Update

Well it went swimmingly!! I don't really know why I was soo worried. She has always been so kind and easy to talk to. So now you all know it went great I'll give you the low down.

I went in and got settled pulled out my 5 page chart and waited on her to come and stick me and then light me up like a Christmas tree on times square... (More on that later) And when she came in she saw the huge folded chart and knew that these last herbs hadn't made my bitch of an Auntie show up after all. So I hand it to her she asks how I have been doing? I said well over all I'm doing better then I was last week. I said last week was my birthday and I had a couple of melt downs. It wasn't good. Then she pulled it open and said I see. I document EVERYTHING!! I think you could call me a tad bit anal but I figure the more info I put on that thing the better. So she said whats wrong your only 27 now right? I said ONLY 27!! Yes but I always thought I would be a mom of a couple of kids by 27 or at least be Knocked Up. And I said well Farmer and I talked about it and he is wanting me to go see a specialist. Because he is thinking its been too long and I have to agree with him (ie Aunt flow hasn't been in town in almost 6mo!!!) And then I paused and waited for her to throw my chart at me and start screaming... (not really I knew she wouldn't be that bad.)And she said I totally agree with him!! It has been too long and she said I was actually going to have this same discussion with you after you started these new herbs. So then I felt the 500 pounds of bricks slide off my back and crumble to the ground. She said you look like the picture of health right now!! Your tongue is the prettiest tongue I have ever seen (This is how they diagnose for problems in traditional Chinese medicine. So no it wasn't a come on!!! Even though I do think my tongue is pretty hot!)She said 6 months ago it was not in good shape at all. She told me I had come a long way. And my pulse is stronger then she has ever felt on me. So overall there is no reasonable explanation for me not to be having a period. (Except that my body is so freaking stubborn that its not even funny.) So now the game plan is for me to finish these fancy nancy herbs that flew all the way in from California. And then come back in 2 weeks and well do another treatment and then she said she will probably try and get me back into her 1 more time before the RE and then we will wait and see what he says. She agrees with me that the acupuncture can only have made me healthier for finally getting pregnant. I have actually never felt as good health wise as I do now. So now I feel like everything is falling into place. I'm not pent up with emotions and I have made it almost 24 hours with out crying so that's a start right?

I can't think of a freaking title!!! How about that?

Well Ladies and gents I don't really know if there are any men reading this but if there are I will fill you in too!

I did it! I made the appointment this morning it was 9:30 am I called the Reproductive Endocrinologist's office and they were all so helpful. (Please let this be a good sign because I have left awesome Dr's in past. Because there staff were bitches!!!) And they were kind and answered all my questions. I'm nervous but excited. I really can't wait but I'm so scared to have to tell Beth (my acupuncturist) I knew she is probably beating her head against the wall trying to think of different herb combinations to give me. I just don't want to her to feel like I don't trust her. Oh I don't know if that's the phrase I'm looking for. I just need some advice on what to say and how to say it. My appt with Beth is tomorrow night. I know she has some new herbs that she had to have specially blended for me (again) So I think I will get through all these by the time my RE appt comes along. I don't want to stop seeing her. I want to keep her with me. She has really helped me in other aspects of my health and I think (Crossing my fingers here) that what she has helped me with, will in the end make me a healthier mama. So that the good news right now. My appt with the RE isn't till Sept. 24th so I have one full month to get KU and then I don't have to worry about having to show my coochie to a male dr. But the odds of that happening are slim to none!!! So here we go down another path in the glorious Infertility Journey!!!

Plan B

This is my first time participating in the ICLW. And I have to tell you it has some what opened my eyes. I don't feel as hopeless. I don't know why but reading other women's struggles has helped me to see this all in a different light. I’m so thankful that Mel started her blog. Reading other women’s stories has put my little struggle into perspective. All last week I was despairing. I was so disappointed in what wasn’t happening to me. But I found that I should be happy that I’m not at the 7 or 10-year mark. I haven’t had to deal with the emotionally stress of giving myself shots or going in everyday for ultrasounds. My journey isn’t as advanced as some. And in a way I guess I should be doing more. And I see that now. I have read so much but I have scared myself into just staying in the familiar. Instead of moving on and calling the Reproductive Endocrinologist, which I knew was probably the only way this is going to happen for me. But in the past 3 days I have come to the realization that it’s not just going to happen unless I do more. My hubby and I were talking about it all last night and now he thinks I should try the RE. I told him everything I have been reading the past couple days from all of the lovely comments and blogs. And I think its time to take the next step in this journey. I was too scared before. I'm still a little scared but hopeful now. I can't stay on this treadmill any longer. We need to move forward. So tomorrow I'm going to call and make the appt. I have no idea how long it will take to be seen. We only have 2 RE’s in the area and that worries me. Because I have heard it does take a while to get into them. This is one of the things that concerns me, that it will take several months and the other is that they are both men. Call me a prude but I have never gone to a male gyno before. I always had a theory that you wouldn't take your car to a mechanic if he has never driven a car so why would you want to see a man about female problems... I know it's dumb! but a man doesn't have any true idea of what menstrual cramps are like. I guess you can call me naive. But that is how I feel. My hubby and I went out to celebrate my birthday last night and after dinner we drove around and talked for a long time. About things we both haven’t wanted to bring up. But now we have a plan and I guess we are getting ready to implement it. Stay tuned…

ICLW

I'm so excited to say that this is my first time... I was pretty nervous and a little apprehensive at first. But the more comments I get and give the more comfortable I'm getting. I'm not as lost as I thought I would be the 1st time around. And I don't feel so alone in all this. I almost feel ashamed for being so crabby and depressed this past week. And whining about how horrible long cycles are. But I will try and bring some sunshine into my blog this weekend. So it isn't all doom and gloom. Thank you again for stopping by and reading.

Horrifying!!!! Shocking!!!! Terrifiying!!!!

Do you want to see the most horrifying picture on earth?







Well I think horrifying might be a little over kill! Ok maybe a lot of over kill!!




It’s just something that I think most women who are trying to conceive would think was horrifying. This is 5 pages taped together! This is what a 165 day cycle looks like! This is the reason I’m so upset by the whole PCOS thing and why I’m so depressed!!! I just thought you all should get a peek at what I have to look at every morning and afternoon!! I guess a girl with that long of a cycle should be entitled to a bitch session every once in awhile. Am I right? I haven’t had to buy any type of feminine protection since before spring!!! And it is now almost the END of summer!!!


My acupuncturist seems to think that since I have had a period during the time she has treated me that my body can do this naturally. And it needs to do it on its own. Not with the intervention of medications. So she is actually trying to heal me instead of make me have a period. Does that make sense? So in a way I agree with Beth (the greatest woman I have ever known) But something keeps tugging at my heart and saying: "Just go call the RE and see what he can do for you… It may take 6 months to get an appt. You wouldn’t have to give up on Acupuncture. Just do it together!" But then I feel guilty for thinking about giving up. Especially if the light at the end of this tunnel could be right around the corner. I don’t know what to do!!! I’m exhausted of waiting for my period to show up. I’m exhausted of watching my temps rise and fall and knowing that there is no way in hell there is going to be an ovulation. And that this whole cycle has been a bust. To be quite honest a waste of hope, worry, and temperatures. Please pray for me to be patient. I feel my heart getting heavier and heavier with each passing day. I had so much hope for trying to get pregnant through acupuncture but now I feel like I need to start revising my plans and looking into other avenues. I guess I should ask what would you do? Should I stick with this since I have invested so much time, energy and money? Or cut my loses and give up and try the RE? My husband really thinks I should stick with Beth for a little while longer because 1 I feel better (health wise) then I have in my entire life. 2 I sleep better and I have more energy. 3 I don’t have headaches like I used to anymore. And I know it’s because of acupuncture. So he thinks if I’m just patient it will all work out. I hope he is right!!

My goodness I let a week slip by and didn’t get back on here and update about my acupuncture appointment. For that I am truly sorry. But When I don’t hear the news I want to hear I tend to bury my head like an ostrich and wish I hadn’t heard it all. It’s almost as if I say the truth out loud then it’s true. But if I don’t talk about it or write about it then it can’t possibly be true. That’s logical right?

The herbs haven’t made me start. My patience is hanging on my by a thread. And now that thread is slowly beginning to unravel. I want this to work more than anything! Shouldn’t that be enough? She wants to start a different round of herbs this next week. She is having them specially blended for me at a pharmacy out west. This will be the 2nd batch that has been blended for me. I don’t want to go and do what I know is the next step. but yet I do want to take that step. I want it to be simple! I want to say let’s have a baby. And not have to debate with myself about the doctor I should choose or what medical procedure would be ethical for me! Why is it so damn hard for so many of us? I watch the bellies of the women in my small circle of friends slowly getting rounder and rounder as the weeks go by. And I notice myself quietly walking away from them lest my jealousy get the better of me. I don’t trust myself anymore. I’m happy for them but it eats at me in way I never thought possible.
This weekend I have a baby shower to attend that is for my cousin’s girlfriend. From the outside looking in she isn’t excited about it all. And I have to go and put a smile on my face and try not to give her the tongue lashing she deserves. I do fine with the women that I know are truly excited about the life growing inside them. But it’s the women I know that would much rather not be pregnant that drive me batty. I want to scream at them! Do you not understand the miracle you possess? The gift you are able to give? You can grow a baby!! I can only watch!!! Where is the justice in that?

I think a lot of the reason I’m so moody today is because I will turn 27 tomorrow. I had always imagined myself having at least 2 children by this age. It’s driving me insane knowing that I may not even have one child by the time I hit 30. I’m so depressed about this birthday for some reason. All week long I have just about come to tears thinking about it. I can’t control it. I ache for a child and now I’m no longer going to be in my mid twenties. I will hit the late twenties mark with no child in my arms or even in my belly!! It hurts so much. I’ve just always figured I would have kids. I knew it would take a little bit of time. But I never thought it would take this much. Or would have me turning into a jealous barren woman!!! And it doesn’t help that I have to hear my mother tell me that she had 2 kids by the time she was my age. Her sisters each had 3 and 4 by the time they were my age. I’m wasting time!!! I’m not getting any younger. And by the time we get around to it Farmer will be 40 when our kid goes to kindergarten! I have heard it all from my mother. She also seems to think the reason God isn’t blessing us with a child is because we “lived in sin” before we were married… God is punishing us!!! I swear all this is starting to wear my nerves thin. I believe in a loving God whereas my mother the Holy Roller that she is seems to disagree. Lord please forgive me for complaining, but your not making this any easier!!!!

A Stalemate

Yee Haw!!! Its Acupuncture day and I have been praying for a miracle. Well actually just recently I started praying for a miracle. I have been hoping for a looooooong freaking time but not praying. I guess it’s safe to say I have become one of those people that just pray when they want something…. (My mother would fall over dead if she read that sentence!) I’m not asking for much. Just for a period!! Is that too much to ask? I’m on cd155!!! I haven’t had a period in 155 days!!! I have sworn off using medications to make me start and now I feel myself starting to waver. I wanted this to work without medication. I have read a 101 success stories of women overcoming PCOS by acupuncture. And now I feel like my hope is fading. I just want a baby so bad and I really don’t know if I can hold out much longer. I’m feeling so frustrated about the whole thing. I know how wonderful I feel from going to acupuncture. My quality of life is so much better I just haven’t been able to have a period since the first month I started going to acupuncture. Now my female organs have entered into a stalemate. I don’t know what to do it end it. I tell myself if I give up now it will take at least a few months to get into the Reproductive Endocrinologist. And in that time frame I might have gotten pregnant if I had just stuck it out a little while longer. So I guess I have found myself between the rock and that hard place I always hear about. Hopefully I will have some answers tonight from the most understanding medical professional I have ever met in my life… I think all doctors need to start out practicing in Eastern Medicine for awhile just to learn how to relate to people and then after 5 years they could be let out to practice western medicine and or both. I have been so amazed at how my body has changed by what she has done. That is why I know deep down this works I just don’t understand why it’s taking so long for me!!!!

Glutton

Bless me father for i have sinned... Yes I have to confess that I've been a glutton and its terrible!!! I shouldn't have!! But I did. Actually my hubby is to blame too. But you can't confess the sins of another at confession. So here goes: within a 24 hour period I (we) ate a half a pan of brownies and a half dozen sugar cookies!!! I was on a weird baking kick yesterday. Don't ask me why. I made 3 dozen sugar cookies and a huge pan of brownies. (I wonder if that's why I feel like a zombie today!!!) I'm in a sugar coma. So much for all the good I did last week with the organic/ whole foods... I just blew that all to hell!!! Well being raised Catholic I figured I better confess. Although I think a priest would laugh at that one.
Thank you for letting me get that off my chest I feel better now!!! I will try better this week I promise!!