A blank page

It's funny how the blog post screen is not truly white. It's kinda swirly grayish white. I loved clean white crisp paper pages in my journals. I used to write so much when I was younger. I wrote about the stupidest, most moronic things. But they were journal worthy to me! When I'm bored I'll pull out a stack and tumble back through time for a few hours. I had to give a story to everything that happened. I wrote in detail what a boy friend at the time had worn when we went out to dinner. Or what I said when we were driving all over the back roads. It all seemed SO important. I had an urgency to document what was happening to me back then. I don't understand why I had that drive to write so much back then. It was like an itch I couldn't scratch. I remember how my mother would get so mad at me when I had a paper due for school that was a 500 word essay or something and I couldn't ever think of something suitable to write about. But I could spend hours writing in my journal! I would fill up an average size journal in 3 months or less. I thank God, now that I had that drive. Because so many of those details have slipped out of my memory. I don't know if it's just old age or maybe to many bad heart aches that I just block those years out. But now the few memories I have from my teens and early twenties I can only piece together with my journals. I wonder now if maybe that's what will keep happening as I get older? That is why I MUST keep writing. I don't want to forget these days!! Even though Mr. Farmer and I have so much craziness going on in our lives right now I don't want to forget my feelings and the funny little details that happen, they may just might fall through the cracks in my memory bank just like all the rest. Mama Farmer has been back in the hospital all week. She was put back into the Critical Care Unit because she has began losing blood again. I guess the Chemo has made her veins weak inside her liver so they burst easily and she ends up bleeding internally until they can cauterize the veins to stop the bleeding. They did that yesterday. This is the 2nd time they have had to do this in less then a month... The day before she started losing blood. Mama Farmer's brother ended up getting put into the hospital (Critical Care Unit also) because he was filling up with fluid he couldn't hardly breath and felt like he was suffocating... He was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure he only has about 30% good muscle mass (not sure how to explain this) in his heart. Because he has probably been suffering from Congestive heart failure for a LONG time. His kidney's have began shutting down. He really is in such bad shape. The man never took care of his self he is over weight and has smoked at least a pack and a half of cigarettes a day everyday for 35+ years. On top of all that he drinks 2 gallons of coffee a day. The man was just a ticking time bomb. So Mama Farmer and her Baby Brother have been in the Critical Care unit all week right down the hall from each other. Mama Farmer's mother is completely beside herself. She is 80 years old and has been having to face the reality of maybe seeing 2 of her 3 children die before she does... Mama Farmer's brother is married but never had children. He has always treated Mr. Farmer as they son he didn't have. Mr. Farmer it seems is just inside out. I have never thought so much about death as I have over the last year and a half. And I used to work in a nursing home for 4 years and death was almost a daily occurrence there. But to be the primary care giver of a family member who is fighting cancer and let me tell you she is FIGHTING it!!! Death/cancer seems to be crawling through my home, seeping in under the doors and setting down at the table with me when I eat my cereal. It seems to make every thought I have follow it along into the darkness. I'm wore out thinking what next. What do we do when X happens. What about after Y treatment. What will she do if she can't get strong enough for Y treatment?.... Will we my happy posting/journaling days ever come back?... I'm wore out from worry!! I know that we all have trials and tribulations. But how long are they supposed to last? I'm not saying I don't have good days at all anymore but the clouds of the bad days are always hanging in the back ground of my good days. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wish some days that I could go back to the days of those crisp blank white pages when I had so much to share but it really wasn't anything special. When life wasn't so scary and it was an adventure waiting to happen.

Under the Gun

I have fallen off the proverbial blog wagon yet again! I get into a rut and it sucks me down even deeper!! I have actually been working on a HUGE Project for work the past several weeks and it SUCKS big time!!! So all my blogging time flew right out the window. For that I apologize. I have so much to catch you all up on. But I can't do it this very moment. Please pray that I can get through this project with out harming, maiming or killing any co-workers! That would be really BAD for business!!! :(
(Not to mention that it would probably be hard to blog from a Jail Cell)
I love you all!!! And I miss you all so terribly!

Hall O Weenie!!!!

Guess what? Halloween is starting early this year!! The Crimson Quill book club is holding the October meeting tonight!! And we are all dressing up!! How fun does that sound? I'm super excited about dressing up. For the last few weeks I had planned on going as Hippie but then one of the girls thought we should dress up as characters from the books we have read over the last year. Is that not a great idea? I won't tell you all who I have chosen cause I don't know who all is reading today! Hopefully the book club gals won't be reading this!! :) Love ya!!
Well I found my costume hanging in the back of my closet... Which is how most of my Halloween costumes begin... Yes I am one of "Those" adults!!! Which really I guess I need to use the term "adult" loosely!! :) I truly love to dress up for Halloween now that I am grown. I think it is so much fun! Growing up my mother was VEEEEEEEEEEEEERY strict about things like that. So we were not allowed to dress up for Halloween. But being we were Catholic my mother would let us dress up the following day on All Saints Day as a Saint of "our" choice... But we couldn't trick or treat or anything like that. It was pretty Lame!!! Let me tell ya... Holy cow when I look back at memories like that it sometimes scares me. I think of how much I want to be a parent and then I remember how psycho my mother was and I know I have her blood running through my veins... Will I become that crazy mother?


WoOOOOOOOOAH I need to stop this horse now! I was soooo not going to go there but it happened anyway. Those crazy childhood memories creep up out of no where sometimes.

Getting back to my costume!! It's just a simple white night gown that my mother in law had purchased from some old lady who makes lace & woman's old fashioned garments. So she bought me a very long, very old fashioned white nightgown. Which is actually quite pretty for oh say 19o1! But it's just a little too humble and quaint for my bedroom attire.... Mind you I don't wear leather and chains! I just don't wear 5 yards of fabric to bed each night!!! :) God bless her! I would love to have seen what was going on in her mind when she saw this thing!! Was she thinking: mmm you know Mrs. Farmer really would look nice in this? Or maybe if I buy this Mr. Farmer defiantly won't chase her around this house in this one... Poor girl, could get her rest on the nights she wears this one...

Any way getting back to the reason I'm posting! I'm going to wear a long sleeve shirt underneath and buy some wound dressing tape. I'm going to put some fake blood on the tape and then place the tape on the white gown. And then I will be going as a murdered woman! Won't that be interesting? I can't wait to see all the other girls' costumes! I think were going to have a blast tonight. Hopefully I will remember to take pictures!
Love to you all!!

Ditsy Brunette Moment

Do you know that it actually took me 2 WHOLE weeks to figure out that I could play on the Internet with my Kindle!!! What the hell is wrong with me? I got the one with 3G so I was shopping on amazon all the this time for books. But for some unknown reason I didn't get the memo that I could surf the web with it!! I was literally lying in bed last night when I found the search tab... Holy Cow I swear I heard angels singing! Hallelujah! Yet another device to feed my addiction! I thought I was just going to use this for reading books!! Hells to the no WAY! I have a whole new avenue of blogging now. Not that I can blog on this thing very easily but I can at least do it when I think of something short and sweet to say to all my lovelies! That would be you all! And no, don't even ask me to tweet! I don't think my brain could handle another addiction!

Any-hoo I just thought you all might find my ditsy moment amusing. It's actually quite sad... I'm so terribly stupid when it comes to technology of any sort. So please bear with me! I'm just a little ole country girl!

5

This number has been burned in my head for weeks now. It's a number I'm beginning to hate actually. Who could hate an innocent little number like 5? I remember when I was 5. I was soooo ready to go to school. I wanted to be a BIG KID so bad! My lovely sister Retta was a "Big Kid". She was a whole 5 years older then me. She had everything I wanted. She was a blond. I was brunette. Her hair was long and straight. Mine was crazy and frizzy. Retta could always manage to get through conversations with out saying something backwards. I on the other hand always made a fool of myself. Thank you dyslexia. She never had the wild temper I had. Or the crazy impulses to jump into mud puddles. Or run wild though the woods all day. She was always the clean, pulled together, matchy matchy sister... Where I was the sister with the tousled hair and mis matched socks...

Now here we are at 28 and 33 and she is pregnant with her 5th child. My sister has never had one health issue... (Scratch that she is fucking nuts!!! :) She is married to a lifetime student. My brother in law will be 34 does not work. He is a FULL TIME student!! My sister does not work either. She actually home schools my nephews. They just moved into student housing at his newest school about 2 months ago. And she thinks it's time to share the news that they adding one more to there litter.... She is 22 weeks along. She just told my parents last week. Half way though her pregnancy she decides to drop the news to them. She told me 3 weeks before that.

Can you tell how excited I am?

The past 2 maybe 3 years they have lived with his family while he finished one of his many degrees. He graduated from that school this past May. My family actually thought he might begin to use all of this knowledge he has built up and get a JOB with it. But no!! To our surprise he applied at yet another school. But now at this school, he can on a occasion student teach. Oh and lets not forget, he has been published in a few journals!! ::::::Insert eye rolls and yawns:::::: But nothing high paying... He has no steady income, except grants & scholarships! My sister actually went to college got her degree and used it to teach English in a private academy. So yes she is capable of getting a good job. My Bother In Law is going to school to become a priest in their religion so yes it takes time to do that. BUT why would you keep adding all these mouths to feed if you aren't going to be the one to feed them? I don't know what kind of State assistance they get. I'm not really that close with my sister. When she lived her we used to be. But she has done so many bizarre things over the past few years that I don't even want to be associated with her. Much less be known as her sister. I'm just flabbergasted that someone like my sister who doesn't own a home, has NEVER had to buy a vehicle, (They have always been donated to them by very caring, fellow church members. ) can shoot babies out like a human Pez Dispenser!!! What the Fuck?

There really is NO justice in this life!

When I was little, anytime someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I told them I was going to be a mom. I have dreamed of being a mommy my whole life. And here I am thrown right back to that 5 year old backward little girl with the messy hair. Who's older sister could do everything I wanted and but never could.

2 year Blogversary!!

Wow where has the time gone? I never thought in a million years back on that September afternoon in 2008 that 2 years from then I would still have empty arms, just waiting for a baby to fill them. Or begging my mother in law to eat every day. Oh and having to know that in the time it has taken my sister to bring 3 children into the world I haven't even brought one in to it.

I'm a little melancholy today. Even though Mama farmer was released from the hospital about an hour ago. We have her snuggled in on the couch. She tells us she is not hungry but she has strict orders to eat every 2 hours. But she is as stubborn as the colt standing in the lot out back. The doctors said it wasn't her gallbladder causing her trouble it was from the lack of nourishment... She is starving herself again. She doesn't want to deal with the nasty side effects of having most of her colon removed so she doesn't want to eat any solid food now. Which has in turn put her in the hospital for almost 5 days filling her body back up with protein, potassium, & calcium, which she has starved her body of. She kept telling us she was eating. But we aren't there with her all day. I want so badly to take a way the pain of cancer and the pain of all the belly issues involved but I can't. I can only watch as she deals with it the only way she thanks she can.... Mr. Farmer and I had a fight last night and I know it was mostly because he is so concerned about his mother. This his fuse is short. They have such a close relationship and this whole thing is killing him. He wants her to see his future children and to look forward to the future with him and our family. My heart is bleeding because of the unkind words we said to each other. Even though I know it's because we are maxed out. We have hit the boiling point and it's effecting our home life!!

CANCER SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm praying that this last time in the hospital will have scared her into changing her ways. She has until Tuesday to keep her levels up at the same if not better then what they were this morning. Please Pray that she does! They won't do anymore chemo until she gets her body into a little bit better shape. Her little body is so frail. He skin hangs like a hobo's rags. She was always a very curvy lady. She was beautiful and vivacious. Loud and unafraid. Now I feel that cancer has seeped into her very soul and robbed it of our dear Mama Farmer. That Evil Bitch: Cancer has used her nasty black tentacles and wrapped them around our hearts and is squeezing... I don't know when she will let us go... Or if she ever will.

Can I go back to 2008? Please...

August

I have been MIA for over a month now. I suddenly got struck with a severe allergic reaction to blogging. Not sure why. But I avoided writing at all costs!! I really can't explain why I get into ruts like this but I do. So before I let a whole month slip away with out blogging I'm going to do a month in review....

The last week of July Mama Farmer was told before she did more chemo she would need to have a round of immunity boosting shoots. So from the 1st of August through the 4th she got shots to help build her immunity. On the 6th she had to have more fluid drained from her abdomen. Poor gal has been having anywhere from 7 to 9 liters drained each week. It's become her Friday afternoon ritual.

On August 10th was our monthly Book Club meeting. Which I was hosting this time around. We ended up having a record amount of attendees. Which was awesome because it was our 1 year anniversary!! It was quite exciting seeing how big we had grown in a years time. The book we discussed was my pick. I was actually a little disappointed. I chose: Eat, Pray, Love By: Elizabeth Gilbert. I chose it mostly because the movie was going to be coming out 3 or 4 days after our meeting. It was a very hard book for me to get through. I was not impressed! I actually liked the movie more then the book. I think that's the first time I have ever been able to say that. But anyway check out the movie it was great. The book club went as a group to a matinee on the following Saturday. It was a blast seeing it together because we all were laughing at the same times and whispering to each other when we thought something would have looked different in the movie. We meet for lunch at a great little downtown cafe. It was a wonderful book club meeting and Saturday lunch date.

August 13th Mama Farmer had to have another 9 liters drained... The doctors are beginning to be more and more concerned with the amount of fluid she is creating. So they have decide to put off doing Chemo till her strength returns and hopefully the liver will cut back on creating so much excess fluid...

The next week was actually pretty uneventful except for my weekly exercise class. Back in July my mama literally begged me to take a Zumba class with her. She is always looking for something for "Us" to do together. So we can bond.... I don't know if you all know this but my mother drives me batty!! But I knew she wouldn't let up unless I just gave in and went with her. So I did and no I have a new obsession!!!! Zumba !!!!! Oh my goodness if you don't know what this is you need to run to your local gym and beg for them to start it!!! I also thought that if I went to this class with my mom I would be able to spend time with her, without "spending" time with her. If you get my drift!! :) I have been working really hard and diet and exercise this past month. I'm going to the gym for Zumba 2 to 3 days a week. I haven't lost any lbs but I know I'm losing serious inches!!! My arms and legs are getting so toned!! I can't believe it!!! And now I don't feel guilty for ever seeing my mother... And we are sooo busy working out she can't say anything snarky!!! I only have to listen to her snarkiness walking into class and walking out! How about them apples?

August 18th and 19th I had my yearly meltdown... The one where I am reminded at how old my ovaries are going to be on the 20th of August. Last year I had a melt down at work when I came back from lunch and my office had a surprise birthday party for me. They had cake, ice cream, balloons, flowers, the works! Yes I know you probably think I'm to young to have birthday melt downs! But I always thought I would have had all my kiddos by now and my hubby and I would just be happy raising toddlers in to happy children... Not trying to deal with the fact that I may never be a parent... So this year I took the dreaded day off so as to avoid any surprises. Side note: Tears and snot don't look very nice on pastel cake icing
I had planned on spending the whole day with my hubby hauling grain and not letting my brain wonder to "the Dark side." But my mother being the wonderful mother that she is. Had other plans!! My mom planned a lunch date for me, mom, dad my aunt (my godmother) Aka Mrs. Fertile Mertyle and 3 of her 11 children. She has never had a multiple these are all singletons!! She is a wonderful mother! She is a stay at home mom. My uncle has a wonderful job. But of all people for my mother to surprise me with this is the woman! I got to spend the one day that is the darkest for me staring back at her with watching my sweet little cousin cuddle in her lap. And knowing if she wanted to she could have one more... Yes these are the woman in my family the ones that say I'm ready for another one... 9 months later they have a beautiful baby bundle in their arms. I am the 2nd oldest grandchild of 42 grandchildren!!! This number does not include any great grand babies! My mom's side of the family is huge and it's so frustrating because every female is fertile but me!!!
So I sit at my surprise birthday luncheon trying to enjoy myself and I do for the most part. But sometimes my heart burns being around the woman on mom's side. Because they are all blissfully ignorant of the pain associated with being reproductively challenged. I thanked her profusely for driving up with the kiddos and and spending time with me on my birthday. This aunt is actually closer in age to me then she is to my mother. When I was younger we were quite close. She was just like an older sister to me and my sister.
By the time I had gotten home I was so emotionally drained. I had wanted to avoid all subjects pertaining to pregnancy, birth, babies, children, etc. on my Birthday and instead I was exposed to lethal does of all the above. I was so blue by the time Hubby came home I didn't want to celebrate anymore! But he wanted to take me shopping for my birthday present. I had it in my head that I was going to get an e-reader. I've been drooling over them for awhile now!! And so we drive the hour down to the biggest town around to look them over. And I talk myself out of all of the ones at bes.t buy because they were CRAPPY!!! And me being the tech savvy that I am didn't realize that the only place they had the k.indle was at Ta.rget!! Am I the only one who didn't know that? So we run over to the Ta.rget. To get my Birthday present and guess what? They didn't have ANY!!! And it will be several weeks before they do be cause the new version has just come out!! Just my Luck!! So not only did I not get to do what I wanted for my birthday, I had to suffer through all the questions I cannot stand and then I didn't even get the present that I wanted!!! All I wanted was a day for ME!! Was that to much to ask for?

After the birthday fiasco I had a somewhat quiet week at work. And then we actually got Mama Farmer talked into a little trip with her 2 besties to the French Lick Spa!! We didn't think we were going to get her to go. She changed her mind a half a dozen times before they actually picked her up. She thought she would get sick while she was there or the food wouldn't agree with her. But nothing bad happened. The food all agreed with her and she had a blast with her girlfriends! They got the works done. (As much as she could participate in considering her health) I tell you though, she looked like a different woman when she came home! She was literally glowing Sunday afternoon! I really think it boosted her morale. We all have tried so hard to help her and to be there for her. We have tried everything in our arsenal to cheer her up and to help her feel better. But I guess there are just some things that only your girlfriends can do...

That my friends if you are still here and made it this far was my month... I hate that I have been so lax in writing. I'm hoping to remedy that! I plan on doing a blog kick in the pants! So stay tuned.

Love & Hugs to you all!!

A Rut

I seem to have found myself sitting in one! I need someone to help me out of it! Please! I'm just sitting here playing in the muck of this rut.... HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPPP MEEEE!!!!!!!!!

I don't know what's come over me... I'm still reading blogs and commenting I just haven't been writing... I know Shame On me!!!!!!! If I have the time to read, I have the time to write... That is what Mel says anyway.

I'm working on ideas in my head but they just flit away as soon as I set my butt down to type. I promise I will climb out asap!

I love you all!!!!

Pictures!!

PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!!! You know it’s been waaaaay too long since I posted some pictures from around the farm. So I thought today should be the day!!!! So here goes


A Baby Cantaloupe This little one is about as big as a marble

This one is about the size of a baseball. And they are all in the same field!

A Baby Watermelon!! They are so stinking cute!! This little guy is about 5 inches long!

Did you know that Watermelons are not Self Fertile!!! (No wonder I like watermelons so dang much!!!) They need Honey Bees to pollinate them.

These pretty pastel colored wooden boxes are Bee Boxes! Or high Rise Apartment complexes for busy bees... Poor fellows they work all the time... (I'm cracking myself up!!!) They are actually homes to thousands and thousands of Honey Bees.

And they are so darn cute!!

I love me some bees!!! Actually I think I want to bee a Bee Keeper!! Yes I know last week I wanted to fly planes and this week I want to keep bees!! I refuse to grow up! I'm a Patricia Pan!!

I’m such a fearless blogger that I had to get some close up shots of the bees for my bloggy friends!! You all mean the world to me!! And that is why I RISKED MY LIFE for these pics!!!
No really Bees don’t bother me for some odd strange reason… Now wasps on the other hand, do bother me!!! There is a story about me and a wasp (or 2) having a make-out session in an old country church down the road from where I grew up… I still have to decide if I’m going to pull out that sad, pathetic picture from the archives… Actually I like to pretend there was never a picture taken of “The Wasp Incident.” But you see I have siblings and they tend to make sure embarrassing things like “The Wasp Incident” are NEVER forgotten!! Thank You Little Big Brother and my Older not wiser but very much more Fertile Sister!!

I like to think that this is the Queen!!!... I know the odds are against me getting a pic of the actual queen but it's a nice little dream!

Playing Catch Up

My heart is not in this post as I have had to RE WRITE IT!! Because Blogger is such a freaking loser! I do apologize.


We survived the 4th. The party went very well. Other then the fact that it was a FURNACE outside. We had a great time! Hubbs bought WAAAAAY to many fireworks and they were so beautiful. I wished I would have taken some pictures. I wanted to kick myself when I realized I never thought about pulling my camera out!! Hubbs and I were sitting on the steps after everyone had left, discussing how great it went, when I remembered. I'm such an idiot. But we had a TON of food! And a crazy amount of relatives! And no cat fights broke out! That's a plus! The in laws all got along great with each other. I haven't had a party with both sides of our family before. So that was interesting. My mom came over the day before the party to help me recover my patio cushions because they looked terrible. I took a couple pics of them. I'm so proud of our work. My mom and I each had a bolt of outdoor fabric gathering dust in our basements. So we did reversible covers. They turned out better then I expected. The Hubbs and I have been wanting to add on to the back of the house with an additional patio/deck with a hot tub and another entry way into the house but we haven't done it yet. And I knew that if I bought a new patio table and chairs now they may not work with the new patio. So we thought we should hold off on buying a new table until we built the new patio. But I'm actually quite impressed at how well they turned out. And how much time my mother and I actually spent in my kitchen together with out killing each other!!! :)

There was also one more little thing I had to get taken care of before the party. Maggie (Large fuzzy Mutt) and Buddy (St. Bernard) our sweet little pupps are Nervous Nellies when it comes to people. They REALLY don't like people on their property!! And my puppies being the size that they are can be quite LOUD and down right scary for guests when they come to our home. So I got the bright idea of calling the vet for something "to take the edge off." My hubbs wasn't too keen on the idea when I brought it up to him several weeks ago. He thought it might hurt our poor little puppies. And I told him it causes them more harm to let them bark all night trying to "defend us" then letting them chill out on some good drugs. But Mr. Farmer never said ok or no. So my being the resourceful wifey that I am I took that as my cue to do what I thought best!!! I went to the vet on Friday morning and picked up the "goods." I was feeling okay about it. I knew I was doing them a favor. I was just going to keep telling myself that. That's how I will get though this. So I toss the pills in the bottom of my purse not really wanting the Hubbs to discover what I'm plotting for our (fur) kids. If he finds them then he will know what I'm going to do, if not then he wasn't "meant" to know about it!! (Yes I know I'm a sick individual) So Saturday comes and goes Sunday morning rolls around Mr. Farmer is getting everything ready. And then the afternoon ticks by and he has to run down and feed the horses , chickens etc. And I know it's NOW or never!! If I don't give them the "Happy Pills" now I won't get a chance to give the pills once he's back. I rummaged through the fridge looking for some meat of some sort. I tabulate the weight (Or really guesstimate it in my head) and divide the pills accordingly. And then the GUILT!! Oh man she slams in the chest! She comes back up again and slaps me in the face! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!! You are drugging your (fur)Kids!! Why would you do such a horrible thing?! And then I tell that ole bitch guilt to F*%k off I have a party to get ready for! I carry they turkey and chill pill sandwich out to my babies whom I love more then anything and they come running to me! They look up at me and cock there pretty little heads at me and sit very still waiting for a "Treat" from there momma. And that Damn Guilt comes around again!! What the Hell am I thinking?! They are so cute!! And defenseless!! Wouldn't everyone in my family love to have Buddy's slobber rubbed on their legs. And his hot stinky breath in their face as he is barking like Cujo at them? And then I shake my head and SAY NO! Nobody likes a barking dog!! NOBODY! Give them the "Happy Sandwich" and deal with it!! At this point I'm about in tears thinking how terrible I am for wanting to drug my dogs just for a party!! But I know their Daddy will be back soon and it's got to be done or we won't have any peace at all tonight! So I slowly hand them there sandwiches and they happily chomp them down and pat me on the leg. And Buddy rubs some drool all over the outside of my leg and as it dribbles down to my flip flop and then I realize I have done the right thing.... Flash forward 2 hours. My sister in Law and her kids arrive And Maggie and Buddy were both laying comfortably on the floor. In fact TOO COMFORTABLY! They didn't even get up and bark when the truck drove in. That is some GOOD SHIT!! In fact Buddy laid under the table and looked like he had just put away 2 gallons of Jack Daniels!! His eyes were so droopy. Holy Cow I've killed my dogs! Maggie was able to get up and walk over to Mr. Farmer but she walked right past him... I'm thinking she must have been seeing double. She found him eventually. Mr. Farmer bent down and asked her if she was feeling bad... She wagged her tail slowly and he said maybe it's the heat!! Of course it was the heat! They are very furry babies and it's 100 degrees out. Yes it's the heat!!! It only took us 5 minutes to get them to walk 20 feet. We put them in their pen and they slept peacefully all evening. The guilt had jumped on to my back and I carried her around all night. My dad actually came up and asked me what was wrong with the dogs and I had to tell him the truth. And he laughed and said I think you gave Bud a little too much!! Then I laughed. And he told me it was better for them to sleep then to be so stressed out. It made me feel a little better to hear my dad tell me that. But I knew Mr. Farmer was worrying about the kids and I had to tell him. So before the fireworks began I told him. He wasn't mad he actually said he thought it was better for Maggs this way cause she gets soooo worked up. But oh jee whiz was it funny watching "drunk" dogs stumbling around.

Overall the party went well considering the merging of the clans and the drugging of the canines. We have had plenty of parties in the past just for one side or the other. Not both together! We had quite a few bodies at her house and a couple of little hooligans running wild. My sister in law (the one who "planned" our party) has 3 kiddos, a 13 year old girl and 2 boys aged 9 and 6. The boys can really make a party interesting! :) They behaved pretty well through dinner. But once they found the Mt Dew, they were wired for sound. These boys are actually pretty funny, but can wear you ragged pretty quickly! So the whole fam damily were sitting out back waiting for the sun to set when the boys began setting off bottle rockets, snakes, and stink bombs. (All under parental supervision of course) But being the stinky, sugar crazed, dirty faced boys they are. They were screaming and hollering and just being down right annoying while they were setting off the noise makers. My mother and father I think were a little shocked by all the ruckus and the lack of control on my sister in law's part (but that isn't my place or anyone else to say anything:) My parents were really strict growing up. In fact we never would have behaved like that at home, much less at my aunt or uncle's home. Because there would have been consequences for us once we got home and they weren't going to be good if you know what I mean. But while all the adults were watching the boys and talking in a group in our lawn chairs. My mom leans over and says: "Are they the reason you haven't had kids yet?" Granted it is a funny comment when you think about how badly behaved these kiddos were. But it still stung after she had said it. Because if my own mother thinks that I'm scared of having uncontrollable children and that's the reason I'm not procreating with my husband. Then I'm sure the whole family thinks the same thing also!

But I'm not going to focus on her comment. Because when I do it stings even more and I don't want to keep opening it up. Cause it hurts. GEE THANKS MOM!!!!

But yes that was the 4th of July in a nutshell!! Sorry it took so long to post. I have even more to catch you all up on.
Love & Hugs!!!

4th of July

What are your plans for the 4th? I hear this question everyday for a week or 2 before the actual holiday. Usually Mr. Farmer and I like to lay low when it comes to holidays we don't commit. We like to be free agents so we can flutter from party to party and then hit the road early so we can go home and :::GASP::: cuddle and watch TV!! Yes Mr. Farmer and I are home bodies. We love to stay home and snuggle with the cat on the couch eating ice cream and catching up on our DVR. So we kind of thought we would be doing the same thing this year... Mama Farmer has always had the 4th of July party at her house and we could go down and eat and set the fireworks off for the kiddos and then bail. But this year my Sister In Law had told us that she would be having the 4th of July party at her house. Because Mama Farmer just can't mess with it this year Sister Farmer said she would do it... Great!! Mr. Farmer and I can make an appearance and hang out with the kiddos and then bail out and get a good nights sleep :::WINK WINK::: Well yesterday afternoon Sister Farmer calls Mr. Farmer with a grocery list of excuses why she can't have the 4th at her house!! And since Mama can't have it then that means we GET TO HOST IT!!! How great!! But the icing on the cake was this whole time she has been inviting everyone and their brother's cousin's, step brother's, mother in law to the party... And telling them it will be at: Mr. & Mrs. Farmer's house!!!! So hell now I have to scramble around and get everything in order for the whole neighborhood + cousins, in laws and out laws. While I'm working everyday this week!! BUT get this: Sister Farmer works for the local school corp. So she is out of school for the summer! And she could be getting her place ready for the party but one of her excuses was she wouldn't be able to because she has to work at the local fair on Saturday for 4 hours... What the Hell?!!! I'm just a tad overwhelmed now! I do LOVE having parties! And the 4th of July is one of my very favorite holidays but I don't like having to rush at the last minute getting food together pulling out decor etc because someone dumped their party on me!! Am I being a little whiny? Do I have a right to be upset with My Sister in Law? I just feel dumped on!! Like I said I do love having people over and I love the 4th! But the plan was that she was going to have the party NOT us!!! Oh and let me add one more insult to injury: I have to work Monday!!! So not only will I have half of our neighbors in my yard/barn and house till all hours I will have to drag my ass out the door to work early in the morning!! Not FAIR!!!!

Dad

You know the old saying: "You don't know what you've got till it's gone." Well this saying has been etched into my heart since Wednesday morning...

I almost lost this man! This man is my Daddy. He gave me my sense of humor. My ability to laugh at life and to roll with the punches. And to never back down from something you believe in.

This man is such an amazing soul! I wish you all could meet my dad.

My dad was in a terrible accident on Wednesday morning. He works for the railroad. And his crew's truck was hit by a train. There are so many lies being spread around on the Internet, and the news about what happened. They were not parked on the railroad tracks and believe or not his crew has had almost 3 years accident free status. The driver came to a crossing where the train tracks were curved. So the first time he looked the train was not there and by the 2nd time he looked he was already half way across. The driver slammed on the accelerator and saved there lives. Had he hesitated that split second I would have not had my dad here to celebrate Father's Day. The train still hit the truck but the damage was not as severe as it could have been had the train hit the middle of the truck instead of the tail end. 1 of the guys was med a vaced and the the driver was hurt pretty bad also. But thankfully they are all alive and moving around. My dad is out of the hospital now. This has been the most emotional Father's Day weekend of my entire life!! My family is not verbally expressive when it comes to matters of the heart. So I wrote my dad a letter for Father's Day. I actually think there were tears in his eyes when he read it. I wanted him to know what he meant to me and I apologized for all the years I wasn't the easiest person to be around (ie., From 12 to 21:) But mostly I wanted him to know I needed him and couldn't imagine going through a Father's Day without him. I'm glad I got to give him that letter instead of wishing I would have told him all that while he was still here. We have all had a scare this week and to tell you the truth I'm almost glad we got shook up. I think we need to be scared sometimes to realize how short our lives really are. In the blink of an eye my dad could have never come home.

Flip Flop Update

I don't know about you all but I have found some of the most awesome friends through my blog. Marla being one of them she has helped me when I've been in some real pickles!! And now she is currently helping me make the Flip Flop Swap a Shoe Extravaganza!! Marla has such vision! I swear if any of you aren't following her you better be!! Now back to the Flip Flop Swap. Marla and I got to talking about the work involved and what needed to be done to pull this off. And she actually began thinking bigger then just me and my little humble blog. I was just going to do a little ole swap for me and my followers and each of us could get one glam pair of flops and call it a day! But no Marla sees bigger then my little hole in the web. She said why get one pair of Flip Flops when you could get 30? And that's all it took! I was ready to listen!! So soon I will be unveiling the new rules of the Flip Flop Palooza once Marla puts the finishing touches on it. We have been going back and forth on little ideas and soon we will have it all wrapped up and ready to reveal!! And I can't wait! This is going to be fantastic!!! I really can't wait to share it with you all.

Love and Hugs!!

I cracked the door...

...of the Infertility closet and stuck my bright 1940's secretary red polished toe out and let the light hit it....

I'm not going to say I have come completely out of the closet like one of my heroes But I'm taking baby steps to get to that point. Last night was our monthly book club meeting and it was fantastic!! When I walked into that meeting last night the thought of announcing my struggle to conceive a child was not on the forefront of conversation topics. I use my book club meetings as some what of an escape. Maybe an escape from reality. Que: Queen!!! ::I'm just a poor boy nobody likes me...:: But really I hate to say this, but with all the trials that test a soul it is nice to just step out of it all sometimes. And that is what my book club bubble has become for me. A getaway. So last night we discussed last month's book which was quite gut wrenching to read. It was: In Harm's Way by: Doug Stanton. Which is the story of the sinking of the USS Indianapolis. Which was a very tragic event in WWII. I have to say there was so much information it was hard to read. And the author was VERY GRAPHIC in his description of what happened to these men. But that isn't what led me to crack the door to my closet. We had such a flowing conversation on this book. We got worked up and angry at the government who didn't protect Our Soldiers. We cried about the terrible losses this country had because of it. But then with that we walked our way into so many different places in our discussions. And some how or another we found ourselves in a discussion about labor & delivery, babies and the all too common ttc conversations. Someone mentioned that they would have loved to have gotten the chance of "Trying" to get pregnant instead of being surprised each time. And then she said it must be fun to just be able to "Try?" And then it just spewed forth from my mouth! I couldn't catch it! No it's not!!! I stated! Try, 2 years of having to "Try." I saw the words floating out in front of me. With no way to stop them! I haven't EVER told ANYBODY that in a public setting! Except here where I'm safe to express my feelings. I only have a aunt who knows and 2 close friends who somewhat know what we are dealing with but they don't quite know the extent and here I just announced to the whole room the TTC sucks!! I just brought my reality into my Never Never Land. I led it by the hand into the room kicking and screaming as I dragged her. But here is the surprising thing: After I had said it we talked about it and the conversation naturally moved along to other things. But something changed in me!! It didn't feel like I had that scarlet letter "I" embroidered on my heart anymore. Even though no one in the room even noticed I had made such a monumental step last night. I felt better about it. Okay, now women I don't know that well, know something about me, my own family doesn't even know! But it felt GREAT! Why? I have no idea. But like I said it was a huge step in accepting this whole pile of crap I've been dealt and as of late I have tried hard to avoid. Mostly because there are so many more major things going on in our lives. One being Mama Farmer's illness. But today is the start of her final chemo. She will get hooked up in about 2 hours and will carry her last pack of chemo around for the next 48 hours. On Friday they will remove it and that will be it for treatments!! God Willing in 4 to 6 weeks when she goes in for her next PET scan she will be Cancer FREE!!! And then maybe 2 months after that we can slowly get some semblance of order back into our lives. She will get her sense of taste back, she will begin to slowly gain some weight and won't look like a little girl playing dress up in her mother's clothes. Maybe my husband and I can get a little bit of our old routine back... And then maybe, just maybe I could begin to think about treatments for myself again... I just feel so hopeful today!! All because of one outburst!!! Who would have thought saying something I have been afraid of admitting to would make me feel better?

Thank You Miss Sass!!!

Gorgeous Blogger Award

Accept and thank the person who gave it to you! List 5 things about yourself. List 5 additional things you DON'T like Then pick 5 people to give this lovely award to!

Miss Sass over at The Secret Life Of Sass and Lex sent this to me. And I want to apologize cause I'm so slow at putting awards up. (the reason is: cause I'm so stinking TERRIBLE at making clicky links!!!) So please everyone go and visit my loverly friend Sass and all the other award winners while your at!!!! Thank a million Sassy girl and please don't hate me for taking so long to post it!!!

5 Things About Me:
1) I always have my toes painted a very bright loud RED think: 1940's secretary red :)

2) I'm a big book reader. I love to read. And since we have this book club I find myself reading more and more. Anything I can get my hands on.

3) I'm a water baby. I love to swim!! And I'm begging Mr. Farmer to either get me a pool or a hot tub. Preferably a hot tub cause then I could soak in the winter. But both would be heavenly!!!

4) I love to mow grass!! I never got to do it growing up because my dad always said it was "his job" so my sister, mom and I never learned how to mow. But I secretly think he loves to mow as much as I do. Now that I have my own yard I don't even like to wait a week to mow again. I love the way it looks when it's freshly mowed. I love the smell of the grass and I love to run the tractor. And I really love the time that I get to spend thinking. It's a great not so quiet, quite time. :)

5) I love Dark chocolate!! I have a torrid love affair going on with chocolate. Shh don't tell Mr. Farmer!!

5 Things I hate:
1) I HATE INFERTILITY!!!

2) I HATE CANCER!!!

3) I hate to fold clothes!! But I love to do laundry... Go figure that one out!!

4) I hate know it all pricks! (Some nameless men I work with:)

4) I hate Insensitive pricks (see above sorry there just aren't a whole lot of things that I hate)

And now, the awards:

1st award goes to my favorite Chickie in Texas Marla

2nd award goes to the greatest acrobat in this circus: The Circus Princess

3rd award goes to: Hannah cause she is she a sweetie and has about the biggest heart in VA

4th award goes to a fellow farming widow Kacy

5th award goes to all of you stopping in from ICLW please take this award as a Thank You for stopping in and visiting me and my little corner of the world wide web.

Love & Hugs

99 Things about Me

I have to say I stole this post from Marla Please drop by and see one of my favorite bloggy friends. She always posts fun stuff! So I thought I would play along. I love finding out all kinds of fun stuff about people.

If your here from ICLW welcome! I can't wait to meet you all. I'm really going to try and at least peek at each blog on this month's list... Hopefully!! But if the weather is super nice out Hubby might need me in the fields so I won't be able to. As my blog name states I'm a Farmer's wife. We live on my Hubby's Family Farm. It's been in the family FOREEEEEVVVVVVER


And we have been TTC for 2 years now. I have PCOS which is sooooo not fun. We are kind of on a break since Mama Farmer (aka Hubby's Mama) was diagnosed with Cancer. We are hoping to start fertility treatments again in July. God willing! But anyway that's our life in a nutshell thanks for stopping by and I hope you stick around and get to know me a little. I promise to check you out if you leave me a comment. Thanks again! And have a very happy ICLW!!!


99 Things About Me

1. Started your own blog – Yes Indeed!!!
2. Slept under the stars - Oh yes and it is heavenly!!!
3. Played in a band - I played the guitar for our church choir a few times but I mostly just sang. So I don't know it that counts. I would love to have been in a REAL Band
4. Visited Hawaii- Yes and it truly is paradise!! My baby brother lives there and I'm trying to work in another visit soon.... Hopefully
5. Watched a meteor shower - Yes I Remember sitting on a dock in the middle of a huge lake at about 2:00 in the morning with one of my best friends and we sat there all night talking and drinking beer and watching and wishing and every star... It was awesome!! I miss you H. Thomas!!!!
6. Given more than you can afford to charity- Well I don't feel like I ever give what I want to give. But I try.
7. Been to DisneyWorld - Yes
8. Climbed a mountain- Yes the last one was Diamond Head in Hawaii
9. Held a praying mantis - Nope
10. Sang a solo - Yes I love to sing
11. Bungee jumped - No but my Hubby has and loves it!
12. Visited Paris - Yep I actually spent my 15th birthday there. Lord was it amazing!!!
13. Watched a lightning storm - Yes I

Leo

Yes my horoscope tells me I'm a Leo. I'm not really into all that nonsense but on occasion I will read it if some one has a copy of the paper laying on their desk. Today one of the guys I work with had an article he wanted me to read in our local paper. So I read it and my eyes glanced over to the Horoscope column and quickly found this:

LEO (July 23- Aug 22) - Some major impediments in an arrangement you're trying to get to work will finally break away and let you grow crops in what was a field of weeds.

Ummmm Well that was interesting! I do tend to think of my body as a barren field... So what would the major impediment be? Maybe the fact that I did not ovulate with my miracle herbs! Or maybe I will get another period on them in the next week or so and then in the new cycle I will ovulate!!!!... That is a lot to think about. I just thought I would share this with you all. Since I thought it was so funny that it was farming related and kinda sorta made me think. I'm thinking I need you all to give me your insights on what this horoscope means. I don't know how to decipher them. And I always like to add: "In Bed" even though you are only supposed to do that on fortune cookies!! :)

Oh Holy cow!!! For shits and Giggles I just read Mr. Farmers!! Hold on to your hats!!!

Pisces (Feb 20- March 20) - If you have something interesting you've been working on, and you are ready to launch, throw the switch now. You could be extremely lucky today regarding new endeavors.

WOW! Now if that's not creepy I don't know what is! I think just to be on the safe side I might have to jump Mr. Farmer tonight... Hey my Horoscope said so right?

Fertility update: I pulled out the dreaded, evil and despicable CBEFM. Back when I began spotting about 31 days ago and i peed on sticks faithfully every morning for 20 days. Now it's telling me it's low again I never got a peak fert symbol. But I feel really good taking this stuff I don't know what it's doing. I had some pretty weird cramping right around the time I "should" have been ovulating. So maybe my body is trying to do this. I think I will go one more round on the "Au natural stuff" and then maybe in about 2 months time we will be in a better position to go back to the RE and try again. Mama Farmer actually feels somewhat better but she is carrying a whole lot of equipment around with her. They just added a vacuum to the wound on her stomach to assist in the healing. Her body just is not wanting to heal and I know the chemo probably is mostly to blame for that. But hopefully by the end of June she will have finished all the Chemo treatments. She had to do 13 total and we will be coming up on the 11th this next week. So by July Mr. Farmer will have harvested the wheat got the late beans planted and we will slow down a little. And I will be on may way to Dr. B.... Maybe

Why Me?

You know how I posted all those smart and snappy remarks to use for when some one came up to me and asked why Mr. Farmer and I still hadn't produced any children... Well those funny little remarks flew right out of my head yesterday when a guy I have worked with for 7 years said one of the most terrible comments I have ever gotten.... I was sitting at my desk minding my business as usual. He came by to stand in my office door since my office is near the sales fax. Jim pokes his head in and asks: So Mrs. Farmer how was your Mother's Day? I shrugged my shoulders and said Jim you do know that I don't have kids right? Oh yes I know... So did you have a good Mother's Day. And so I said yes it was fine, I planted flowers and spent some time with My Mother In Law. And then he proceeds to ask me: So Mrs. Farmer will this be the Last Mother's Day you celebrate with out children?... OMFG!!!! He even laughed after he said it... Like he had just told the funniest joke of the day. I sat there and imagined smashing his head in with my fist... And pulling out that evil tongue that said such nasty things. And do you know what? The only thing I could think up to say was WOW! I think I shook my head looked down at my hands and said wow a second time and then I told Jim I don't know? Why don't you tell me? Is this going to be the last one? I literally had to bite the insides of my cheeks as he walked away so I could keep from crying! I would never in a million years have said that to someone who didn't have children. Esp if I had worked with them for 7 years!! And that person had not had children and didn't ever talk about children. You would kind of get the hint that it might be a tad taboo!!! I'm still flabbergasted today as I type this out. Why do people think that it's funny? And why would they think it was their business to know that kind of personal information while waiting on a fax? I hate people.... I hate people I work with... I hate people who think they should know every juicy bit of information about you but never share the slightest bit of information about themselves... I hate that I'm the type of person that gets hurt by stupid people like that!

This Saturday night depending on the weather... Mr. Farmer and I will be heading out to his High School Mixer. Which is usually tons of fun. But because of the timing we don't always get to go because of planting season and the fact that crops need to get put into the ground before we can party. So the last 2 years we haven't made it to the mixer. So this year could be the first year we have gone since we have been officially TTC. And I know the phrases that I love to hear will be thrown out there and then they will be followed by awkward silences. I'm just hoping I can get tanked up really good this year and I won't remember any of the rude questions about our still being childless or I get really tanked up and throw some not so nice comments back!

Mr. Farmer is 6 years older then me. And so many of the couples that we know have children that are already in Kindergarten and a few are even older then that. Some of these couples have been together as long as Mr. Farmer and I have been together. We were just a little slower at getting married. Hubby and I dated for 5 years before we got married so altogether we have been a couple for nearly nine years!!! So every time we get together with his crowd we have to hear all kinds of "helpful advice" not so nice comments and some actually down right rude comments.

But this time around I'm going to implement a plan to counter attack the nosy fertile ones... See below!!!

Here are my top 5 excuses that I'm going to use when someone comes up to ask why we haven't had any kids yet... Or some other idiotic question regarding my reproductive status! This time I'm going to be prepared!

1.) Well see I don't want to loose my School girl Figure... (::Insert hysterically drunk laughing here:: and then point at the woman who said the above comment or point to said commenter's wife and say:: "like you/she did"::and then laugh again::)

2.) Well see I like to be able to drink alcohol till my face turns numb!!! And you can't really do that if your knocked up or have a kid hanging on you...

3.) Well we don't have to worry about getting home to relieve a babysitter. Heck we could drive to Florida tonight and we wouldn't have to tell a soul!

4.) Mr. Farmer and I can sleep in as late as we want after an all night drinking binge. And we don't have to worry about having to get up to take care of a little kiddo.

5.) My 1968 Brittany Blue Mustang would not look very cool with a baby seat in the back

I'm sure I don't have to explain that I would gladly give up all these things for the rest of eternity if I knew I could have child in my arms... But by actually acknowledging that we have a problem to some of these idiots would just make it ten time worse. So for me and Mr. Farmer it's easier to think of funny or not so nice come backs to say to nosy people who don't really need to know our reproductive status... Please think of some more good come backs and share them in the comments!! I'm sure we are going to need them!

Love & Hugs

National Day of Prayer

Since today is the National Day of Prayer and I thought I would write about prayer.

I have been trying to pray for all of my bloggy friends everyday. I thought I would ask the same of you. I know some people don't believe in prayer and I have only lately began to pray again. I'm not asking you to pray to God if you don't believe. But please just send some good thoughts out to each other. Or a great big virtual hug to each other.

I don't know what has come over me lately but I have been trying harder and harder to pray for God's will instead of my own... It has been so difficult asking for that. Instead of praying that "I become pregnant as soon as possible." or "please make me a mother." I'm actually trying to focus on what is, meant To Be. Not what I want, To Be. It has been such a struggle. Some days it has been easier then others. And some days not so easy. But I thought if maybe we could all pray, send happy thoughts, or just some good karma to each other it might bring some peace into our hearts. So please think of all our bloggy sisters today!!

Sending you all the prayers and good thoughts I can muster!!!

Love & Hugs