Hall O Weenie!!!!

Guess what? Halloween is starting early this year!! The Crimson Quill book club is holding the October meeting tonight!! And we are all dressing up!! How fun does that sound? I'm super excited about dressing up. For the last few weeks I had planned on going as Hippie but then one of the girls thought we should dress up as characters from the books we have read over the last year. Is that not a great idea? I won't tell you all who I have chosen cause I don't know who all is reading today! Hopefully the book club gals won't be reading this!! :) Love ya!!
Well I found my costume hanging in the back of my closet... Which is how most of my Halloween costumes begin... Yes I am one of "Those" adults!!! Which really I guess I need to use the term "adult" loosely!! :) I truly love to dress up for Halloween now that I am grown. I think it is so much fun! Growing up my mother was VEEEEEEEEEEEEERY strict about things like that. So we were not allowed to dress up for Halloween. But being we were Catholic my mother would let us dress up the following day on All Saints Day as a Saint of "our" choice... But we couldn't trick or treat or anything like that. It was pretty Lame!!! Let me tell ya... Holy cow when I look back at memories like that it sometimes scares me. I think of how much I want to be a parent and then I remember how psycho my mother was and I know I have her blood running through my veins... Will I become that crazy mother?


WoOOOOOOOOAH I need to stop this horse now! I was soooo not going to go there but it happened anyway. Those crazy childhood memories creep up out of no where sometimes.

Getting back to my costume!! It's just a simple white night gown that my mother in law had purchased from some old lady who makes lace & woman's old fashioned garments. So she bought me a very long, very old fashioned white nightgown. Which is actually quite pretty for oh say 19o1! But it's just a little too humble and quaint for my bedroom attire.... Mind you I don't wear leather and chains! I just don't wear 5 yards of fabric to bed each night!!! :) God bless her! I would love to have seen what was going on in her mind when she saw this thing!! Was she thinking: mmm you know Mrs. Farmer really would look nice in this? Or maybe if I buy this Mr. Farmer defiantly won't chase her around this house in this one... Poor girl, could get her rest on the nights she wears this one...

Any way getting back to the reason I'm posting! I'm going to wear a long sleeve shirt underneath and buy some wound dressing tape. I'm going to put some fake blood on the tape and then place the tape on the white gown. And then I will be going as a murdered woman! Won't that be interesting? I can't wait to see all the other girls' costumes! I think were going to have a blast tonight. Hopefully I will remember to take pictures!
Love to you all!!

I cracked the door...

...of the Infertility closet and stuck my bright 1940's secretary red polished toe out and let the light hit it....

I'm not going to say I have come completely out of the closet like one of my heroes But I'm taking baby steps to get to that point. Last night was our monthly book club meeting and it was fantastic!! When I walked into that meeting last night the thought of announcing my struggle to conceive a child was not on the forefront of conversation topics. I use my book club meetings as some what of an escape. Maybe an escape from reality. Que: Queen!!! ::I'm just a poor boy nobody likes me...:: But really I hate to say this, but with all the trials that test a soul it is nice to just step out of it all sometimes. And that is what my book club bubble has become for me. A getaway. So last night we discussed last month's book which was quite gut wrenching to read. It was: In Harm's Way by: Doug Stanton. Which is the story of the sinking of the USS Indianapolis. Which was a very tragic event in WWII. I have to say there was so much information it was hard to read. And the author was VERY GRAPHIC in his description of what happened to these men. But that isn't what led me to crack the door to my closet. We had such a flowing conversation on this book. We got worked up and angry at the government who didn't protect Our Soldiers. We cried about the terrible losses this country had because of it. But then with that we walked our way into so many different places in our discussions. And some how or another we found ourselves in a discussion about labor & delivery, babies and the all too common ttc conversations. Someone mentioned that they would have loved to have gotten the chance of "Trying" to get pregnant instead of being surprised each time. And then she said it must be fun to just be able to "Try?" And then it just spewed forth from my mouth! I couldn't catch it! No it's not!!! I stated! Try, 2 years of having to "Try." I saw the words floating out in front of me. With no way to stop them! I haven't EVER told ANYBODY that in a public setting! Except here where I'm safe to express my feelings. I only have a aunt who knows and 2 close friends who somewhat know what we are dealing with but they don't quite know the extent and here I just announced to the whole room the TTC sucks!! I just brought my reality into my Never Never Land. I led it by the hand into the room kicking and screaming as I dragged her. But here is the surprising thing: After I had said it we talked about it and the conversation naturally moved along to other things. But something changed in me!! It didn't feel like I had that scarlet letter "I" embroidered on my heart anymore. Even though no one in the room even noticed I had made such a monumental step last night. I felt better about it. Okay, now women I don't know that well, know something about me, my own family doesn't even know! But it felt GREAT! Why? I have no idea. But like I said it was a huge step in accepting this whole pile of crap I've been dealt and as of late I have tried hard to avoid. Mostly because there are so many more major things going on in our lives. One being Mama Farmer's illness. But today is the start of her final chemo. She will get hooked up in about 2 hours and will carry her last pack of chemo around for the next 48 hours. On Friday they will remove it and that will be it for treatments!! God Willing in 4 to 6 weeks when she goes in for her next PET scan she will be Cancer FREE!!! And then maybe 2 months after that we can slowly get some semblance of order back into our lives. She will get her sense of taste back, she will begin to slowly gain some weight and won't look like a little girl playing dress up in her mother's clothes. Maybe my husband and I can get a little bit of our old routine back... And then maybe, just maybe I could begin to think about treatments for myself again... I just feel so hopeful today!! All because of one outburst!!! Who would have thought saying something I have been afraid of admitting to would make me feel better?

The Red Tent

As some of you may know I'm in a local book club. I haven't shared much lately cause it has been quiet uneventful. Just great reading!! My book club is compromised of mostly married women with children. The women range in age of 25 to 55. And not a one of them are infertile. They are all happy women who enjoy their children, life and their husbands. This has been perfectly fine for the past several months. I have enjoyed every month and looked forward to our next meeting and the next book. But today this new book hit me like a ton of well, "books." This new read thus far has been beautifully written. It's described from Dinah's point of view, of how she sees the women in her family. Dinah was a woman from the bible. She is the daughter of Jacob and Leah. She wasn't mentioned to much in the bible. Anita Diamant introduces you to her father, four mothers, and twelve brothers. The story seems to take place mostly in "The Red Tent." which is where the women during the dark of the moon. (aka Aunt Flow comes to town) All the women who happen to be sisters have always wanted a daughter to pass their stories down to. Because they can't pass their stories to the sons. The only woman in the family who has a daughter is Leah. So all the sisters pass their stories to Dinah during their mensuration when they are all together in "The Red Tent." So today I'm eating my lunch and reading my book in our local park. And like most Christian women I remember Rachel's struggle to get pregnant and her crying out to God. But I hadn't really thought too much about her lately. Especially when I have been trying to avoid all things fertile or infertile. Then while I'm eating my leftover, homemade goulash. I read where Bilhah, Rachel's younger sister comes to her after watching Rachel struggle with the grief and pain and trying everything in her power to become pregnant. Rachel drank potions from the local mid wife. She slept against trees, laid in rivers, ate snake meat and mandrake. Hoping that something would stir her body to create a life. And Bilhah couldn't watch her laying depression on her mat any longer so she offered her body to her sister. Saying I give you my womb and my breasts for your child. I sat there in my truck trying to swallow the lump that had immediately grown so large in my throat. I could hardly breath. And then those damn tears bursted out of the corners of my eyes. I got broadsided! I had never experienced a love like that from another woman. Or even for another women. It took my breath away to think that this poor little sister just wanted her older sister to be a mother so bad that she offered her body for her. It gives me chills thinking about it now as I type this out.

Had I read the reviews about the book I might have sensed that this book may have infertile undertones... Or maybe some flat out water works inducing pages. And then I probably wouldn't have wanted to read it. But as per usual I try not to find out anything about the upcoming book. Just so I won't have pre-conceived leanings about it.

Now I'm not telling you to not read this book. I will give my official view of this book once I'm done with it. But I'm sure it will be quite interesting.

So now here I am having to deal with my infertility all over again. I never told you all that we had to take a forced break (longer then what we had planned) because our extended family life just fell all to hell around us. This past weekend was the first time we hadn't been to the hospital every day in over 3 weeks. Life had just been to stressful to add fertility treatments into the mix. My plan was just not talk about it, don't think about it, and definitely not deal with it. But the more I would try to not think about it. The more I found myself thinking about it. We would find our self walking behind the most perfect little toddler walking hand in hand with his parents. Looking over his shoulder at us. WHY ME? I would ask. But the voice in the sky wouldn't answer me back.

My Mother in Law, Aka: Mama Farmer. Took a turn for the worst and it was bad for a couple weeks and right now it's still not fantastic but she is doing better. The day we almost lost her 2 weeks ago. I was watching her cancer ravaged body laying in the big white bed and the nurses were flying all around her rushing to get her poor little body stable enough to take her down stairs for emergency surgery. I saw the sheer terror in her eyes. Watching and almost recording her children's faces in her memory. I know why she was doing it. And I felt like I was inside out. Almost Like I wasn't a real woman. I couldn't shake the thought that I may not have anyone to pass my stories on to about my family...

Welcom ICLWers!!!!

I just wanted to say Hello to all the new people stopping by. I will give you a tad bit of background.

I'm married to a farmer we live in the heartland of America. We have been married almost 3 years. We are trying although so far unsuccessfully to add to our family. So far we have only ended up with 3 furkids. 2 dogs and 1 cat. I have PCOS and haven't had a period on my own in AGES!!! So at the end of this cycle. If I can start on my own (please cross your fingers and pray to God!!!) we will be starting our 1st medicated cycle. If I don't start on my own I will wait till CD35 and test to make sure I didn't have a miracle happen. And then I will get the dreaded progesterone and to have Aunt Flow stop in for a visit. After that I will start on Gonal F and Ovidrel for Trigger. So far I'm only on CD21 so in a few weeks I will be so full of hormones no one will want to be around me!!! That's all I've got.

I blog about farming and my family and stupid little things I love to take pictures but I'm no photographer. One of these days I hope to take a couple classes just for fun. I love to read also. I have just joined a book club that's just begun in my home town. And our 2nd book has just been phenomenal. (I picked this one!!!) It's spooky and dark and has a ton of secrets and mystery to it. I highly recommend this book to everyone. I had to start reading something other then infertility/fertility material. Or I was going to go crazy if I didn't. So this has helped get me out of this whole infertility bubble.
The book I just finished and have been referring to is: The Thirteenth Tale By: Diane Setterfield.

Go get it!! Oh and it's a perfect read for October!!!

Thanks for stopping by!!!

Countdown!!!!

Oh lordy I haven't been very good this past week!! Please forgive me. I have been reading in my spare time!!! And my reading hasn't always had to do with my faulty lady part either! As you may have heard I'm in a book club now and we have officially started reading our 1st book this past week. So far its been pretty good. No complaints. We chose: The Next Thing on My List By Jill Smolinski. I highly suggest it thus far. I have gotten about half way though it. I'm picking next months book and I'm a little apprehensive because I don't want to upset anyone or to pick the wrong thing. So if anyone has a good suggestion for our October book please send then my way. I have a small list put together. I will post it below and if you have read them please comment on them.

The Year of Fog
The Seamstress
My Sister's Keeper
The Murder of a Medici Princess
Nineteen Minutes
The Memory Keepers Daughter
The Secret Life of Bees
Her Fearful Symmetry


I was kind of thinking of maybe a good romance, mystery, intrigue, suspense, but not too scary. I will have to do the theme for our meeting and since its October I thought it would be fun for it to be a little (very little) scary. On account of Halloween being such a fun holiday and I have found some great finger foods for our October mtg too. So please HELP!!!!!!!

Oh and on the Fert front. Still no AF and I'm okay with it. I'm not anxious about it like I was. I'm 9 days and counting away from the big RE appt. And I know that everything will change once I have gotten through that appt. So now I just have to coast though the next 9 days and not think too much about my wonky ovaries and spiteful uterus. So everyone give me your opinions on my book lists and stick with me as I count down to the first MALE gyno appt!!!! Yippee!!!

Love & Hugs to all my fellow bloggies

My new baby

Well I know you all know its not possible for me to have actually had a baby. But I do have a new pet project that is becoming my baby. I'm working on it with some friends here in my home town. And I'm pretty excited about it. Actually I'm very excited about it. It has all come together so quickly and so smoothly. It feels like it was meant to be. I'm from a pretty small town and I still work in that small town. Although I live with my hubby, Mr. Farmer. In another county which is adjacent to my home county. So I feel like I'm still connected and I want to participate in this town more. So a couple of us girls were chatting on Facebook about how are town didn't have a book club. Yes I know its sad that we don't have a book club. But it is Midwest hometown USA so we aren't as up to the minute as the bigger cities. So we got our act together and 3 of us had a planning meeting and threw some ideas around and now we have it set. A real live book club!!! How awesome is that? I have a lot of dreams for this little pet project. I really think our town needs something like this. I know the women I'm acquainted with would love this. It's just something I wanted you all to share in. My friend Emily has been the driving force behind it all and she is good at it too. She has come up with the sweetest name. It's The Crimson Quill Society!! I love it!! She has done so much to get us set up. I'm stoked!! She even found a local author who wrote some short stories. So that is what we have to read before our 1st official book club meeting on Tuesday night. So I'm sure I will be keeping you all posted. Which that night also happens to be my next appt with Beth (the worlds greatest acupuncturist!!!) and so I'm going to be running around like a chicken with my head cut off that day and evening but I don't care. I really think I needed something to divert me from all this Infertility nonsense. Yes I called it nonsense because right now that's exactly how I feel about all this!!! Oh and I got my new patient packet from the RE. It had a TON of info in it. Question: Do all of your RE's have a "Patient Portal" ie Website for contact between the doctor & patient? This doctor has a web page for the patients to keep up with all the info and appointments, diagnoses etc. It even has an FAQ page! I had about 10 to 15 different pages to fill out on the website that was all my pertinent information. There is a place that the Doctor or nurse will send you messages and information. I'm really blown away by all this. Is this normal? I don't know if its just cause I'm a back woods country girl, that has never had this level of interaction with a doctor. But this is freaking fantastic!!!! Am I getting my hopes up to much for thinking this is going to be a world class doctors office?