August

I have been MIA for over a month now. I suddenly got struck with a severe allergic reaction to blogging. Not sure why. But I avoided writing at all costs!! I really can't explain why I get into ruts like this but I do. So before I let a whole month slip away with out blogging I'm going to do a month in review....

The last week of July Mama Farmer was told before she did more chemo she would need to have a round of immunity boosting shoots. So from the 1st of August through the 4th she got shots to help build her immunity. On the 6th she had to have more fluid drained from her abdomen. Poor gal has been having anywhere from 7 to 9 liters drained each week. It's become her Friday afternoon ritual.

On August 10th was our monthly Book Club meeting. Which I was hosting this time around. We ended up having a record amount of attendees. Which was awesome because it was our 1 year anniversary!! It was quite exciting seeing how big we had grown in a years time. The book we discussed was my pick. I was actually a little disappointed. I chose: Eat, Pray, Love By: Elizabeth Gilbert. I chose it mostly because the movie was going to be coming out 3 or 4 days after our meeting. It was a very hard book for me to get through. I was not impressed! I actually liked the movie more then the book. I think that's the first time I have ever been able to say that. But anyway check out the movie it was great. The book club went as a group to a matinee on the following Saturday. It was a blast seeing it together because we all were laughing at the same times and whispering to each other when we thought something would have looked different in the movie. We meet for lunch at a great little downtown cafe. It was a wonderful book club meeting and Saturday lunch date.

August 13th Mama Farmer had to have another 9 liters drained... The doctors are beginning to be more and more concerned with the amount of fluid she is creating. So they have decide to put off doing Chemo till her strength returns and hopefully the liver will cut back on creating so much excess fluid...

The next week was actually pretty uneventful except for my weekly exercise class. Back in July my mama literally begged me to take a Zumba class with her. She is always looking for something for "Us" to do together. So we can bond.... I don't know if you all know this but my mother drives me batty!! But I knew she wouldn't let up unless I just gave in and went with her. So I did and no I have a new obsession!!!! Zumba !!!!! Oh my goodness if you don't know what this is you need to run to your local gym and beg for them to start it!!! I also thought that if I went to this class with my mom I would be able to spend time with her, without "spending" time with her. If you get my drift!! :) I have been working really hard and diet and exercise this past month. I'm going to the gym for Zumba 2 to 3 days a week. I haven't lost any lbs but I know I'm losing serious inches!!! My arms and legs are getting so toned!! I can't believe it!!! And now I don't feel guilty for ever seeing my mother... And we are sooo busy working out she can't say anything snarky!!! I only have to listen to her snarkiness walking into class and walking out! How about them apples?

August 18th and 19th I had my yearly meltdown... The one where I am reminded at how old my ovaries are going to be on the 20th of August. Last year I had a melt down at work when I came back from lunch and my office had a surprise birthday party for me. They had cake, ice cream, balloons, flowers, the works! Yes I know you probably think I'm to young to have birthday melt downs! But I always thought I would have had all my kiddos by now and my hubby and I would just be happy raising toddlers in to happy children... Not trying to deal with the fact that I may never be a parent... So this year I took the dreaded day off so as to avoid any surprises. Side note: Tears and snot don't look very nice on pastel cake icing
I had planned on spending the whole day with my hubby hauling grain and not letting my brain wonder to "the Dark side." But my mother being the wonderful mother that she is. Had other plans!! My mom planned a lunch date for me, mom, dad my aunt (my godmother) Aka Mrs. Fertile Mertyle and 3 of her 11 children. She has never had a multiple these are all singletons!! She is a wonderful mother! She is a stay at home mom. My uncle has a wonderful job. But of all people for my mother to surprise me with this is the woman! I got to spend the one day that is the darkest for me staring back at her with watching my sweet little cousin cuddle in her lap. And knowing if she wanted to she could have one more... Yes these are the woman in my family the ones that say I'm ready for another one... 9 months later they have a beautiful baby bundle in their arms. I am the 2nd oldest grandchild of 42 grandchildren!!! This number does not include any great grand babies! My mom's side of the family is huge and it's so frustrating because every female is fertile but me!!!
So I sit at my surprise birthday luncheon trying to enjoy myself and I do for the most part. But sometimes my heart burns being around the woman on mom's side. Because they are all blissfully ignorant of the pain associated with being reproductively challenged. I thanked her profusely for driving up with the kiddos and and spending time with me on my birthday. This aunt is actually closer in age to me then she is to my mother. When I was younger we were quite close. She was just like an older sister to me and my sister.
By the time I had gotten home I was so emotionally drained. I had wanted to avoid all subjects pertaining to pregnancy, birth, babies, children, etc. on my Birthday and instead I was exposed to lethal does of all the above. I was so blue by the time Hubby came home I didn't want to celebrate anymore! But he wanted to take me shopping for my birthday present. I had it in my head that I was going to get an e-reader. I've been drooling over them for awhile now!! And so we drive the hour down to the biggest town around to look them over. And I talk myself out of all of the ones at bes.t buy because they were CRAPPY!!! And me being the tech savvy that I am didn't realize that the only place they had the k.indle was at Ta.rget!! Am I the only one who didn't know that? So we run over to the Ta.rget. To get my Birthday present and guess what? They didn't have ANY!!! And it will be several weeks before they do be cause the new version has just come out!! Just my Luck!! So not only did I not get to do what I wanted for my birthday, I had to suffer through all the questions I cannot stand and then I didn't even get the present that I wanted!!! All I wanted was a day for ME!! Was that to much to ask for?

After the birthday fiasco I had a somewhat quiet week at work. And then we actually got Mama Farmer talked into a little trip with her 2 besties to the French Lick Spa!! We didn't think we were going to get her to go. She changed her mind a half a dozen times before they actually picked her up. She thought she would get sick while she was there or the food wouldn't agree with her. But nothing bad happened. The food all agreed with her and she had a blast with her girlfriends! They got the works done. (As much as she could participate in considering her health) I tell you though, she looked like a different woman when she came home! She was literally glowing Sunday afternoon! I really think it boosted her morale. We all have tried so hard to help her and to be there for her. We have tried everything in our arsenal to cheer her up and to help her feel better. But I guess there are just some things that only your girlfriends can do...

That my friends if you are still here and made it this far was my month... I hate that I have been so lax in writing. I'm hoping to remedy that! I plan on doing a blog kick in the pants! So stay tuned.

Love & Hugs to you all!!

I cracked the door...

...of the Infertility closet and stuck my bright 1940's secretary red polished toe out and let the light hit it....

I'm not going to say I have come completely out of the closet like one of my heroes But I'm taking baby steps to get to that point. Last night was our monthly book club meeting and it was fantastic!! When I walked into that meeting last night the thought of announcing my struggle to conceive a child was not on the forefront of conversation topics. I use my book club meetings as some what of an escape. Maybe an escape from reality. Que: Queen!!! ::I'm just a poor boy nobody likes me...:: But really I hate to say this, but with all the trials that test a soul it is nice to just step out of it all sometimes. And that is what my book club bubble has become for me. A getaway. So last night we discussed last month's book which was quite gut wrenching to read. It was: In Harm's Way by: Doug Stanton. Which is the story of the sinking of the USS Indianapolis. Which was a very tragic event in WWII. I have to say there was so much information it was hard to read. And the author was VERY GRAPHIC in his description of what happened to these men. But that isn't what led me to crack the door to my closet. We had such a flowing conversation on this book. We got worked up and angry at the government who didn't protect Our Soldiers. We cried about the terrible losses this country had because of it. But then with that we walked our way into so many different places in our discussions. And some how or another we found ourselves in a discussion about labor & delivery, babies and the all too common ttc conversations. Someone mentioned that they would have loved to have gotten the chance of "Trying" to get pregnant instead of being surprised each time. And then she said it must be fun to just be able to "Try?" And then it just spewed forth from my mouth! I couldn't catch it! No it's not!!! I stated! Try, 2 years of having to "Try." I saw the words floating out in front of me. With no way to stop them! I haven't EVER told ANYBODY that in a public setting! Except here where I'm safe to express my feelings. I only have a aunt who knows and 2 close friends who somewhat know what we are dealing with but they don't quite know the extent and here I just announced to the whole room the TTC sucks!! I just brought my reality into my Never Never Land. I led it by the hand into the room kicking and screaming as I dragged her. But here is the surprising thing: After I had said it we talked about it and the conversation naturally moved along to other things. But something changed in me!! It didn't feel like I had that scarlet letter "I" embroidered on my heart anymore. Even though no one in the room even noticed I had made such a monumental step last night. I felt better about it. Okay, now women I don't know that well, know something about me, my own family doesn't even know! But it felt GREAT! Why? I have no idea. But like I said it was a huge step in accepting this whole pile of crap I've been dealt and as of late I have tried hard to avoid. Mostly because there are so many more major things going on in our lives. One being Mama Farmer's illness. But today is the start of her final chemo. She will get hooked up in about 2 hours and will carry her last pack of chemo around for the next 48 hours. On Friday they will remove it and that will be it for treatments!! God Willing in 4 to 6 weeks when she goes in for her next PET scan she will be Cancer FREE!!! And then maybe 2 months after that we can slowly get some semblance of order back into our lives. She will get her sense of taste back, she will begin to slowly gain some weight and won't look like a little girl playing dress up in her mother's clothes. Maybe my husband and I can get a little bit of our old routine back... And then maybe, just maybe I could begin to think about treatments for myself again... I just feel so hopeful today!! All because of one outburst!!! Who would have thought saying something I have been afraid of admitting to would make me feel better?

Leo

Yes my horoscope tells me I'm a Leo. I'm not really into all that nonsense but on occasion I will read it if some one has a copy of the paper laying on their desk. Today one of the guys I work with had an article he wanted me to read in our local paper. So I read it and my eyes glanced over to the Horoscope column and quickly found this:

LEO (July 23- Aug 22) - Some major impediments in an arrangement you're trying to get to work will finally break away and let you grow crops in what was a field of weeds.

Ummmm Well that was interesting! I do tend to think of my body as a barren field... So what would the major impediment be? Maybe the fact that I did not ovulate with my miracle herbs! Or maybe I will get another period on them in the next week or so and then in the new cycle I will ovulate!!!!... That is a lot to think about. I just thought I would share this with you all. Since I thought it was so funny that it was farming related and kinda sorta made me think. I'm thinking I need you all to give me your insights on what this horoscope means. I don't know how to decipher them. And I always like to add: "In Bed" even though you are only supposed to do that on fortune cookies!! :)

Oh Holy cow!!! For shits and Giggles I just read Mr. Farmers!! Hold on to your hats!!!

Pisces (Feb 20- March 20) - If you have something interesting you've been working on, and you are ready to launch, throw the switch now. You could be extremely lucky today regarding new endeavors.

WOW! Now if that's not creepy I don't know what is! I think just to be on the safe side I might have to jump Mr. Farmer tonight... Hey my Horoscope said so right?

Fertility update: I pulled out the dreaded, evil and despicable CBEFM. Back when I began spotting about 31 days ago and i peed on sticks faithfully every morning for 20 days. Now it's telling me it's low again I never got a peak fert symbol. But I feel really good taking this stuff I don't know what it's doing. I had some pretty weird cramping right around the time I "should" have been ovulating. So maybe my body is trying to do this. I think I will go one more round on the "Au natural stuff" and then maybe in about 2 months time we will be in a better position to go back to the RE and try again. Mama Farmer actually feels somewhat better but she is carrying a whole lot of equipment around with her. They just added a vacuum to the wound on her stomach to assist in the healing. Her body just is not wanting to heal and I know the chemo probably is mostly to blame for that. But hopefully by the end of June she will have finished all the Chemo treatments. She had to do 13 total and we will be coming up on the 11th this next week. So by July Mr. Farmer will have harvested the wheat got the late beans planted and we will slow down a little. And I will be on may way to Dr. B.... Maybe

This Saturday night depending on the weather... Mr. Farmer and I will be heading out to his High School Mixer. Which is usually tons of fun. But because of the timing we don't always get to go because of planting season and the fact that crops need to get put into the ground before we can party. So the last 2 years we haven't made it to the mixer. So this year could be the first year we have gone since we have been officially TTC. And I know the phrases that I love to hear will be thrown out there and then they will be followed by awkward silences. I'm just hoping I can get tanked up really good this year and I won't remember any of the rude questions about our still being childless or I get really tanked up and throw some not so nice comments back!

Mr. Farmer is 6 years older then me. And so many of the couples that we know have children that are already in Kindergarten and a few are even older then that. Some of these couples have been together as long as Mr. Farmer and I have been together. We were just a little slower at getting married. Hubby and I dated for 5 years before we got married so altogether we have been a couple for nearly nine years!!! So every time we get together with his crowd we have to hear all kinds of "helpful advice" not so nice comments and some actually down right rude comments.

But this time around I'm going to implement a plan to counter attack the nosy fertile ones... See below!!!

Here are my top 5 excuses that I'm going to use when someone comes up to ask why we haven't had any kids yet... Or some other idiotic question regarding my reproductive status! This time I'm going to be prepared!

1.) Well see I don't want to loose my School girl Figure... (::Insert hysterically drunk laughing here:: and then point at the woman who said the above comment or point to said commenter's wife and say:: "like you/she did"::and then laugh again::)

2.) Well see I like to be able to drink alcohol till my face turns numb!!! And you can't really do that if your knocked up or have a kid hanging on you...

3.) Well we don't have to worry about getting home to relieve a babysitter. Heck we could drive to Florida tonight and we wouldn't have to tell a soul!

4.) Mr. Farmer and I can sleep in as late as we want after an all night drinking binge. And we don't have to worry about having to get up to take care of a little kiddo.

5.) My 1968 Brittany Blue Mustang would not look very cool with a baby seat in the back

I'm sure I don't have to explain that I would gladly give up all these things for the rest of eternity if I knew I could have child in my arms... But by actually acknowledging that we have a problem to some of these idiots would just make it ten time worse. So for me and Mr. Farmer it's easier to think of funny or not so nice come backs to say to nosy people who don't really need to know our reproductive status... Please think of some more good come backs and share them in the comments!! I'm sure we are going to need them!

Love & Hugs

National Day of Prayer

Since today is the National Day of Prayer and I thought I would write about prayer.

I have been trying to pray for all of my bloggy friends everyday. I thought I would ask the same of you. I know some people don't believe in prayer and I have only lately began to pray again. I'm not asking you to pray to God if you don't believe. But please just send some good thoughts out to each other. Or a great big virtual hug to each other.

I don't know what has come over me lately but I have been trying harder and harder to pray for God's will instead of my own... It has been so difficult asking for that. Instead of praying that "I become pregnant as soon as possible." or "please make me a mother." I'm actually trying to focus on what is, meant To Be. Not what I want, To Be. It has been such a struggle. Some days it has been easier then others. And some days not so easy. But I thought if maybe we could all pray, send happy thoughts, or just some good karma to each other it might bring some peace into our hearts. So please think of all our bloggy sisters today!!

Sending you all the prayers and good thoughts I can muster!!!

Love & Hugs

What If...

What if I can't give my husband an heir... I know this isn't Mid-evil times. This is not the year 1510!! Why? Do you ask, am I'm acting like it is? Let me explain my madness...

My husband is a farmer. And as such, farm families pass the ground & business on to the next generation. My husband is the last in his family, his father had 2 brothers none of whom had sons so the farm passes to my husband. Mr. Farmer is the last of 5+ generations farming and living on this ground. And he has no one to pass this on to. His ground has been in his family for hundreds of years. I know it has come up between his mother and father about what is going to happen to "The Farm" when they die. What will happen to the ground they poured their very blood, sweat and tears into?

What if I can't give a child to my husband?

This thought keeps me up at night. I'm the first wife in this long line of Farmer women who could not produce an heir... If this was the year 1510 I could be beheaded for not producing an heir!! I realize my husband is not that shallow as to leave me for some one who could produce a child. But I want more then anything to give him the sons/daughters he deserves.

What if... We turn 70 and we have no children? We will end up having to sell his family's heritage, and history instead of having someone to pass that legacy on to...

What if... We never have a biological child but we get the opportunity to adopt and can create a new legacy!! And his name will still have chance to live on? I hope that no matter what we will have a child, whether it is born through my body or through my heart. I will give him a child!!

Please go over to Mels blog and read other IFs.

www.resolve.org/infertility101

www.resolve.org/takecharge

The Hen House

I want to introduce you to the little ladies that rule the roost down at the Farm... These little ladies are busy little bees. Let me tell you. They have about 5 roosters terrorizing them at all hours of the day.... But they are happy little gals and they fill my egg basket every night. The pictures are a little fuzzy cause the lighting is terrible in the coop and a chicken NEVER stands still!!!!


Patiently waiting for cracked corn and ground feed

Edna looks like she's dancing but really she is just heading down to Sally's cubby so they can chat about that stud of a rooster...

I wish you could hear the noise. Chickens and roosters are so freaking loud!! It's incredible all the noise that goes on in a little coop

This is the end that an egg comes out of... Yes Little Miss Sally is entering her little cubby to lay her daily egg

The Headless Chicken... No not really she is just really into getting that corn at the bottom of the bunk that she isn't even paying any attention to me

This guy thinks he is Hot stuff. All the ladies want him... Well shall call him Antonio

One of the 6 things Chickens do all day long. Peck, eat, poop, get nailed by the sex crazed roosters, lay eggs, & sleep

Now the Roosters day is a little different then that... But I won't go into his day. Let's just say he does one thing over and over and over again....

Poor Girls!!!

The Un-Anniversary...

In 2 weeks we will be hitting an anniversary I never thought we would ever get to. I remember being so naive in thinking that it would probably take Mr. Farmer and I awhile to get pregnant... 6 months maybe. A year tops!... But now we are nearing the 2 year mark of officially Trying To Conceive. I'm not going to say that I'm mad or even aggravated. I actually think at times I feel a little blessed for all the time we have had together. Other times I don't... I do think we have grown a whole lot in the last 2 years. Especially in the last year. I feel somewhat calloused though. Not as trusting as I was back then. I sometimes miss that young impressionable Mrs. Farmer. The one who read from cover to cover 2 separate times: "What to Expect when your Expecting." Thinking that by the time I finish this book the 2nd time we should be pregnant! I remember thinking that if I wasn't thinking positive thoughts I could send bad vibes to my uterus.... I had all these cute innocent little ideas I had thought up. The first year we were trying I found myself buying clothes for a baby that didn't even exist! I had little toys and nursery decorations too! Now all those things are sitting in a wardrobe that was once in my own nursery as a child. I swear at times I can hear those play things whispering to me... Sometimes they are taunting me. Telling me they will never ever be played with! Because I jumped the gun! I bought toys for a phantom baby!.... And other times I swear they are whispering apologies to me. Saying how they feel sorry for the fact that I have a wardrobe full of baby things and no baby to use them.

Yes I know I'm nuts!! I hear toys talking! I swear it's just infertility induced craziness! But maybe it's not! Maybe it just took the infertility to make it surface. And that in turn is why I'm still not Knocked the F&*K up!!! I'm too mentally damaged to have children...

I have been contemplating boxing them up tight maybe double boxing them and then wrapping duct tape around the whole freaking thing and putting them in the attic at Mama Farmer's house. I think that after 2 years I probably should. I think I'm being a glutton for punishment if I keep them in that damn wardrobe. I remember how I used to open it up and unfold those little clothes and just imagine a little body filling those hollow little outfits. He would have his father's eyes, my cheeks, his father's temperament and maybe even my eyebrows. But now I just don't see him anymore.

Fertili Tea

I can't believe it but I have been drinking my FertiliTea faithfully since I got it. And you all won't believe this!! I'm actually getting the warnings that Auntie Flow is coming soon... I don't want to be a TMI poster. But I have had visual confirmation that Auntie Flow is in town and will be arriving at my door soon!!! Like maybe this afternoon!!!! I'm amazed!!! I actually started drinking the tea on Monday Apr 12th in the afternoon! I had just placed the order the Friday (9th) before!! That is some super fast shipping!! The tea tastes AWESOME!! It is exactly just like the peppermint tea I already drink . It's not hard to get used to at all. And the tablets aren't bothering my stomach which I was a little worried about. I feel really good. No weird side effects. I'm just totally floored that this stuff is working so quick! I never in a million years would have expected it to work in a weeks time. I even think I'm going to run by the drug store today and buy a box of sticks for my CBEFM. I pulled the darn thing out of the back of the closet yesterday and blew the dust of it. Even though I have a strong hatred for that expensive little beast!!! I think I'm ready to see if this stuff will actually make me ovulate!! How awesome would that be? I would love to do a natural cycle for once. I never even cycle!! So here we go girls!!

I know some of you may think I'm giving up on treatments (TI w/ gonal F) for good. But I'm not! I'm just giving up on doing them for now. I just feel like Mr. Farmer and I are not in a good place emotionally right now to start again. With Mama Farmer's health up in the air and all these animals, and no planting season here upon, we just don't have the energy to add into the mix with the fertility stress. All I want to do right now is try my best on my own to get the lady bits into some sort of natural rhythm.

Thank You Mrs. Ashley!!

This post is kind of a Thank you note and a PSA all wrapped up in one!

The other day I was writing about maybe looking into a fertility treatment that was a little less invasive then the injectables, with constant monitoring. Where my hubby and I, are at right now in our lives with his mama being sick and having to take care of 2 farms and 2 households full time. It's just to hectic to even begin to think about adding a new cycle into the mix right now. Especially since we are full swing in Planting season. So I thought about seeing another doctor and see what he had to say. But I have to say I chickened out!! I'm just not ready to go into all that again. I think I'm just remembering the hour drive to the dr every morning being hopeful and then the hour back to work crying. Then my whole day being jacked up cause I was chock full of hormones and a ball of nerves waiting to hear back about the results. I guess I'm just too freaking sensitive!!! So I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. But I didn't want to keep wasting time!!

But then Mrs. Ashley over at Infertile Myrtle http://ifashley.blogspot.com/ stopped in and told me about FertilAid and how it helped her ovulate!!! I secretly don't think I have ever ovulated! So I was intrigued! I went to the website: http://www.fairhavenhealth.com/ and there are literally tons of reviews from woman who have PCOS or who were regular but not ovulating. And who after having used it and it they began to ovulate and even become regular! I'm not so much buying it to get pregnant all though that would be awesome!! I would just love to be able to start cycling like a "NORMAL" woman! I have NEVER EVER been regular. I would really like to be able to work with my body to get it on some kind of routine. Right after I read the reviews I thought what the hell! it's not expensive and if I could get my body to give me a period just once with out prometruim it would pay for it self in my opinion! So I ordered a bottle of the supplement and bag of the FertiliTea and a Fertility Candle... Yes Total Cheese I know!! But I'm a sucker for candles and I was on a mission!! Oh and they had free shipping!! So I stocked up!! I was on the site for a long time just reading everything I could.They make formulas for guys and gals! Although we won't be needing the guy formula. It actually just sounds like a SUPER DUPER Vitamin! Here are the facts:

FertiliTea Organic and Wildcrafted Herbal Ingredients:
• Chasteberry (vitex) - stimulates the hormones involved with ovulation and helps restore female hormonal balance. It is used as an herbal treatment for infertility and is especially helpful for women with irregular cycles, failure to ovulate, or a short luteal phase.
• Red raspberry leaf - highly regarded for its ability to tone the uterus and muscles of the pelvic region. A highly nutritive ingredient, red raspberry is a powerful fertility-promoting herb, especially when used in combination with peppermint.
• Green tea - a powerful antioxidant that enhances reproductive health by repairing the oxidative damage that occurs naturally as the result of environmental toxins and aging. Much has been written about the positive correlation between green tea and fertility.
• Ladies mantle - a “tonic” herb that is useful in regulating a woman’s monthly cycle. It also exerts a toning effect on the cervix.
• Nettle leaf – contains a wide spectrum of vitamins and minerals that are critical to good reproductive health, including Vitamins A, C, D, K, potassium, phosphorous, iron, and sulfur; also contains calcium, key for conception and maintaining pregnancy.
• Peppermint leaf – gives FertiliTea a delicious flavor and has the added benefit of serving as a sexual stimulant.

Well for everything I ordered it wasn't expensive at all. And free shipping to boot! So if your wanting to try something different check it out! My order said it had shipped out to day too! So that was nice to know that they work quickly! So now I'm beginning to feel like I'm actually being proactive instead of just waiting... Oh and stop by Infertile Myrtle and give her some Love!!!

Thank You Ashley for being so sweet and sharing that info with me I really appreciate it!! And also to the gals who shared links to other bloggers! I have been checking them all out! Thanks again!!!

Oh and I apologize for my lack of skills on making the links Blog "correct" I couldn't for the life of me get the damn thing to work so I gave up!! I'm soo sorry maybe I will one day figure out the art of making a correct clickable link!!

Love & Hugs

Just call me Oscar...

The Grouch that is!! I don't know what my problem is? The last week or so I have just been terribly grouchy... Poor Mr. Farmer!! I wish I knew when My Auntie would show her ugly face! Having PCOS sucks donkey balls!! I can't ever blame my bad moods or crying jags on PMS. Because I never have a freaking period!!! Now I can feel myself getting grouchier as I type this all out! I apologize for that. But my goodness What the hell is wrong with me?

Oh and Sunday was freaking fantastic!!! Mr. Farmer's Uncle asked if we had anything we would like to announce... I said like what? (Knowing full well what he meant!) And Mr. Farmer said yes I've got something to announce: We are heading home! Ha -Ha Ha-Ha! Then Uncle Farmer said NO!! I mean when are we going to hear an announcement about you 2 FINALLY having a baby? We need another baby in this family!! I'm beginning to think you all don't know how to do it!! Maybe we need to have some classes!!! Then Mr. Farmer's grandmother jumped up on the bandwagon. She starts saying how I've got to be the one to have the twins in the family! Because every generation has a set of twins... I didn't have the patience or the guts to explain to Mr. Farmer's Grandmother that Mr. Farmer's family twin gene won't get passed on though him... So after about 10 minutes of crude jokes about learning how to "do it" we made it out of there. The sides of my cheeks are still hurting from having to bite them so hard to keep from speaking my mind!! That I guess may be part of the reason why I'm still grouchy! Why do nosy family members feel the need to throw it in your face that you have yet to produce an "heir?"

Oh lord I'm so thankful that the holidays are over for now. I hope everyone had a peaceful and restful Holiday. Easter was so beautiful this year!!! (The Weather not the family gatherings!!:)

I think I'm gearing myself up for trying a different route of Infertility treatment. I'm not sure though if it will help a woman with PCOS. I have heard about this amazing OB/GYN in town not too far from where we live. I will give you all a link and see if you can fill me in.

I was raised Catholic in a VERY Religious family. But as of late I have become a lapsed Catholic... I have had a hard time with the teachings of The Church on Infertility treatments. My mother's entire family is VERY fertile so they practice The Creighton Method for family planning.

So today I was so down in the dumps and blue about not being able to do another cycle until our family life clams down. I find myself searching on Google and low and behold I found catholicinfertility.org

I'm not sure what made me follow that site to this link:
Fertilitycare.org

I thought it was all very interesting. But what do you think? I have to say I am interested in at least speaking to a Dr. who deals with the NaProTECHNOLOGY. But do you think that it's all it's cracked up to be? Or is it just another smoke and mirror ploy? I don't know if I want to start all over again with a new doctor and a new office. But I will admit I'm having some mixed emotions about going the IVF route. It's not because of growing up Catholic. I think I'm just worried about the tremendous amount of stress, money and emotion going into it. But I feel comfortable with IUI's those don't seem as foreboding to me for some strange reason. But there isn't hardly anything on the above site about PCOS so I guess I would really need to get more info before I proceed. But do you all think I'm wasting my time trying another venture? Or should I just stick with the tried and true?

Baseline Appt

I survived them even though they had to split the appointments up over 2 days and then they had to draw my blood from my wrist! Other then all that they went swimmingly!!! Yes I'm a hard stick and that sucks!! I have one good vein in my left arm I try to get them to use it but only the brave will try it. They always try this one vein in my right arm that appears to be good but is sneaky... And then they dig around in my arm and make me want to pass out! Just so I don't have to deal with the fact that this moron is digging around in my flesh with a sharp metal object just trying to find some blood!!! Sunday morning I had to have CD3 blood draw and that ended up being a good thing cause after I got my blood drawn I actually took my heathen butt to church!! I hadn't gone in a good while. I actually went to a local church near the hospital. So that was nice and then I went shopping!!!

I broke one of the cardinal rules in infertility Sunday while I was shopping. Target was having a sale and they had a ton of Maternity clothes on the clearance rack. I got a couple pairs of work pants for $7 and a really cute top for $4. I know I shouldn't have done that but I did!! But I'm justifying the buying of maternity clothes because I have heard the bloat on Gonal F is terrible!! And I refuse to buy a bigger size of pants!!! So if my belly swells to a point that I can no longer wear my own clothes I will let myself slip into the same size I currently wear only in a maternity pant!! Does this sound like the ramblings of a lunatic? I think so....

But anyway they were cute and I can't pass up a good deal if I wanted to. So now I have confessed to the fact that I now own maternity clothes and I am indeed NOT PREGNANT!!! How pathetic!! But hey retail therapy is a proven fact and I do feel better after buying them!!!

Tomorrow is our third anniversary I will try and post some pics of our wedding. It was beautiful and homey, country and classic. I loved every little bit of our wedding. Not to mention the cute groom!!! So I will be working on that this afternoon.

Oh and no I didn't get the measurements of my lining yesterday during the ultrasound. I was actually in a state of sheer awe! I was amazed that we are actually HERE!!! We are starting our 1st real cycle!! Nurse Prac T did say we are good to go for this cycle and we aren't being told by DR. B to do an IUI so I'm happy about that. TI is fine for us since Mr. Farmer passed his test with flying colors or should I say Olympic swimmers!! I think C the overly informative Nurse Prac just wanted to give us that info. So we could think about it (or freak out about it!!). And last night on the way to my niece's first dance performance I got the call from freedom pharmacy for the 1 dose of Ovidrel I will need. I got most of the meds donated all but 1 dose of Ovidrel. It has been such an amazing journey to get here. I can't believe all the caring souls out there in this infertility network we have. I'm truly blessed to have found you all!!

My first dose of Gonal F is tonight I can't wait!! I'm soo excited!! I can't believe we are going to be shooting me up with our 1st round the night before our anniversary. It all seems like good signs to me!! So stay tuned for emotional ramblings this week I'm sure they will be doozies!!

Love & Hugs
Mrs. Farmer :)

CD1 & Test Results

Yippee Skippy!!!! I had a visitor stop in and see me this morning!! She will be probably be staying at the old farmhouse for a few days. But she isn't un unexpected guest all though I do hope that this will be my last visit from this guest for at least a year or longer....

Yes my aunt flow arrived in all your glory and I can't say that I'm not excited. I could barely contain my excitement as I called my RE's office this morning. I was trembling to be quite honest. I told the receptionist the news and she said she would have the NP call me back for my appt times. When Colleen the NP called back I got some interesting news. Evidently my Dr. B. has just come back from a infertility convention last month. I guess they now have proof that insemination will increase your odds of conceiving by 15%. So he is now wanting all of his patients to look into and at least think of the possibility of insemination. So that really surprised me. I'm really not ready for that. I had just gotten used to the idea of Timed Intercourse. But I guess we will take all this info in stride.

Mr. Farmers SA was great.
Count was 217 Million
Motility 65%
Morphology 12%

She said the morph was low but not a problem because the count was so high. But Dr. B. hasn't looked at his numbers yet. But she said over all this was a great SA! So I was happy to hear about that. I have heard that different offices have different normal ranges so her normal ranges were as follows.
Count: Greater then 40 mil
Motility: Greater then 50%
Morphology: 30%

So at my CD 3 blood work I will find out what Dr. B. will suggest. I talked to hubbs and we both agree that insemination is too big of a step right now. So we won't do that just yet. I feel like we haven't even really be able to try naturally because I never ovulate. So if I can get pregnant the old fashioned way with a lot of medication I would feel more comfortable with that. I am in no way saying anything about insemination being bad. I'm just saying that I'm not prepared for it. It takes me awhile to get used to big plans. And I had slowly gotten used to the idea of injectables. So this really has been hyperventilating!! But hopefully Dr. B. will agree that we should just try a TI cycle 1st!

Well that's all I got for now!! Have a wonderful weekend Chickie's!!
Love & Hugs
Mrs. Farmer:)

5 Days on Prometrium...

Makes me a mood swinging, hot flashing, tantrum throwing, crazy woman!! I broke down and cried in the hallway at the RE's office yesterday morning. I don't understand why these hormones have to be this hard on me?

Let me recap so you all can catch up on the story...

Friday afternoon on my way home from work I realized we had never scheduled Mr. Farmers SA. And I had already called in on Thursday to tell them I was at CD35. So we had to get on the ball!!! I called and left a msg to tell them I had blundered and forgot to get his SA set up so we need to do it ASAP!!!

So I knew they probably wouldn't get back with me that day, but at least I had gotten a message in. Then Sunday morning bright and early Deena with Dr. B's office calls and said that we can set it up for Tuesday morning at 8:00am. I say okay I will be bringing it cause Hubbs has too much on his plate right now so I will bring the boys myself. She said that's fine. Just get them here within the hour. I said okay we can do that!!!

So Tuesday rolls around I'm sure you know what happened in the morning. I don't think I need to give you details. I had to get out the door with the little guys as fast as I could. I put the specimen cup in my bra and headed south. I had to get there quickly!! I was so worried that I would get pulled over but I had to get there quickly. Thank God for my fuzz buster. I have never in my whole life felt that funny before. I felt quite protective of the little guys. I kept a coat over my chest and kept my hand over that just so they wouldn't get cold. I felt so responsible for them. I hated to think that something could happen and they would be wasted. I don't know if it was because of the hormones or what but I tell you I was on a freaking mission to get those little guys looked at!!

Well I pull into the lot of the hospital around 7:35 and I move the boys from between my boobs to the underside of my arm and inside my bra. Cause I didn't want the people in the waiting area thinking I had 3 boobs. And then I threw my coat on and ran inside. Up the elevator and then down the super long, lonely hall way to Dr. B's office. But when I turn the corner to open the glass door of the fertility clinic I find the door locked and all the lights inside turned off. I was stunned!!!! These little guys were swimming around in my arm pit waiting to be checked out and no body is here to check them out!!! WTH? Are you fu$king kidding me? I have just driven down the highway 80 miles an hour swooping in and out of rush hour traffic after reading on you all's paper work that the sooner I got these little guys here the better. I'm here and you are not!! WHY ME?!!! So I stood there at the door right under a video camera and cried!! I cried hard. I snorted and snotted and boo hoo'd right there in front of the security camera. Then I wiped my eyes and called Mr. Farmer he couldn't believe it either. We had been led to believe that this office was open early so women could come in and get blood drawn in the early am. But I guess today of all days they weren't doing that. So Hubby tried to calm me down. But all I could think about was those little guys sitting in my arm pit and that their time was ticking away and soon it would be gone!! So I stood there under that security camera and Hubby kept telling me it would be okay. And that it wasn't a wasted trip... But in my heart I felt like I failed the little guys...

I waited for what seemed like hours. But really it was only 24 minutes but it felt like an eternity. I saw the pudgy little receptionist coming down the long, lonely hallway with her lunch box, work bag, coat and purse all in her arms laughing along with another nurse from her office. I guess she couldn't sense that I had just finished having a melt down at the end of her hallway. And all she was worried about was clocking in 1 minute before they "opened." She unlocked an unmarked door several doors down from where I stood under the watchful eye of the security camera. And she and the nurse disappeared behind the door. It was 2 minutes after 8:00 when the front door was finally unlocked. By that time my heart felt so heavy when I walked through that door. And yes I know it was probably because of my hormones. But it was "too late" I didn't get them here under the hour mark. I felt like I failed!!!

I had to fill the paper work out for my hubbs and I wrote the time and everything down. They never said anything about it. She acted like business as usual so maybe they were okay. We won't hear back I guess until the end of the week. Cause the doc has to read the results and he isn't at the hospital I go to except 2 weeks out of the month so they will have to fax them to his home office 3 hours away. So keep your fingers crossed and pray all kinds of prayers for our little swimmers. And pray that they were still swimming when they finally got around to looking at them.

Oh and yes I know we could have had the hubbs do his thing down there in the office But my hubby was adamant about doing it at home. So going to the office was entirely out of the question.

And no AF has not shown her ugly face yet. I'm patienly waiting. I took my last pill Monday night and I have only had cramps and moodswings to show for it. So on top of praying for our swimmers pray that I get a period too!!!

Love & Hugs to you all!!!

CD 35

I made it to CD 35!! My damn body is so stubborn!! I POAS and it came back just like I expected it to! I have never POAS and not cried afterward. This was the 1st time I was not upset about a negative! I'm so excited to get this show on the road!! Even though my family has been turned on its ear lately I'm ready for us to get some happy news for a change. I had the weirdest day yesterday. I peed on my stick and then called the docs office and got the ball rolling for our new cycle. And then that evening I went to help my momma in law with the animals. She has a menagerie at her house. Its quite funny I call her Doctor Doolittle. The Docs don't want her to change her routine because of the cancer. They just want her to be careful about lifting and getting hit in the chest/breast plate. Because it could damage the port or the vein in the port. Or even pull the needle out that is running the chemo into her body for the next several hours. So I went down to help her feed. Which mostly I did the heavy lifting. Cause she is NOT an invalid!! Which she kept reminding me of. And then I fed the horses because they like to bump her around with their extra large heads and nuzzle her around the face. And so they wouldn't accidentally hurt her without meaning to. And she of course felt like I was babysitting her. But we made it through feeding and headed back up to the house. And set down to talk for awhile. She said that she had just been talking to her sister in law who said that her daughter had trouble with her periods and all she had to do was take clomid and she got pregnant 2 months later... (This girl just had her 4th child the day my MIL found out she had cancer) So I should just do what she did!!! And it would help me too!!! I can see that my MIL is worried that we won't get to have any kids and I don't really share all the dirty little details with her about my appts. But she knows a 100% more then my own mother knows at this point. I just thought it was cute and sad that she is more worried about Ryan & I having a child then she is about the chemo she is packing around with her. She is my hero!!!

When she was diagnosed she told the doctor that if anyone had to have it her family she was glad it was her. She didn't want anybody else to have to deal with it!!!
I don't know if I could be that way about it.

So last night I told her how my doctor feels like my problem is too big for clomid to help it. So we are doing some heavy duty drugs to start with. And she asked how long it will take to work? I said hopefully we will know by the 1st week or so of Dec if I'm pregnant. And then she said wouldn't that be a nice Xmas present? And I almost wanted to cry!!! So please God let me be able to give My MIL and hubby the bestest Christmas present ever!!!! Santa do you hear me too? I'm counting on you all to help me in this mission!!!! I want to be able to tell her at Christmas that she will have one more Grand baby that she has to fight cancer for!!!

Oh and while I was at lunch with my poppa today I got a phone call from one of my hubby's farm hands who said I won a prize off the radio. Our local radio station was giving away a spa package for 4 this week so I called in to enter. I really thought my MIL could use it and sure enough I won the darn thing!!! How awesome would that be? So maybe while I'm waiting to hear if I got KTFU I can take my MIL out and maybe my SIL and niece to get all pampered! So like I said its been a weird 24 hours but I wouldn't change it. And we are about 2 days out from getting all our crops in too. So its been a week of roller coaster moments but we get through it all some how.
I hope you all Have a wonderful weekend!!!

Love & Hugs

Welcom ICLWers!!!!

I just wanted to say Hello to all the new people stopping by. I will give you a tad bit of background.

I'm married to a farmer we live in the heartland of America. We have been married almost 3 years. We are trying although so far unsuccessfully to add to our family. So far we have only ended up with 3 furkids. 2 dogs and 1 cat. I have PCOS and haven't had a period on my own in AGES!!! So at the end of this cycle. If I can start on my own (please cross your fingers and pray to God!!!) we will be starting our 1st medicated cycle. If I don't start on my own I will wait till CD35 and test to make sure I didn't have a miracle happen. And then I will get the dreaded progesterone and to have Aunt Flow stop in for a visit. After that I will start on Gonal F and Ovidrel for Trigger. So far I'm only on CD21 so in a few weeks I will be so full of hormones no one will want to be around me!!! That's all I've got.

I blog about farming and my family and stupid little things I love to take pictures but I'm no photographer. One of these days I hope to take a couple classes just for fun. I love to read also. I have just joined a book club that's just begun in my home town. And our 2nd book has just been phenomenal. (I picked this one!!!) It's spooky and dark and has a ton of secrets and mystery to it. I highly recommend this book to everyone. I had to start reading something other then infertility/fertility material. Or I was going to go crazy if I didn't. So this has helped get me out of this whole infertility bubble.
The book I just finished and have been referring to is: The Thirteenth Tale By: Diane Setterfield.

Go get it!! Oh and it's a perfect read for October!!!

Thanks for stopping by!!!

Stuff... (Sorry thats the best title I could come up with this morning)

Well I have gotten a couple awards and I promise I will get to them as soon as I can. It takes me a little while to figure all this technology out. And making clicky links is really new to me. So Bear with me!!!! I promise I will get to them!!

I haven't had a chance to put up a farming post because frankly we have been toO busy farming... Imagine!!! But while I was helping out I took tons of pics so I promise to post them too!!!

Now on to the nitty gritty!!! My RE's office called and said that the HSG was clear my tubes look great!! The radiologist didn't seem to see anything that concerned him. Not even that floating ovary way up in my rib cage!! Well maybe I'm exaggerating a little! I don't think it was as high as all that but it sure looked funny floating away just tethered to my lady bits by a little tube. It reminded me of a astronaut floating in space with only that tube or life line thingy keeping him from floating away.

So she asked if we were going to begin a medicated cycle next? And I said yes that's our plan and she said we would need to do blood work and an ultrasound of course at the start of my next cycle then we would order the meds and then we would be ready to roll!! Of course that would be after I took a pregnancy test that was positive... I'm flabbergasted!! I can't believe were here. I had kind of thought in the back of my head. That suddenly at the last possible minute before I would have to say yes to all these tests and procedure that a miracle would happen!! And I would just miraculously end up pregnant... Yes I know I'm a big dreamer!!! But a girl can always dream right? I know they told me its not like it will happen naturally for me but I guess I just was holding on to that last little glimmer of hope. Even last night I was telling hubby we should step it up a notch cause this is our last ditch effort before the meds. And he being the red blooded man that he is. And it probably didn't help that I have plumb wore that boy out!!! Since last Saturday... He asked a simple Why? And I of course got all defensive and said well didn't you hear the nurse practitioner say it is possible to get KU after an HSG. I think he felt guilty about being a little calloused. He tried to make it up to me by tyring to work again on my little project ;) But then I felt guilty for not letting him rest. So I gave him a night off. I know down deep its not going to happen this way. I have even been using the OPK's this week and I know they aren't going to help me either so I just finally have to say I GIVE UP!!!! I will do it the Doctor's way!!!

So yes this week has been a tad bit difficult to bear. A guy here at work just had a new baby. He has been complaining about the lack of visitors at the hospital (swine flu epidemic in Indiana so just 2 visitors over the age of 25 per room) And then he was complaining about her (his wife) being grouchy and I'm just not in the mood to hear all this about how rough he has it having a new born at home that isn't sleeping through the night. He is the worst example of a father/husband anyway but that just has made it ten times worse for me. But luckily he is gone this afternoon.

And maybe if I don't get to busy I can throw some pics on here from this past weekend... Keep your fingers crossed!!

The rest of the story...

I'm much better today. I was pretty sore and achy after the HSG but that to me was more like the whole period cramping feeling like crap stuff. But I actually think I was achy and sore because I had tensed up so much during the procedure. But that's just my opinion. Now on to the good stuff!!! This is going to be a long one too!! I apologize!!

Like I said the weather was freaking TERRIBLE!! And there is nothing more depressing then a cold, rainy and nasty day. But add an HSG to your schedule and your day has gone to pot before you have even begun. So I get out of the clinic and call my hubbs and my voice is still trembling cause I was still kind of in shock over Dr. GQ and his torture chamber! So Hubby could tell I was hurting. So he asked me what the doc said and if he thought I was ok etc. And I said that he gave me the all clear!! So Hubbs was happy and we talked for a few more minutes but he had to go cause he was hauling grain. So I told him I was going to run to my Aunt A.'s (my mother's little sister) house and visit with her for a bit and then if I feel better I might just get some shopping done. The town where my RE's office is at, is "The Big City" it's an hour away from our home and it has 2 Malls!!! And I never ever get to shop anymore so I was going to have to will myself to feel better so I could go and shop!!

So I'm pulling out of the hospital parking lot and I start dialing what I thought was my aunt's telephone number and come to find out it wasn't!! Lord a mercy was I shocked when my Grandmother picked up!! This is my mom's mother. And at this point in time there has been a lot of bad blood going on in my mother's family. My mother has a huge family and her brothers are all farmers and they got into a big fight with my mom, her 2 sisters and 1 of her brothers and the farm and business ended up getting split up. Well my mom's mother sided with my mother's brothers. And hasn't spoken to my mom since it happened. I actually had only seen my Grandmother once since this all took place and it was at Christmas Last year. So here out of the clear blue sky I accidentally call my Grandmother who of course is at home!! (Where else would an 82 year old woman be at on a nasty ass day?) And she was all surprised when I called of course!! And I know I sounded shocked as shit when she answered. I wish I could have had it recorded because I was soo stunned that she was answering my aunt's phone... Then I put 2 & 2 together and realized I had fu$ked up and so I was like Hey grandma I'm in the area do you mind if I stop in to see you? She was shocked and was a little confuzzeled and said: yes,... uh... okay, I think that should be fine. She wanted to know what I was down here for and of course I told her I was here for a doc appt. And I hung up and thought oh shit what are we going to talk about?! My family doesn't see each other I haven't seen her in almost a year!! But I need to see her she is getting older and isn't in good health maybe its meant to be that I stop in and see her. So I had to get my story straight in my head. I thought if I tell her I'm meeting a friend for lunch at 12:30 that way I won't have to stay too long and at this point its already after 11:00 so I drive over to her house which is less then 5 min from Dr GQ's torture chamber. And I run in and we talk small talk for a little while avoiding all subjects that would involve talking about my mother (Whom I don't really get along with) and my uncles whom my grandmother sided with so she then asks what I was getting done. She had thought I had all my docs in my new home town now. And then I thought you know I'm just going to bite the bullet and tell a little of this to my grandmother. I really have no women in my life to talk about this to (Except my bloggy girls.) So I break down and say we have been going to a fertility specialist. To find out why we haven't been able to get pregnant. And she was actually interested!! She asked me questions then asked me what I did today and I said I had a procedure done. She could tell I wasn't feeling well. I told her how they told me it would be a glorified pap smear... yada yada!! Then she said oh yeah right kind of like the mammogram that we women have to have!! She says that it must have been a man that invented all these damn tests!!! I would like to put his balls in that damn mammogram machine and I bet after that torture they would find a better way to check for cancer!! She said if there wasn't anything wrong with your tits before you got there, there's something wrong with them now!! She cracks me up when I talk to her. We had a good convo. I didn't tell her everything. My grandmother was super fertile she had a couple miscarriages though and 1 stillborn. So I guess she understands a little I mean I would rather be in my situation and not be able to get pregnant. Then being able to get pregnant and not be able to carry it to term... I thought about that for awhile and then realized it was getting close to 12:15 and I wasn't in as much pain and I had mentioned that I was meeting a friend for lunch so I kissed her goodbye and she told me good luck and that she would pray for me... I think I needed that even though I didn't think I would ever be close to my grandma again it was good for us both...

But the day still isn't over yet...

So I start driving down the strip and I know that I'm not hungry so I thought I will run to Barnes and Noble cause I never get to go there anymore unless I'm down here in "The Big City" and maybe by the time I get out of there I will be hungry. So I run in there and once I'm in B&N I could be lost in there for hours. I LOVE books so I pick up some books for me and then look in the children's dept for my nephews and before I know it I have an arm load of stuff. So I head down stairs. I'm starting to get hungry. As I'm going down the escalator I notice the display of the 70th anniversary of the Wizard of Oz!! My dad's baby sister N. is a huge fan of the Wizard of Oz and so I walk over and look at the table and I instantly think of her and her daughter S. because her daughter S. collects all things Wizard of Oz. Then I walk away from the table and I hear a women call my name. I turn around and its my Aunt N.!!! She lives about 8 minutes from my house in poe dunk Indiana and we both happen to be at B&N in "The Big City" on a week day. When we both work!! WTH? So I run over and I give her a hug. This Aunt was my shoulder to cry on during the preparation for my wedding. She helped me so much back then. And she was so surprised to see me as I was her. And she asked what are you doing down her? I said well I had a dr. appt. And then she raised an eyebrow and said aren't all your docs back home? And I said well I'm seeing a specialist. And then I could tell she got the drift then she asked me who I was seeing? And I told her Dr. B he is really good. And she said well you know that your Aunt D. (Another aunt on my dad's side by marriage) and I went to Dr. G. to get pregnant. I said well I kind of remember hearing little bits but I was a teenager and that all didn't register back then. And she then asked what I had done today. And I told her I had an HSG. And she said OMG!!! And your shopping? Are you crazy?!!! She told me hers had been soo painful! She just laid on the couch all weekend. I said yes it was terrible but I wanted to try and do some shopping while I was down her. Then she asked if I had eaten and I said no I had actually lied to my grandma and I told her I was meeting a friend for lunch!! And she said well I don't want you to lie to her!! So lets go eat! She took me to this great little Cafe that was dead!! It was quiet and cozy. And so we sat down and started talking about all of the trouble she had gone though to get my cousin S. My Aunt N. was 40 when she finally got pregnant. (She is 50 now) I knew back then that it was a big deal. But nobody in my family talks about infertility and so I never asked what her and my other aunt's infertility issues were. It always seems like the wrong place and time to bring it up. So I never did. Come to find out my Aunt N. has the same thing I have, PCOS! And she had to also have a cyst removed by surgery. But it was just soo amazing to sit down and talk to someone in my family about all this. I felt somewhat isolated because on both sides every body has babies and its just a given that your going to have them too. And when we weren't they all started bombarding us with the: "Your not getting any younger" or "Don't you want kids?" And we would always play it off. But it was soo hard!! My Aunt N and I talked about all the treatments she went through and the treatments that my other Aunt went though. It was amazing to hear it from someone else. I don't know why but I think I really needed all that on Thursday. It helped with the whole processing of emotions. I mean what are the odds that I would find the only blood relative that I have that has dealt with infertility in a city that big on her afternoon off. And who just happened to have time to spend the rest of the day talking about her wonky ovaries? And how similar our paths were but yet we never knew till that afternoon. I know this probably doesn't sound as wild to you as it does to me but I believe that everything happens for a reason and my bumping into my Aunt N. on that day wasn't a coincidence. I was finally able to sit down and talk to someone just like I would with my mom if my mom wasn't freaking nuts. My Aunt N. helped me with my wedding because my mom was going berserk and then after all that quieted down my Aunt and I hadn't really gotten to talk or catch up or anything. She knew that we must have been struggling because she knew how much I loved children. But she never saw a good opportunity to bring up the infertility conversation with me. And she knows how hard it is for me to not have a mother that I can talk too. I have a mom but my mother is very judgemental and believes that one of the reasons why the farmer and I haven't gotten pregnant is because of the sinful lives we have led... And the fact that I don't go to church anymore. My mother is the ultimate holy roller. I haven't really seen too many that could out do her. So because she believes the way she does. She also doesn't think that children that are conceived say through IUI or IVF or some other method other then "the marital bed" that they won't have a soul. Which I whole heartily disagree with!!!! So I just don't tell my mother ANYTHING!! I don't want her telling people my babies don't have a soul. But I still wish sometimes that I could talk to a woman about the pain of a procedure or the hopes that I have or the dreams or fears of all this. Because it is really hard to talk about some of this stuff with my hubby. But like I said I truly think God knew I needed my Aunt N. and he sent her and we had a beautiful afternoon talking about everything involved in this infertility journey. It was 5:30 when we left the Cafe. I didn't do any more shopping that night. Because I was to excited to tell Farmer everything that had happened.

That's it there ain't no more I hope you didn't fall asleep!! :)
Oh and from here on out I promise not to write this long of a post! I just had too many back stories to catch you all up on.

The Morning After...

O Lordy!! Well the first thing I want to say is: that I want to hunt down the man who created the Hystrosalpingogram and lay him on his side on a gravel road. Then run my Ford Expedition over his Mr. Winky about 4 or 5 times and that MIGHT come close to the pain I experienced!! I have never in my life been lied to like that. Mild Cramping? Oh HELL NO!!! I don't know if I'm just the biggest baby on all creation but I tell you I was crying!!

My day started out raining like crazy!! It poured the whole way to the radiologist. The office is an hour away so it was kind of nasty and lonely cause hubbs wasn't able to go with me. And I was under the impression that it was going to be a piece of cake with slight cramping and so I had grand plans of going shopping in the big city on my own with out hubbs. So I get to the office in plenty of time to get checked in and watch a little of the Today Show. Not that I could tell you anything they were even talking about. But I sat there. The whole way down I had prayed that I would get a women radiologist or at the very least an older man... I still have not had to show my junk to a male doctor and I think at least point I'm starting to get a complex about having to show my vag willy nilly.... Yes I know I shouldn't be a prude and if you met me you would find out that in every other facet of my life I am not a prude!! But when it comes to having people scoping out my lady bits I have always preferred to have a female. So when I had my consult with the RE I had made myself all nervous about showing the prudish vag to him but I was getting prepared and got it set in my mind that I was going to do it. But then he never checked her out!!! So her she was all prepared for nothing!!! So I fell back into my old ways of being a prude and was worried all about it. And then a lady came and called me and she was SOOOOO sweet!! She took me to the back and we sat down and she went over the whole procedure (she left out the minor little detail of the freight train exploding through my uterus and having to try and turn while it did so) And we chatted and I signed some papers. She told me that its just a glorified pad smear and she said the Doctor who performs the procedure is just AWESOME!! He really is!! (Did you see that? Yes she said HE!!!) And then I know the panic really set in. I then thought I better tell her that my favorite Aunt still hasn't completely gotten her things packed up to leave yet. And she said that it shouldn't be a problem. I told her how embarrassing that was for me. And she said it does happen pretty frequently and not to worry. She then led me to a dressing room and she gave me the gown and I came out and she had me hop up on the table. But they didn't have any stirupps which was odd. I thought if they are doing this procedure wouldn't it help them with getting in there... So she told me I would need to scoot all the way down to the edge and curl my toes over the end of the table... How terrible is that? Okay I thought whatever!! Then she said for the time being just stretch out and relax for now and I will return with the doctor. I'm still praying that I get the twin of Doctor Spook or something Any man over the age of 55 would be nice. And I'm still praying I hear the door open and the lovely little nurse says Mrs. Farmer this is Dr. H!! Oh Holy Lord in Heaven I almost fell off the table!!! I think she must have ran down to the GQ casting call and pulled him out of line!! It was like meeting Adonis! He was BEAUTIFUL!!!! And in a totally manly way too!! And now I thought for sure that I was going to die from embarrassment! Can I just pull this sheet over my head for the rest of this? But no we had to make SMALL TALK!! Then the doc is prepping and he looks at his tools and asks the nurse why she has the pediatric speculum out? I was totally confused! Then she said well I thought it would be easier on her... Then he said no I want to us the bigger one. Which then of course now I'm nervous and when I'm nervous I start acting stupid and I said hey doc what a way to make a girl feel comfortable!! Tell her you need a bigger speculum!! Wow that's priceless!! And he I think got embarrassed and said no I wasn't meaning your big. I just thought it would be harder on you cause we will have to clamp down a lot harder... And he didn't finish then he said actually the one I'm going to use is a medium speculum. Then I said I guess that makes me feel a little better!! I have never been a medium my entire life!! And then he and the nurse chuckled. But then it was time to introduce Dr. GQ to Ms Vag and I was at this point in full blown panic mode. And he was being gentle and cute and I was wishing I was any where but here and then it said your going to feel some slight pressure... (Bull shit it felt like he stuffed his fist in there with a grocery sack of broken glass!!) This is from the balloon. (WTH a balloon!! Nobody told me any thing about a balloon!! And then he said your going to feel some slight cramping!!! (Minor is what I had heard before, now your telling me slight cramping?!! I'm starting to think I came to a Sadistic Radiology Clinic) So the pain was freaking terrible and then while your writhing in agony they want you to roll over on each side and hold it so they can take a picture!!! Dear Lord I was in so much pain and they were being nice I do have to say. But it was NOTHING!!! Like I had expected. Dr. GQ was actually very nice once it was all over I was almost light headed from all the pain but he wanted to make sure I was alright. And then he showed me the pics and told me I looked all clear. It flowed all the way through. I do have a ovary floating waaay up in no mans land i didn't know they could do that. My left ovary is sitting right where its supposed to and my Right is floating around like a boob er on a fishing pole. It looked kind of weird but he said its normal. And he said I did good and wished me luck and walked out. And then the nurse helped me up she said I know this is going to sound gross but you might want to put your sheet between your legs when you get up... As you can only imagine there is all kinds of nastiness that will arrive as you rise and are up and about the rest of the day. I did it!! I survived and all I had to do was clean up and get the hell out!!

Public Service Announcement:
Please please please if you have to have one of these done ask your doctor for a prescription for some sort of pain medicine!! Even if you aren't a baby like me I would have rather been over medicated then under medicated. I was told to take 600mg of Advil. I took 800mg cause I'm a baby...

Oh and pack your personal preference of feminine protection also. They have that yucky hospital stuff but I wouldn't want to have to get stuck with that riding around in my pants till I got home.

I will need to tell you all the rest of the story tomorrow Because the day got pretty weird after I left the radioloigist. It's super weird but awesome all at the same time.

Panic Mode!!

Yes today is the day!! I have to go in for my HSG and I'm a tad bit nervous about it. I know I have been told not to worry about it. I have also been told that it’s not too painful. I have heard that the most pain you will be in is from the shot they give your cervix... But I soo nervous and I can't help it!! This is actually the first procedure I have had done regarding infertility. I have had several vag ultrasounds before but nothing besides that. So here we go!!! I'm going to be stepping into the unknown in a few hours. PRAY FOR ME!!!!

I tried to get this written yesterday but I have been so busy at work. Which is a geat thing!! Keeps my mind occupied but I wasn't able to tell all of you what was going on. So anyhoo please think of me today. Oh and one of the biggest reasons I'm so freaking nervous is that my Bloody Aunt Flow still hasn't freaking left town yet!!! Its not as bad as it was the other day but she is still hanging around and I know I'm going to be mortified in a few hours!!! So here we go....