And other times I swear they are whispering apologies to me. Saying how they feel sorry for the fact that I have a wardrobe full of baby things and no baby to use them.

Yes I know I'm nuts!! I hear toys talking! I swear it's just infertility induced craziness! But maybe it's not! Maybe it just took the infertility to make it surface. And that in turn is why I'm still not Knocked the F&*K up!!! I'm too mentally damaged to have children...

I have been contemplating boxing them up tight maybe double boxing them and then wrapping duct tape around the whole freaking thing and putting them in the attic at Mama Farmer's house. I think that after 2 years I probably should. I think I'm being a glutton for punishment if I keep them in that damn wardrobe. I remember how I used to open it up and unfold those little clothes and just imagine a little body filling those hollow little outfits. He would have his father's eyes, my cheeks, his father's temperament and maybe even my eyebrows. But now I just don't see him anymore.

Fertili Tea

I can't believe it but I have been drinking my FertiliTea faithfully since I got it. And you all won't believe this!! I'm actually getting the warnings that Auntie Flow is coming soon... I don't want to be a TMI poster. But I have had visual confirmation that Auntie Flow is in town and will be arriving at my door soon!!! Like maybe this afternoon!!!! I'm amazed!!! I actually started drinking the tea on Monday Apr 12th in the afternoon! I had just placed the order the Friday (9th) before!! That is some super fast shipping!! The tea tastes AWESOME!! It is exactly just like the peppermint tea I already drink . It's not hard to get used to at all. And the tablets aren't bothering my stomach which I was a little worried about. I feel really good. No weird side effects. I'm just totally floored that this stuff is working so quick! I never in a million years would have expected it to work in a weeks time. I even think I'm going to run by the drug store today and buy a box of sticks for my CBEFM. I pulled the darn thing out of the back of the closet yesterday and blew the dust of it. Even though I have a strong hatred for that expensive little beast!!! I think I'm ready to see if this stuff will actually make me ovulate!! How awesome would that be? I would love to do a natural cycle for once. I never even cycle!! So here we go girls!!

I know some of you may think I'm giving up on treatments (TI w/ gonal F) for good. But I'm not! I'm just giving up on doing them for now. I just feel like Mr. Farmer and I are not in a good place emotionally right now to start again. With Mama Farmer's health up in the air and all these animals, and no planting season here upon, we just don't have the energy to add into the mix with the fertility stress. All I want to do right now is try my best on my own to get the lady bits into some sort of natural rhythm.

Thank You Mrs. Ashley!!

This post is kind of a Thank you note and a PSA all wrapped up in one!

The other day I was writing about maybe looking into a fertility treatment that was a little less invasive then the injectables, with constant monitoring. Where my hubby and I, are at right now in our lives with his mama being sick and having to take care of 2 farms and 2 households full time. It's just to hectic to even begin to think about adding a new cycle into the mix right now. Especially since we are full swing in Planting season. So I thought about seeing another doctor and see what he had to say. But I have to say I chickened out!! I'm just not ready to go into all that again. I think I'm just remembering the hour drive to the dr every morning being hopeful and then the hour back to work crying. Then my whole day being jacked up cause I was chock full of hormones and a ball of nerves waiting to hear back about the results. I guess I'm just too freaking sensitive!!! So I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. But I didn't want to keep wasting time!!

But then Mrs. Ashley over at Infertile Myrtle http://ifashley.blogspot.com/ stopped in and told me about FertilAid and how it helped her ovulate!!! I secretly don't think I have ever ovulated! So I was intrigued! I went to the website: http://www.fairhavenhealth.com/ and there are literally tons of reviews from woman who have PCOS or who were regular but not ovulating. And who after having used it and it they began to ovulate and even become regular! I'm not so much buying it to get pregnant all though that would be awesome!! I would just love to be able to start cycling like a "NORMAL" woman! I have NEVER EVER been regular. I would really like to be able to work with my body to get it on some kind of routine. Right after I read the reviews I thought what the hell! it's not expensive and if I could get my body to give me a period just once with out prometruim it would pay for it self in my opinion! So I ordered a bottle of the supplement and bag of the FertiliTea and a Fertility Candle... Yes Total Cheese I know!! But I'm a sucker for candles and I was on a mission!! Oh and they had free shipping!! So I stocked up!! I was on the site for a long time just reading everything I could.They make formulas for guys and gals! Although we won't be needing the guy formula. It actually just sounds like a SUPER DUPER Vitamin! Here are the facts:

FertiliTea Organic and Wildcrafted Herbal Ingredients:
• Chasteberry (vitex) - stimulates the hormones involved with ovulation and helps restore female hormonal balance. It is used as an herbal treatment for infertility and is especially helpful for women with irregular cycles, failure to ovulate, or a short luteal phase.
• Red raspberry leaf - highly regarded for its ability to tone the uterus and muscles of the pelvic region. A highly nutritive ingredient, red raspberry is a powerful fertility-promoting herb, especially when used in combination with peppermint.
• Green tea - a powerful antioxidant that enhances reproductive health by repairing the oxidative damage that occurs naturally as the result of environmental toxins and aging. Much has been written about the positive correlation between green tea and fertility.
• Ladies mantle - a “tonic” herb that is useful in regulating a woman’s monthly cycle. It also exerts a toning effect on the cervix.
• Nettle leaf – contains a wide spectrum of vitamins and minerals that are critical to good reproductive health, including Vitamins A, C, D, K, potassium, phosphorous, iron, and sulfur; also contains calcium, key for conception and maintaining pregnancy.
• Peppermint leaf – gives FertiliTea a delicious flavor and has the added benefit of serving as a sexual stimulant.

Well for everything I ordered it wasn't expensive at all. And free shipping to boot! So if your wanting to try something different check it out! My order said it had shipped out to day too! So that was nice to know that they work quickly! So now I'm beginning to feel like I'm actually being proactive instead of just waiting... Oh and stop by Infertile Myrtle and give her some Love!!!

Thank You Ashley for being so sweet and sharing that info with me I really appreciate it!! And also to the gals who shared links to other bloggers! I have been checking them all out! Thanks again!!!

Oh and I apologize for my lack of skills on making the links Blog "correct" I couldn't for the life of me get the damn thing to work so I gave up!! I'm soo sorry maybe I will one day figure out the art of making a correct clickable link!!

Love & Hugs

Just call me Oscar...

The Grouch that is!! I don't know what my problem is? The last week or so I have just been terribly grouchy... Poor Mr. Farmer!! I wish I knew when My Auntie would show her ugly face! Having PCOS sucks donkey balls!! I can't ever blame my bad moods or crying jags on PMS. Because I never have a freaking period!!! Now I can feel myself getting grouchier as I type this all out! I apologize for that. But my goodness What the hell is wrong with me?

Oh and Sunday was freaking fantastic!!! Mr. Farmer's Uncle asked if we had anything we would like to announce... I said like what? (Knowing full well what he meant!) And Mr. Farmer said yes I've got something to announce: We are heading home! Ha -Ha Ha-Ha! Then Uncle Farmer said NO!! I mean when are we going to hear an announcement about you 2 FINALLY having a baby? We need another baby in this family!! I'm beginning to think you all don't know how to do it!! Maybe we need to have some classes!!! Then Mr. Farmer's grandmother jumped up on the bandwagon. She starts saying how I've got to be the one to have the twins in the family! Because every generation has a set of twins... I didn't have the patience or the guts to explain to Mr. Farmer's Grandmother that Mr. Farmer's family twin gene won't get passed on though him... So after about 10 minutes of crude jokes about learning how to "do it" we made it out of there. The sides of my cheeks are still hurting from having to bite them so hard to keep from speaking my mind!! That I guess may be part of the reason why I'm still grouchy! Why do nosy family members feel the need to throw it in your face that you have yet to produce an "heir?"

Oh lord I'm so thankful that the holidays are over for now. I hope everyone had a peaceful and restful Holiday. Easter was so beautiful this year!!! (The Weather not the family gatherings!!:)

I think I'm gearing myself up for trying a different route of Infertility treatment. I'm not sure though if it will help a woman with PCOS. I have heard about this amazing OB/GYN in town not too far from where we live. I will give you all a link and see if you can fill me in.

I was raised Catholic in a VERY Religious family. But as of late I have become a lapsed Catholic... I have had a hard time with the teachings of The Church on Infertility treatments. My mother's entire family is VERY fertile so they practice The Creighton Method for family planning.

So today I was so down in the dumps and blue about not being able to do another cycle until our family life clams down. I find myself searching on Google and low and behold I found catholicinfertility.org

I'm not sure what made me follow that site to this link:
Fertilitycare.org

I thought it was all very interesting. But what do you think? I have to say I am interested in at least speaking to a Dr. who deals with the NaProTECHNOLOGY. But do you think that it's all it's cracked up to be? Or is it just another smoke and mirror ploy? I don't know if I want to start all over again with a new doctor and a new office. But I will admit I'm having some mixed emotions about going the IVF route. It's not because of growing up Catholic. I think I'm just worried about the tremendous amount of stress, money and emotion going into it. But I feel comfortable with IUI's those don't seem as foreboding to me for some strange reason. But there isn't hardly anything on the above site about PCOS so I guess I would really need to get more info before I proceed. But do you all think I'm wasting my time trying another venture? Or should I just stick with the tried and true?

Getting to know me

You know I didn’t realize until today that I have never really told you all too much about myself. As far as where I came from and what I did before I began blogging. So here is some background info.

I’m 27 years old. I work as a wholesale salesperson/Administrative Assistant in a very large wholesale tire company. I have been here for 7 years. I work in a predominantly male work environment. Which is awesome the majority of the time! I use to work at a hospital on in Alzheimer’s Unit as a CPCT. I love that job! I worked there for over 3 years. I lived with my Grandmother while I worked there. It was a fun time in my life. But I broke my foot and had to quit. So I got this job and moved back to my hometown.

I have been with my hubby for over 8 years we were set up on a blind date and the rest is history I guess. We just clicked! It was awesome. We had both come out of some rocky relationships. A friend of mine knew his mother and talked to her about me. So she set a time up so she and I could meet one day. So I actually met his Mama Farmer before I actually met him. It was so funny and cute.

We live on a farm, were we grow mostly grains, such as soybeans, corn and wheat. Occasionally sunflowers too which is just about the most amazing site on creation!!! I hope heaven is just like a 1,000-acre field of sunflowers. I will send you pictures if he puts some out this year. I have been in love with farming since I was a little girl. That was all I wanted in life was to grow up and marry my grandpa or my uncles. Which ended up being quite a dreadful blow when I found out I couldn’t actually do that!!! So I just settled with the next best thing: spending every moment I could at my grandfather’s house helping him and taking care of him after my grandmother passed away.

I was home-schooled (please don’t hold that against me) through most of my school years. From Middle School on. I hated it to begin with and then I got used to it. By the time I was in High School I liked it enough I guess. Because I could take my schoolwork over to my grandfathers and hang out with him. As the years went on I really wanted to pursue the nursing field because my grandfather had gotten cancer and being with him so much I ended up becoming his nurse and I loved it. After he died. I then worked on becoming a C.N.A at a local nursing home and from there I found a great job at St. Mary’s a very large hospital in Evansville and worked there for close to 3 years. While I was living there a friend introduced me to Mr. Farmer as I said above. But then I broke my foot and so I moved home and took a job where I didn’t have to work weekends or holidays and I was closer to Mr. Farmer. So that was a nice little perk. Mr. Farmer and I got married in 2006 and we live on his families farm. He is a 6th generation farmer. The farm has passed from son to son for 6 generations and I know he hopes to be able to do the same one day.

I have one older sister who is 33 and is the mother of 4 children, 3 boys and a little girl. She married a man she went to college with. And they live in Rhode Island. He is getting ready to start a doctorate program at Princeton University. So they will be moving at some point this summer. My brother is 24 he is an Aviation Ordnance men in the Navy. His home base is on the Island of Oahu, in Hawaii. He has just Re-upped for 3 more years. And is looking forward to going to Afghanistan for a year training the Afghan police force.

My Hubby is 34 years old he works full time as a Farmer he also hauls grain for local companies. Which tends to keeps him pretty busy through the winter and early spring. He has 1 older sister who is married and has 3 children and she lives quite close so we get to have the kids a lot. My husband and I are each other’s best friends pretty much. We do just about everything together. We can talk about everything together. I love that about our relationship.

We have slowly been building our businesses. Trucking and farming. We recently just built a new barn at our home. Our other outbuildings are all near his parents or down the lane from our home and we wanted one close to our home. So we finished that last Christmas. And now he has his eye on a new tractor!!! Of course his excuse always is that we will need a BIG tax write off!! So now he needs one for 2010 since we already used the barn for 2008 and 2009. God Love him. I swear I never learned so much about money/taxes and business as I did the 1st few months of being married.

My parents are still married to each other. They live about 10 minutes away from us on my father's family farm that has been in his family since the revolutionary war. My dad works for a Railroading company. He never liked farming so My hubby farms his ground for him. My mother just got her 1st job last year. She works part time at a local hard ware store. (Which in my humble opinion is: absolutely hysterical!!!) The woman never worked a day in her life outside of staying home with us. And it’s the funniest thing hearing about her working. She got a job because she was lonely. My dad works out of town a lot and they live way out in the sticks. So with my brother being gone now I guess she wanted some human interaction. Which like I said when you hear her stories it’s like she has never had contact with the outside world before… My mother is probably my biggest annoyance in this life!! I LOVE my dad but my mother is just an entirely different story. Needless to say I don’t talk about TTC with her cause every body in my home town and the neighboring counties would know if I told her.


Now I challenge you all to do the same!! Instead, of us writing the posts floating around with the random questions. I just want you to tell me about where you came from! How you got to where you are today I want to get to know you all, minus the infertility, charting, family problems, and all the fantastic doctor’s Appointments…

My goodness time has really gotten away from me again!! I'm soo sorry. We are still taking care of 2 households. And it's gotten a tad bit harder because now it's spring and Hubby is having to start working ground (1st step in getting the ground ready to plant grain). My Mama In law is still being hard headed!! Although we have gotten her to eat some ice cream along with the Ensure/Boost! And she has gained 2 pounds!!! So maybe we can cut the daily tongue lashings back a little. But she is still is depressed. Her Oncologist seems to think it's from her being upset about the fact that she got cancer in the 1st place. I don't know if I can agree with that. But I see his point. He thinks that since she has been healthy her whole entire life. And the only time she has ever spent in the hospital was after the birth of her children. And now she here she has been in and out of the hospital for over 2 months and barely able to function for over 4 months. So I guess maybe he might know something. But I just can't understand why she is depressed now! When the worst is behind her....

Other then the drama with the mama we are treading water. Hubby and I are doing great. My treatments for infertility are still hanging out on the back burner. I just feel to maxed out emotionally to have to try and deal with that too. But the want for a child waxes and wanes. Some days I think that maybe it's better this way. Just being the 2 of us. We can come and go when we want and stay out late and not have to worry about a baby sitter. Or even go backroading in the mustang at 10 o'clock at night and not have a baby to get home to. But then I think that maybe we only do those things because we don't have a baby to care for. That we fill up our free time with all that extra. And then I think about how much it hurts to know that if I keep going along making excuses as to why I'm not doing treatments I will wake up one day and it will be too late to do them. I ache for a child to hold in my arms. But it scares me to think that I might lose what Mr. Farmer and I have right now. We are soo happy right now.

I'm freely going to admit that I'm scared to death to get pregnant!!

But I'm scared to death I won't get pregnant!!

Now what sense does that make? Yes I know I don't make sense but I just thought I would throw it out there and expose myself for what I am... A Big fat Infertile Chicken!!

I have been having so many mixed emotions lately about getting KU and I don't really know how to deal with them or much less how to express them. So I'm dumping them all on you!!!

Next thing on the agenda: I think I'm going to have to ask for some Ass-vice on something. It's been waying pretty heavy on my mind. And to be quite honest it sprung out of no where. So Maybe over the next week I will have to lay on my sofa and ask Dr. Bloggy (You all!) to help me figure out the best course of action or maybe you all will tell me to not do anything... So stay tuned!! And if you don't hear from me about this issue then you better beat my blog door down or something!! Cause it's a doozie!

Oh and one more thing I forgot to tell you. The night my book club was set to discuss The Red Tent, my Mama in Law went back into the hospital! So I didn't have to go and deal with all the mama's in the Book club talking about the book and what it meant to them. (ie their birth stories etc.) I know once it got to my turn to tell them how I felt it would have totally gotten awkward so Thank the Lord I had a good excuse not to go this time around.... Although I do hate that Mama Farmer had to go back to the hospital.

**Dear Lord forgive me for thinking that Mama Farmer going into the hospital was a blessing for me!!!**

Well stay tuned for my sofa session cause I'm going to really need some help on this issue!

The Red Tent

As some of you may know I'm in a local book club. I haven't shared much lately cause it has been quiet uneventful. Just great reading!! My book club is compromised of mostly married women with children. The women range in age of 25 to 55. And not a one of them are infertile. They are all happy women who enjoy their children, life and their husbands. This has been perfectly fine for the past several months. I have enjoyed every month and looked forward to our next meeting and the next book. But today this new book hit me like a ton of well, "books." This new read thus far has been beautifully written. It's described from Dinah's point of view, of how she sees the women in her family. Dinah was a woman from the bible. She is the daughter of Jacob and Leah. She wasn't mentioned to much in the bible. Anita Diamant introduces you to her father, four mothers, and twelve brothers. The story seems to take place mostly in "The Red Tent." which is where the women during the dark of the moon. (aka Aunt Flow comes to town) All the women who happen to be sisters have always wanted a daughter to pass their stories down to. Because they can't pass their stories to the sons. The only woman in the family who has a daughter is Leah. So all the sisters pass their stories to Dinah during their mensuration when they are all together in "The Red Tent." So today I'm eating my lunch and reading my book in our local park. And like most Christian women I remember Rachel's struggle to get pregnant and her crying out to God. But I hadn't really thought too much about her lately. Especially when I have been trying to avoid all things fertile or infertile. Then while I'm eating my leftover, homemade goulash. I read where Bilhah, Rachel's younger sister comes to her after watching Rachel struggle with the grief and pain and trying everything in her power to become pregnant. Rachel drank potions from the local mid wife. She slept against trees, laid in rivers, ate snake meat and mandrake. Hoping that something would stir her body to create a life. And Bilhah couldn't watch her laying depression on her mat any longer so she offered her body to her sister. Saying I give you my womb and my breasts for your child. I sat there in my truck trying to swallow the lump that had immediately grown so large in my throat. I could hardly breath. And then those damn tears bursted out of the corners of my eyes. I got broadsided! I had never experienced a love like that from another woman. Or even for another women. It took my breath away to think that this poor little sister just wanted her older sister to be a mother so bad that she offered her body for her. It gives me chills thinking about it now as I type this out.

Had I read the reviews about the book I might have sensed that this book may have infertile undertones... Or maybe some flat out water works inducing pages. And then I probably wouldn't have wanted to read it. But as per usual I try not to find out anything about the upcoming book. Just so I won't have pre-conceived leanings about it.

Now I'm not telling you to not read this book. I will give my official view of this book once I'm done with it. But I'm sure it will be quite interesting.

So now here I am having to deal with my infertility all over again. I never told you all that we had to take a forced break (longer then what we had planned) because our extended family life just fell all to hell around us. This past weekend was the first time we hadn't been to the hospital every day in over 3 weeks. Life had just been to stressful to add fertility treatments into the mix. My plan was just not talk about it, don't think about it, and definitely not deal with it. But the more I would try to not think about it. The more I found myself thinking about it. We would find our self walking behind the most perfect little toddler walking hand in hand with his parents. Looking over his shoulder at us. WHY ME? I would ask. But the voice in the sky wouldn't answer me back.

My Mother in Law, Aka: Mama Farmer. Took a turn for the worst and it was bad for a couple weeks and right now it's still not fantastic but she is doing better. The day we almost lost her 2 weeks ago. I was watching her cancer ravaged body laying in the big white bed and the nurses were flying all around her rushing to get her poor little body stable enough to take her down stairs for emergency surgery. I saw the sheer terror in her eyes. Watching and almost recording her children's faces in her memory. I know why she was doing it. And I felt like I was inside out. Almost Like I wasn't a real woman. I couldn't shake the thought that I may not have anyone to pass my stories on to about my family...

Valued Blogger

My greatest Bloggy friend Marla just nominated me for this wonderful honor and I so I'm going to do the same...

Thank You VERY VERY Much Marla!!!!

Here are the rules:

1.Tell your readers how your journey into blogging began. Be as verbose or shy as you like.

2.Pick 3-5 fellow bloggers whom you adore and write what exactly it is you value about that person or their blog. The more you write about them the better. This is a chance to really appreciate your blog friends who have been there with and for you through thick and thin.

3.Let the blessed winners know they have been awarded.

That's it. Those are the rules. Now, before you think you can give the old line, "I don't want to pick anyone to pass this award onto because I don't want my readers to feel hurt if I don't pick them, so consider yourselves all tagged" I want you to realize that excuse tells all of your blog friends that you are wimping out, amongst other things. ;) Don't feel bad that you can't award everyone, the award will make its rounds and eventually everyone will get it. If you feel bad enough, you can always award more than 5 bloggers.


I started my blog after reading the blog of a local woman in my home town. She wrote about her kiddos and just everyday life with 5 babies!!! She was an inspiration. Then from her blog I linked to another local women who had triplets and was a farmers wife and her story just spoke to my soul!! I never thought about how amazing the everyday occurances where in life until I had someone put them up on a screen with pictures... It really got me thinking how much fun it would be to document everything from the everyday mundane to the huge screw ups I usually get myself into. I loved how she wrote and I loved how this Farmers wife put pictures with her story. I wanted that too. But I was scared to death to be as open with my whole story and my life as she was. I wondered how she got so many readers. I was amazed by this whole world of blogs that I had never realized exitsited outside of my soy bean fields. So I slowly started to post somethings. I went on hiatus a couple times when I just couldn't think of what people wanted to read. So I wouldn't write anything. But I kept reading my blog roll and thats how I found
The Pioneer Woman and my whole world imploded on me. She was me exactly, except that she is skinny and red headed and is able to produce children and they don't have crops they have cattle but her life mirrored mine somewhat. I read every chapter of her Black Heels to Tractor Wheels and I was hooked she kept me begging for more and it was then that I realized I shouldn't be looking for what people want to read... I should blog about what I enjoy writing and taking pictures of. Just worry about being me and not anyone else.


Now onto the blogs...

I am picking 3 because making clicky links is not my forte! But I read soo many blogs and I love so many!! But these are 3 that have touched my soul recently. They have been though a lot lately and I really would like you all to show them some extra loving!!!

1.) The Circus Princess This women has such a beautiful soul! I hate that she is going through such a horrible loss. But she is surfacing and slowly coming to a better place. She is dealing with IF in Europe and her husband is also serving our great country and I take my hat off to her she is a trooper!!! Circus Princess you are my hero!!! I'm praying for you and and your hubby.

2.) Sass Oh where do I begin with Sass? She is a girl I would love to have as my next door neighbor!! She seems like such an awesome indivdual who I could just sit and chat with! Oh and drink Chocolate milk with too. Her posts are so heart warming. But recently her grandmother was diagnosed with cancer and Sass is under quite a bit of stres with that and her mama not being very nice towards her right now. Sassy I'm thinking of you dear and sending you lots of Chocolate milk hugs!!! And wishing you could come and do farming things with me... :)

3.) Kacy at Infertility Instability is a fellow farmers wife she knows the ups and downs of living on a farm with a man whose whole world is tied to the land. I love having some one else who is in the same boat as I am. She recently has suffered a loss and also just celebrated her birthday and is just not in a good place right now. I hope and pray that she can sail through the darkness she is in and come through all this stronger. I know she will I just hate seeing so many strong women brought to their knees with IF!!

So please visit my friends and give them a cyber hug (comment)

And thank you muchly Marla for nominating me for this award even though it took me soo stinking long to post it!!!!

Love and Hugs too you all!!!

Who would have thunk it!!!!

I never thought I would type this much less think it!!
Last night I was preparing for bed. I'm a creature of habit. Its pretty bad. I have to do certain things in a certain order or I just dont feel right. Yes I know that is OCD type behaviour... So last night I had washed my face and got ready to pull my meds, sharps containter, alcohol prep pads etc out of the cabinet and set up my little drug station to inject my meds... Then it hit me that I wasn't going to be doing that again. Not tonight and not for a good while!! I was really out of sorts almost. I felt like I had gotten told all over again that my cycle was cancelled. But this time I thought screw it!! I'm not going to cry about this again!! These hormones aren't going to keep kicking my butt! So I put my meds back in the cabinet and sat down. Then I saw the box of opk's! And I remembered reading how all the girls on the nest would do an opk right after trigger. And I actually thought that sounded desperate at the time to be quite honest. But I thought Fu$k it!! I'm going to pee on a stick!! I have stacks of those darn opk's and I will actually see two lines for a change. So I did it!! It ended up being the highlight of my day!! I peed on that stick and within seconds it was changing. I never in a million years thought that I would get a positive opk. So that was a good boost for the spirits at least. I didn't tell hubby I thought he would think I was nuts for wanting to waste them. But hey its good to know they weren't a bad batch after all!!! I was actually starting to wonder. I have probably peed on a hundred of them and never once saw 2 lines. But not this time!!!

I took a picture with my cell phone so its not a good quality picture! This is the first time I have ever taken a picture of my urine! I'm so glad I got to share this milestone event with you all!!

Cancelled

I hate that word. I never thought to much about my use of the word cancelled until this week. And now that's the only word I can think about...

It's official my cycle has been cancelled due to lack of growth. My E2 level was at a 121 this morning but my follies never grew. Friday my E2 was at 92 so that jumped pretty well. I had around 15 to 20 follies on each side but they weren't even to the 10mm mark. The 2 good ones I had, never got any bigger then they were last week. I'm disappointed and frustrated. I can't see how women have gone through this cycle after cycle after cycle. I'm so depressed today. I don't want to do it again but I know I have to. We can't do a cycle in December because ovulation will most likely fall around Christmas. And they said that is too stressful and Christmas Eve and Christmas day are the only 2 days they are closed. So now we are being pushed back to at least the first of January for the next medicated cycle.

We have to talk about our plans. It's cheaper to do an IUI we just don't know how we feel about it.

I have to give myself the Ovidrel shot at some point today to get my body to the luteal phase . I almost don't even want to bother with it. But she says it will bring on my period. So Supposedly in the next 2 weeks I will start. So that's that!