A blank page

It's funny how the blog post screen is not truly white. It's kinda swirly grayish white. I loved clean white crisp paper pages in my journals. I used to write so much when I was younger. I wrote about the stupidest, most moronic things. But they were journal worthy to me! When I'm bored I'll pull out a stack and tumble back through time for a few hours. I had to give a story to everything that happened. I wrote in detail what a boy friend at the time had worn when we went out to dinner. Or what I said when we were driving all over the back roads. It all seemed SO important. I had an urgency to document what was happening to me back then. I don't understand why I had that drive to write so much back then. It was like an itch I couldn't scratch. I remember how my mother would get so mad at me when I had a paper due for school that was a 500 word essay or something and I couldn't ever think of something suitable to write about. But I could spend hours writing in my journal! I would fill up an average size journal in 3 months or less. I thank God, now that I had that drive. Because so many of those details have slipped out of my memory. I don't know if it's just old age or maybe to many bad heart aches that I just block those years out. But now the few memories I have from my teens and early twenties I can only piece together with my journals. I wonder now if maybe that's what will keep happening as I get older? That is why I MUST keep writing. I don't want to forget these days!! Even though Mr. Farmer and I have so much craziness going on in our lives right now I don't want to forget my feelings and the funny little details that happen, they may just might fall through the cracks in my memory bank just like all the rest. Mama Farmer has been back in the hospital all week. She was put back into the Critical Care Unit because she has began losing blood again. I guess the Chemo has made her veins weak inside her liver so they burst easily and she ends up bleeding internally until they can cauterize the veins to stop the bleeding. They did that yesterday. This is the 2nd time they have had to do this in less then a month... The day before she started losing blood. Mama Farmer's brother ended up getting put into the hospital (Critical Care Unit also) because he was filling up with fluid he couldn't hardly breath and felt like he was suffocating... He was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure he only has about 30% good muscle mass (not sure how to explain this) in his heart. Because he has probably been suffering from Congestive heart failure for a LONG time. His kidney's have began shutting down. He really is in such bad shape. The man never took care of his self he is over weight and has smoked at least a pack and a half of cigarettes a day everyday for 35+ years. On top of all that he drinks 2 gallons of coffee a day. The man was just a ticking time bomb. So Mama Farmer and her Baby Brother have been in the Critical Care unit all week right down the hall from each other. Mama Farmer's mother is completely beside herself. She is 80 years old and has been having to face the reality of maybe seeing 2 of her 3 children die before she does... Mama Farmer's brother is married but never had children. He has always treated Mr. Farmer as they son he didn't have. Mr. Farmer it seems is just inside out. I have never thought so much about death as I have over the last year and a half. And I used to work in a nursing home for 4 years and death was almost a daily occurrence there. But to be the primary care giver of a family member who is fighting cancer and let me tell you she is FIGHTING it!!! Death/cancer seems to be crawling through my home, seeping in under the doors and setting down at the table with me when I eat my cereal. It seems to make every thought I have follow it along into the darkness. I'm wore out thinking what next. What do we do when X happens. What about after Y treatment. What will she do if she can't get strong enough for Y treatment?.... Will we my happy posting/journaling days ever come back?... I'm wore out from worry!! I know that we all have trials and tribulations. But how long are they supposed to last? I'm not saying I don't have good days at all anymore but the clouds of the bad days are always hanging in the back ground of my good days. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wish some days that I could go back to the days of those crisp blank white pages when I had so much to share but it really wasn't anything special. When life wasn't so scary and it was an adventure waiting to happen.

Auction

This weekend Mr. Farmer and I went to a farm auction of a local farmer. The word Auction usually sends chills up my spine and reminds me of the old John Mellencamp song Rain on the Scarecrow.
(If you have never heard it or seen the video check it out below. You will get a sense of what a farm auction is like from it.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=joNzRzZhR2Y

Farm Auctions are so heartbreaking... This particular Auction was on a beautiful farm just north of us by about 20 miles. It was a man who had farmed his whole life. He having reached 85 years old had no one to pass his family legacy on to. No one to take on the plow and work the ground like he and his fathers before him had. I watched this poor man with tears in his eyes as the local farmers were going through his equipment, tools, tractors, and trucks. Each one complimenting under their breath at how well the old man had taken care of this or that piece of equipment. It's shocking how something so common place as the family farm is disappearing before our very eyes! I'm sure I have no idea the depth of pain and sorrow he had watching all his hard work for well over 70 years of his life float away on the wind. He had a pristine farm and home. You could tell by the way his barns were kept that he loved his farm and his life here. The barn was well worn from the elements but clean and tidy. His equipment was old but well maintained. I couldn't help but wonder if 50 years down the road if Mr. Farmer and I would be in the same position... Having to sell off everything we have worked so hard for, because there was no one to pass it along to.

2 year Blogversary!!

Wow where has the time gone? I never thought in a million years back on that September afternoon in 2008 that 2 years from then I would still have empty arms, just waiting for a baby to fill them. Or begging my mother in law to eat every day. Oh and having to know that in the time it has taken my sister to bring 3 children into the world I haven't even brought one in to it.

I'm a little melancholy today. Even though Mama farmer was released from the hospital about an hour ago. We have her snuggled in on the couch. She tells us she is not hungry but she has strict orders to eat every 2 hours. But she is as stubborn as the colt standing in the lot out back. The doctors said it wasn't her gallbladder causing her trouble it was from the lack of nourishment... She is starving herself again. She doesn't want to deal with the nasty side effects of having most of her colon removed so she doesn't want to eat any solid food now. Which has in turn put her in the hospital for almost 5 days filling her body back up with protein, potassium, & calcium, which she has starved her body of. She kept telling us she was eating. But we aren't there with her all day. I want so badly to take a way the pain of cancer and the pain of all the belly issues involved but I can't. I can only watch as she deals with it the only way she thanks she can.... Mr. Farmer and I had a fight last night and I know it was mostly because he is so concerned about his mother. This his fuse is short. They have such a close relationship and this whole thing is killing him. He wants her to see his future children and to look forward to the future with him and our family. My heart is bleeding because of the unkind words we said to each other. Even though I know it's because we are maxed out. We have hit the boiling point and it's effecting our home life!!

CANCER SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm praying that this last time in the hospital will have scared her into changing her ways. She has until Tuesday to keep her levels up at the same if not better then what they were this morning. Please Pray that she does! They won't do anymore chemo until she gets her body into a little bit better shape. Her little body is so frail. He skin hangs like a hobo's rags. She was always a very curvy lady. She was beautiful and vivacious. Loud and unafraid. Now I feel that cancer has seeped into her very soul and robbed it of our dear Mama Farmer. That Evil Bitch: Cancer has used her nasty black tentacles and wrapped them around our hearts and is squeezing... I don't know when she will let us go... Or if she ever will.

Can I go back to 2008? Please...

August

I have been MIA for over a month now. I suddenly got struck with a severe allergic reaction to blogging. Not sure why. But I avoided writing at all costs!! I really can't explain why I get into ruts like this but I do. So before I let a whole month slip away with out blogging I'm going to do a month in review....

The last week of July Mama Farmer was told before she did more chemo she would need to have a round of immunity boosting shoots. So from the 1st of August through the 4th she got shots to help build her immunity. On the 6th she had to have more fluid drained from her abdomen. Poor gal has been having anywhere from 7 to 9 liters drained each week. It's become her Friday afternoon ritual.

On August 10th was our monthly Book Club meeting. Which I was hosting this time around. We ended up having a record amount of attendees. Which was awesome because it was our 1 year anniversary!! It was quite exciting seeing how big we had grown in a years time. The book we discussed was my pick. I was actually a little disappointed. I chose: Eat, Pray, Love By: Elizabeth Gilbert. I chose it mostly because the movie was going to be coming out 3 or 4 days after our meeting. It was a very hard book for me to get through. I was not impressed! I actually liked the movie more then the book. I think that's the first time I have ever been able to say that. But anyway check out the movie it was great. The book club went as a group to a matinee on the following Saturday. It was a blast seeing it together because we all were laughing at the same times and whispering to each other when we thought something would have looked different in the movie. We meet for lunch at a great little downtown cafe. It was a wonderful book club meeting and Saturday lunch date.

August 13th Mama Farmer had to have another 9 liters drained... The doctors are beginning to be more and more concerned with the amount of fluid she is creating. So they have decide to put off doing Chemo till her strength returns and hopefully the liver will cut back on creating so much excess fluid...

The next week was actually pretty uneventful except for my weekly exercise class. Back in July my mama literally begged me to take a Zumba class with her. She is always looking for something for "Us" to do together. So we can bond.... I don't know if you all know this but my mother drives me batty!! But I knew she wouldn't let up unless I just gave in and went with her. So I did and no I have a new obsession!!!! Zumba !!!!! Oh my goodness if you don't know what this is you need to run to your local gym and beg for them to start it!!! I also thought that if I went to this class with my mom I would be able to spend time with her, without "spending" time with her. If you get my drift!! :) I have been working really hard and diet and exercise this past month. I'm going to the gym for Zumba 2 to 3 days a week. I haven't lost any lbs but I know I'm losing serious inches!!! My arms and legs are getting so toned!! I can't believe it!!! And now I don't feel guilty for ever seeing my mother... And we are sooo busy working out she can't say anything snarky!!! I only have to listen to her snarkiness walking into class and walking out! How about them apples?

August 18th and 19th I had my yearly meltdown... The one where I am reminded at how old my ovaries are going to be on the 20th of August. Last year I had a melt down at work when I came back from lunch and my office had a surprise birthday party for me. They had cake, ice cream, balloons, flowers, the works! Yes I know you probably think I'm to young to have birthday melt downs! But I always thought I would have had all my kiddos by now and my hubby and I would just be happy raising toddlers in to happy children... Not trying to deal with the fact that I may never be a parent... So this year I took the dreaded day off so as to avoid any surprises. Side note: Tears and snot don't look very nice on pastel cake icing
I had planned on spending the whole day with my hubby hauling grain and not letting my brain wonder to "the Dark side." But my mother being the wonderful mother that she is. Had other plans!! My mom planned a lunch date for me, mom, dad my aunt (my godmother) Aka Mrs. Fertile Mertyle and 3 of her 11 children. She has never had a multiple these are all singletons!! She is a wonderful mother! She is a stay at home mom. My uncle has a wonderful job. But of all people for my mother to surprise me with this is the woman! I got to spend the one day that is the darkest for me staring back at her with watching my sweet little cousin cuddle in her lap. And knowing if she wanted to she could have one more... Yes these are the woman in my family the ones that say I'm ready for another one... 9 months later they have a beautiful baby bundle in their arms. I am the 2nd oldest grandchild of 42 grandchildren!!! This number does not include any great grand babies! My mom's side of the family is huge and it's so frustrating because every female is fertile but me!!!
So I sit at my surprise birthday luncheon trying to enjoy myself and I do for the most part. But sometimes my heart burns being around the woman on mom's side. Because they are all blissfully ignorant of the pain associated with being reproductively challenged. I thanked her profusely for driving up with the kiddos and and spending time with me on my birthday. This aunt is actually closer in age to me then she is to my mother. When I was younger we were quite close. She was just like an older sister to me and my sister.
By the time I had gotten home I was so emotionally drained. I had wanted to avoid all subjects pertaining to pregnancy, birth, babies, children, etc. on my Birthday and instead I was exposed to lethal does of all the above. I was so blue by the time Hubby came home I didn't want to celebrate anymore! But he wanted to take me shopping for my birthday present. I had it in my head that I was going to get an e-reader. I've been drooling over them for awhile now!! And so we drive the hour down to the biggest town around to look them over. And I talk myself out of all of the ones at bes.t buy because they were CRAPPY!!! And me being the tech savvy that I am didn't realize that the only place they had the k.indle was at Ta.rget!! Am I the only one who didn't know that? So we run over to the Ta.rget. To get my Birthday present and guess what? They didn't have ANY!!! And it will be several weeks before they do be cause the new version has just come out!! Just my Luck!! So not only did I not get to do what I wanted for my birthday, I had to suffer through all the questions I cannot stand and then I didn't even get the present that I wanted!!! All I wanted was a day for ME!! Was that to much to ask for?

After the birthday fiasco I had a somewhat quiet week at work. And then we actually got Mama Farmer talked into a little trip with her 2 besties to the French Lick Spa!! We didn't think we were going to get her to go. She changed her mind a half a dozen times before they actually picked her up. She thought she would get sick while she was there or the food wouldn't agree with her. But nothing bad happened. The food all agreed with her and she had a blast with her girlfriends! They got the works done. (As much as she could participate in considering her health) I tell you though, she looked like a different woman when she came home! She was literally glowing Sunday afternoon! I really think it boosted her morale. We all have tried so hard to help her and to be there for her. We have tried everything in our arsenal to cheer her up and to help her feel better. But I guess there are just some things that only your girlfriends can do...

That my friends if you are still here and made it this far was my month... I hate that I have been so lax in writing. I'm hoping to remedy that! I plan on doing a blog kick in the pants! So stay tuned.

Love & Hugs to you all!!

Playing Catch Up

My heart is not in this post as I have had to RE WRITE IT!! Because Blogger is such a freaking loser! I do apologize.


We survived the 4th. The party went very well. Other then the fact that it was a FURNACE outside. We had a great time! Hubbs bought WAAAAAY to many fireworks and they were so beautiful. I wished I would have taken some pictures. I wanted to kick myself when I realized I never thought about pulling my camera out!! Hubbs and I were sitting on the steps after everyone had left, discussing how great it went, when I remembered. I'm such an idiot. But we had a TON of food! And a crazy amount of relatives! And no cat fights broke out! That's a plus! The in laws all got along great with each other. I haven't had a party with both sides of our family before. So that was interesting. My mom came over the day before the party to help me recover my patio cushions because they looked terrible. I took a couple pics of them. I'm so proud of our work. My mom and I each had a bolt of outdoor fabric gathering dust in our basements. So we did reversible covers. They turned out better then I expected. The Hubbs and I have been wanting to add on to the back of the house with an additional patio/deck with a hot tub and another entry way into the house but we haven't done it yet. And I knew that if I bought a new patio table and chairs now they may not work with the new patio. So we thought we should hold off on buying a new table until we built the new patio. But I'm actually quite impressed at how well they turned out. And how much time my mother and I actually spent in my kitchen together with out killing each other!!! :)

There was also one more little thing I had to get taken care of before the party. Maggie (Large fuzzy Mutt) and Buddy (St. Bernard) our sweet little pupps are Nervous Nellies when it comes to people. They REALLY don't like people on their property!! And my puppies being the size that they are can be quite LOUD and down right scary for guests when they come to our home. So I got the bright idea of calling the vet for something "to take the edge off." My hubbs wasn't too keen on the idea when I brought it up to him several weeks ago. He thought it might hurt our poor little puppies. And I told him it causes them more harm to let them bark all night trying to "defend us" then letting them chill out on some good drugs. But Mr. Farmer never said ok or no. So my being the resourceful wifey that I am I took that as my cue to do what I thought best!!! I went to the vet on Friday morning and picked up the "goods." I was feeling okay about it. I knew I was doing them a favor. I was just going to keep telling myself that. That's how I will get though this. So I toss the pills in the bottom of my purse not really wanting the Hubbs to discover what I'm plotting for our (fur) kids. If he finds them then he will know what I'm going to do, if not then he wasn't "meant" to know about it!! (Yes I know I'm a sick individual) So Saturday comes and goes Sunday morning rolls around Mr. Farmer is getting everything ready. And then the afternoon ticks by and he has to run down and feed the horses , chickens etc. And I know it's NOW or never!! If I don't give them the "Happy Pills" now I won't get a chance to give the pills once he's back. I rummaged through the fridge looking for some meat of some sort. I tabulate the weight (Or really guesstimate it in my head) and divide the pills accordingly. And then the GUILT!! Oh man she slams in the chest! She comes back up again and slaps me in the face! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!! You are drugging your (fur)Kids!! Why would you do such a horrible thing?! And then I tell that ole bitch guilt to F*%k off I have a party to get ready for! I carry they turkey and chill pill sandwich out to my babies whom I love more then anything and they come running to me! They look up at me and cock there pretty little heads at me and sit very still waiting for a "Treat" from there momma. And that Damn Guilt comes around again!! What the Hell am I thinking?! They are so cute!! And defenseless!! Wouldn't everyone in my family love to have Buddy's slobber rubbed on their legs. And his hot stinky breath in their face as he is barking like Cujo at them? And then I shake my head and SAY NO! Nobody likes a barking dog!! NOBODY! Give them the "Happy Sandwich" and deal with it!! At this point I'm about in tears thinking how terrible I am for wanting to drug my dogs just for a party!! But I know their Daddy will be back soon and it's got to be done or we won't have any peace at all tonight! So I slowly hand them there sandwiches and they happily chomp them down and pat me on the leg. And Buddy rubs some drool all over the outside of my leg and as it dribbles down to my flip flop and then I realize I have done the right thing.... Flash forward 2 hours. My sister in Law and her kids arrive And Maggie and Buddy were both laying comfortably on the floor. In fact TOO COMFORTABLY! They didn't even get up and bark when the truck drove in. That is some GOOD SHIT!! In fact Buddy laid under the table and looked like he had just put away 2 gallons of Jack Daniels!! His eyes were so droopy. Holy Cow I've killed my dogs! Maggie was able to get up and walk over to Mr. Farmer but she walked right past him... I'm thinking she must have been seeing double. She found him eventually. Mr. Farmer bent down and asked her if she was feeling bad... She wagged her tail slowly and he said maybe it's the heat!! Of course it was the heat! They are very furry babies and it's 100 degrees out. Yes it's the heat!!! It only took us 5 minutes to get them to walk 20 feet. We put them in their pen and they slept peacefully all evening. The guilt had jumped on to my back and I carried her around all night. My dad actually came up and asked me what was wrong with the dogs and I had to tell him the truth. And he laughed and said I think you gave Bud a little too much!! Then I laughed. And he told me it was better for them to sleep then to be so stressed out. It made me feel a little better to hear my dad tell me that. But I knew Mr. Farmer was worrying about the kids and I had to tell him. So before the fireworks began I told him. He wasn't mad he actually said he thought it was better for Maggs this way cause she gets soooo worked up. But oh jee whiz was it funny watching "drunk" dogs stumbling around.

Overall the party went well considering the merging of the clans and the drugging of the canines. We have had plenty of parties in the past just for one side or the other. Not both together! We had quite a few bodies at her house and a couple of little hooligans running wild. My sister in law (the one who "planned" our party) has 3 kiddos, a 13 year old girl and 2 boys aged 9 and 6. The boys can really make a party interesting! :) They behaved pretty well through dinner. But once they found the Mt Dew, they were wired for sound. These boys are actually pretty funny, but can wear you ragged pretty quickly! So the whole fam damily were sitting out back waiting for the sun to set when the boys began setting off bottle rockets, snakes, and stink bombs. (All under parental supervision of course) But being the stinky, sugar crazed, dirty faced boys they are. They were screaming and hollering and just being down right annoying while they were setting off the noise makers. My mother and father I think were a little shocked by all the ruckus and the lack of control on my sister in law's part (but that isn't my place or anyone else to say anything:) My parents were really strict growing up. In fact we never would have behaved like that at home, much less at my aunt or uncle's home. Because there would have been consequences for us once we got home and they weren't going to be good if you know what I mean. But while all the adults were watching the boys and talking in a group in our lawn chairs. My mom leans over and says: "Are they the reason you haven't had kids yet?" Granted it is a funny comment when you think about how badly behaved these kiddos were. But it still stung after she had said it. Because if my own mother thinks that I'm scared of having uncontrollable children and that's the reason I'm not procreating with my husband. Then I'm sure the whole family thinks the same thing also!

But I'm not going to focus on her comment. Because when I do it stings even more and I don't want to keep opening it up. Cause it hurts. GEE THANKS MOM!!!!

But yes that was the 4th of July in a nutshell!! Sorry it took so long to post. I have even more to catch you all up on.
Love & Hugs!!!

4th of July

What are your plans for the 4th? I hear this question everyday for a week or 2 before the actual holiday. Usually Mr. Farmer and I like to lay low when it comes to holidays we don't commit. We like to be free agents so we can flutter from party to party and then hit the road early so we can go home and :::GASP::: cuddle and watch TV!! Yes Mr. Farmer and I are home bodies. We love to stay home and snuggle with the cat on the couch eating ice cream and catching up on our DVR. So we kind of thought we would be doing the same thing this year... Mama Farmer has always had the 4th of July party at her house and we could go down and eat and set the fireworks off for the kiddos and then bail. But this year my Sister In Law had told us that she would be having the 4th of July party at her house. Because Mama Farmer just can't mess with it this year Sister Farmer said she would do it... Great!! Mr. Farmer and I can make an appearance and hang out with the kiddos and then bail out and get a good nights sleep :::WINK WINK::: Well yesterday afternoon Sister Farmer calls Mr. Farmer with a grocery list of excuses why she can't have the 4th at her house!! And since Mama can't have it then that means we GET TO HOST IT!!! How great!! But the icing on the cake was this whole time she has been inviting everyone and their brother's cousin's, step brother's, mother in law to the party... And telling them it will be at: Mr. & Mrs. Farmer's house!!!! So hell now I have to scramble around and get everything in order for the whole neighborhood + cousins, in laws and out laws. While I'm working everyday this week!! BUT get this: Sister Farmer works for the local school corp. So she is out of school for the summer! And she could be getting her place ready for the party but one of her excuses was she wouldn't be able to because she has to work at the local fair on Saturday for 4 hours... What the Hell?!!! I'm just a tad overwhelmed now! I do LOVE having parties! And the 4th of July is one of my very favorite holidays but I don't like having to rush at the last minute getting food together pulling out decor etc because someone dumped their party on me!! Am I being a little whiny? Do I have a right to be upset with My Sister in Law? I just feel dumped on!! Like I said I do love having people over and I love the 4th! But the plan was that she was going to have the party NOT us!!! Oh and let me add one more insult to injury: I have to work Monday!!! So not only will I have half of our neighbors in my yard/barn and house till all hours I will have to drag my ass out the door to work early in the morning!! Not FAIR!!!!

Dad

You know the old saying: "You don't know what you've got till it's gone." Well this saying has been etched into my heart since Wednesday morning...

I almost lost this man! This man is my Daddy. He gave me my sense of humor. My ability to laugh at life and to roll with the punches. And to never back down from something you believe in.

This man is such an amazing soul! I wish you all could meet my dad.

My dad was in a terrible accident on Wednesday morning. He works for the railroad. And his crew's truck was hit by a train. There are so many lies being spread around on the Internet, and the news about what happened. They were not parked on the railroad tracks and believe or not his crew has had almost 3 years accident free status. The driver came to a crossing where the train tracks were curved. So the first time he looked the train was not there and by the 2nd time he looked he was already half way across. The driver slammed on the accelerator and saved there lives. Had he hesitated that split second I would have not had my dad here to celebrate Father's Day. The train still hit the truck but the damage was not as severe as it could have been had the train hit the middle of the truck instead of the tail end. 1 of the guys was med a vaced and the the driver was hurt pretty bad also. But thankfully they are all alive and moving around. My dad is out of the hospital now. This has been the most emotional Father's Day weekend of my entire life!! My family is not verbally expressive when it comes to matters of the heart. So I wrote my dad a letter for Father's Day. I actually think there were tears in his eyes when he read it. I wanted him to know what he meant to me and I apologized for all the years I wasn't the easiest person to be around (ie., From 12 to 21:) But mostly I wanted him to know I needed him and couldn't imagine going through a Father's Day without him. I'm glad I got to give him that letter instead of wishing I would have told him all that while he was still here. We have all had a scare this week and to tell you the truth I'm almost glad we got shook up. I think we need to be scared sometimes to realize how short our lives really are. In the blink of an eye my dad could have never come home.

Baby Chicks

As promised I'm sharing some more farm animals today... I guess probably because these are the only creatures I get to spend time with... I talk to them pet them and sometimes if there good they get a squeeze!!! First are some baby chicks. Mama Farmer works for our local School District and she is good friends with the first grade teacher. And every year the teacher comes out to Mama Farmer's farm to get eggs to hatch for her class. The class learn about incubation and eggs, chickens and the whole nine yards and then when the baby's hatch they get sent back to Mama Farmer to raise. It's a fun time for the kiddos. The kids actually remember her years later when they see her in town and they ask about the chickens its pretty cute. This time around we had she had about 26 or so hatch and now we have a little coop of baby chicks to stare out each night. They are so cute when they first hatch.... And then they get to the awkward half chick/half chicken stage which is just scary!!!

See how cute they are here?


But now they are starting to lose the cute fuzz


And now!! They have hit puberty!!


It's just a matter of weeks from the time they are hatched till they start getting feathers. I hate it! I wish they would stay cute and fuzzy forever... But then I wouldn't get eggs... So I guess it's a good trade off.


See this little gal looks like she is going to be a loud one!! I can't wait.

And now for the horses:

Maverick And Misty

About a week ago we had a scary situation with Maverick. He's getting older and he has been losing a lot of weight. He's almost 26 years old. And he got down and wasn't wanting to eat. It scared us half to death. But the vet got him all fixed up and eating again but it wasn't a good week in the Farmer family Households!!! Maverick is Mama Farmer's Baby and she hasn't been doing to well her self and if we would have lost Maverick I don't know what she would have done!! She probably would have lost it. I know that some people wouldn't quite be able to understand that. But he has been a part of this family for a LOOOOONG time he IS a child to her. And I can't imagine what that would do to her. I just pray he doesn't decide to leave us anytime soon. Mama Farmer is still needing prayers though!! Keep them rolling her way please! She just can't seem to get a break. Although this coming Wednesday will be her LAST Chemo!! But the Chemo has just been whooping her teeny tiny behind. She has lost sooo much weight she doesn't even look like the women she was 5 months ago. Cancer has been so hard on this family!! I wish I could take it from her but I can't so we all do what we can. But it's so hard to watch this wonderful woman be eaten alive by a monster no one can see.

What If...

What if I can't give my husband an heir... I know this isn't Mid-evil times. This is not the year 1510!! Why? Do you ask, am I'm acting like it is? Let me explain my madness...

My husband is a farmer. And as such, farm families pass the ground & business on to the next generation. My husband is the last in his family, his father had 2 brothers none of whom had sons so the farm passes to my husband. Mr. Farmer is the last of 5+ generations farming and living on this ground. And he has no one to pass this on to. His ground has been in his family for hundreds of years. I know it has come up between his mother and father about what is going to happen to "The Farm" when they die. What will happen to the ground they poured their very blood, sweat and tears into?

What if I can't give a child to my husband?

This thought keeps me up at night. I'm the first wife in this long line of Farmer women who could not produce an heir... If this was the year 1510 I could be beheaded for not producing an heir!! I realize my husband is not that shallow as to leave me for some one who could produce a child. But I want more then anything to give him the sons/daughters he deserves.

What if... We turn 70 and we have no children? We will end up having to sell his family's heritage, and history instead of having someone to pass that legacy on to...

What if... We never have a biological child but we get the opportunity to adopt and can create a new legacy!! And his name will still have chance to live on? I hope that no matter what we will have a child, whether it is born through my body or through my heart. I will give him a child!!

Please go over to Mels blog and read other IFs.

www.resolve.org/infertility101

www.resolve.org/takecharge

The In Law's

Since the hubster has been farming till late in the evenings. I have been having to feed the "In Laws" that live in Mama Farmer's barn. They are all quite comical so I thought I would share a few pictures from Mama Farmer's farm.

Today I'm just going to introduce you to the horses. Mama Farmer really does treat these 3 like they are her babies. So I guess Mr. Farmer has 2 "little" brothers and 1 "little" sister... Mama farmer has a heart bigger then the state of Indiana. These horses all had no where else to go. Misty and her daddy Easy came into the family last year. They were half starved, abused and sick. Misty's mother actually died from starvation at the hands of their previous owner. It was terrible!!! Misty hasn't been broken yet. Mama farmer had planned on doing that this summer before we found out about the "Big C" so we might bring in a trainer and take care of breaking her for Mama Farmer. But anyway this is another branch of the family...

p.s. Please forgive the weird shots they are not used to a camera!! Easy didn't like it and Misty and Maverick were really interested in it.

This handsome snout belongs to Maverick. He is Mama Farmer's biggest and oldest Baby! He is actually a Mustang that she adopted through the government 20+ years ago.

The government actually tattoos the mustangs and you can still see it right below his mane. It's the white markings there. I think it says U.S. and a number. He is pretty old so it's not very legible.

And this little turkey is Misty. She is the youngest of the 3 horses. She is just over a year old. She is ornery as hell!! Misty has a good little heart even though she is demanding and quite the Diva!! I guess it doesn't help that she is the only female out of the 3 either.

Misty and Maverick's hind end.

MMMMmmmm Dinner!!!

This is Misty's Papa Easy. Don't be fooled by the name he is NOT easy going at all!! Although he is a stud... So he may be EASY in that department... I just don't know. Maybe one day I can get a nice picture of him up close and personal... He doesn't like the camera.

And this I threw in just for Shits and Giggles!!!

THE END!!!

Farming has begun!

It's spring time here in Indiana and it's beautiful! This gorgeous weather is just what we need. Mr. Farmer is working late every evening and I'm catching up on my ridiculously, cheesy chick flicks. Reading my book from book club and soaking in the tub. I have to tell you I'm learning to enjoy my alone time... It only took 7 years together to get to this point. My mama in law has always enjoyed her quiet nights alone during the seasons. I'm still missing our snuggle time. But soon very soon he will be back home early and we will be watching, Shoot um ups, car racing and blood & gore movies and I will be back snuggling and reading my chick lit...

Mr. Farmer and the farm hands have gotten most of the ground worked. Which in layman's terms means it's been cut into to get the air to it and to chop up all the weeds. Some times we work the ground twice depending on the type of crop that was on it the year before. Hubby won't be planting for at least another week he has just been getting the ground prepared for the seed/seedlings. The following pictures are of one of the fields we will be putting watermelons out in.

The tractor on the right is actually a spreader. It is going to spread a pellet type fertilizer on the plowed ground to get it ready for the watermelon seedlings

It just looks like a bunch of dust but it's actually spraying little pellets out of the booms (the wing looking things)

The fact that it hasn't rained in over a week isn't helping either.

This is Farmer Kid (a friend of Mr. Farmer. He idolizes Mr. F it is so cute!!!) laying rows of plastic he actually rides on this piece of equipment and at the end of each row he hops off and cuts the plastic with a shovel. And throws dirt over the end so it won't blow up from the wind.

Farmer kid riding and drinking... I'm not going to say what it is that he is drinking but I'm sure you can imagine. (Farmer Kid is 21 almost 22)

There are 2 disc type things that throw the dirt on the edge of the plastic to bury it and then the tractor pulls the whole contraption to the end. It's a pretty cool process

This is the front of my 4 wheeler... My house is there yonder.... Yeah I don't really say Yonder
I just thought I would throw that in there. In about a week there will be another funny looking contraption come through and poke a hole every few feet through the plastic. And then a farm hand will set a little watermelon seedling inside. I can't wait to get some pics of that. It's pretty cool operation.

And this... This is a Man who is Outstanding in His Field!!!...

Oh my gosh I just crack myself up!!! I have been meaning to do that for awhile. But I can't ever get Mr. Farmer to co-operate so you get a crappy long distance shot of Mr. Farmer. One day I will have a better one for this title.

Thank You Mrs. Ashley!!

This post is kind of a Thank you note and a PSA all wrapped up in one!

The other day I was writing about maybe looking into a fertility treatment that was a little less invasive then the injectables, with constant monitoring. Where my hubby and I, are at right now in our lives with his mama being sick and having to take care of 2 farms and 2 households full time. It's just to hectic to even begin to think about adding a new cycle into the mix right now. Especially since we are full swing in Planting season. So I thought about seeing another doctor and see what he had to say. But I have to say I chickened out!! I'm just not ready to go into all that again. I think I'm just remembering the hour drive to the dr every morning being hopeful and then the hour back to work crying. Then my whole day being jacked up cause I was chock full of hormones and a ball of nerves waiting to hear back about the results. I guess I'm just too freaking sensitive!!! So I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. But I didn't want to keep wasting time!!

But then Mrs. Ashley over at Infertile Myrtle http://ifashley.blogspot.com/ stopped in and told me about FertilAid and how it helped her ovulate!!! I secretly don't think I have ever ovulated! So I was intrigued! I went to the website: http://www.fairhavenhealth.com/ and there are literally tons of reviews from woman who have PCOS or who were regular but not ovulating. And who after having used it and it they began to ovulate and even become regular! I'm not so much buying it to get pregnant all though that would be awesome!! I would just love to be able to start cycling like a "NORMAL" woman! I have NEVER EVER been regular. I would really like to be able to work with my body to get it on some kind of routine. Right after I read the reviews I thought what the hell! it's not expensive and if I could get my body to give me a period just once with out prometruim it would pay for it self in my opinion! So I ordered a bottle of the supplement and bag of the FertiliTea and a Fertility Candle... Yes Total Cheese I know!! But I'm a sucker for candles and I was on a mission!! Oh and they had free shipping!! So I stocked up!! I was on the site for a long time just reading everything I could.They make formulas for guys and gals! Although we won't be needing the guy formula. It actually just sounds like a SUPER DUPER Vitamin! Here are the facts:

FertiliTea Organic and Wildcrafted Herbal Ingredients:
• Chasteberry (vitex) - stimulates the hormones involved with ovulation and helps restore female hormonal balance. It is used as an herbal treatment for infertility and is especially helpful for women with irregular cycles, failure to ovulate, or a short luteal phase.
• Red raspberry leaf - highly regarded for its ability to tone the uterus and muscles of the pelvic region. A highly nutritive ingredient, red raspberry is a powerful fertility-promoting herb, especially when used in combination with peppermint.
• Green tea - a powerful antioxidant that enhances reproductive health by repairing the oxidative damage that occurs naturally as the result of environmental toxins and aging. Much has been written about the positive correlation between green tea and fertility.
• Ladies mantle - a “tonic” herb that is useful in regulating a woman’s monthly cycle. It also exerts a toning effect on the cervix.
• Nettle leaf – contains a wide spectrum of vitamins and minerals that are critical to good reproductive health, including Vitamins A, C, D, K, potassium, phosphorous, iron, and sulfur; also contains calcium, key for conception and maintaining pregnancy.
• Peppermint leaf – gives FertiliTea a delicious flavor and has the added benefit of serving as a sexual stimulant.

Well for everything I ordered it wasn't expensive at all. And free shipping to boot! So if your wanting to try something different check it out! My order said it had shipped out to day too! So that was nice to know that they work quickly! So now I'm beginning to feel like I'm actually being proactive instead of just waiting... Oh and stop by Infertile Myrtle and give her some Love!!!

Thank You Ashley for being so sweet and sharing that info with me I really appreciate it!! And also to the gals who shared links to other bloggers! I have been checking them all out! Thanks again!!!

Oh and I apologize for my lack of skills on making the links Blog "correct" I couldn't for the life of me get the damn thing to work so I gave up!! I'm soo sorry maybe I will one day figure out the art of making a correct clickable link!!

Love & Hugs

Just call me Oscar...

The Grouch that is!! I don't know what my problem is? The last week or so I have just been terribly grouchy... Poor Mr. Farmer!! I wish I knew when My Auntie would show her ugly face! Having PCOS sucks donkey balls!! I can't ever blame my bad moods or crying jags on PMS. Because I never have a freaking period!!! Now I can feel myself getting grouchier as I type this all out! I apologize for that. But my goodness What the hell is wrong with me?

Oh and Sunday was freaking fantastic!!! Mr. Farmer's Uncle asked if we had anything we would like to announce... I said like what? (Knowing full well what he meant!) And Mr. Farmer said yes I've got something to announce: We are heading home! Ha -Ha Ha-Ha! Then Uncle Farmer said NO!! I mean when are we going to hear an announcement about you 2 FINALLY having a baby? We need another baby in this family!! I'm beginning to think you all don't know how to do it!! Maybe we need to have some classes!!! Then Mr. Farmer's grandmother jumped up on the bandwagon. She starts saying how I've got to be the one to have the twins in the family! Because every generation has a set of twins... I didn't have the patience or the guts to explain to Mr. Farmer's Grandmother that Mr. Farmer's family twin gene won't get passed on though him... So after about 10 minutes of crude jokes about learning how to "do it" we made it out of there. The sides of my cheeks are still hurting from having to bite them so hard to keep from speaking my mind!! That I guess may be part of the reason why I'm still grouchy! Why do nosy family members feel the need to throw it in your face that you have yet to produce an "heir?"

Oh lord I'm so thankful that the holidays are over for now. I hope everyone had a peaceful and restful Holiday. Easter was so beautiful this year!!! (The Weather not the family gatherings!!:)

I think I'm gearing myself up for trying a different route of Infertility treatment. I'm not sure though if it will help a woman with PCOS. I have heard about this amazing OB/GYN in town not too far from where we live. I will give you all a link and see if you can fill me in.

I was raised Catholic in a VERY Religious family. But as of late I have become a lapsed Catholic... I have had a hard time with the teachings of The Church on Infertility treatments. My mother's entire family is VERY fertile so they practice The Creighton Method for family planning.

So today I was so down in the dumps and blue about not being able to do another cycle until our family life clams down. I find myself searching on Google and low and behold I found catholicinfertility.org

I'm not sure what made me follow that site to this link:
Fertilitycare.org

I thought it was all very interesting. But what do you think? I have to say I am interested in at least speaking to a Dr. who deals with the NaProTECHNOLOGY. But do you think that it's all it's cracked up to be? Or is it just another smoke and mirror ploy? I don't know if I want to start all over again with a new doctor and a new office. But I will admit I'm having some mixed emotions about going the IVF route. It's not because of growing up Catholic. I think I'm just worried about the tremendous amount of stress, money and emotion going into it. But I feel comfortable with IUI's those don't seem as foreboding to me for some strange reason. But there isn't hardly anything on the above site about PCOS so I guess I would really need to get more info before I proceed. But do you all think I'm wasting my time trying another venture? Or should I just stick with the tried and true?

Getting to know me

You know I didn’t realize until today that I have never really told you all too much about myself. As far as where I came from and what I did before I began blogging. So here is some background info.

I’m 27 years old. I work as a wholesale salesperson/Administrative Assistant in a very large wholesale tire company. I have been here for 7 years. I work in a predominantly male work environment. Which is awesome the majority of the time! I use to work at a hospital on in Alzheimer’s Unit as a CPCT. I love that job! I worked there for over 3 years. I lived with my Grandmother while I worked there. It was a fun time in my life. But I broke my foot and had to quit. So I got this job and moved back to my hometown.

I have been with my hubby for over 8 years we were set up on a blind date and the rest is history I guess. We just clicked! It was awesome. We had both come out of some rocky relationships. A friend of mine knew his mother and talked to her about me. So she set a time up so she and I could meet one day. So I actually met his Mama Farmer before I actually met him. It was so funny and cute.

We live on a farm, were we grow mostly grains, such as soybeans, corn and wheat. Occasionally sunflowers too which is just about the most amazing site on creation!!! I hope heaven is just like a 1,000-acre field of sunflowers. I will send you pictures if he puts some out this year. I have been in love with farming since I was a little girl. That was all I wanted in life was to grow up and marry my grandpa or my uncles. Which ended up being quite a dreadful blow when I found out I couldn’t actually do that!!! So I just settled with the next best thing: spending every moment I could at my grandfather’s house helping him and taking care of him after my grandmother passed away.

I was home-schooled (please don’t hold that against me) through most of my school years. From Middle School on. I hated it to begin with and then I got used to it. By the time I was in High School I liked it enough I guess. Because I could take my schoolwork over to my grandfathers and hang out with him. As the years went on I really wanted to pursue the nursing field because my grandfather had gotten cancer and being with him so much I ended up becoming his nurse and I loved it. After he died. I then worked on becoming a C.N.A at a local nursing home and from there I found a great job at St. Mary’s a very large hospital in Evansville and worked there for close to 3 years. While I was living there a friend introduced me to Mr. Farmer as I said above. But then I broke my foot and so I moved home and took a job where I didn’t have to work weekends or holidays and I was closer to Mr. Farmer. So that was a nice little perk. Mr. Farmer and I got married in 2006 and we live on his families farm. He is a 6th generation farmer. The farm has passed from son to son for 6 generations and I know he hopes to be able to do the same one day.

I have one older sister who is 33 and is the mother of 4 children, 3 boys and a little girl. She married a man she went to college with. And they live in Rhode Island. He is getting ready to start a doctorate program at Princeton University. So they will be moving at some point this summer. My brother is 24 he is an Aviation Ordnance men in the Navy. His home base is on the Island of Oahu, in Hawaii. He has just Re-upped for 3 more years. And is looking forward to going to Afghanistan for a year training the Afghan police force.

My Hubby is 34 years old he works full time as a Farmer he also hauls grain for local companies. Which tends to keeps him pretty busy through the winter and early spring. He has 1 older sister who is married and has 3 children and she lives quite close so we get to have the kids a lot. My husband and I are each other’s best friends pretty much. We do just about everything together. We can talk about everything together. I love that about our relationship.

We have slowly been building our businesses. Trucking and farming. We recently just built a new barn at our home. Our other outbuildings are all near his parents or down the lane from our home and we wanted one close to our home. So we finished that last Christmas. And now he has his eye on a new tractor!!! Of course his excuse always is that we will need a BIG tax write off!! So now he needs one for 2010 since we already used the barn for 2008 and 2009. God Love him. I swear I never learned so much about money/taxes and business as I did the 1st few months of being married.

My parents are still married to each other. They live about 10 minutes away from us on my father's family farm that has been in his family since the revolutionary war. My dad works for a Railroading company. He never liked farming so My hubby farms his ground for him. My mother just got her 1st job last year. She works part time at a local hard ware store. (Which in my humble opinion is: absolutely hysterical!!!) The woman never worked a day in her life outside of staying home with us. And it’s the funniest thing hearing about her working. She got a job because she was lonely. My dad works out of town a lot and they live way out in the sticks. So with my brother being gone now I guess she wanted some human interaction. Which like I said when you hear her stories it’s like she has never had contact with the outside world before… My mother is probably my biggest annoyance in this life!! I LOVE my dad but my mother is just an entirely different story. Needless to say I don’t talk about TTC with her cause every body in my home town and the neighboring counties would know if I told her.


Now I challenge you all to do the same!! Instead, of us writing the posts floating around with the random questions. I just want you to tell me about where you came from! How you got to where you are today I want to get to know you all, minus the infertility, charting, family problems, and all the fantastic doctor’s Appointments…

My goodness time has really gotten away from me again!! I'm soo sorry. We are still taking care of 2 households. And it's gotten a tad bit harder because now it's spring and Hubby is having to start working ground (1st step in getting the ground ready to plant grain). My Mama In law is still being hard headed!! Although we have gotten her to eat some ice cream along with the Ensure/Boost! And she has gained 2 pounds!!! So maybe we can cut the daily tongue lashings back a little. But she is still is depressed. Her Oncologist seems to think it's from her being upset about the fact that she got cancer in the 1st place. I don't know if I can agree with that. But I see his point. He thinks that since she has been healthy her whole entire life. And the only time she has ever spent in the hospital was after the birth of her children. And now she here she has been in and out of the hospital for over 2 months and barely able to function for over 4 months. So I guess maybe he might know something. But I just can't understand why she is depressed now! When the worst is behind her....

Other then the drama with the mama we are treading water. Hubby and I are doing great. My treatments for infertility are still hanging out on the back burner. I just feel to maxed out emotionally to have to try and deal with that too. But the want for a child waxes and wanes. Some days I think that maybe it's better this way. Just being the 2 of us. We can come and go when we want and stay out late and not have to worry about a baby sitter. Or even go backroading in the mustang at 10 o'clock at night and not have a baby to get home to. But then I think that maybe we only do those things because we don't have a baby to care for. That we fill up our free time with all that extra. And then I think about how much it hurts to know that if I keep going along making excuses as to why I'm not doing treatments I will wake up one day and it will be too late to do them. I ache for a child to hold in my arms. But it scares me to think that I might lose what Mr. Farmer and I have right now. We are soo happy right now.

I'm freely going to admit that I'm scared to death to get pregnant!!

But I'm scared to death I won't get pregnant!!

Now what sense does that make? Yes I know I don't make sense but I just thought I would throw it out there and expose myself for what I am... A Big fat Infertile Chicken!!

I have been having so many mixed emotions lately about getting KU and I don't really know how to deal with them or much less how to express them. So I'm dumping them all on you!!!

Next thing on the agenda: I think I'm going to have to ask for some Ass-vice on something. It's been waying pretty heavy on my mind. And to be quite honest it sprung out of no where. So Maybe over the next week I will have to lay on my sofa and ask Dr. Bloggy (You all!) to help me figure out the best course of action or maybe you all will tell me to not do anything... So stay tuned!! And if you don't hear from me about this issue then you better beat my blog door down or something!! Cause it's a doozie!

Oh and one more thing I forgot to tell you. The night my book club was set to discuss The Red Tent, my Mama in Law went back into the hospital! So I didn't have to go and deal with all the mama's in the Book club talking about the book and what it meant to them. (ie their birth stories etc.) I know once it got to my turn to tell them how I felt it would have totally gotten awkward so Thank the Lord I had a good excuse not to go this time around.... Although I do hate that Mama Farmer had to go back to the hospital.

**Dear Lord forgive me for thinking that Mama Farmer going into the hospital was a blessing for me!!!**

Well stay tuned for my sofa session cause I'm going to really need some help on this issue!

Frustration

We had a little glimmer of hope this past week. It was nice, Mama Farmer was doing better. The weather warmed up. We started looking forward to the Spring. Hubbs and I got to get away for the weekend. It was for my job. We were put up in a nice hotel and were given food and booze until we could barely walk back to our room. Mama Farmer wanted to celebrate her children's b-day's: My Hubby and his his Older sister were born 6 years and a day apart. So we all cooked out at The Farmer Family Home place. It was great! Mama farmer was actually laughing and smiling. She ate (which has been VERY hard to get her to do) and we all had a great time. Then today that glimmer just vanished! The home health nurse found Mama farmer's incisions were beginning to ooze and she had a fever... The nurse had to move her back to the hospital. The doctor is wanting her there for observation. It's like we were peddling a bike up the side of a mountain, we were just about to make the summit... And Wham-O we ended up sliding halfway back down the.

I don't know what to do or what to say to her anymore. She has been told a thousand times she won't heal, if she doesn't eat. But she thinks drinking one little bottle of Ensure a day is good enough. And we can't seem to get through to her. I know my hubby is at his wit's end right now. I just want to scream at her that the worst is over!!! She shouldn't be getting depressed now. She has a better prognosis now then she had back in October. When they were telling her the Cancer was in-operable. But now that she has the worst of the Cancer removed she just is so depressed and it's like fighting with a child to make her eat. I don't know what to do.

Please keep My Hubby and his Mother in your thoughts and prayers.

The Red Tent

As some of you may know I'm in a local book club. I haven't shared much lately cause it has been quiet uneventful. Just great reading!! My book club is compromised of mostly married women with children. The women range in age of 25 to 55. And not a one of them are infertile. They are all happy women who enjoy their children, life and their husbands. This has been perfectly fine for the past several months. I have enjoyed every month and looked forward to our next meeting and the next book. But today this new book hit me like a ton of well, "books." This new read thus far has been beautifully written. It's described from Dinah's point of view, of how she sees the women in her family. Dinah was a woman from the bible. She is the daughter of Jacob and Leah. She wasn't mentioned to much in the bible. Anita Diamant introduces you to her father, four mothers, and twelve brothers. The story seems to take place mostly in "The Red Tent." which is where the women during the dark of the moon. (aka Aunt Flow comes to town) All the women who happen to be sisters have always wanted a daughter to pass their stories down to. Because they can't pass their stories to the sons. The only woman in the family who has a daughter is Leah. So all the sisters pass their stories to Dinah during their mensuration when they are all together in "The Red Tent." So today I'm eating my lunch and reading my book in our local park. And like most Christian women I remember Rachel's struggle to get pregnant and her crying out to God. But I hadn't really thought too much about her lately. Especially when I have been trying to avoid all things fertile or infertile. Then while I'm eating my leftover, homemade goulash. I read where Bilhah, Rachel's younger sister comes to her after watching Rachel struggle with the grief and pain and trying everything in her power to become pregnant. Rachel drank potions from the local mid wife. She slept against trees, laid in rivers, ate snake meat and mandrake. Hoping that something would stir her body to create a life. And Bilhah couldn't watch her laying depression on her mat any longer so she offered her body to her sister. Saying I give you my womb and my breasts for your child. I sat there in my truck trying to swallow the lump that had immediately grown so large in my throat. I could hardly breath. And then those damn tears bursted out of the corners of my eyes. I got broadsided! I had never experienced a love like that from another woman. Or even for another women. It took my breath away to think that this poor little sister just wanted her older sister to be a mother so bad that she offered her body for her. It gives me chills thinking about it now as I type this out.

Had I read the reviews about the book I might have sensed that this book may have infertile undertones... Or maybe some flat out water works inducing pages. And then I probably wouldn't have wanted to read it. But as per usual I try not to find out anything about the upcoming book. Just so I won't have pre-conceived leanings about it.

Now I'm not telling you to not read this book. I will give my official view of this book once I'm done with it. But I'm sure it will be quite interesting.

So now here I am having to deal with my infertility all over again. I never told you all that we had to take a forced break (longer then what we had planned) because our extended family life just fell all to hell around us. This past weekend was the first time we hadn't been to the hospital every day in over 3 weeks. Life had just been to stressful to add fertility treatments into the mix. My plan was just not talk about it, don't think about it, and definitely not deal with it. But the more I would try to not think about it. The more I found myself thinking about it. We would find our self walking behind the most perfect little toddler walking hand in hand with his parents. Looking over his shoulder at us. WHY ME? I would ask. But the voice in the sky wouldn't answer me back.

My Mother in Law, Aka: Mama Farmer. Took a turn for the worst and it was bad for a couple weeks and right now it's still not fantastic but she is doing better. The day we almost lost her 2 weeks ago. I was watching her cancer ravaged body laying in the big white bed and the nurses were flying all around her rushing to get her poor little body stable enough to take her down stairs for emergency surgery. I saw the sheer terror in her eyes. Watching and almost recording her children's faces in her memory. I know why she was doing it. And I felt like I was inside out. Almost Like I wasn't a real woman. I couldn't shake the thought that I may not have anyone to pass my stories on to about my family...

100 posts!!!!

I'm happy to tell you all that I hit 100 posts today!! And I get to share some great news that my Mama In law is doing wonderful! Thank you all for praying for her! Considering what she has just been through and the size of the tumor that got removed (the size of an orange or roughly 3in around.) She has been such a trooper! She was smiling last night and we had her laughing too!! She is beginning to get some color back in her cheeks! So that is awesome news in my book!! Mr. Farmer is actually starting to sleep through the night again. He hasn't slept good in over 2 weeks. She still has a long road ahead of her. She has cancer on the lymph nodes around her liver which is inoperable but it can be treated with chemo. But she can't start treatments for that until she heals from this surgery. So I'm going to ask you all again for your prayers for my Mama in Law. She needs to heal quickly and the cancer needs to not grow anymore! And then we can start treatments in another month or so.

I'm so glad that this was my 100th post!!! I never in a million years would have thought that my 100th post would have been about my Mama in Law having surgery to remove cancer. I'm amazed at how this blog has evolved. I'm proud of it! I see this blog as some what of an infant. My baby. My Cyber baby. I'm glad I could share all of this with you. Thank you all for reading!!!

Surgery

The Blue Star of Hope


Tomorrow is Mama Farmer's Surgery. This is the surgery they told us she wouldn't be able to have because her tumor was too large... well she showed them!! Mama Farmer's tumor has shrunk tremendously! The doctors are all amazed at how much this tumor has changed in the last 4 months. It really doesn't seem possible that we have made the 4 month mark. They weren't giving us a whole lot of hope 4 months ago and now we have her tucked away in her little room in the hospital drinking liquids and being pumped up with IV's for her big day!!

I can't say we aren't worried. We are very concerned about her. My mother in law has lost nearly 65 pounds since September. (That is when she began to feel bad. But it wasn't until nearly the end of October that we got her talked into seeing a doctor.) So she is quite frail looking now. She has been doing Chemo every other week and of course Chemo isn't a walk in the park. She isn't doing cart wheels down the halls about having surgery. But I can say that she is looking forward to not hurting and cramping all day long. I hate seeing her in pain and not being able to help her. I want so bad to help her but all I can do is talk to her to try and focus her thoughts elsewhere. Yesterday afternoon we got the house ready for her being gone for the next week to 10 days. She isn't happy about that but I did have her laughing about the fact that she will get a whole week of quite, peaceful nights of sleep away from Papa Farmer... She had to laugh at that. She said she isn't sure she will be able to sleep without someone farting and snoring in the room... :) So I told her I will sneak up to her room one night and snore for her! I'm not to sure about the farting though!
So please pray for Mama Farmer tomorrow Bloggy land!!! She will be heading into Surgery at 2:00pm est time. So if you all aren't too busy think of my awesome Mama in law please!! And lift her up in your prayers. Thank you all!

Snowfull Saturday

This morning my Hubster and I woke up to a beautiful blanket of snow. I love how our farm looks so peaceful in the snow. But Hubby and I won't be able to curl up on the couch and watch it snow today. My great Aunt died this past week and today is the funeral. She lived a very long and happy life. And she died peacefully. Today's funeral will be more about celebrating her life then mourning her death. She hasn't been living here in Southern Indiana for a couple years. But I'm so glad she is able to be brought home on such a pretty day. I will be singing her favorite hymn in her country church that she was a member of for over 64 years. I hope I do it justice! The church is just about the sweets little country church in the area. It might have 20 pews. I love the feel of it and how it sits all alone on the prairie. My Aunt will be sorely missed in this community but she is at peace. She had lost her husband almost 40 years ago and was left to raise her children and work a farm on her own. She did it and she did it well!! I drive past her farm on my way home every night and I pray I can be as strong as she is.