Valued Blogger

My greatest Bloggy friend Marla just nominated me for this wonderful honor and I so I'm going to do the same...

Thank You VERY VERY Much Marla!!!!

Here are the rules:

1.Tell your readers how your journey into blogging began. Be as verbose or shy as you like.

2.Pick 3-5 fellow bloggers whom you adore and write what exactly it is you value about that person or their blog. The more you write about them the better. This is a chance to really appreciate your blog friends who have been there with and for you through thick and thin.

3.Let the blessed winners know they have been awarded.

That's it. Those are the rules. Now, before you think you can give the old line, "I don't want to pick anyone to pass this award onto because I don't want my readers to feel hurt if I don't pick them, so consider yourselves all tagged" I want you to realize that excuse tells all of your blog friends that you are wimping out, amongst other things. ;) Don't feel bad that you can't award everyone, the award will make its rounds and eventually everyone will get it. If you feel bad enough, you can always award more than 5 bloggers.


I started my blog after reading the blog of a local woman in my home town. She wrote about her kiddos and just everyday life with 5 babies!!! She was an inspiration. Then from her blog I linked to another local women who had triplets and was a farmers wife and her story just spoke to my soul!! I never thought about how amazing the everyday occurances where in life until I had someone put them up on a screen with pictures... It really got me thinking how much fun it would be to document everything from the everyday mundane to the huge screw ups I usually get myself into. I loved how she wrote and I loved how this Farmers wife put pictures with her story. I wanted that too. But I was scared to death to be as open with my whole story and my life as she was. I wondered how she got so many readers. I was amazed by this whole world of blogs that I had never realized exitsited outside of my soy bean fields. So I slowly started to post somethings. I went on hiatus a couple times when I just couldn't think of what people wanted to read. So I wouldn't write anything. But I kept reading my blog roll and thats how I found
The Pioneer Woman and my whole world imploded on me. She was me exactly, except that she is skinny and red headed and is able to produce children and they don't have crops they have cattle but her life mirrored mine somewhat. I read every chapter of her Black Heels to Tractor Wheels and I was hooked she kept me begging for more and it was then that I realized I shouldn't be looking for what people want to read... I should blog about what I enjoy writing and taking pictures of. Just worry about being me and not anyone else.


Now onto the blogs...

I am picking 3 because making clicky links is not my forte! But I read soo many blogs and I love so many!! But these are 3 that have touched my soul recently. They have been though a lot lately and I really would like you all to show them some extra loving!!!

1.) The Circus Princess This women has such a beautiful soul! I hate that she is going through such a horrible loss. But she is surfacing and slowly coming to a better place. She is dealing with IF in Europe and her husband is also serving our great country and I take my hat off to her she is a trooper!!! Circus Princess you are my hero!!! I'm praying for you and and your hubby.

2.) Sass Oh where do I begin with Sass? She is a girl I would love to have as my next door neighbor!! She seems like such an awesome indivdual who I could just sit and chat with! Oh and drink Chocolate milk with too. Her posts are so heart warming. But recently her grandmother was diagnosed with cancer and Sass is under quite a bit of stres with that and her mama not being very nice towards her right now. Sassy I'm thinking of you dear and sending you lots of Chocolate milk hugs!!! And wishing you could come and do farming things with me... :)

3.) Kacy at Infertility Instability is a fellow farmers wife she knows the ups and downs of living on a farm with a man whose whole world is tied to the land. I love having some one else who is in the same boat as I am. She recently has suffered a loss and also just celebrated her birthday and is just not in a good place right now. I hope and pray that she can sail through the darkness she is in and come through all this stronger. I know she will I just hate seeing so many strong women brought to their knees with IF!!

So please visit my friends and give them a cyber hug (comment)

And thank you muchly Marla for nominating me for this award even though it took me soo stinking long to post it!!!!

Love and Hugs too you all!!!

Fur Babies: Missy

This is one of our 3 kids. She is the most spoiled of all three. She is the princess and she won't let anyone think any different.

Missy is our lovely little brat that came to us when I was pretty sick a couple years ago. She was a barn cat in my sister in law's horse barn. It was a hot nasty summer and I was having a lot of health issues they couldn't solve. I would faint anytime I was standing upright for a short period of time. So they took my driving privileges away and I really couldn't do anything but sit on the couch or lay on the bed all day. I couldn't go to work because I fainted too many times there. And they were worried about my safety, So I stayed home all day. It got pretty lonely. And my sister in law brought up the idea of my getting a cat! She said she had the cutest little gray fuzz ball that needed somebody to love it. But there was one small problem, I hated cats!! I absolutely abhorred felines!! I was a holy terror to the cats at my parents house growing up. So I thought why in the hell would I want a cat now? My sister in law kept saying it would help me pass the time and I wouldn't be soo lonely since Mr. Farmer was working in the fields all the time. But I still didn't like the idea. And she said this little kitty needs somebody to take it! It's too pretty to be a barn cat!! Mr. Farmer and I both kept saying NO!!! And then one night my Hubbs and I were at his parents home. Mr. Farmer's sister called him and asked us how long we were going to be down there and he said for a little while why? She said just hang out till I get there. So when she gets to the house our niece jumps out of the truck with a little gray cotton ball in her hands. And then his sister comes around the front of the truck with a bag of cat food and says here... They dumped her in my arms and I actually have to say I think it was love at first for that little shit!!! She was soo cute!!! Little beady blue eyes. And my mothering instinct took hold of me. I had to take care of this little booger cause all her little mates were getting trampled by the horses and she was just too darn cute to live in a barn for the rest of her kitty kat life... So I became the proud parent of a kitty. But mind you I have never and will never be a "Cat Person" I am a "Missy Person!" But NEVER a Cat Person!!! It was soo funny because the whole thing ended up being a set up!! Mr. Farmer's Mama had already bought a kitty litter pan and litter for my little booger and she also had a big bag of feed for little Miss Pissy Pants. So we we were had!!!





Missy became my little buddy. She never left my side when I was sick. When I was in the hospital she would hide until I came home. And then return to her normal routine of sitting on me or as close to me as possible for 24 7. She was the one thing/person I could vent all my frustrations too when the doctors couldn't figure my symptoms out. I'm not saying I couldn't talk about all this to Mr. Farmer. I just didn't want to complain to my hubby all the time. I knew he was under a lot of pressure. We were newlyweds his father had just had a stroke and here I was not able to stand for 10 minutes without ending up on the floor. So I did a lot of venting to the cat. She could take it. And when she had heard enough bitching and moaning she would just roll over stretch, yawn and fall asleep.



But I felt better having a beating heart near me. It made me feel like I was needed. And for the most part pretending like they needed me even though I wasn't a whole lot of use to anybody at that point in time. She was my anchor to sanity and that's a lot to write about a cat but its true. I had some dark days back then. But with the help of my kitty kat and my hubby they got me though it. It was 6 long months of endless tests and crazy miss-diagnosis. Thank God all that's over!! That's been almost 3 years ago and now Missy Pissy cat won't sit with me anymore. She loves her daddy a lot more then me. But I like to think of her as just being in her teenage years right now:) One day she will be my buddy again. She still follows me around everywhere. She just won't sit on my lap as often as she used to.


She watches TV with me all the time... This one looks like she didn't want me to change the station :)

Who would have thunk it!!!!

I never thought I would type this much less think it!!
Last night I was preparing for bed. I'm a creature of habit. Its pretty bad. I have to do certain things in a certain order or I just dont feel right. Yes I know that is OCD type behaviour... So last night I had washed my face and got ready to pull my meds, sharps containter, alcohol prep pads etc out of the cabinet and set up my little drug station to inject my meds... Then it hit me that I wasn't going to be doing that again. Not tonight and not for a good while!! I was really out of sorts almost. I felt like I had gotten told all over again that my cycle was cancelled. But this time I thought screw it!! I'm not going to cry about this again!! These hormones aren't going to keep kicking my butt! So I put my meds back in the cabinet and sat down. Then I saw the box of opk's! And I remembered reading how all the girls on the nest would do an opk right after trigger. And I actually thought that sounded desperate at the time to be quite honest. But I thought Fu$k it!! I'm going to pee on a stick!! I have stacks of those darn opk's and I will actually see two lines for a change. So I did it!! It ended up being the highlight of my day!! I peed on that stick and within seconds it was changing. I never in a million years thought that I would get a positive opk. So that was a good boost for the spirits at least. I didn't tell hubby I thought he would think I was nuts for wanting to waste them. But hey its good to know they weren't a bad batch after all!!! I was actually starting to wonder. I have probably peed on a hundred of them and never once saw 2 lines. But not this time!!!

I took a picture with my cell phone so its not a good quality picture! This is the first time I have ever taken a picture of my urine! I'm so glad I got to share this milestone event with you all!!

Cancelled

I hate that word. I never thought to much about my use of the word cancelled until this week. And now that's the only word I can think about...

It's official my cycle has been cancelled due to lack of growth. My E2 level was at a 121 this morning but my follies never grew. Friday my E2 was at 92 so that jumped pretty well. I had around 15 to 20 follies on each side but they weren't even to the 10mm mark. The 2 good ones I had, never got any bigger then they were last week. I'm disappointed and frustrated. I can't see how women have gone through this cycle after cycle after cycle. I'm so depressed today. I don't want to do it again but I know I have to. We can't do a cycle in December because ovulation will most likely fall around Christmas. And they said that is too stressful and Christmas Eve and Christmas day are the only 2 days they are closed. So now we are being pushed back to at least the first of January for the next medicated cycle.

We have to talk about our plans. It's cheaper to do an IUI we just don't know how we feel about it.

I have to give myself the Ovidrel shot at some point today to get my body to the luteal phase . I almost don't even want to bother with it. But she says it will bring on my period. So Supposedly in the next 2 weeks I will start. So that's that!

Karma is a Bit@h!!!

I think my whining from the other day about the fact that I feel like I'm being taken advantage of has woken up mean Mama Karma... She has shown her ugly face!!!!

Yesterday I was so upset about my appointment I couldn't even drive back to work. Yes I had to work on black Friday... But that is beside the point. I went in to the practically dark medical office, all the offices in the building were closed except Dr. B's and take my seat. I tend to arrive as early as possible for my monitoring appts so I can get out of there asap and drive back to work 30+ minutes. So I slip into the waiting room and sit down. On the weekends/Fridays Jane the Receptionist isn't there. So I wait for the Nurse Prac to come out and see me waiting. While waiting I start hearing a baby cry. A BABY CRYING!!! That should have been the first inclination that I had that this appointment was going to go sour... So I think maybe its a woman... Yeah right there isn't anything here that would make a woman cry like that!! Some idiot woman has brought her child to an INFERTILITY CLINIC!!! Pardon my french: But WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I just read my magazine and try and focus on the article I'm reading and the kid just keeps making noise. This time I'm figuring out that it is probably a toddler. Cause I can hear someone trying to reason with him/her. So I'm still sitting alone in the waiting room. Then 2 couples walk in and take a seat and my Nurse Prac. Finally comes out and says it may be just a little bit. A while later she calls me for blood work. I walk back in to the hall. And it smells like someone has just had a poop party right in the ultrasound room or right outside it. So I walk back to the blood draw room. By now its wafting through the whole freaking place. I was actually starting to wonder if I stepped in some sort of animal excrement when I left my good ole country home... But then I surely would have smelled that on the 40 minute drive right? So I sit down and the tech runs back down the hall and I hear her spraying some sort of chemical and then I realize she is spraying Lysol... I said what happened? I asked if someone got the shit scared out of them in the ultrasound room? And she said no. For some reason this girl ahead of me brought her child. He had dropped a deuce in the hallway. But I guess it was a major production and the mama instead of going out of the office to the public restroom changed him on the floor in front of the blood draw station!!!! Please tell me that doesn't just freak you out a little bit?
The tech tried to tell her to go out to the public hallway but the mother refused!! The tech told her there was a baby changing station out there also. But the mother just said no the floor will be fine....

So I get my blood drawn and then had to go back out to the waiting room because this woman had such a huge mess to clean up. And then she ended up putting us other girls behind on our US because she brought her child with her. But get this: she also had her mother with her. So Why wouldn't you have had your mom wait outside in the car or downstairs in the hospital/public waiting area with your child instead of bringing him up here to run around in front of a bunch of infertile women?

When they finally got her squared away and she left I got to get my ultrasound done. This was when the fun began...

She started with my left ovary. I was pretty sensitive and I was praying that it was a good sign. She had a funny look on her face and then she squinted and bit her lip and then I asked is there anything going on in there? And she said well... We have one follie at 10mm... I then asked if that was the same follie and she said yes. And then she roamed around all over that side and said that's it. You don't have anymore growth or anymore that could catch up at this point. Then she said lets take a look at the right side... It wasn't any better the same one from the other day was still at 8mm. So she looked some more and then said she was finished. At this point I felt like the walls were shrinking. My ears felt muffled and I thought an elephant had just landed on my chest. She started to clean things up I asked her will I grow anymore before the next appt? And she said I will need to check with Dr. B but there may not be another monitoring appt. Based on your blood work we may have to cancel this cycle... WTF???!!!! I then started to cry and she said your blood work may show that your levels are high so he may do one more appointment. But I can't guarantee that. He wants us to be up front and honest with our patients and not lead them on... I was crying pretty hard by now. I couldn't understand all of the information she was giving me. Something about not wanting old eggs or old follies or something. And how were are getting to the end of the perfect time frame. Then she said don't
worry you may very well be back here on Sunday. And if not there is always the next cycle!!! I will call you before noon to tell you what he said and how your blood work came back. Then she asked if I had anymore questions. I couldn't think of any. And she left. I just sat there bare assed on the table and cried! I thought about Mr. Farmer, his Mama. I thought about how I had planned on telling our parents at Christmas. I thought about the empty bedroom in our house waiting for a child and all its little play things to fill it. And then I realized I had to call my hubby and tell him what she said. And I still had to walk out into a waiting room full of hopeful patients. With my eyes and nose beat red. So I blew my nose and got dressed. I wiped the mascara off my check and tried to make myself presentable. I walked out and wrote the check in a daze. And then when I filled out the amount I felt like I did this! I complained about the price of all these appointments and now I may not have anymore!!! Why did I do that? What is another $500 if it fills my arms up?

I got down the hall and out the elevator with no problems but as I walked out the front door a brand new daddy was loading up all the gifts from his wife's hospital room. I lost it! He even had to have a freaking Carhart coat on and a John Deere baseball cap!! What is God doing to me? I cried all the way to my truck. I sat down in my seat and this daddy was loading everything into the SUV and then checked to make sure the base for the car seat was secure. I couldn't watch! But it was like a car accident I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He was readying everything for the ride home.

I backed out and the tears just gushed and gushed. I felt so guilty for being so petty about the money. And for not trying harder. I wasn't sure what else I was supposed to do but I just felt like this was my fault. I called Farmer. He couldn't understand me for the most part. He just kept saying we will get though it and take it one day at a time. Don't worry! We always make it though... Don't cry! I think he felt bad about not making it to that appt. But as far as we both knew it was just routine monitoring.

Colleen called me around 10:30 and said that my Estrogen levels were at 92 and they like to see them at 100 for ovulation. And because my levels were rising Dr. B was giving the girls one more chance to prove them selves. He won't up the dosage of Gonal-F because he doesn't like to do that twice in one cycle. So Sunday morning I go back for my monitoring appt. I'm praying very hard for my girls to wake up and grow!! I don't know what else to do!

I'm sorry this was so long I just had to get it all off my chest.

Because Marla told me too...

No not really I had to just get the details figured out in my head before I told you all what had happened this morning. My appt was this at 8:30am I knew I wasn't going to get the news I had hoped for. I just had that feeling in my gut... Maybe it was my slow growing follies that were giving me that feeling! Well what ever it was it was right. She said that with PCO (Collen always leaves off the S or D which always leaves me hanging... I just want to yell at her to use one or the other!!!) some women will respond slowly at 1st with FSH. And then all at once they can explode into full blown mature follies and there would end up being too many. So on Monday I had follies that weren't even 10mms they were in the 4,5, 6 and 7 range. Now today I have 1 single follicle on the left that is at 10mm and several still under the 10mm mark. And then on my right ovary the largest I have is an 8mm. With some little ones along with it. I'm not even growing at the normal rate of 2mm a day. But they still want me to keep coming back every other day!... Am I just whining? Does it seem like they are just milking me for more money? It could be the hormones talking and I know I need to be tested but if they know I'm not going to have mature follies by Friday then why did they need to see me today? They knew Monday that they would have to see me on Friday!!! I realize this isn't about the money it's about getting me pregnant but I do feel a little like I'm being taken advantage of. Just because I didn't go with the IUI plan. Which is a flat fee. And all the monitoring appts are included in that flat fee. So are the hormones making me paranoid? Or am I just a money tree? I'm a little perturbed because I think it would be better to use these monitoring appointments when I actually have something to freaking monitor!! Please help me see why I feel this way. Or is this how all RE's office's treat their PCO(S) patients?

What not to say to a hormone induced cazy women!!

My nurse from Dr. B's called me yesterday afternoon and said that he wants me to up my dose of Gonal F to 150 iuis and then come back on Wednesday. Oh and my follies weren't 10mms!!! They were BELOW 10mms!! What the hell!!! She does realize I'm on hormones and I could find out where she lives? Right? Then she has the nerve to tell me that this is cycle is just to see how I do on the medication!!! So the next cycle they will now where to start me out at!!! WOW!! Now you tell me!!! I'm so glad to know that all this money was just in vain!! I guess I was mistaken! Thinking this was a cycle that could truly work.... Well it could she said. Not too convincingly of course. I then asked do you actually have women who get pregnant on the 1st medicated cycle? And she said yes it does happen... So I'm just a tad frustrated today. I'm 99% sure its the hormones but I just wish they would have been more doom and gloom before they had me all jacked up on this shit!!! Oh and I fricking bruised my stomach really bad last night. That was the 1st time I have gotten a bruise from the shots. If I'm feeling brave I might post a pic but I'm soooo bloated today that I should be wearing the maternity pants I bought last week when I was so optimistic... Ahh the innocence I had last Sunday... Ha ha ha!!! Nurse Tena from Kentucky with her sweet southern drawl shattered it all for me!!!

Oh and she also told me I won't likely trigger until after the weekend!! So there goes another thousand dollars out the window!!! I'm trying to be positive about this cycle but when your nurse isn't positive about it how am I going to be?

Welcom ICLWers!!!!

I'm sorry I have been MIA this weekend. Welcome to my crazy blog!! I will catch you up a bit if your new. I appreciate your stopping by and I can't wait to meet you all via your blogs!!

I'm a twenty something farmer's wife I live in BFE Indiana (USA) with my hubby, Mr. Farmer and our 3 fur kids Missy the cat, and Maggie & Buddy the dogs.
We have been TTC with PCOS since early 2008. We have just started treatment with an RE this past Septemeber and I'm currently in the middle of my first Medicated cycle with Timed Intercourse. I'm on Gonal-F and Ovidrel. I'm extremley weepy and bloated this week so please be nice! :) Hormones are rough!!! I'm curently on CD 11 and just had my first monitering appt this morning and I have about 10 to 15 follies on each side. They are all at about 10mm each so I go back on Wednesday for my next appt.

Gonal-F

Mmm Where do I begin?

I started my shots Tuesday night. It wasn't bad! It burned when the needle was in but other then that it wasn't too terrible. I actually couldn't feel the prick at all! Now the side effects are a WHOLE different ball of wax. I have been sick to my stomach since Tuesday evening. I'm too stubborn to get a prescription for nausea. Colleen the overly informative Nurse Pract. was really trying to push giving me a script. But I just asked what over the counter stuff can I use. So she cleared me to use Pepto sparingly and Tums too. Oh and too keep my belly full with protein rich foods! So I'm working on that. And I'm quite Moody!! I'm not usually that way. But I'm just a little grumpy today! But you know it may just be cause my belly hurts. But other then the belly hurting and a little bit of bloating it's not been too awful to be on FSH!!!

Last night we found out that Mr. Farmer's Mama may need a blood transfusion. So Hubby was sifting through all our important papers trying to find out what his blood type is. We both thought he would have had to have had his blood tested when he was a baby but we haven't found the papers yet. But we do know that I am a match to his mama so I called Dr. B. and he gave me the go ahead to give as much as I could. So if Mr. Farmer doesn't end up being a match I can at least help her out a little... Keep your fingers crossed that she won't need to do it. They say it could be very hard on her system to have a blood transfusion but her platelets are getting lower and lower. So we shall see tomorrow. Pray Pray Pray for her. She got hooked up to her chemo pack yesterday afternoon. For her 2nd round of chemo. And then tomorrow they will take her back off it and do blood work and some other tests to see how everything looks. So keep my family in your thoughts and prayers the next couple days please!!

Love & Hugs
Mrs. Farmer

wedding re hash

I stole this from Rain @ raining raining In honor of Mr. Farmer and I's 3rd anniversary I thought I would share some little stories about our wedding. I loved every minute of it!

1 .Where/how did you meet: We were set up. I met my Hubbs through his Mama!!! She and I got our nails done by the same girl and the Nail tech thought we would be perfect for each other. So she set up our appointments back to back so we could meet. I loved his mama when I met her. She was so funny and sweet. I gave her my number and said he if is interested in me he can call me... And that's how it happened!

2. How long have you known each other: almost 8 years!

3. How long after you met did you start dating: Well he called me on Feb 13th and asked to take me out to dinner and we meet that following weekend. We didn't say we were officially dating for a couple weeks

4. How long did you date before you were engaged: Oh man I think it was close to 2 years I think.

5. How long was your engagement: almost 2 years

6. How long have you been married: 3 years today!!!!

7. What is your anniversary: Nov 18th

8. How many people came to your wedding reception: close to 400

9. What kind of cake did you serve: Cheese Cakes!! We had Turtle, snickers, Chocolate chip, pumpkin spice, apple, Cherry, Strawberry, and then plain cheese cake with different sauces.

10. Where was your wedding: In a very old Church out in the country near where we live. I went to it as a child. It was beautiful!!

11. What did you serve for your meal: BBQ!!! We had 4 hogs smoked and we had a bar B que for our reception!! We also had turkey smoked too. It turned out awesome!! Also there was a TON of beer! What is a country wedding without beer and bbq?

12. How many people were there in your bridal party: 10 adults and 2 kiddos

13. Are you still friends with them all: Yes

14. Did you or your spouse cry during the ceremony: Mmm I don't think he cried he had a couple tears glistening in the corner of his eyes. I cried a couple times.

15. Most special moment of your wedding day: Probably when it was just he and I driving alone to the reception. It was silence for a few minutes and we could just be alone in all the commotion

16. Any funny moments: Oh we had a bunch!! One of the ones I don't want to forget was the night before at the rehearsal. He and I were standing at the altar and the deacon was going over the lighting of the unity candle. And he was talking about what to do if it didn't light. Then Mr. Farmer said: "Well I'll just flick my dick out... He meant to say: "I'll just flick my bic out!!" Bic being a lighter! I snorted and coughed... Then I started to turn purple I was laughing so freaking hard. Not many people could hear what he had said. But my dad, the deacon and my matron of honor heard it. But the 2 of us couldn't contain the laughter we had the giggles the rest of the night. Then we laughed again during the ceremony when we were lighting the candle for real. Here we were supposed to be serious and were snickering at this momentous occasion...

Oh and my husbands sister, brother in law and cousins came to our house and did a chivary. It's where your friends or family play pranks on you and sometimes they can end up being kind of mean... But they just did a whole lot of harmless pranks. We pulled into our driveway and we had an "Its a boy" sign in the front yard. They filled our bed with salt, they took all of our under ware and my bras and put them in the deep freeze. They filled out salt shakers with sugar. Took all the labels off the can goods. set all the alarms to go off at an 1 hour intervals after 1 am. Turned the volume up on everything. Put Vaseline on the toilets seats. Took all the toilet paper and towels and hid them. It was funny but maddening.

17. Any big disasters: The bread didn't get brought by the caterers for some reason. So at the last minute I had family members all over town buying bread!! Oh and the reception hall charged everyone for soda for the 1st half hour or so but was giving away the alcohol!! It was supposed to be an open bar!

18. Where did you go on your honeymoon: My brother was home from Iraq so we didn't go anywhere for a honeymoon so we could spend time with him.
19. How long were you gone: N/a

20. If you were to do your wedding over, what would you change: I wouldn't have spent so much on my dress!! And I wouldn't have picked out such thin, sleeveless dresses for my bridesmaids... What was I thinking it was November?!! And I probably would have had a different DJ cause he didn't play the one song I really wanted to dance in my big poofy dress. My dream was to dance the Rocky Top. Which is a tradition at all the local weddings and I grew up dreaming of dancing the Rocky Top with my Hubby on my wedding night. But he didn't play it and I didn't realize it didn't get played till we were driving home.

21. What side of the bed do you sleep on: on the right (as I'm laying in the bed)

22. What size is your bed: Queen

23. Greatest strength as a couple: We don't take things too seriously. We are both pretty laid back. Things don't shake us up too much.

24. Greatest challenge as a couple: Probably us being too laid back!! ;)

25. Who literally pays the bills: Well I usually write them out and mail them... :) Does that count? He is the bread winner. My paycheck goes for our retirement and health insurance. Then I buy groceries and gifts and things.

26. What is your song: When Somebody Loves You By: Alan Jackson

27. What did you dance your first dance to: When Somebody Loves You By: Alan Jackson

28. Describe your wedding dress: Satin with lots of gold and silver embroidery all over!! It was everywhere and short train.

29. What kind of flowers did you have at your wedding: Red & ivory roses, ivory orchids with ivy, ivory chrysanthemums, and then lots of rust and pink fillers. Then I found these beaded things that you could cut and stick into the flowers and they were gold and rust colored. And Eucalyptus sprigs

30. Are your wedding bands engraved? No I wish we had gotten them done. But since Hubby works in some dangerous equipment he doesn't wear his.


Mr. Farmer ever the mechanic... Yes he is working on the toy tractor we bribed our nephew with to walk down the aisle.


One of my favorite group shots. I guess you can tell its the wedding party freezing their hind ends off!!!


My bouquet. Somehow or another when I loaded these last night I guess I forgot to flip it right side up. So just do a head stand at your desk and you can get the full effect of my beautiful flowers.


The back of my dress.



My Mama in Law dancing with Mr. Farmer



The shyest little flower girl around!! She isn't in ANY group shots!! She had a couple little Diva moments. My mom and her parents were wanting to force her to be in the pictures and she kept crying so I said don't worry about it we will get some good ones of her later. And we have a ton of her at the reception. But that's just one of the things we will always remember and embarrass her with when she is older:)



Mr. & Mrs. Farmer



Sweet little Country Church

Baseline Appt

I survived them even though they had to split the appointments up over 2 days and then they had to draw my blood from my wrist! Other then all that they went swimmingly!!! Yes I'm a hard stick and that sucks!! I have one good vein in my left arm I try to get them to use it but only the brave will try it. They always try this one vein in my right arm that appears to be good but is sneaky... And then they dig around in my arm and make me want to pass out! Just so I don't have to deal with the fact that this moron is digging around in my flesh with a sharp metal object just trying to find some blood!!! Sunday morning I had to have CD3 blood draw and that ended up being a good thing cause after I got my blood drawn I actually took my heathen butt to church!! I hadn't gone in a good while. I actually went to a local church near the hospital. So that was nice and then I went shopping!!!

I broke one of the cardinal rules in infertility Sunday while I was shopping. Target was having a sale and they had a ton of Maternity clothes on the clearance rack. I got a couple pairs of work pants for $7 and a really cute top for $4. I know I shouldn't have done that but I did!! But I'm justifying the buying of maternity clothes because I have heard the bloat on Gonal F is terrible!! And I refuse to buy a bigger size of pants!!! So if my belly swells to a point that I can no longer wear my own clothes I will let myself slip into the same size I currently wear only in a maternity pant!! Does this sound like the ramblings of a lunatic? I think so....

But anyway they were cute and I can't pass up a good deal if I wanted to. So now I have confessed to the fact that I now own maternity clothes and I am indeed NOT PREGNANT!!! How pathetic!! But hey retail therapy is a proven fact and I do feel better after buying them!!!

Tomorrow is our third anniversary I will try and post some pics of our wedding. It was beautiful and homey, country and classic. I loved every little bit of our wedding. Not to mention the cute groom!!! So I will be working on that this afternoon.

Oh and no I didn't get the measurements of my lining yesterday during the ultrasound. I was actually in a state of sheer awe! I was amazed that we are actually HERE!!! We are starting our 1st real cycle!! Nurse Prac T did say we are good to go for this cycle and we aren't being told by DR. B to do an IUI so I'm happy about that. TI is fine for us since Mr. Farmer passed his test with flying colors or should I say Olympic swimmers!! I think C the overly informative Nurse Prac just wanted to give us that info. So we could think about it (or freak out about it!!). And last night on the way to my niece's first dance performance I got the call from freedom pharmacy for the 1 dose of Ovidrel I will need. I got most of the meds donated all but 1 dose of Ovidrel. It has been such an amazing journey to get here. I can't believe all the caring souls out there in this infertility network we have. I'm truly blessed to have found you all!!

My first dose of Gonal F is tonight I can't wait!! I'm soo excited!! I can't believe we are going to be shooting me up with our 1st round the night before our anniversary. It all seems like good signs to me!! So stay tuned for emotional ramblings this week I'm sure they will be doozies!!

Love & Hugs
Mrs. Farmer :)

CD1 & Test Results

Yippee Skippy!!!! I had a visitor stop in and see me this morning!! She will be probably be staying at the old farmhouse for a few days. But she isn't un unexpected guest all though I do hope that this will be my last visit from this guest for at least a year or longer....

Yes my aunt flow arrived in all your glory and I can't say that I'm not excited. I could barely contain my excitement as I called my RE's office this morning. I was trembling to be quite honest. I told the receptionist the news and she said she would have the NP call me back for my appt times. When Colleen the NP called back I got some interesting news. Evidently my Dr. B. has just come back from a infertility convention last month. I guess they now have proof that insemination will increase your odds of conceiving by 15%. So he is now wanting all of his patients to look into and at least think of the possibility of insemination. So that really surprised me. I'm really not ready for that. I had just gotten used to the idea of Timed Intercourse. But I guess we will take all this info in stride.

Mr. Farmers SA was great.
Count was 217 Million
Motility 65%
Morphology 12%

She said the morph was low but not a problem because the count was so high. But Dr. B. hasn't looked at his numbers yet. But she said over all this was a great SA! So I was happy to hear about that. I have heard that different offices have different normal ranges so her normal ranges were as follows.
Count: Greater then 40 mil
Motility: Greater then 50%
Morphology: 30%

So at my CD 3 blood work I will find out what Dr. B. will suggest. I talked to hubbs and we both agree that insemination is too big of a step right now. So we won't do that just yet. I feel like we haven't even really be able to try naturally because I never ovulate. So if I can get pregnant the old fashioned way with a lot of medication I would feel more comfortable with that. I am in no way saying anything about insemination being bad. I'm just saying that I'm not prepared for it. It takes me awhile to get used to big plans. And I had slowly gotten used to the idea of injectables. So this really has been hyperventilating!! But hopefully Dr. B. will agree that we should just try a TI cycle 1st!

Well that's all I got for now!! Have a wonderful weekend Chickie's!!
Love & Hugs
Mrs. Farmer:)

Veteran's Day

On this Veteran's Day I want to introduce my hero. This man is amazing. He has served his country now for 5 years. And yesterday he re-enlisted to serve 3 more. This man has done 2 tours in Iraq and countless other deployments all over the globe.
This man is my baby brother. I can't say enough good things about him. He is my shoulder to cry on. Even though he is thousands of miles away from me. I can always count on him to make me laugh on the dark days. He some how knows the perfect moment to call me. He has always been that way. I guess it's some kind of sixth sense he has. He is such a caring individual. He is so proud to serve his country and to do the job he does. I just want you all to meet my hero. This guy is adorable I hate the fact that I don't see him like I want. But I have to share him with my great country and I'm good with that. I'm so proud that there are people in this great country like my brother who give up so much to protect our way of life. I want to tell everyone who serves and has served, THANK YOU!!! I can't say it enough!! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

I only have this picture in digital format to share but I will post some more when I get home tonight. I can't keep a whole lot of pics on my computer at work. He is the one on the far left in the red helmet.

5 Days on Prometrium...

Makes me a mood swinging, hot flashing, tantrum throwing, crazy woman!! I broke down and cried in the hallway at the RE's office yesterday morning. I don't understand why these hormones have to be this hard on me?

Let me recap so you all can catch up on the story...

Friday afternoon on my way home from work I realized we had never scheduled Mr. Farmers SA. And I had already called in on Thursday to tell them I was at CD35. So we had to get on the ball!!! I called and left a msg to tell them I had blundered and forgot to get his SA set up so we need to do it ASAP!!!

So I knew they probably wouldn't get back with me that day, but at least I had gotten a message in. Then Sunday morning bright and early Deena with Dr. B's office calls and said that we can set it up for Tuesday morning at 8:00am. I say okay I will be bringing it cause Hubbs has too much on his plate right now so I will bring the boys myself. She said that's fine. Just get them here within the hour. I said okay we can do that!!!

So Tuesday rolls around I'm sure you know what happened in the morning. I don't think I need to give you details. I had to get out the door with the little guys as fast as I could. I put the specimen cup in my bra and headed south. I had to get there quickly!! I was so worried that I would get pulled over but I had to get there quickly. Thank God for my fuzz buster. I have never in my whole life felt that funny before. I felt quite protective of the little guys. I kept a coat over my chest and kept my hand over that just so they wouldn't get cold. I felt so responsible for them. I hated to think that something could happen and they would be wasted. I don't know if it was because of the hormones or what but I tell you I was on a freaking mission to get those little guys looked at!!

Well I pull into the lot of the hospital around 7:35 and I move the boys from between my boobs to the underside of my arm and inside my bra. Cause I didn't want the people in the waiting area thinking I had 3 boobs. And then I threw my coat on and ran inside. Up the elevator and then down the super long, lonely hall way to Dr. B's office. But when I turn the corner to open the glass door of the fertility clinic I find the door locked and all the lights inside turned off. I was stunned!!!! These little guys were swimming around in my arm pit waiting to be checked out and no body is here to check them out!!! WTH? Are you fu$king kidding me? I have just driven down the highway 80 miles an hour swooping in and out of rush hour traffic after reading on you all's paper work that the sooner I got these little guys here the better. I'm here and you are not!! WHY ME?!!! So I stood there at the door right under a video camera and cried!! I cried hard. I snorted and snotted and boo hoo'd right there in front of the security camera. Then I wiped my eyes and called Mr. Farmer he couldn't believe it either. We had been led to believe that this office was open early so women could come in and get blood drawn in the early am. But I guess today of all days they weren't doing that. So Hubby tried to calm me down. But all I could think about was those little guys sitting in my arm pit and that their time was ticking away and soon it would be gone!! So I stood there under that security camera and Hubby kept telling me it would be okay. And that it wasn't a wasted trip... But in my heart I felt like I failed the little guys...

I waited for what seemed like hours. But really it was only 24 minutes but it felt like an eternity. I saw the pudgy little receptionist coming down the long, lonely hallway with her lunch box, work bag, coat and purse all in her arms laughing along with another nurse from her office. I guess she couldn't sense that I had just finished having a melt down at the end of her hallway. And all she was worried about was clocking in 1 minute before they "opened." She unlocked an unmarked door several doors down from where I stood under the watchful eye of the security camera. And she and the nurse disappeared behind the door. It was 2 minutes after 8:00 when the front door was finally unlocked. By that time my heart felt so heavy when I walked through that door. And yes I know it was probably because of my hormones. But it was "too late" I didn't get them here under the hour mark. I felt like I failed!!!

I had to fill the paper work out for my hubbs and I wrote the time and everything down. They never said anything about it. She acted like business as usual so maybe they were okay. We won't hear back I guess until the end of the week. Cause the doc has to read the results and he isn't at the hospital I go to except 2 weeks out of the month so they will have to fax them to his home office 3 hours away. So keep your fingers crossed and pray all kinds of prayers for our little swimmers. And pray that they were still swimming when they finally got around to looking at them.

Oh and yes I know we could have had the hubbs do his thing down there in the office But my hubby was adamant about doing it at home. So going to the office was entirely out of the question.

And no AF has not shown her ugly face yet. I'm patienly waiting. I took my last pill Monday night and I have only had cramps and moodswings to show for it. So on top of praying for our swimmers pray that I get a period too!!!

Love & Hugs to you all!!!

CD 35

I made it to CD 35!! My damn body is so stubborn!! I POAS and it came back just like I expected it to! I have never POAS and not cried afterward. This was the 1st time I was not upset about a negative! I'm so excited to get this show on the road!! Even though my family has been turned on its ear lately I'm ready for us to get some happy news for a change. I had the weirdest day yesterday. I peed on my stick and then called the docs office and got the ball rolling for our new cycle. And then that evening I went to help my momma in law with the animals. She has a menagerie at her house. Its quite funny I call her Doctor Doolittle. The Docs don't want her to change her routine because of the cancer. They just want her to be careful about lifting and getting hit in the chest/breast plate. Because it could damage the port or the vein in the port. Or even pull the needle out that is running the chemo into her body for the next several hours. So I went down to help her feed. Which mostly I did the heavy lifting. Cause she is NOT an invalid!! Which she kept reminding me of. And then I fed the horses because they like to bump her around with their extra large heads and nuzzle her around the face. And so they wouldn't accidentally hurt her without meaning to. And she of course felt like I was babysitting her. But we made it through feeding and headed back up to the house. And set down to talk for awhile. She said that she had just been talking to her sister in law who said that her daughter had trouble with her periods and all she had to do was take clomid and she got pregnant 2 months later... (This girl just had her 4th child the day my MIL found out she had cancer) So I should just do what she did!!! And it would help me too!!! I can see that my MIL is worried that we won't get to have any kids and I don't really share all the dirty little details with her about my appts. But she knows a 100% more then my own mother knows at this point. I just thought it was cute and sad that she is more worried about Ryan & I having a child then she is about the chemo she is packing around with her. She is my hero!!!

When she was diagnosed she told the doctor that if anyone had to have it her family she was glad it was her. She didn't want anybody else to have to deal with it!!!
I don't know if I could be that way about it.

So last night I told her how my doctor feels like my problem is too big for clomid to help it. So we are doing some heavy duty drugs to start with. And she asked how long it will take to work? I said hopefully we will know by the 1st week or so of Dec if I'm pregnant. And then she said wouldn't that be a nice Xmas present? And I almost wanted to cry!!! So please God let me be able to give My MIL and hubby the bestest Christmas present ever!!!! Santa do you hear me too? I'm counting on you all to help me in this mission!!!! I want to be able to tell her at Christmas that she will have one more Grand baby that she has to fight cancer for!!!

Oh and while I was at lunch with my poppa today I got a phone call from one of my hubby's farm hands who said I won a prize off the radio. Our local radio station was giving away a spa package for 4 this week so I called in to enter. I really thought my MIL could use it and sure enough I won the darn thing!!! How awesome would that be? So maybe while I'm waiting to hear if I got KTFU I can take my MIL out and maybe my SIL and niece to get all pampered! So like I said its been a weird 24 hours but I wouldn't change it. And we are about 2 days out from getting all our crops in too. So its been a week of roller coaster moments but we get through it all some how.
I hope you all Have a wonderful weekend!!!

Love & Hugs

The C word...

I have avoided blogging for a week now. I just couldn't find the words. I'm still at a loss for where to begin or how to begin. Sometimes it seems like trouble just follows us. My husband and I. Now it seems to have filtered into our family. On Wednesday afternoon of last week. My husbands mother, the most wonderful person in the world was diagnosed with colon cancer. Our lives have just gone topsy turvey and I feel like I could vomit right now. I thought I would just go along and not blog about this because I am a somewhat anonymous blogger. But the more I sit here and keep it bottled up the more it hurts. I'm VERY VERY close to my MIL she is wonderful. My husband is very close to her too. She actually introduced me to her son. We have such a great relationship and now I may lose it. I feel so guilty for not being able to provide her grandchildren from my husband and I. I know how much she wants my hubby to have a baby boy. And so I guess I just needed to put this all out here and get it off my chest. I can't carry it around any longer. She doesn't want anyone to know just yet. So just our immediate family know and that's it. This morning we took her to the hospital to get a port set up in her chest for chemo treatments and as I'm typing this she is receiving her 1st round of chemo. All I can think of is I will lose the one women in my life who feels like my mother. My mother is not my mom. She isn't mentally stable and my MIL has always been there for me. She actually was going to be the one person I wanted with me when I delivered my children. I'm so scared and worried about her and my husband. I know this is just another trial in our life that will bring us all closer together.

Oh and to top it all off tomorrow I will have to call the RE for the start of this cycle!! Here we go medicated cyle. I'm so worried about all this. But Hubbs wants to go ahead with our plans. So PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY for us!!!! I'm soo going to need it!!!

Fertility Friend, is not my friend!!

Well just so you all know my temps are dropping again. It was 96.8 this am. So there went my last ditch effort for this cycle to be "the one." Surprisingly I'm okay with it. I have learned not to get too hopeful through this whole sucky process. But it does sting a little. But I'm excited that I get to use the drugs in my fridge. Which were so lovingly donated by another infertile women. Who actually got pregnant on a break!! I am happy that I have learned so much about my body through this whole dang adventure. So here we go on to the countdown to CD35!!! Unless by some strange reason I get Auntie Flow on my own before then... Which I highly doubt will happen naturally now. So today is actually CD26 so we are sooo close to starting inject ables!!!! Oh and have I said lately that IF is a BITCH?!!!

Have a freaking fantabulous day!!!

Danielle Steel

Dear, Ms. Steel
I would like to tell you how much I have enjoyed your books over the last several years. Your books have become a secret little pleasure of mine that I don't get to indulge that often. Although this last time I visited the book store I saw a new title I hadn't read yet. So I tossed your book into my bag and waited patiently to get time to fit this new book into my schedule. I have always used your books as somewhat of an escape from my reality. I fell in love with the heroine as I always tend to do with your well written characters. She seemed like such a wonderful individual. Someone I would like to know in real life. But then out of nowhere you slammed me up against a wall. The wall that is my reality. You knocked the breath right out of this infertile crazy women. Your beloved character gets raped and instantly gets pregnant with the bastard's child!! Where in the synopsis did it tell us that this would happen? You do realize how this would be quite gut wrenching to read for someone who can't seem to get pregnant in the most perfect of circumstances. Yet a young women who is practically starving, working 18+ hours of hard labor in the middle of a world war, she never sleeps, and is obviously in a high stress situation can suddenly get pregnant when she has been raped! I know it would have probably not been good to give away too much information on the jacket. But it would have been nice to have had a heads up on this book. Just a sticker on the front cover would have been nice. Warning: Dangerous waters ahead if you are in infertile!!! Please Please Please could you just write deliriously happy books or books about sex and romance and not bring up children, pregnancy or babies at all!!!I will still try to muddle through this book no matter how hard it is to believe just because I can't leave a book unread. Oh and Thank you for reminding me I'm an infertile as i don't seem to get reminded enough through out my day.
I remain a faithful fan, although quite perturbed by this experience.
Mrs. Farmer

Side note: I do not want to offend anyone. I do know that women have gotten pregnant by rape and its a terrible travesty. But it was just a shock to read this. And I am in no way making fun of rape or rape victims.

Private confession From an Infertile Mad Woman...

I don't want to jump the gun but I am an infertile, crazy women who gets freaked out by the littlest things!!! So I thought I would let you all in on the crazy little hope that I'm hoping for today. I won't find out until tomorrow. But today I can live in this moment. I have been faithfully using fertility friend for a long freaking time now. And this cycle is looking pretty good. Actually it looks freaking fantabulous!!! So tomorrow morning if my temp goes up I will know whether or not my body does what every other women seems to be able to do with out even batting an eye. OVULATE!!! I cheated just a tad and typed in tomorrows temp of 97.2 just to see if I could get some cross hairs and I did. It was the most beautiful thing in the world!! Besides maybe an ultrasound... But I'm getting way ahead of myself. I want cross hairs so freaking bad its not even funny. I want to see my self have a "normal" cycle. Just once!!! I'm to the point that I don't even care if I get pregnant this cycle which it would be freaking awesome if I did. But I know that I will have my self all juiced up this coming cycle that I don't see how I couldn't get knocked up. I just want to know that my body does know what to do. And can do it on occasion. Just when she feels like it... So please pray with me that my temp goes up and I can actually confirm an ovulation. That's all I really want this cycle. I know getting pregnant would be the greatest thing in the whole freaking world!! But I'm not going to go wishing for the moon. But please Lord just let me see some cross hairs that stay put!! And don't vanish or go dashed the next few days. I really want to have just 1 real cycle!!! Oh just so you know I do realize that I would have already ovulated by now but I just want to see it on a computer screen! Just so I can shout at the top of my lungs that: YES!!! I CAN OVULATE!!!!

Welcom ICLWers!!!!

I just wanted to say Hello to all the new people stopping by. I will give you a tad bit of background.

I'm married to a farmer we live in the heartland of America. We have been married almost 3 years. We are trying although so far unsuccessfully to add to our family. So far we have only ended up with 3 furkids. 2 dogs and 1 cat. I have PCOS and haven't had a period on my own in AGES!!! So at the end of this cycle. If I can start on my own (please cross your fingers and pray to God!!!) we will be starting our 1st medicated cycle. If I don't start on my own I will wait till CD35 and test to make sure I didn't have a miracle happen. And then I will get the dreaded progesterone and to have Aunt Flow stop in for a visit. After that I will start on Gonal F and Ovidrel for Trigger. So far I'm only on CD21 so in a few weeks I will be so full of hormones no one will want to be around me!!! That's all I've got.

I blog about farming and my family and stupid little things I love to take pictures but I'm no photographer. One of these days I hope to take a couple classes just for fun. I love to read also. I have just joined a book club that's just begun in my home town. And our 2nd book has just been phenomenal. (I picked this one!!!) It's spooky and dark and has a ton of secrets and mystery to it. I highly recommend this book to everyone. I had to start reading something other then infertility/fertility material. Or I was going to go crazy if I didn't. So this has helped get me out of this whole infertility bubble.
The book I just finished and have been referring to is: The Thirteenth Tale By: Diane Setterfield.

Go get it!! Oh and it's a perfect read for October!!!

Thanks for stopping by!!!

Pictures from last weekend

Yes I'm bored to tears here at work today!! Its raining and nasty cold outside so I thought I would finally post the pictures from last weekend.

My Hubby was working and I was "HELPING" of course I'm sure he would use this term loosely. But I will have to say I try to help :) I mostly take lots of pictures and make him and and his papa laugh. Oh and I'm very good at asking dumb questions too. So here goes I'm posting some yummy sunny working down at the old barn pictures. I have never in my life posted this many pics in a post but bear with me. They are all connected.




These little yellow bead looking things are called soy beans. They are being swept up from the bottom of a grain bin. And yes that is all dust and it is from the soy beans!!



This is what they call an auger it carries the grain to and from different sources. In this case it was out of the grain bin into a waiting truck.



This is one of my favorite warning labels of all time!!! Look closely!! This is a very dangerous piece of equipment but it still makes me laugh when I see the little cartoon label. I guess I'm just morbid that way...



My hubby is inside of the grain bin running the sweeper!! Yes that is a sweeper!! It is terribly dusty inside of these bins. I don't know if you can tell or not but he does have a mask on.




My papa in law making sure the truck isn't getting too full. Which was supposed to be my job but he kept sneaking in behind my back and climbing the ladder. Hubbs didn't want his dad falling off the ladder. But I guess its okay for me to!!! :)




This is that scary dusty grain bin my hubby was in.



Now we are unloading a truck from the field that had just gotten cut. So its going into the grain bin.


Soy Beans!!! MMMmmmm Lots and Lots of Soy Beans!!!!



This is the reason I can't get pregnant!! My ovaries seize up and then run and hide under my rib cage when I see things like this!!!!



They are still seizing!!!



O Lord please help my poor ovaries!!! I can't stand to look but I have to!!!



O Dear Lord in Heaven!!! I think my ovaries are having a panic attack now!!!!



I can't take it anymore I'm going to go home and eat chocolate. This is too stressful!!!

Stuff... (Sorry thats the best title I could come up with this morning)

Well I have gotten a couple awards and I promise I will get to them as soon as I can. It takes me a little while to figure all this technology out. And making clicky links is really new to me. So Bear with me!!!! I promise I will get to them!!

I haven't had a chance to put up a farming post because frankly we have been toO busy farming... Imagine!!! But while I was helping out I took tons of pics so I promise to post them too!!!

Now on to the nitty gritty!!! My RE's office called and said that the HSG was clear my tubes look great!! The radiologist didn't seem to see anything that concerned him. Not even that floating ovary way up in my rib cage!! Well maybe I'm exaggerating a little! I don't think it was as high as all that but it sure looked funny floating away just tethered to my lady bits by a little tube. It reminded me of a astronaut floating in space with only that tube or life line thingy keeping him from floating away.

So she asked if we were going to begin a medicated cycle next? And I said yes that's our plan and she said we would need to do blood work and an ultrasound of course at the start of my next cycle then we would order the meds and then we would be ready to roll!! Of course that would be after I took a pregnancy test that was positive... I'm flabbergasted!! I can't believe were here. I had kind of thought in the back of my head. That suddenly at the last possible minute before I would have to say yes to all these tests and procedure that a miracle would happen!! And I would just miraculously end up pregnant... Yes I know I'm a big dreamer!!! But a girl can always dream right? I know they told me its not like it will happen naturally for me but I guess I just was holding on to that last little glimmer of hope. Even last night I was telling hubby we should step it up a notch cause this is our last ditch effort before the meds. And he being the red blooded man that he is. And it probably didn't help that I have plumb wore that boy out!!! Since last Saturday... He asked a simple Why? And I of course got all defensive and said well didn't you hear the nurse practitioner say it is possible to get KU after an HSG. I think he felt guilty about being a little calloused. He tried to make it up to me by tyring to work again on my little project ;) But then I felt guilty for not letting him rest. So I gave him a night off. I know down deep its not going to happen this way. I have even been using the OPK's this week and I know they aren't going to help me either so I just finally have to say I GIVE UP!!!! I will do it the Doctor's way!!!

So yes this week has been a tad bit difficult to bear. A guy here at work just had a new baby. He has been complaining about the lack of visitors at the hospital (swine flu epidemic in Indiana so just 2 visitors over the age of 25 per room) And then he was complaining about her (his wife) being grouchy and I'm just not in the mood to hear all this about how rough he has it having a new born at home that isn't sleeping through the night. He is the worst example of a father/husband anyway but that just has made it ten times worse for me. But luckily he is gone this afternoon.

And maybe if I don't get to busy I can throw some pics on here from this past weekend... Keep your fingers crossed!!

Check this out!!!!

I just had to share this. Its so fascinating!! Please check it out!!!

Ovulation moment caught on camera

I can't believe they were able to catch this! Its soo cool!!!!

Love & Hugs
To you all!!!
Mrs. Farmer

The rest of the story...

I'm much better today. I was pretty sore and achy after the HSG but that to me was more like the whole period cramping feeling like crap stuff. But I actually think I was achy and sore because I had tensed up so much during the procedure. But that's just my opinion. Now on to the good stuff!!! This is going to be a long one too!! I apologize!!

Like I said the weather was freaking TERRIBLE!! And there is nothing more depressing then a cold, rainy and nasty day. But add an HSG to your schedule and your day has gone to pot before you have even begun. So I get out of the clinic and call my hubbs and my voice is still trembling cause I was still kind of in shock over Dr. GQ and his torture chamber! So Hubby could tell I was hurting. So he asked me what the doc said and if he thought I was ok etc. And I said that he gave me the all clear!! So Hubbs was happy and we talked for a few more minutes but he had to go cause he was hauling grain. So I told him I was going to run to my Aunt A.'s (my mother's little sister) house and visit with her for a bit and then if I feel better I might just get some shopping done. The town where my RE's office is at, is "The Big City" it's an hour away from our home and it has 2 Malls!!! And I never ever get to shop anymore so I was going to have to will myself to feel better so I could go and shop!!

So I'm pulling out of the hospital parking lot and I start dialing what I thought was my aunt's telephone number and come to find out it wasn't!! Lord a mercy was I shocked when my Grandmother picked up!! This is my mom's mother. And at this point in time there has been a lot of bad blood going on in my mother's family. My mother has a huge family and her brothers are all farmers and they got into a big fight with my mom, her 2 sisters and 1 of her brothers and the farm and business ended up getting split up. Well my mom's mother sided with my mother's brothers. And hasn't spoken to my mom since it happened. I actually had only seen my Grandmother once since this all took place and it was at Christmas Last year. So here out of the clear blue sky I accidentally call my Grandmother who of course is at home!! (Where else would an 82 year old woman be at on a nasty ass day?) And she was all surprised when I called of course!! And I know I sounded shocked as shit when she answered. I wish I could have had it recorded because I was soo stunned that she was answering my aunt's phone... Then I put 2 & 2 together and realized I had fu$ked up and so I was like Hey grandma I'm in the area do you mind if I stop in to see you? She was shocked and was a little confuzzeled and said: yes,... uh... okay, I think that should be fine. She wanted to know what I was down here for and of course I told her I was here for a doc appt. And I hung up and thought oh shit what are we going to talk about?! My family doesn't see each other I haven't seen her in almost a year!! But I need to see her she is getting older and isn't in good health maybe its meant to be that I stop in and see her. So I had to get my story straight in my head. I thought if I tell her I'm meeting a friend for lunch at 12:30 that way I won't have to stay too long and at this point its already after 11:00 so I drive over to her house which is less then 5 min from Dr GQ's torture chamber. And I run in and we talk small talk for a little while avoiding all subjects that would involve talking about my mother (Whom I don't really get along with) and my uncles whom my grandmother sided with so she then asks what I was getting done. She had thought I had all my docs in my new home town now. And then I thought you know I'm just going to bite the bullet and tell a little of this to my grandmother. I really have no women in my life to talk about this to (Except my bloggy girls.) So I break down and say we have been going to a fertility specialist. To find out why we haven't been able to get pregnant. And she was actually interested!! She asked me questions then asked me what I did today and I said I had a procedure done. She could tell I wasn't feeling well. I told her how they told me it would be a glorified pap smear... yada yada!! Then she said oh yeah right kind of like the mammogram that we women have to have!! She says that it must have been a man that invented all these damn tests!!! I would like to put his balls in that damn mammogram machine and I bet after that torture they would find a better way to check for cancer!! She said if there wasn't anything wrong with your tits before you got there, there's something wrong with them now!! She cracks me up when I talk to her. We had a good convo. I didn't tell her everything. My grandmother was super fertile she had a couple miscarriages though and 1 stillborn. So I guess she understands a little I mean I would rather be in my situation and not be able to get pregnant. Then being able to get pregnant and not be able to carry it to term... I thought about that for awhile and then realized it was getting close to 12:15 and I wasn't in as much pain and I had mentioned that I was meeting a friend for lunch so I kissed her goodbye and she told me good luck and that she would pray for me... I think I needed that even though I didn't think I would ever be close to my grandma again it was good for us both...

But the day still isn't over yet...

So I start driving down the strip and I know that I'm not hungry so I thought I will run to Barnes and Noble cause I never get to go there anymore unless I'm down here in "The Big City" and maybe by the time I get out of there I will be hungry. So I run in there and once I'm in B&N I could be lost in there for hours. I LOVE books so I pick up some books for me and then look in the children's dept for my nephews and before I know it I have an arm load of stuff. So I head down stairs. I'm starting to get hungry. As I'm going down the escalator I notice the display of the 70th anniversary of the Wizard of Oz!! My dad's baby sister N. is a huge fan of the Wizard of Oz and so I walk over and look at the table and I instantly think of her and her daughter S. because her daughter S. collects all things Wizard of Oz. Then I walk away from the table and I hear a women call my name. I turn around and its my Aunt N.!!! She lives about 8 minutes from my house in poe dunk Indiana and we both happen to be at B&N in "The Big City" on a week day. When we both work!! WTH? So I run over and I give her a hug. This Aunt was my shoulder to cry on during the preparation for my wedding. She helped me so much back then. And she was so surprised to see me as I was her. And she asked what are you doing down her? I said well I had a dr. appt. And then she raised an eyebrow and said aren't all your docs back home? And I said well I'm seeing a specialist. And then I could tell she got the drift then she asked me who I was seeing? And I told her Dr. B he is really good. And she said well you know that your Aunt D. (Another aunt on my dad's side by marriage) and I went to Dr. G. to get pregnant. I said well I kind of remember hearing little bits but I was a teenager and that all didn't register back then. And she then asked what I had done today. And I told her I had an HSG. And she said OMG!!! And your shopping? Are you crazy?!!! She told me hers had been soo painful! She just laid on the couch all weekend. I said yes it was terrible but I wanted to try and do some shopping while I was down her. Then she asked if I had eaten and I said no I had actually lied to my grandma and I told her I was meeting a friend for lunch!! And she said well I don't want you to lie to her!! So lets go eat! She took me to this great little Cafe that was dead!! It was quiet and cozy. And so we sat down and started talking about all of the trouble she had gone though to get my cousin S. My Aunt N. was 40 when she finally got pregnant. (She is 50 now) I knew back then that it was a big deal. But nobody in my family talks about infertility and so I never asked what her and my other aunt's infertility issues were. It always seems like the wrong place and time to bring it up. So I never did. Come to find out my Aunt N. has the same thing I have, PCOS! And she had to also have a cyst removed by surgery. But it was just soo amazing to sit down and talk to someone in my family about all this. I felt somewhat isolated because on both sides every body has babies and its just a given that your going to have them too. And when we weren't they all started bombarding us with the: "Your not getting any younger" or "Don't you want kids?" And we would always play it off. But it was soo hard!! My Aunt N and I talked about all the treatments she went through and the treatments that my other Aunt went though. It was amazing to hear it from someone else. I don't know why but I think I really needed all that on Thursday. It helped with the whole processing of emotions. I mean what are the odds that I would find the only blood relative that I have that has dealt with infertility in a city that big on her afternoon off. And who just happened to have time to spend the rest of the day talking about her wonky ovaries? And how similar our paths were but yet we never knew till that afternoon. I know this probably doesn't sound as wild to you as it does to me but I believe that everything happens for a reason and my bumping into my Aunt N. on that day wasn't a coincidence. I was finally able to sit down and talk to someone just like I would with my mom if my mom wasn't freaking nuts. My Aunt N. helped me with my wedding because my mom was going berserk and then after all that quieted down my Aunt and I hadn't really gotten to talk or catch up or anything. She knew that we must have been struggling because she knew how much I loved children. But she never saw a good opportunity to bring up the infertility conversation with me. And she knows how hard it is for me to not have a mother that I can talk too. I have a mom but my mother is very judgemental and believes that one of the reasons why the farmer and I haven't gotten pregnant is because of the sinful lives we have led... And the fact that I don't go to church anymore. My mother is the ultimate holy roller. I haven't really seen too many that could out do her. So because she believes the way she does. She also doesn't think that children that are conceived say through IUI or IVF or some other method other then "the marital bed" that they won't have a soul. Which I whole heartily disagree with!!!! So I just don't tell my mother ANYTHING!! I don't want her telling people my babies don't have a soul. But I still wish sometimes that I could talk to a woman about the pain of a procedure or the hopes that I have or the dreams or fears of all this. Because it is really hard to talk about some of this stuff with my hubby. But like I said I truly think God knew I needed my Aunt N. and he sent her and we had a beautiful afternoon talking about everything involved in this infertility journey. It was 5:30 when we left the Cafe. I didn't do any more shopping that night. Because I was to excited to tell Farmer everything that had happened.

That's it there ain't no more I hope you didn't fall asleep!! :)
Oh and from here on out I promise not to write this long of a post! I just had too many back stories to catch you all up on.

The Morning After...

O Lordy!! Well the first thing I want to say is: that I want to hunt down the man who created the Hystrosalpingogram and lay him on his side on a gravel road. Then run my Ford Expedition over his Mr. Winky about 4 or 5 times and that MIGHT come close to the pain I experienced!! I have never in my life been lied to like that. Mild Cramping? Oh HELL NO!!! I don't know if I'm just the biggest baby on all creation but I tell you I was crying!!

My day started out raining like crazy!! It poured the whole way to the radiologist. The office is an hour away so it was kind of nasty and lonely cause hubbs wasn't able to go with me. And I was under the impression that it was going to be a piece of cake with slight cramping and so I had grand plans of going shopping in the big city on my own with out hubbs. So I get to the office in plenty of time to get checked in and watch a little of the Today Show. Not that I could tell you anything they were even talking about. But I sat there. The whole way down I had prayed that I would get a women radiologist or at the very least an older man... I still have not had to show my junk to a male doctor and I think at least point I'm starting to get a complex about having to show my vag willy nilly.... Yes I know I shouldn't be a prude and if you met me you would find out that in every other facet of my life I am not a prude!! But when it comes to having people scoping out my lady bits I have always preferred to have a female. So when I had my consult with the RE I had made myself all nervous about showing the prudish vag to him but I was getting prepared and got it set in my mind that I was going to do it. But then he never checked her out!!! So her she was all prepared for nothing!!! So I fell back into my old ways of being a prude and was worried all about it. And then a lady came and called me and she was SOOOOO sweet!! She took me to the back and we sat down and she went over the whole procedure (she left out the minor little detail of the freight train exploding through my uterus and having to try and turn while it did so) And we chatted and I signed some papers. She told me that its just a glorified pad smear and she said the Doctor who performs the procedure is just AWESOME!! He really is!! (Did you see that? Yes she said HE!!!) And then I know the panic really set in. I then thought I better tell her that my favorite Aunt still hasn't completely gotten her things packed up to leave yet. And she said that it shouldn't be a problem. I told her how embarrassing that was for me. And she said it does happen pretty frequently and not to worry. She then led me to a dressing room and she gave me the gown and I came out and she had me hop up on the table. But they didn't have any stirupps which was odd. I thought if they are doing this procedure wouldn't it help them with getting in there... So she told me I would need to scoot all the way down to the edge and curl my toes over the end of the table... How terrible is that? Okay I thought whatever!! Then she said for the time being just stretch out and relax for now and I will return with the doctor. I'm still praying that I get the twin of Doctor Spook or something Any man over the age of 55 would be nice. And I'm still praying I hear the door open and the lovely little nurse says Mrs. Farmer this is Dr. H!! Oh Holy Lord in Heaven I almost fell off the table!!! I think she must have ran down to the GQ casting call and pulled him out of line!! It was like meeting Adonis! He was BEAUTIFUL!!!! And in a totally manly way too!! And now I thought for sure that I was going to die from embarrassment! Can I just pull this sheet over my head for the rest of this? But no we had to make SMALL TALK!! Then the doc is prepping and he looks at his tools and asks the nurse why she has the pediatric speculum out? I was totally confused! Then she said well I thought it would be easier on her... Then he said no I want to us the bigger one. Which then of course now I'm nervous and when I'm nervous I start acting stupid and I said hey doc what a way to make a girl feel comfortable!! Tell her you need a bigger speculum!! Wow that's priceless!! And he I think got embarrassed and said no I wasn't meaning your big. I just thought it would be harder on you cause we will have to clamp down a lot harder... And he didn't finish then he said actually the one I'm going to use is a medium speculum. Then I said I guess that makes me feel a little better!! I have never been a medium my entire life!! And then he and the nurse chuckled. But then it was time to introduce Dr. GQ to Ms Vag and I was at this point in full blown panic mode. And he was being gentle and cute and I was wishing I was any where but here and then it said your going to feel some slight pressure... (Bull shit it felt like he stuffed his fist in there with a grocery sack of broken glass!!) This is from the balloon. (WTH a balloon!! Nobody told me any thing about a balloon!! And then he said your going to feel some slight cramping!!! (Minor is what I had heard before, now your telling me slight cramping?!! I'm starting to think I came to a Sadistic Radiology Clinic) So the pain was freaking terrible and then while your writhing in agony they want you to roll over on each side and hold it so they can take a picture!!! Dear Lord I was in so much pain and they were being nice I do have to say. But it was NOTHING!!! Like I had expected. Dr. GQ was actually very nice once it was all over I was almost light headed from all the pain but he wanted to make sure I was alright. And then he showed me the pics and told me I looked all clear. It flowed all the way through. I do have a ovary floating waaay up in no mans land i didn't know they could do that. My left ovary is sitting right where its supposed to and my Right is floating around like a boob er on a fishing pole. It looked kind of weird but he said its normal. And he said I did good and wished me luck and walked out. And then the nurse helped me up she said I know this is going to sound gross but you might want to put your sheet between your legs when you get up... As you can only imagine there is all kinds of nastiness that will arrive as you rise and are up and about the rest of the day. I did it!! I survived and all I had to do was clean up and get the hell out!!

Public Service Announcement:
Please please please if you have to have one of these done ask your doctor for a prescription for some sort of pain medicine!! Even if you aren't a baby like me I would have rather been over medicated then under medicated. I was told to take 600mg of Advil. I took 800mg cause I'm a baby...

Oh and pack your personal preference of feminine protection also. They have that yucky hospital stuff but I wouldn't want to have to get stuck with that riding around in my pants till I got home.

I will need to tell you all the rest of the story tomorrow Because the day got pretty weird after I left the radioloigist. It's super weird but awesome all at the same time.