Cancelled

I hate that word. I never thought to much about my use of the word cancelled until this week. And now that's the only word I can think about...

It's official my cycle has been cancelled due to lack of growth. My E2 level was at a 121 this morning but my follies never grew. Friday my E2 was at 92 so that jumped pretty well. I had around 15 to 20 follies on each side but they weren't even to the 10mm mark. The 2 good ones I had, never got any bigger then they were last week. I'm disappointed and frustrated. I can't see how women have gone through this cycle after cycle after cycle. I'm so depressed today. I don't want to do it again but I know I have to. We can't do a cycle in December because ovulation will most likely fall around Christmas. And they said that is too stressful and Christmas Eve and Christmas day are the only 2 days they are closed. So now we are being pushed back to at least the first of January for the next medicated cycle.

We have to talk about our plans. It's cheaper to do an IUI we just don't know how we feel about it.

I have to give myself the Ovidrel shot at some point today to get my body to the luteal phase . I almost don't even want to bother with it. But she says it will bring on my period. So Supposedly in the next 2 weeks I will start. So that's that!

Karma is a Bit@h!!!

I think my whining from the other day about the fact that I feel like I'm being taken advantage of has woken up mean Mama Karma... She has shown her ugly face!!!!

Yesterday I was so upset about my appointment I couldn't even drive back to work. Yes I had to work on black Friday... But that is beside the point. I went in to the practically dark medical office, all the offices in the building were closed except Dr. B's and take my seat. I tend to arrive as early as possible for my monitoring appts so I can get out of there asap and drive back to work 30+ minutes. So I slip into the waiting room and sit down. On the weekends/Fridays Jane the Receptionist isn't there. So I wait for the Nurse Prac to come out and see me waiting. While waiting I start hearing a baby cry. A BABY CRYING!!! That should have been the first inclination that I had that this appointment was going to go sour... So I think maybe its a woman... Yeah right there isn't anything here that would make a woman cry like that!! Some idiot woman has brought her child to an INFERTILITY CLINIC!!! Pardon my french: But WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I just read my magazine and try and focus on the article I'm reading and the kid just keeps making noise. This time I'm figuring out that it is probably a toddler. Cause I can hear someone trying to reason with him/her. So I'm still sitting alone in the waiting room. Then 2 couples walk in and take a seat and my Nurse Prac. Finally comes out and says it may be just a little bit. A while later she calls me for blood work. I walk back in to the hall. And it smells like someone has just had a poop party right in the ultrasound room or right outside it. So I walk back to the blood draw room. By now its wafting through the whole freaking place. I was actually starting to wonder if I stepped in some sort of animal excrement when I left my good ole country home... But then I surely would have smelled that on the 40 minute drive right? So I sit down and the tech runs back down the hall and I hear her spraying some sort of chemical and then I realize she is spraying Lysol... I said what happened? I asked if someone got the shit scared out of them in the ultrasound room? And she said no. For some reason this girl ahead of me brought her child. He had dropped a deuce in the hallway. But I guess it was a major production and the mama instead of going out of the office to the public restroom changed him on the floor in front of the blood draw station!!!! Please tell me that doesn't just freak you out a little bit?
The tech tried to tell her to go out to the public hallway but the mother refused!! The tech told her there was a baby changing station out there also. But the mother just said no the floor will be fine....

So I get my blood drawn and then had to go back out to the waiting room because this woman had such a huge mess to clean up. And then she ended up putting us other girls behind on our US because she brought her child with her. But get this: she also had her mother with her. So Why wouldn't you have had your mom wait outside in the car or downstairs in the hospital/public waiting area with your child instead of bringing him up here to run around in front of a bunch of infertile women?

When they finally got her squared away and she left I got to get my ultrasound done. This was when the fun began...

She started with my left ovary. I was pretty sensitive and I was praying that it was a good sign. She had a funny look on her face and then she squinted and bit her lip and then I asked is there anything going on in there? And she said well... We have one follie at 10mm... I then asked if that was the same follie and she said yes. And then she roamed around all over that side and said that's it. You don't have anymore growth or anymore that could catch up at this point. Then she said lets take a look at the right side... It wasn't any better the same one from the other day was still at 8mm. So she looked some more and then said she was finished. At this point I felt like the walls were shrinking. My ears felt muffled and I thought an elephant had just landed on my chest. She started to clean things up I asked her will I grow anymore before the next appt? And she said I will need to check with Dr. B but there may not be another monitoring appt. Based on your blood work we may have to cancel this cycle... WTF???!!!! I then started to cry and she said your blood work may show that your levels are high so he may do one more appointment. But I can't guarantee that. He wants us to be up front and honest with our patients and not lead them on... I was crying pretty hard by now. I couldn't understand all of the information she was giving me. Something about not wanting old eggs or old follies or something. And how were are getting to the end of the perfect time frame. Then she said don't
worry you may very well be back here on Sunday. And if not there is always the next cycle!!! I will call you before noon to tell you what he said and how your blood work came back. Then she asked if I had anymore questions. I couldn't think of any. And she left. I just sat there bare assed on the table and cried! I thought about Mr. Farmer, his Mama. I thought about how I had planned on telling our parents at Christmas. I thought about the empty bedroom in our house waiting for a child and all its little play things to fill it. And then I realized I had to call my hubby and tell him what she said. And I still had to walk out into a waiting room full of hopeful patients. With my eyes and nose beat red. So I blew my nose and got dressed. I wiped the mascara off my check and tried to make myself presentable. I walked out and wrote the check in a daze. And then when I filled out the amount I felt like I did this! I complained about the price of all these appointments and now I may not have anymore!!! Why did I do that? What is another $500 if it fills my arms up?

I got down the hall and out the elevator with no problems but as I walked out the front door a brand new daddy was loading up all the gifts from his wife's hospital room. I lost it! He even had to have a freaking Carhart coat on and a John Deere baseball cap!! What is God doing to me? I cried all the way to my truck. I sat down in my seat and this daddy was loading everything into the SUV and then checked to make sure the base for the car seat was secure. I couldn't watch! But it was like a car accident I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He was readying everything for the ride home.

I backed out and the tears just gushed and gushed. I felt so guilty for being so petty about the money. And for not trying harder. I wasn't sure what else I was supposed to do but I just felt like this was my fault. I called Farmer. He couldn't understand me for the most part. He just kept saying we will get though it and take it one day at a time. Don't worry! We always make it though... Don't cry! I think he felt bad about not making it to that appt. But as far as we both knew it was just routine monitoring.

Colleen called me around 10:30 and said that my Estrogen levels were at 92 and they like to see them at 100 for ovulation. And because my levels were rising Dr. B was giving the girls one more chance to prove them selves. He won't up the dosage of Gonal-F because he doesn't like to do that twice in one cycle. So Sunday morning I go back for my monitoring appt. I'm praying very hard for my girls to wake up and grow!! I don't know what else to do!

I'm sorry this was so long I just had to get it all off my chest.

Because Marla told me too...

No not really I had to just get the details figured out in my head before I told you all what had happened this morning. My appt was this at 8:30am I knew I wasn't going to get the news I had hoped for. I just had that feeling in my gut... Maybe it was my slow growing follies that were giving me that feeling! Well what ever it was it was right. She said that with PCO (Collen always leaves off the S or D which always leaves me hanging... I just want to yell at her to use one or the other!!!) some women will respond slowly at 1st with FSH. And then all at once they can explode into full blown mature follies and there would end up being too many. So on Monday I had follies that weren't even 10mms they were in the 4,5, 6 and 7 range. Now today I have 1 single follicle on the left that is at 10mm and several still under the 10mm mark. And then on my right ovary the largest I have is an 8mm. With some little ones along with it. I'm not even growing at the normal rate of 2mm a day. But they still want me to keep coming back every other day!... Am I just whining? Does it seem like they are just milking me for more money? It could be the hormones talking and I know I need to be tested but if they know I'm not going to have mature follies by Friday then why did they need to see me today? They knew Monday that they would have to see me on Friday!!! I realize this isn't about the money it's about getting me pregnant but I do feel a little like I'm being taken advantage of. Just because I didn't go with the IUI plan. Which is a flat fee. And all the monitoring appts are included in that flat fee. So are the hormones making me paranoid? Or am I just a money tree? I'm a little perturbed because I think it would be better to use these monitoring appointments when I actually have something to freaking monitor!! Please help me see why I feel this way. Or is this how all RE's office's treat their PCO(S) patients?

What not to say to a hormone induced cazy women!!

My nurse from Dr. B's called me yesterday afternoon and said that he wants me to up my dose of Gonal F to 150 iuis and then come back on Wednesday. Oh and my follies weren't 10mms!!! They were BELOW 10mms!! What the hell!!! She does realize I'm on hormones and I could find out where she lives? Right? Then she has the nerve to tell me that this is cycle is just to see how I do on the medication!!! So the next cycle they will now where to start me out at!!! WOW!! Now you tell me!!! I'm so glad to know that all this money was just in vain!! I guess I was mistaken! Thinking this was a cycle that could truly work.... Well it could she said. Not too convincingly of course. I then asked do you actually have women who get pregnant on the 1st medicated cycle? And she said yes it does happen... So I'm just a tad frustrated today. I'm 99% sure its the hormones but I just wish they would have been more doom and gloom before they had me all jacked up on this shit!!! Oh and I fricking bruised my stomach really bad last night. That was the 1st time I have gotten a bruise from the shots. If I'm feeling brave I might post a pic but I'm soooo bloated today that I should be wearing the maternity pants I bought last week when I was so optimistic... Ahh the innocence I had last Sunday... Ha ha ha!!! Nurse Tena from Kentucky with her sweet southern drawl shattered it all for me!!!

Oh and she also told me I won't likely trigger until after the weekend!! So there goes another thousand dollars out the window!!! I'm trying to be positive about this cycle but when your nurse isn't positive about it how am I going to be?

Welcom ICLWers!!!!

I'm sorry I have been MIA this weekend. Welcome to my crazy blog!! I will catch you up a bit if your new. I appreciate your stopping by and I can't wait to meet you all via your blogs!!

I'm a twenty something farmer's wife I live in BFE Indiana (USA) with my hubby, Mr. Farmer and our 3 fur kids Missy the cat, and Maggie & Buddy the dogs.
We have been TTC with PCOS since early 2008. We have just started treatment with an RE this past Septemeber and I'm currently in the middle of my first Medicated cycle with Timed Intercourse. I'm on Gonal-F and Ovidrel. I'm extremley weepy and bloated this week so please be nice! :) Hormones are rough!!! I'm curently on CD 11 and just had my first monitering appt this morning and I have about 10 to 15 follies on each side. They are all at about 10mm each so I go back on Wednesday for my next appt.

Gonal-F

Mmm Where do I begin?

I started my shots Tuesday night. It wasn't bad! It burned when the needle was in but other then that it wasn't too terrible. I actually couldn't feel the prick at all! Now the side effects are a WHOLE different ball of wax. I have been sick to my stomach since Tuesday evening. I'm too stubborn to get a prescription for nausea. Colleen the overly informative Nurse Pract. was really trying to push giving me a script. But I just asked what over the counter stuff can I use. So she cleared me to use Pepto sparingly and Tums too. Oh and too keep my belly full with protein rich foods! So I'm working on that. And I'm quite Moody!! I'm not usually that way. But I'm just a little grumpy today! But you know it may just be cause my belly hurts. But other then the belly hurting and a little bit of bloating it's not been too awful to be on FSH!!!

Last night we found out that Mr. Farmer's Mama may need a blood transfusion. So Hubby was sifting through all our important papers trying to find out what his blood type is. We both thought he would have had to have had his blood tested when he was a baby but we haven't found the papers yet. But we do know that I am a match to his mama so I called Dr. B. and he gave me the go ahead to give as much as I could. So if Mr. Farmer doesn't end up being a match I can at least help her out a little... Keep your fingers crossed that she won't need to do it. They say it could be very hard on her system to have a blood transfusion but her platelets are getting lower and lower. So we shall see tomorrow. Pray Pray Pray for her. She got hooked up to her chemo pack yesterday afternoon. For her 2nd round of chemo. And then tomorrow they will take her back off it and do blood work and some other tests to see how everything looks. So keep my family in your thoughts and prayers the next couple days please!!

Love & Hugs
Mrs. Farmer

wedding re hash

I stole this from Rain @ raining raining In honor of Mr. Farmer and I's 3rd anniversary I thought I would share some little stories about our wedding. I loved every minute of it!

1 .Where/how did you meet: We were set up. I met my Hubbs through his Mama!!! She and I got our nails done by the same girl and the Nail tech thought we would be perfect for each other. So she set up our appointments back to back so we could meet. I loved his mama when I met her. She was so funny and sweet. I gave her my number and said he if is interested in me he can call me... And that's how it happened!

2. How long have you known each other: almost 8 years!

3. How long after you met did you start dating: Well he called me on Feb 13th and asked to take me out to dinner and we meet that following weekend. We didn't say we were officially dating for a couple weeks

4. How long did you date before you were engaged: Oh man I think it was close to 2 years I think.

5. How long was your engagement: almost 2 years

6. How long have you been married: 3 years today!!!!

7. What is your anniversary: Nov 18th

8. How many people came to your wedding reception: close to 400

9. What kind of cake did you serve: Cheese Cakes!! We had Turtle, snickers, Chocolate chip, pumpkin spice, apple, Cherry, Strawberry, and then plain cheese cake with different sauces.

10. Where was your wedding: In a very old Church out in the country near where we live. I went to it as a child. It was beautiful!!

11. What did you serve for your meal: BBQ!!! We had 4 hogs smoked and we had a bar B que for our reception!! We also had turkey smoked too. It turned out awesome!! Also there was a TON of beer! What is a country wedding without beer and bbq?

12. How many people were there in your bridal party: 10 adults and 2 kiddos

13. Are you still friends with them all: Yes

14. Did you or your spouse cry during the ceremony: Mmm I don't think he cried he had a couple tears glistening in the corner of his eyes. I cried a couple times.

15. Most special moment of your wedding day: Probably when it was just he and I driving alone to the reception. It was silence for a few minutes and we could just be alone in all the commotion

16. Any funny moments: Oh we had a bunch!! One of the ones I don't want to forget was the night before at the rehearsal. He and I were standing at the altar and the deacon was going over the lighting of the unity candle. And he was talking about what to do if it didn't light. Then Mr. Farmer said: "Well I'll just flick my dick out... He meant to say: "I'll just flick my bic out!!" Bic being a lighter! I snorted and coughed... Then I started to turn purple I was laughing so freaking hard. Not many people could hear what he had said. But my dad, the deacon and my matron of honor heard it. But the 2 of us couldn't contain the laughter we had the giggles the rest of the night. Then we laughed again during the ceremony when we were lighting the candle for real. Here we were supposed to be serious and were snickering at this momentous occasion...

Oh and my husbands sister, brother in law and cousins came to our house and did a chivary. It's where your friends or family play pranks on you and sometimes they can end up being kind of mean... But they just did a whole lot of harmless pranks. We pulled into our driveway and we had an "Its a boy" sign in the front yard. They filled our bed with salt, they took all of our under ware and my bras and put them in the deep freeze. They filled out salt shakers with sugar. Took all the labels off the can goods. set all the alarms to go off at an 1 hour intervals after 1 am. Turned the volume up on everything. Put Vaseline on the toilets seats. Took all the toilet paper and towels and hid them. It was funny but maddening.

17. Any big disasters: The bread didn't get brought by the caterers for some reason. So at the last minute I had family members all over town buying bread!! Oh and the reception hall charged everyone for soda for the 1st half hour or so but was giving away the alcohol!! It was supposed to be an open bar!

18. Where did you go on your honeymoon: My brother was home from Iraq so we didn't go anywhere for a honeymoon so we could spend time with him.
19. How long were you gone: N/a

20. If you were to do your wedding over, what would you change: I wouldn't have spent so much on my dress!! And I wouldn't have picked out such thin, sleeveless dresses for my bridesmaids... What was I thinking it was November?!! And I probably would have had a different DJ cause he didn't play the one song I really wanted to dance in my big poofy dress. My dream was to dance the Rocky Top. Which is a tradition at all the local weddings and I grew up dreaming of dancing the Rocky Top with my Hubby on my wedding night. But he didn't play it and I didn't realize it didn't get played till we were driving home.

21. What side of the bed do you sleep on: on the right (as I'm laying in the bed)

22. What size is your bed: Queen

23. Greatest strength as a couple: We don't take things too seriously. We are both pretty laid back. Things don't shake us up too much.

24. Greatest challenge as a couple: Probably us being too laid back!! ;)

25. Who literally pays the bills: Well I usually write them out and mail them... :) Does that count? He is the bread winner. My paycheck goes for our retirement and health insurance. Then I buy groceries and gifts and things.

26. What is your song: When Somebody Loves You By: Alan Jackson

27. What did you dance your first dance to: When Somebody Loves You By: Alan Jackson

28. Describe your wedding dress: Satin with lots of gold and silver embroidery all over!! It was everywhere and short train.

29. What kind of flowers did you have at your wedding: Red & ivory roses, ivory orchids with ivy, ivory chrysanthemums, and then lots of rust and pink fillers. Then I found these beaded things that you could cut and stick into the flowers and they were gold and rust colored. And Eucalyptus sprigs

30. Are your wedding bands engraved? No I wish we had gotten them done. But since Hubby works in some dangerous equipment he doesn't wear his.


Mr. Farmer ever the mechanic... Yes he is working on the toy tractor we bribed our nephew with to walk down the aisle.


One of my favorite group shots. I guess you can tell its the wedding party freezing their hind ends off!!!


My bouquet. Somehow or another when I loaded these last night I guess I forgot to flip it right side up. So just do a head stand at your desk and you can get the full effect of my beautiful flowers.


The back of my dress.



My Mama in Law dancing with Mr. Farmer



The shyest little flower girl around!! She isn't in ANY group shots!! She had a couple little Diva moments. My mom and her parents were wanting to force her to be in the pictures and she kept crying so I said don't worry about it we will get some good ones of her later. And we have a ton of her at the reception. But that's just one of the things we will always remember and embarrass her with when she is older:)



Mr. & Mrs. Farmer



Sweet little Country Church

Baseline Appt

I survived them even though they had to split the appointments up over 2 days and then they had to draw my blood from my wrist! Other then all that they went swimmingly!!! Yes I'm a hard stick and that sucks!! I have one good vein in my left arm I try to get them to use it but only the brave will try it. They always try this one vein in my right arm that appears to be good but is sneaky... And then they dig around in my arm and make me want to pass out! Just so I don't have to deal with the fact that this moron is digging around in my flesh with a sharp metal object just trying to find some blood!!! Sunday morning I had to have CD3 blood draw and that ended up being a good thing cause after I got my blood drawn I actually took my heathen butt to church!! I hadn't gone in a good while. I actually went to a local church near the hospital. So that was nice and then I went shopping!!!

I broke one of the cardinal rules in infertility Sunday while I was shopping. Target was having a sale and they had a ton of Maternity clothes on the clearance rack. I got a couple pairs of work pants for $7 and a really cute top for $4. I know I shouldn't have done that but I did!! But I'm justifying the buying of maternity clothes because I have heard the bloat on Gonal F is terrible!! And I refuse to buy a bigger size of pants!!! So if my belly swells to a point that I can no longer wear my own clothes I will let myself slip into the same size I currently wear only in a maternity pant!! Does this sound like the ramblings of a lunatic? I think so....

But anyway they were cute and I can't pass up a good deal if I wanted to. So now I have confessed to the fact that I now own maternity clothes and I am indeed NOT PREGNANT!!! How pathetic!! But hey retail therapy is a proven fact and I do feel better after buying them!!!

Tomorrow is our third anniversary I will try and post some pics of our wedding. It was beautiful and homey, country and classic. I loved every little bit of our wedding. Not to mention the cute groom!!! So I will be working on that this afternoon.

Oh and no I didn't get the measurements of my lining yesterday during the ultrasound. I was actually in a state of sheer awe! I was amazed that we are actually HERE!!! We are starting our 1st real cycle!! Nurse Prac T did say we are good to go for this cycle and we aren't being told by DR. B to do an IUI so I'm happy about that. TI is fine for us since Mr. Farmer passed his test with flying colors or should I say Olympic swimmers!! I think C the overly informative Nurse Prac just wanted to give us that info. So we could think about it (or freak out about it!!). And last night on the way to my niece's first dance performance I got the call from freedom pharmacy for the 1 dose of Ovidrel I will need. I got most of the meds donated all but 1 dose of Ovidrel. It has been such an amazing journey to get here. I can't believe all the caring souls out there in this infertility network we have. I'm truly blessed to have found you all!!

My first dose of Gonal F is tonight I can't wait!! I'm soo excited!! I can't believe we are going to be shooting me up with our 1st round the night before our anniversary. It all seems like good signs to me!! So stay tuned for emotional ramblings this week I'm sure they will be doozies!!

Love & Hugs
Mrs. Farmer :)

CD1 & Test Results

Yippee Skippy!!!! I had a visitor stop in and see me this morning!! She will be probably be staying at the old farmhouse for a few days. But she isn't un unexpected guest all though I do hope that this will be my last visit from this guest for at least a year or longer....

Yes my aunt flow arrived in all your glory and I can't say that I'm not excited. I could barely contain my excitement as I called my RE's office this morning. I was trembling to be quite honest. I told the receptionist the news and she said she would have the NP call me back for my appt times. When Colleen the NP called back I got some interesting news. Evidently my Dr. B. has just come back from a infertility convention last month. I guess they now have proof that insemination will increase your odds of conceiving by 15%. So he is now wanting all of his patients to look into and at least think of the possibility of insemination. So that really surprised me. I'm really not ready for that. I had just gotten used to the idea of Timed Intercourse. But I guess we will take all this info in stride.

Mr. Farmers SA was great.
Count was 217 Million
Motility 65%
Morphology 12%

She said the morph was low but not a problem because the count was so high. But Dr. B. hasn't looked at his numbers yet. But she said over all this was a great SA! So I was happy to hear about that. I have heard that different offices have different normal ranges so her normal ranges were as follows.
Count: Greater then 40 mil
Motility: Greater then 50%
Morphology: 30%

So at my CD 3 blood work I will find out what Dr. B. will suggest. I talked to hubbs and we both agree that insemination is too big of a step right now. So we won't do that just yet. I feel like we haven't even really be able to try naturally because I never ovulate. So if I can get pregnant the old fashioned way with a lot of medication I would feel more comfortable with that. I am in no way saying anything about insemination being bad. I'm just saying that I'm not prepared for it. It takes me awhile to get used to big plans. And I had slowly gotten used to the idea of injectables. So this really has been hyperventilating!! But hopefully Dr. B. will agree that we should just try a TI cycle 1st!

Well that's all I got for now!! Have a wonderful weekend Chickie's!!
Love & Hugs
Mrs. Farmer:)

Veteran's Day

On this Veteran's Day I want to introduce my hero. This man is amazing. He has served his country now for 5 years. And yesterday he re-enlisted to serve 3 more. This man has done 2 tours in Iraq and countless other deployments all over the globe.
This man is my baby brother. I can't say enough good things about him. He is my shoulder to cry on. Even though he is thousands of miles away from me. I can always count on him to make me laugh on the dark days. He some how knows the perfect moment to call me. He has always been that way. I guess it's some kind of sixth sense he has. He is such a caring individual. He is so proud to serve his country and to do the job he does. I just want you all to meet my hero. This guy is adorable I hate the fact that I don't see him like I want. But I have to share him with my great country and I'm good with that. I'm so proud that there are people in this great country like my brother who give up so much to protect our way of life. I want to tell everyone who serves and has served, THANK YOU!!! I can't say it enough!! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

I only have this picture in digital format to share but I will post some more when I get home tonight. I can't keep a whole lot of pics on my computer at work. He is the one on the far left in the red helmet.

5 Days on Prometrium...

Makes me a mood swinging, hot flashing, tantrum throwing, crazy woman!! I broke down and cried in the hallway at the RE's office yesterday morning. I don't understand why these hormones have to be this hard on me?

Let me recap so you all can catch up on the story...

Friday afternoon on my way home from work I realized we had never scheduled Mr. Farmers SA. And I had already called in on Thursday to tell them I was at CD35. So we had to get on the ball!!! I called and left a msg to tell them I had blundered and forgot to get his SA set up so we need to do it ASAP!!!

So I knew they probably wouldn't get back with me that day, but at least I had gotten a message in. Then Sunday morning bright and early Deena with Dr. B's office calls and said that we can set it up for Tuesday morning at 8:00am. I say okay I will be bringing it cause Hubbs has too much on his plate right now so I will bring the boys myself. She said that's fine. Just get them here within the hour. I said okay we can do that!!!

So Tuesday rolls around I'm sure you know what happened in the morning. I don't think I need to give you details. I had to get out the door with the little guys as fast as I could. I put the specimen cup in my bra and headed south. I had to get there quickly!! I was so worried that I would get pulled over but I had to get there quickly. Thank God for my fuzz buster. I have never in my whole life felt that funny before. I felt quite protective of the little guys. I kept a coat over my chest and kept my hand over that just so they wouldn't get cold. I felt so responsible for them. I hated to think that something could happen and they would be wasted. I don't know if it was because of the hormones or what but I tell you I was on a freaking mission to get those little guys looked at!!

Well I pull into the lot of the hospital around 7:35 and I move the boys from between my boobs to the underside of my arm and inside my bra. Cause I didn't want the people in the waiting area thinking I had 3 boobs. And then I threw my coat on and ran inside. Up the elevator and then down the super long, lonely hall way to Dr. B's office. But when I turn the corner to open the glass door of the fertility clinic I find the door locked and all the lights inside turned off. I was stunned!!!! These little guys were swimming around in my arm pit waiting to be checked out and no body is here to check them out!!! WTH? Are you fu$king kidding me? I have just driven down the highway 80 miles an hour swooping in and out of rush hour traffic after reading on you all's paper work that the sooner I got these little guys here the better. I'm here and you are not!! WHY ME?!!! So I stood there at the door right under a video camera and cried!! I cried hard. I snorted and snotted and boo hoo'd right there in front of the security camera. Then I wiped my eyes and called Mr. Farmer he couldn't believe it either. We had been led to believe that this office was open early so women could come in and get blood drawn in the early am. But I guess today of all days they weren't doing that. So Hubby tried to calm me down. But all I could think about was those little guys sitting in my arm pit and that their time was ticking away and soon it would be gone!! So I stood there under that security camera and Hubby kept telling me it would be okay. And that it wasn't a wasted trip... But in my heart I felt like I failed the little guys...

I waited for what seemed like hours. But really it was only 24 minutes but it felt like an eternity. I saw the pudgy little receptionist coming down the long, lonely hallway with her lunch box, work bag, coat and purse all in her arms laughing along with another nurse from her office. I guess she couldn't sense that I had just finished having a melt down at the end of her hallway. And all she was worried about was clocking in 1 minute before they "opened." She unlocked an unmarked door several doors down from where I stood under the watchful eye of the security camera. And she and the nurse disappeared behind the door. It was 2 minutes after 8:00 when the front door was finally unlocked. By that time my heart felt so heavy when I walked through that door. And yes I know it was probably because of my hormones. But it was "too late" I didn't get them here under the hour mark. I felt like I failed!!!

I had to fill the paper work out for my hubbs and I wrote the time and everything down. They never said anything about it. She acted like business as usual so maybe they were okay. We won't hear back I guess until the end of the week. Cause the doc has to read the results and he isn't at the hospital I go to except 2 weeks out of the month so they will have to fax them to his home office 3 hours away. So keep your fingers crossed and pray all kinds of prayers for our little swimmers. And pray that they were still swimming when they finally got around to looking at them.

Oh and yes I know we could have had the hubbs do his thing down there in the office But my hubby was adamant about doing it at home. So going to the office was entirely out of the question.

And no AF has not shown her ugly face yet. I'm patienly waiting. I took my last pill Monday night and I have only had cramps and moodswings to show for it. So on top of praying for our swimmers pray that I get a period too!!!

Love & Hugs to you all!!!

CD 35

I made it to CD 35!! My damn body is so stubborn!! I POAS and it came back just like I expected it to! I have never POAS and not cried afterward. This was the 1st time I was not upset about a negative! I'm so excited to get this show on the road!! Even though my family has been turned on its ear lately I'm ready for us to get some happy news for a change. I had the weirdest day yesterday. I peed on my stick and then called the docs office and got the ball rolling for our new cycle. And then that evening I went to help my momma in law with the animals. She has a menagerie at her house. Its quite funny I call her Doctor Doolittle. The Docs don't want her to change her routine because of the cancer. They just want her to be careful about lifting and getting hit in the chest/breast plate. Because it could damage the port or the vein in the port. Or even pull the needle out that is running the chemo into her body for the next several hours. So I went down to help her feed. Which mostly I did the heavy lifting. Cause she is NOT an invalid!! Which she kept reminding me of. And then I fed the horses because they like to bump her around with their extra large heads and nuzzle her around the face. And so they wouldn't accidentally hurt her without meaning to. And she of course felt like I was babysitting her. But we made it through feeding and headed back up to the house. And set down to talk for awhile. She said that she had just been talking to her sister in law who said that her daughter had trouble with her periods and all she had to do was take clomid and she got pregnant 2 months later... (This girl just had her 4th child the day my MIL found out she had cancer) So I should just do what she did!!! And it would help me too!!! I can see that my MIL is worried that we won't get to have any kids and I don't really share all the dirty little details with her about my appts. But she knows a 100% more then my own mother knows at this point. I just thought it was cute and sad that she is more worried about Ryan & I having a child then she is about the chemo she is packing around with her. She is my hero!!!

When she was diagnosed she told the doctor that if anyone had to have it her family she was glad it was her. She didn't want anybody else to have to deal with it!!!
I don't know if I could be that way about it.

So last night I told her how my doctor feels like my problem is too big for clomid to help it. So we are doing some heavy duty drugs to start with. And she asked how long it will take to work? I said hopefully we will know by the 1st week or so of Dec if I'm pregnant. And then she said wouldn't that be a nice Xmas present? And I almost wanted to cry!!! So please God let me be able to give My MIL and hubby the bestest Christmas present ever!!!! Santa do you hear me too? I'm counting on you all to help me in this mission!!!! I want to be able to tell her at Christmas that she will have one more Grand baby that she has to fight cancer for!!!

Oh and while I was at lunch with my poppa today I got a phone call from one of my hubby's farm hands who said I won a prize off the radio. Our local radio station was giving away a spa package for 4 this week so I called in to enter. I really thought my MIL could use it and sure enough I won the darn thing!!! How awesome would that be? So maybe while I'm waiting to hear if I got KTFU I can take my MIL out and maybe my SIL and niece to get all pampered! So like I said its been a weird 24 hours but I wouldn't change it. And we are about 2 days out from getting all our crops in too. So its been a week of roller coaster moments but we get through it all some how.
I hope you all Have a wonderful weekend!!!

Love & Hugs

The C word...

I have avoided blogging for a week now. I just couldn't find the words. I'm still at a loss for where to begin or how to begin. Sometimes it seems like trouble just follows us. My husband and I. Now it seems to have filtered into our family. On Wednesday afternoon of last week. My husbands mother, the most wonderful person in the world was diagnosed with colon cancer. Our lives have just gone topsy turvey and I feel like I could vomit right now. I thought I would just go along and not blog about this because I am a somewhat anonymous blogger. But the more I sit here and keep it bottled up the more it hurts. I'm VERY VERY close to my MIL she is wonderful. My husband is very close to her too. She actually introduced me to her son. We have such a great relationship and now I may lose it. I feel so guilty for not being able to provide her grandchildren from my husband and I. I know how much she wants my hubby to have a baby boy. And so I guess I just needed to put this all out here and get it off my chest. I can't carry it around any longer. She doesn't want anyone to know just yet. So just our immediate family know and that's it. This morning we took her to the hospital to get a port set up in her chest for chemo treatments and as I'm typing this she is receiving her 1st round of chemo. All I can think of is I will lose the one women in my life who feels like my mother. My mother is not my mom. She isn't mentally stable and my MIL has always been there for me. She actually was going to be the one person I wanted with me when I delivered my children. I'm so scared and worried about her and my husband. I know this is just another trial in our life that will bring us all closer together.

Oh and to top it all off tomorrow I will have to call the RE for the start of this cycle!! Here we go medicated cyle. I'm so worried about all this. But Hubbs wants to go ahead with our plans. So PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY for us!!!! I'm soo going to need it!!!