A blank page

It's funny how the blog post screen is not truly white. It's kinda swirly grayish white. I loved clean white crisp paper pages in my journals. I used to write so much when I was younger. I wrote about the stupidest, most moronic things. But they were journal worthy to me! When I'm bored I'll pull out a stack and tumble back through time for a few hours. I had to give a story to everything that happened. I wrote in detail what a boy friend at the time had worn when we went out to dinner. Or what I said when we were driving all over the back roads. It all seemed SO important. I had an urgency to document what was happening to me back then. I don't understand why I had that drive to write so much back then. It was like an itch I couldn't scratch. I remember how my mother would get so mad at me when I had a paper due for school that was a 500 word essay or something and I couldn't ever think of something suitable to write about. But I could spend hours writing in my journal! I would fill up an average size journal in 3 months or less. I thank God, now that I had that drive. Because so many of those details have slipped out of my memory. I don't know if it's just old age or maybe to many bad heart aches that I just block those years out. But now the few memories I have from my teens and early twenties I can only piece together with my journals. I wonder now if maybe that's what will keep happening as I get older? That is why I MUST keep writing. I don't want to forget these days!! Even though Mr. Farmer and I have so much craziness going on in our lives right now I don't want to forget my feelings and the funny little details that happen, they may just might fall through the cracks in my memory bank just like all the rest. Mama Farmer has been back in the hospital all week. She was put back into the Critical Care Unit because she has began losing blood again. I guess the Chemo has made her veins weak inside her liver so they burst easily and she ends up bleeding internally until they can cauterize the veins to stop the bleeding. They did that yesterday. This is the 2nd time they have had to do this in less then a month... The day before she started losing blood. Mama Farmer's brother ended up getting put into the hospital (Critical Care Unit also) because he was filling up with fluid he couldn't hardly breath and felt like he was suffocating... He was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure he only has about 30% good muscle mass (not sure how to explain this) in his heart. Because he has probably been suffering from Congestive heart failure for a LONG time. His kidney's have began shutting down. He really is in such bad shape. The man never took care of his self he is over weight and has smoked at least a pack and a half of cigarettes a day everyday for 35+ years. On top of all that he drinks 2 gallons of coffee a day. The man was just a ticking time bomb. So Mama Farmer and her Baby Brother have been in the Critical Care unit all week right down the hall from each other. Mama Farmer's mother is completely beside herself. She is 80 years old and has been having to face the reality of maybe seeing 2 of her 3 children die before she does... Mama Farmer's brother is married but never had children. He has always treated Mr. Farmer as they son he didn't have. Mr. Farmer it seems is just inside out. I have never thought so much about death as I have over the last year and a half. And I used to work in a nursing home for 4 years and death was almost a daily occurrence there. But to be the primary care giver of a family member who is fighting cancer and let me tell you she is FIGHTING it!!! Death/cancer seems to be crawling through my home, seeping in under the doors and setting down at the table with me when I eat my cereal. It seems to make every thought I have follow it along into the darkness. I'm wore out thinking what next. What do we do when X happens. What about after Y treatment. What will she do if she can't get strong enough for Y treatment?.... Will we my happy posting/journaling days ever come back?... I'm wore out from worry!! I know that we all have trials and tribulations. But how long are they supposed to last? I'm not saying I don't have good days at all anymore but the clouds of the bad days are always hanging in the back ground of my good days. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wish some days that I could go back to the days of those crisp blank white pages when I had so much to share but it really wasn't anything special. When life wasn't so scary and it was an adventure waiting to happen.

Spring Project #1

I figure if I post the pictures and talk about my projects maybe I will get more projects done... In other words you all need to hold me accountable! I have a few in my head but I'm taking baby steps to get them done. This project was a fun little afternoon project. All winter (take that back it's been nine years) I have looked at this bare wall. It has been calling me to decorate it. But it's an outdoor wall on my covered porch. I couldn't think of what I should put there. I refused to do a wreath. Wreaths have been done to death. And I wanted something that was Me!! That was Mrs. Farmer. You know what I mean? That was my fingerprint. Well 2 weeks ago it was nice out and I began cleaning up the yard. You know picking up sticks and just cleaning up all the junk that lands in the yard from the winter wind. And then it hit me. I should do some random wrought iron pieces. Yes that is what I need on this wall!! Now all I had to do was hunt down some cool wrought iron pieces. By the side door on this porch I have s really cool sign that spins on a arm. One side says: "Welcome" and the other side says: "Go Away." How perfect right? I usually keep it on "Go Away" and it makes everyone laugh... But they don't take the hint... Funny how that works. You can actually put a sign up that says leave me the Frick alone and people laugh!! What the heck? Any way I thought I needed to stick with the old metal theme. So I went on the hunt for old cool wrought iron... Actually I didn't even have to hunt for this item. It literally fell in my lap! A friend of mine was cleaning out his yard barn and garage and taking his "Junk" to a sale. He said to dig around in the truck and see if I wanted any of it. And I found my piece!! My diamond in the rough!!

My piece with Pissy Missy

I didn't like the white. I wanted the old rusty black/brown wrought iron look so I knew I would have to paint it. I started with a lot of spray paint

I realize they don't look like the colors you would use. But the gray was like a base coat. Since it would be out in the elements I didn't want it to rust. So I painted it with this special paint then in the order the cans are in. I did each color.

gray base coat/primer type stuff

Then Gold.... This reminds me of a really cheesy casino decoration...

Now it just looks like poo.... Yes you too can own a can of spray paint in the color of POO!!!

This is actually the black with poo brown lightly sprayed on top. I didn't want it to be just black.

The finished project!! Mr. Farmer wasn't as excited as I was. I was so proud of myself... Why can't men get excited about cool decorations that we do ourselves?

The list of Honey do's that I have made for myself are as follows. They are in no particular order:

Paint Shutters.

Re plant our landscaping. I really want to start from scratch and move everything around.

Build a patio onto the back of the house.

Paint 2 bedrooms.

So please keep me on the ball. I have been wanting to do these things for YEARS!!!! And I think 2011 needs to be the year for at least half of them.

Mama Farmer is home now. She is feeling so much better now. They did a minor operation where they clamped the burst veins that were bleeding in her liver.Causing the bleeding. We may have to take her to Indianapolis for another operation. But hopefully that wont be any time soon for her sake... I'm actually posting a happy post for a change! How awesome is this? This week I'm going to share one of my first spring projects. I adore spring and I adore fixing up my old house. So I plan on sharing all my projects with you. Stay tuned.

love!

Mama Farmer Update

Mama Farmer had been doing so good lately. She really had!! At Christmas she wasn't doing to hot. She was getting really run down from the chemo so they said we will hold off on the Chemo as long as your numbers don't go too crazy. So Christmas came and went without Chemo. New Years was good beacause she got her appitite back. The first week of Feburary came and she was getting plump cheeks and even had some color on them!! And she wanted to make a trek to one of her favorite resturants. Which was over an hour away. She was ready to chow down!! So the whole family took a drive on a cold and blustry Saturday night in February. We had a blast. 3 kiddos 6 adults and countless plates of high fat German cooking later we all were giggling and laughing have a great time. She fell asleep in the back seat with me. It was a great night. Valentine's Day popped up and she decorated the house to the hilt. She had hearts on anything that would sit still long enough.... Her poor cat!! Mama F. was doing great. It was just like old times. She even began to ride to the barn and feed her horses with us. She hadn't done that in a long time. Mama F was getting her stride back.
But cancer is a bitch....
She lies in the dark waiting for the most unsuspecting moment to come roaring back to life again. Last week Mr. Farmer came into the living room and Mama F. wasn't feeling quite up to par. She said her arm hurt and itched. She was sleepy and didn't feel like feeding tonight. So he thought maybe she had just been doing too much. Then the next day she stayed home from work and slept all day. Her arm was worse we called the doctor and took her in. They said she had gotten Shingles!!! Just what she needs! When her immune system is already non exsistent now she has to try and fight shingles. She got to feeling really bad last week from them but they uped her meds so she would be able to cope with them better. They cause a lot of pain. So they were really concerned about that. They started to spread. They got on her face and it was hard for her to open her eyes because of the swelling. But then this week they began to shrink and the pain started to subside. She felt good enough to go into work. Yesterday she headed to work made it about an hour and then had to go potty.
Then Cancer played a dirty trick...
She got sick and then started to bleed....

Right now she is sitting in a hospital bed waiting for surgery on her liver....

Why does cancer have to whoop on her like this?...

Why can't Cancer play Fair?

Why can't I have a happy post my first week back to blogging?

I miss writing happy stuff.

Auction

This weekend Mr. Farmer and I went to a farm auction of a local farmer. The word Auction usually sends chills up my spine and reminds me of the old John Mellencamp song Rain on the Scarecrow.
(If you have never heard it or seen the video check it out below. You will get a sense of what a farm auction is like from it.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=joNzRzZhR2Y

Farm Auctions are so heartbreaking... This particular Auction was on a beautiful farm just north of us by about 20 miles. It was a man who had farmed his whole life. He having reached 85 years old had no one to pass his family legacy on to. No one to take on the plow and work the ground like he and his fathers before him had. I watched this poor man with tears in his eyes as the local farmers were going through his equipment, tools, tractors, and trucks. Each one complimenting under their breath at how well the old man had taken care of this or that piece of equipment. It's shocking how something so common place as the family farm is disappearing before our very eyes! I'm sure I have no idea the depth of pain and sorrow he had watching all his hard work for well over 70 years of his life float away on the wind. He had a pristine farm and home. You could tell by the way his barns were kept that he loved his farm and his life here. The barn was well worn from the elements but clean and tidy. His equipment was old but well maintained. I couldn't help but wonder if 50 years down the road if Mr. Farmer and I would be in the same position... Having to sell off everything we have worked so hard for, because there was no one to pass it along to.

Down the Rabbit hole...

Tonight I will be turning out the lights here in public blog land. My heart is aching at having to do this. I really really really don't want to. But my life being in the place that it is in right now, I feel that I must do it. I hope to return to the public soon. But for now I can't be out here. I miss doing ICLW so much. I hate that I haven't posted in so long. My mind rattles with all the clever posts knocking around in my head right now. That is why I'm going private instead of closing my blog down for good. I know I could never ever do that. But privacy being the biggest issue right now I feel that I must batten down the hatches. I love being able to share my journey with anyone and everyone. I will miss that so much. But for now it will be a small posse. And of friends that I know want to be here. Thank you all so much for having read my blog over the years. I love each and everyone of you. And thank you all for following me down the rabbit hole of private blogging. I truly can't believe you all are coming along. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. I promise to share as much as I can once I get settled into the new wonderland that's waiting on the other side.
Love & Hugs to you all!!!



p.s. I will need your e-mail addresses to add to the log. If you and I have e-mailed in the past I should be able to find you. If not I will need your actual email address or you won't be able to log in to the blog. Please msg me with it or post it in the comment section so I can put you down. I'm hoping to turn everything off tonight or tomorrow. Love ya

The Final Countdown

Yes it's coming... The Private Mis-Adventures of a Modern Day Farmer's Wife! Please send me a message so i can add your e-mail address to the log. Im so excited to finally be able to share with you all again. I miss spilling my guts to you. I can't believe Ive waited this long to finally do this. Stay tuned!!!!!

Hello

I've been missing you so much!! I've actually been writing this post a hundred times a day in my head. Ive found myself needing to lock down lately and that is why i haven't posted. I wish i could share everything that's been going on, but i can't. Not yet anyway... I have figured out that I can't keep quite i need to blog. I miss writing! But I can't do it without going private. And i hate having to do this. And i realize that not many if any will follow me into the shelter and comfort of the private world. I can't explain it all now but i promise i will once I've gotten the door shut. Its not as bad as it sounds but i will explain soon. I will just need you all to tell me if you want to follow me into the dark side or not. i plan to shut this old girl down Next Friday night. March 11th. Please come! I wont be able to do this with out you all. love to each and every one of you!!!!!