My new baby

Well I know you all know its not possible for me to have actually had a baby. But I do have a new pet project that is becoming my baby. I'm working on it with some friends here in my home town. And I'm pretty excited about it. Actually I'm very excited about it. It has all come together so quickly and so smoothly. It feels like it was meant to be. I'm from a pretty small town and I still work in that small town. Although I live with my hubby, Mr. Farmer. In another county which is adjacent to my home county. So I feel like I'm still connected and I want to participate in this town more. So a couple of us girls were chatting on Facebook about how are town didn't have a book club. Yes I know its sad that we don't have a book club. But it is Midwest hometown USA so we aren't as up to the minute as the bigger cities. So we got our act together and 3 of us had a planning meeting and threw some ideas around and now we have it set. A real live book club!!! How awesome is that? I have a lot of dreams for this little pet project. I really think our town needs something like this. I know the women I'm acquainted with would love this. It's just something I wanted you all to share in. My friend Emily has been the driving force behind it all and she is good at it too. She has come up with the sweetest name. It's The Crimson Quill Society!! I love it!! She has done so much to get us set up. I'm stoked!! She even found a local author who wrote some short stories. So that is what we have to read before our 1st official book club meeting on Tuesday night. So I'm sure I will be keeping you all posted. Which that night also happens to be my next appt with Beth (the worlds greatest acupuncturist!!!) and so I'm going to be running around like a chicken with my head cut off that day and evening but I don't care. I really think I needed something to divert me from all this Infertility nonsense. Yes I called it nonsense because right now that's exactly how I feel about all this!!! Oh and I got my new patient packet from the RE. It had a TON of info in it. Question: Do all of your RE's have a "Patient Portal" ie Website for contact between the doctor & patient? This doctor has a web page for the patients to keep up with all the info and appointments, diagnoses etc. It even has an FAQ page! I had about 10 to 15 different pages to fill out on the website that was all my pertinent information. There is a place that the Doctor or nurse will send you messages and information. I'm really blown away by all this. Is this normal? I don't know if its just cause I'm a back woods country girl, that has never had this level of interaction with a doctor. But this is freaking fantastic!!!! Am I getting my hopes up to much for thinking this is going to be a world class doctors office?

Update

Well it went swimmingly!! I don't really know why I was soo worried. She has always been so kind and easy to talk to. So now you all know it went great I'll give you the low down.

I went in and got settled pulled out my 5 page chart and waited on her to come and stick me and then light me up like a Christmas tree on times square... (More on that later) And when she came in she saw the huge folded chart and knew that these last herbs hadn't made my bitch of an Auntie show up after all. So I hand it to her she asks how I have been doing? I said well over all I'm doing better then I was last week. I said last week was my birthday and I had a couple of melt downs. It wasn't good. Then she pulled it open and said I see. I document EVERYTHING!! I think you could call me a tad bit anal but I figure the more info I put on that thing the better. So she said whats wrong your only 27 now right? I said ONLY 27!! Yes but I always thought I would be a mom of a couple of kids by 27 or at least be Knocked Up. And I said well Farmer and I talked about it and he is wanting me to go see a specialist. Because he is thinking its been too long and I have to agree with him (ie Aunt flow hasn't been in town in almost 6mo!!!) And then I paused and waited for her to throw my chart at me and start screaming... (not really I knew she wouldn't be that bad.)And she said I totally agree with him!! It has been too long and she said I was actually going to have this same discussion with you after you started these new herbs. So then I felt the 500 pounds of bricks slide off my back and crumble to the ground. She said you look like the picture of health right now!! Your tongue is the prettiest tongue I have ever seen (This is how they diagnose for problems in traditional Chinese medicine. So no it wasn't a come on!!! Even though I do think my tongue is pretty hot!)She said 6 months ago it was not in good shape at all. She told me I had come a long way. And my pulse is stronger then she has ever felt on me. So overall there is no reasonable explanation for me not to be having a period. (Except that my body is so freaking stubborn that its not even funny.) So now the game plan is for me to finish these fancy nancy herbs that flew all the way in from California. And then come back in 2 weeks and well do another treatment and then she said she will probably try and get me back into her 1 more time before the RE and then we will wait and see what he says. She agrees with me that the acupuncture can only have made me healthier for finally getting pregnant. I have actually never felt as good health wise as I do now. So now I feel like everything is falling into place. I'm not pent up with emotions and I have made it almost 24 hours with out crying so that's a start right?

I can't think of a freaking title!!! How about that?

Well Ladies and gents I don't really know if there are any men reading this but if there are I will fill you in too!

I did it! I made the appointment this morning it was 9:30 am I called the Reproductive Endocrinologist's office and they were all so helpful. (Please let this be a good sign because I have left awesome Dr's in past. Because there staff were bitches!!!) And they were kind and answered all my questions. I'm nervous but excited. I really can't wait but I'm so scared to have to tell Beth (my acupuncturist) I knew she is probably beating her head against the wall trying to think of different herb combinations to give me. I just don't want to her to feel like I don't trust her. Oh I don't know if that's the phrase I'm looking for. I just need some advice on what to say and how to say it. My appt with Beth is tomorrow night. I know she has some new herbs that she had to have specially blended for me (again) So I think I will get through all these by the time my RE appt comes along. I don't want to stop seeing her. I want to keep her with me. She has really helped me in other aspects of my health and I think (Crossing my fingers here) that what she has helped me with, will in the end make me a healthier mama. So that the good news right now. My appt with the RE isn't till Sept. 24th so I have one full month to get KU and then I don't have to worry about having to show my coochie to a male dr. But the odds of that happening are slim to none!!! So here we go down another path in the glorious Infertility Journey!!!

Horrifying!!!! Shocking!!!! Terrifiying!!!!

Do you want to see the most horrifying picture on earth?







Well I think horrifying might be a little over kill! Ok maybe a lot of over kill!!




It’s just something that I think most women who are trying to conceive would think was horrifying. This is 5 pages taped together! This is what a 165 day cycle looks like! This is the reason I’m so upset by the whole PCOS thing and why I’m so depressed!!! I just thought you all should get a peek at what I have to look at every morning and afternoon!! I guess a girl with that long of a cycle should be entitled to a bitch session every once in awhile. Am I right? I haven’t had to buy any type of feminine protection since before spring!!! And it is now almost the END of summer!!!


My acupuncturist seems to think that since I have had a period during the time she has treated me that my body can do this naturally. And it needs to do it on its own. Not with the intervention of medications. So she is actually trying to heal me instead of make me have a period. Does that make sense? So in a way I agree with Beth (the greatest woman I have ever known) But something keeps tugging at my heart and saying: "Just go call the RE and see what he can do for you… It may take 6 months to get an appt. You wouldn’t have to give up on Acupuncture. Just do it together!" But then I feel guilty for thinking about giving up. Especially if the light at the end of this tunnel could be right around the corner. I don’t know what to do!!! I’m exhausted of waiting for my period to show up. I’m exhausted of watching my temps rise and fall and knowing that there is no way in hell there is going to be an ovulation. And that this whole cycle has been a bust. To be quite honest a waste of hope, worry, and temperatures. Please pray for me to be patient. I feel my heart getting heavier and heavier with each passing day. I had so much hope for trying to get pregnant through acupuncture but now I feel like I need to start revising my plans and looking into other avenues. I guess I should ask what would you do? Should I stick with this since I have invested so much time, energy and money? Or cut my loses and give up and try the RE? My husband really thinks I should stick with Beth for a little while longer because 1 I feel better (health wise) then I have in my entire life. 2 I sleep better and I have more energy. 3 I don’t have headaches like I used to anymore. And I know it’s because of acupuncture. So he thinks if I’m just patient it will all work out. I hope he is right!!

My goodness I let a week slip by and didn’t get back on here and update about my acupuncture appointment. For that I am truly sorry. But When I don’t hear the news I want to hear I tend to bury my head like an ostrich and wish I hadn’t heard it all. It’s almost as if I say the truth out loud then it’s true. But if I don’t talk about it or write about it then it can’t possibly be true. That’s logical right?

The herbs haven’t made me start. My patience is hanging on my by a thread. And now that thread is slowly beginning to unravel. I want this to work more than anything! Shouldn’t that be enough? She wants to start a different round of herbs this next week. She is having them specially blended for me at a pharmacy out west. This will be the 2nd batch that has been blended for me. I don’t want to go and do what I know is the next step. but yet I do want to take that step. I want it to be simple! I want to say let’s have a baby. And not have to debate with myself about the doctor I should choose or what medical procedure would be ethical for me! Why is it so damn hard for so many of us? I watch the bellies of the women in my small circle of friends slowly getting rounder and rounder as the weeks go by. And I notice myself quietly walking away from them lest my jealousy get the better of me. I don’t trust myself anymore. I’m happy for them but it eats at me in way I never thought possible.
This weekend I have a baby shower to attend that is for my cousin’s girlfriend. From the outside looking in she isn’t excited about it all. And I have to go and put a smile on my face and try not to give her the tongue lashing she deserves. I do fine with the women that I know are truly excited about the life growing inside them. But it’s the women I know that would much rather not be pregnant that drive me batty. I want to scream at them! Do you not understand the miracle you possess? The gift you are able to give? You can grow a baby!! I can only watch!!! Where is the justice in that?

I think a lot of the reason I’m so moody today is because I will turn 27 tomorrow. I had always imagined myself having at least 2 children by this age. It’s driving me insane knowing that I may not even have one child by the time I hit 30. I’m so depressed about this birthday for some reason. All week long I have just about come to tears thinking about it. I can’t control it. I ache for a child and now I’m no longer going to be in my mid twenties. I will hit the late twenties mark with no child in my arms or even in my belly!! It hurts so much. I’ve just always figured I would have kids. I knew it would take a little bit of time. But I never thought it would take this much. Or would have me turning into a jealous barren woman!!! And it doesn’t help that I have to hear my mother tell me that she had 2 kids by the time she was my age. Her sisters each had 3 and 4 by the time they were my age. I’m wasting time!!! I’m not getting any younger. And by the time we get around to it Farmer will be 40 when our kid goes to kindergarten! I have heard it all from my mother. She also seems to think the reason God isn’t blessing us with a child is because we “lived in sin” before we were married… God is punishing us!!! I swear all this is starting to wear my nerves thin. I believe in a loving God whereas my mother the Holy Roller that she is seems to disagree. Lord please forgive me for complaining, but your not making this any easier!!!!

A Stalemate

Yee Haw!!! Its Acupuncture day and I have been praying for a miracle. Well actually just recently I started praying for a miracle. I have been hoping for a looooooong freaking time but not praying. I guess it’s safe to say I have become one of those people that just pray when they want something…. (My mother would fall over dead if she read that sentence!) I’m not asking for much. Just for a period!! Is that too much to ask? I’m on cd155!!! I haven’t had a period in 155 days!!! I have sworn off using medications to make me start and now I feel myself starting to waver. I wanted this to work without medication. I have read a 101 success stories of women overcoming PCOS by acupuncture. And now I feel like my hope is fading. I just want a baby so bad and I really don’t know if I can hold out much longer. I’m feeling so frustrated about the whole thing. I know how wonderful I feel from going to acupuncture. My quality of life is so much better I just haven’t been able to have a period since the first month I started going to acupuncture. Now my female organs have entered into a stalemate. I don’t know what to do it end it. I tell myself if I give up now it will take at least a few months to get into the Reproductive Endocrinologist. And in that time frame I might have gotten pregnant if I had just stuck it out a little while longer. So I guess I have found myself between the rock and that hard place I always hear about. Hopefully I will have some answers tonight from the most understanding medical professional I have ever met in my life… I think all doctors need to start out practicing in Eastern Medicine for awhile just to learn how to relate to people and then after 5 years they could be let out to practice western medicine and or both. I have been so amazed at how my body has changed by what she has done. That is why I know deep down this works I just don’t understand why it’s taking so long for me!!!!

Being my Own Advocate

This summer is slipping by so quickly! Soon it will be harvest. And then very soon after that it will be our third anniversary!!! Time just seems to be speeding away from me. I never paid much attention to how quickly time flew until I got married. It seemed as if my weeks just drug along and the weekends seemed so far away. And now it seems like I lay my head down Sunday night and when I wake up its Friday morning again. I wish I could I slow it all down and just glide through a quite little week alone with my hubby!!!! But there are crops to spray, melons to pick neighbors to help, equipment that needs fixing, and animals that need to be feed... This is my great big excuse for being gone so long… Pathetic I know!!

To start out with I'm beginning to feel optimistic again, with this whole (in) fertility journey. My peace is coming back to me. And I don't feel so frantic about the fact that I'm still not pregnant. My acupuncturist has really helped me in more ways than one. I have never in my life felt as good as I do now. My head is clearer. I feel so much stronger and the energy I have now I never ever had before. Even as a teenager! I know the miracle I have been waiting for is still eluding me but I now know that I need this journey!! It will make me a healthier momma. And then in turn my baby will be healthier. I have revamped my whole life it seems. My energy levels are through the roof now. So I’m able to get things done, things I have been wanting to do on our house for years. Which I know once I had a baby to care for would never have gotten done. And another is I have added so many good things to my diet. I’m becoming so much more aware of my body. I love what is happening to me. And I know Farmer is noticing too. He doesn’t seem to mind the new food either. He’s gotten used to the “healthy” Pasta and the “healthy” Lettuce. I hated doing it to him but I know its best.

I’m reading so much about the problem that I have and have been living with for several years now. I want to become as informed as I can be. I don’t want to just walk into a Fertility Specialist office and have him shoot me up with a bunch of drugs that aren’t going to solve the problem. So the latest books on my night stand have been the following:

The New Glucose Revolution to Living Well with PCOS by: Dr. Jennie Brand-Miller M.D. & Dr. Nadir R. Farid

The Infertility Cure by: Randine Lewis

Taking Charge of Your Fertility by: Toni Weschler (Every woman needs to read this book it really should be required reading in High School!!!)

I’m trying to spend as much time learning about my uterus and ovaries as most people spend researching for their vacation or a new car. I feel like women as a whole aren’t taught to become informed about their bodies and its quiet scary. I spent more time looking for the right dress for my wedding then I did for my 1st gynecologist!! Why aren’t we taught to be more informed? I hate that I was never told to learn for myself about my health.
I’m learning to be my own advocate. And my hope is that more women will learn to do the same.
I promise I didn’t sit down thinking that this is where my story was going to go but that is where it went. I will try and keep up on blogging I have had too long of a vacation. I have missed it. I will also write more about how our life has been changing with the new plans my acupuncturist has been giving me. More to come later!!!

Nothing that a big slice of Banana Bread can't fix

Yes I'm a firm beliver in Soul Food. Only my soul food may be a tad differant than most!! Yes I'm sitting here typing with greasy buttery fingers and munching on Banana bread. I had lunch with a close friend of mine today. A friend I don't talk too much about the whole infertilty thing. I usually avoid conversations about infertility with just about everyone I know. Because i have this huge phobia of crying in public places. I just don't make a cute crier... Never Have. I'm one of those blubbering idiots that turns purple and has snot pouring out the nose. Its quite dreadful. Anyway where was I going with this? I can't remember...

Well as of this past acupuncture session she said my progress is slowing down. She isn't sure why. She said it surprised her at first at how well I responded in the beggining. And now I guess I've come to a screeching halt with no explanation as to why. I'm in a pretty good mood other then the fact that I thought I was getting better and now I don't think I am. I even thought that I ovulated. My chart showed it!!! But I have yet to see my horrible aunt. She must be on vacation!!! So my cycle is streching out before me with no end in sight!!! I've tested twice and they were both negative so I guess I'm at my rock in a hard place for now. But I'm so surprised at how I'm handling it. This last acu session really did something. I feel pretty postive. Just like this is just a phase not the end of the world. Where as 6 months ago I probably would be spastic right now. But I'm okay!! Not fantastic but I'm dealing with it. I have my banana bread and my nestie girls and blog girls and I know its going to get better I just have to be patient. And keep up with the soul food. :)

I'm blue like my favorite donkey

I'm feeling a little like Eeyore today. I'm 17dpo and No Aunt Flow in sight!! I have my acupuncture appt tonight. I tried my darnedest to not test till after I talked to her to see if I should. I didn't want to get my hopes up cause I knew it would be negative. But I did it!!! I peed on that damn stick this morning and it was negative!! I knew it would be before I even pulled the damn test out of the box!! But I pulled it out anyway and wasted it!!! I wasted a perfectly good "expensive" test on satisfying my curiosity!!! I'm not even going to buy more. That was the last test I had in my house and I'm not bringing anymore home until my acupuncturist tells me to get one and test. And even then she would know before I would by my pulse. I don't know why I did that to myself. I was awake at like 4:30 thinking about how awesome it would be to get a positive today because Farmer was out in the semi hauling grain. And I pictured my self jumping into my truck in my night gown, matching slippers and fuzzy robe. Tracking him down stopping him outside of the grain bin and showing him my positive test and jumping up and down on the side of the road. Then announcing it on the radio to his papa and friends hauling grain with him. That he was going to be a daddy. But that didn't happen. I got dressed and drove to work and have been a crab ass all day long. I should apologize to the guys here but oh well I'm not going to right now.

Hopefully she will have some good news for me tonight!!!! I'm headed out right now for my appointment.

Eastern Promises

Well I haven't updated for a while. I think I was in a funk. I wasn't getting pregnant! The damn Clear Blue Easy Fertility monitor wasn't making the whole process "Easier!" I just thought I would avoid talking about it. Cause maybe if I don't talk about it and don't write about it maybe it will get better... Nope that didn't help!! But I was still checking in on an infertility board with other women who have some of the same health issues I have. They chatted about all kinds of things. They could always make my day when I was feeling down and out. Then they started talking about acupuncture. And I was interested. I had never realized that acupuncture could help women with infertility problems. It just had never crossed my mind. I had just started to talk myself into going back to my doctor to get my prescription for Clomid. Which I had turned down the last time I was in there. I was so scared to get on any type of medication. I knew my body could do this I just didn’t know how to get it to that point. So that afternoon I read about the acupuncture I grabbed my local phone book and found an office in the town I live in and made an appt. Then the next day I logged on again and there were several girls talking about doing a sister match-up. So I thought you know I should do this. I can't really share what is really going on with anyone else in my life. No one I know truly understands what this is like. I singed up and ended up being matched with a WONDERFUL sister. Who actually was doing acupuncture also!! It was so wild I really felt hope for the first time in all this mess. I knew I could do this. Somehow!!! Well my sister and I started talking everyday she even had connections to a town near by. Even though she lives on the other side of the country I feel like I can share all this with someone who truly understands.

My first appointment was March 2nd I was sacred to death!!! I’m not the biggest fan of needles. Quite frankly I’m afraid of them in a little kid kind of way. So I kept having this reoccurring dream of me laying on a little bitty bed, naked with a tiny little sheet just covering the necessary bits in a big empty room. With a hundred or so needles placed in every inch of my body even in the soles of my feet. Then I would hear these rumbles and then the walls would start to shake and I then would realize its an earthquake!!!! And I can't move because I have a hundred's of needles sticking out of my flesh. Then as the earthquake ensued I would try to get up and yank out all my needles but my clothes were gone!! So all I had was this little tiny sheet!! I would start to panic and then I would wake up!!!

So needless to say I was quite worried about my 1st appt. But it went SOO well!!! So when I went in to the little room and sat down it wasn't at all as I had envisioned so that was good :) And when she came in it was like a peace fullness just followed her in. She has this calming affect ist amazing!!! She then asked me a couple questions then told me to stick out my tongue. She could tell instantly that I'm a worrier!! Now who would have thought that? Then she looked again at my tongue and at my eyes and she knew what kind of past health problems I have suffered from!! I was speechless!! She was right on the money!! She asked me a bunch of questions (I had also started charting in the last 2 weeks before I had gone so I showed her my chart too) and we talked about my PCOS and the lack of menstration and other things that had gone on health wise for about a half hour. And then she said that she would only work with me for 4 months so after that if it didn't work she didn't want to keep taking my money. I was shocked at that. She said if you don't improve in that time frame then this will not help you. You will need to know what your next step will be.
So I said okay all. I want to exhaust all my "natural" choices first then try the medications and what ever else my western doctors have up their sleeve. So I said lets do this thing!! She laid me down and it wasn't at all what I had expected. She placed maybe 7 or 8 needles in me. They were so tiny I couldn't even feel them. They weren't in the soles of my feet so I'm sure if there was an earthquake I could run. Not to mention I was FULLY DRESSED!!! YIPEE!! So I was happy about that. Then she said I'm going to leave you here for about a half hour so relax. Close your eyes and breath normally. And I did I even fell asleep!!

After I had laid there for the half hour she came in took the needles out and said she was going to give me some herbs. And I said okay. I went home and took my herbs and then within 5 days I had my present from Mother Nature!!! It was so weird it had probably been at least 4 years since I had a natural menstration. I was floored. I went back a week 7 days after the 1st appt. And told her and she was so happy. She was actually surprised how quickly my body is trying to heal it self!!! So Ive been back a total of 4 times and tomorrow is my 5th visit she has put me on 2 different herbs and I feel so much better I have soo much energy. My skin, eyes, nails every thing looks better. Food even tastes different. I even feel happier and I have more peace in my soul then before. I swear this has really done something to me that I can't explain. I don't want to understand it. I just want to experiance it and I pray it never changes.

With my charting it has shown that I'm possibly at a high point in my fertility and I really think I may have ovulated in the last 24 hours or so. So I'm really praying that I did!!! So thats my update I will try and do better about blogging from here on out. I'm not depressed about the lack of a child like I was before. I was really getting into a dark place. It was really starting to overwhelm me I think. But this accupuncture is a God send it really is. I don't think its for every one. In fact I have only told a very select few I've even done it. But I really think our bodies minds, and souls are more intwined then what I ever thought before.