A blank page

It's funny how the blog post screen is not truly white. It's kinda swirly grayish white. I loved clean white crisp paper pages in my journals. I used to write so much when I was younger. I wrote about the stupidest, most moronic things. But they were journal worthy to me! When I'm bored I'll pull out a stack and tumble back through time for a few hours. I had to give a story to everything that happened. I wrote in detail what a boy friend at the time had worn when we went out to dinner. Or what I said when we were driving all over the back roads. It all seemed SO important. I had an urgency to document what was happening to me back then. I don't understand why I had that drive to write so much back then. It was like an itch I couldn't scratch. I remember how my mother would get so mad at me when I had a paper due for school that was a 500 word essay or something and I couldn't ever think of something suitable to write about. But I could spend hours writing in my journal! I would fill up an average size journal in 3 months or less. I thank God, now that I had that drive. Because so many of those details have slipped out of my memory. I don't know if it's just old age or maybe to many bad heart aches that I just block those years out. But now the few memories I have from my teens and early twenties I can only piece together with my journals. I wonder now if maybe that's what will keep happening as I get older? That is why I MUST keep writing. I don't want to forget these days!! Even though Mr. Farmer and I have so much craziness going on in our lives right now I don't want to forget my feelings and the funny little details that happen, they may just might fall through the cracks in my memory bank just like all the rest. Mama Farmer has been back in the hospital all week. She was put back into the Critical Care Unit because she has began losing blood again. I guess the Chemo has made her veins weak inside her liver so they burst easily and she ends up bleeding internally until they can cauterize the veins to stop the bleeding. They did that yesterday. This is the 2nd time they have had to do this in less then a month... The day before she started losing blood. Mama Farmer's brother ended up getting put into the hospital (Critical Care Unit also) because he was filling up with fluid he couldn't hardly breath and felt like he was suffocating... He was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure he only has about 30% good muscle mass (not sure how to explain this) in his heart. Because he has probably been suffering from Congestive heart failure for a LONG time. His kidney's have began shutting down. He really is in such bad shape. The man never took care of his self he is over weight and has smoked at least a pack and a half of cigarettes a day everyday for 35+ years. On top of all that he drinks 2 gallons of coffee a day. The man was just a ticking time bomb. So Mama Farmer and her Baby Brother have been in the Critical Care unit all week right down the hall from each other. Mama Farmer's mother is completely beside herself. She is 80 years old and has been having to face the reality of maybe seeing 2 of her 3 children die before she does... Mama Farmer's brother is married but never had children. He has always treated Mr. Farmer as they son he didn't have. Mr. Farmer it seems is just inside out. I have never thought so much about death as I have over the last year and a half. And I used to work in a nursing home for 4 years and death was almost a daily occurrence there. But to be the primary care giver of a family member who is fighting cancer and let me tell you she is FIGHTING it!!! Death/cancer seems to be crawling through my home, seeping in under the doors and setting down at the table with me when I eat my cereal. It seems to make every thought I have follow it along into the darkness. I'm wore out thinking what next. What do we do when X happens. What about after Y treatment. What will she do if she can't get strong enough for Y treatment?.... Will we my happy posting/journaling days ever come back?... I'm wore out from worry!! I know that we all have trials and tribulations. But how long are they supposed to last? I'm not saying I don't have good days at all anymore but the clouds of the bad days are always hanging in the back ground of my good days. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wish some days that I could go back to the days of those crisp blank white pages when I had so much to share but it really wasn't anything special. When life wasn't so scary and it was an adventure waiting to happen.

Under the Gun

I have fallen off the proverbial blog wagon yet again! I get into a rut and it sucks me down even deeper!! I have actually been working on a HUGE Project for work the past several weeks and it SUCKS big time!!! So all my blogging time flew right out the window. For that I apologize. I have so much to catch you all up on. But I can't do it this very moment. Please pray that I can get through this project with out harming, maiming or killing any co-workers! That would be really BAD for business!!! :(
(Not to mention that it would probably be hard to blog from a Jail Cell)
I love you all!!! And I miss you all so terribly!

5

This number has been burned in my head for weeks now. It's a number I'm beginning to hate actually. Who could hate an innocent little number like 5? I remember when I was 5. I was soooo ready to go to school. I wanted to be a BIG KID so bad! My lovely sister Retta was a "Big Kid". She was a whole 5 years older then me. She had everything I wanted. She was a blond. I was brunette. Her hair was long and straight. Mine was crazy and frizzy. Retta could always manage to get through conversations with out saying something backwards. I on the other hand always made a fool of myself. Thank you dyslexia. She never had the wild temper I had. Or the crazy impulses to jump into mud puddles. Or run wild though the woods all day. She was always the clean, pulled together, matchy matchy sister... Where I was the sister with the tousled hair and mis matched socks...

Now here we are at 28 and 33 and she is pregnant with her 5th child. My sister has never had one health issue... (Scratch that she is fucking nuts!!! :) She is married to a lifetime student. My brother in law will be 34 does not work. He is a FULL TIME student!! My sister does not work either. She actually home schools my nephews. They just moved into student housing at his newest school about 2 months ago. And she thinks it's time to share the news that they adding one more to there litter.... She is 22 weeks along. She just told my parents last week. Half way though her pregnancy she decides to drop the news to them. She told me 3 weeks before that.

Can you tell how excited I am?

The past 2 maybe 3 years they have lived with his family while he finished one of his many degrees. He graduated from that school this past May. My family actually thought he might begin to use all of this knowledge he has built up and get a JOB with it. But no!! To our surprise he applied at yet another school. But now at this school, he can on a occasion student teach. Oh and lets not forget, he has been published in a few journals!! ::::::Insert eye rolls and yawns:::::: But nothing high paying... He has no steady income, except grants & scholarships! My sister actually went to college got her degree and used it to teach English in a private academy. So yes she is capable of getting a good job. My Bother In Law is going to school to become a priest in their religion so yes it takes time to do that. BUT why would you keep adding all these mouths to feed if you aren't going to be the one to feed them? I don't know what kind of State assistance they get. I'm not really that close with my sister. When she lived her we used to be. But she has done so many bizarre things over the past few years that I don't even want to be associated with her. Much less be known as her sister. I'm just flabbergasted that someone like my sister who doesn't own a home, has NEVER had to buy a vehicle, (They have always been donated to them by very caring, fellow church members. ) can shoot babies out like a human Pez Dispenser!!! What the Fuck?

There really is NO justice in this life!

When I was little, anytime someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I told them I was going to be a mom. I have dreamed of being a mommy my whole life. And here I am thrown right back to that 5 year old backward little girl with the messy hair. Who's older sister could do everything I wanted and but never could.

2 year Blogversary!!

Wow where has the time gone? I never thought in a million years back on that September afternoon in 2008 that 2 years from then I would still have empty arms, just waiting for a baby to fill them. Or begging my mother in law to eat every day. Oh and having to know that in the time it has taken my sister to bring 3 children into the world I haven't even brought one in to it.

I'm a little melancholy today. Even though Mama farmer was released from the hospital about an hour ago. We have her snuggled in on the couch. She tells us she is not hungry but she has strict orders to eat every 2 hours. But she is as stubborn as the colt standing in the lot out back. The doctors said it wasn't her gallbladder causing her trouble it was from the lack of nourishment... She is starving herself again. She doesn't want to deal with the nasty side effects of having most of her colon removed so she doesn't want to eat any solid food now. Which has in turn put her in the hospital for almost 5 days filling her body back up with protein, potassium, & calcium, which she has starved her body of. She kept telling us she was eating. But we aren't there with her all day. I want so badly to take a way the pain of cancer and the pain of all the belly issues involved but I can't. I can only watch as she deals with it the only way she thanks she can.... Mr. Farmer and I had a fight last night and I know it was mostly because he is so concerned about his mother. This his fuse is short. They have such a close relationship and this whole thing is killing him. He wants her to see his future children and to look forward to the future with him and our family. My heart is bleeding because of the unkind words we said to each other. Even though I know it's because we are maxed out. We have hit the boiling point and it's effecting our home life!!

CANCER SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm praying that this last time in the hospital will have scared her into changing her ways. She has until Tuesday to keep her levels up at the same if not better then what they were this morning. Please Pray that she does! They won't do anymore chemo until she gets her body into a little bit better shape. Her little body is so frail. He skin hangs like a hobo's rags. She was always a very curvy lady. She was beautiful and vivacious. Loud and unafraid. Now I feel that cancer has seeped into her very soul and robbed it of our dear Mama Farmer. That Evil Bitch: Cancer has used her nasty black tentacles and wrapped them around our hearts and is squeezing... I don't know when she will let us go... Or if she ever will.

Can I go back to 2008? Please...

August

I have been MIA for over a month now. I suddenly got struck with a severe allergic reaction to blogging. Not sure why. But I avoided writing at all costs!! I really can't explain why I get into ruts like this but I do. So before I let a whole month slip away with out blogging I'm going to do a month in review....

The last week of July Mama Farmer was told before she did more chemo she would need to have a round of immunity boosting shoots. So from the 1st of August through the 4th she got shots to help build her immunity. On the 6th she had to have more fluid drained from her abdomen. Poor gal has been having anywhere from 7 to 9 liters drained each week. It's become her Friday afternoon ritual.

On August 10th was our monthly Book Club meeting. Which I was hosting this time around. We ended up having a record amount of attendees. Which was awesome because it was our 1 year anniversary!! It was quite exciting seeing how big we had grown in a years time. The book we discussed was my pick. I was actually a little disappointed. I chose: Eat, Pray, Love By: Elizabeth Gilbert. I chose it mostly because the movie was going to be coming out 3 or 4 days after our meeting. It was a very hard book for me to get through. I was not impressed! I actually liked the movie more then the book. I think that's the first time I have ever been able to say that. But anyway check out the movie it was great. The book club went as a group to a matinee on the following Saturday. It was a blast seeing it together because we all were laughing at the same times and whispering to each other when we thought something would have looked different in the movie. We meet for lunch at a great little downtown cafe. It was a wonderful book club meeting and Saturday lunch date.

August 13th Mama Farmer had to have another 9 liters drained... The doctors are beginning to be more and more concerned with the amount of fluid she is creating. So they have decide to put off doing Chemo till her strength returns and hopefully the liver will cut back on creating so much excess fluid...

The next week was actually pretty uneventful except for my weekly exercise class. Back in July my mama literally begged me to take a Zumba class with her. She is always looking for something for "Us" to do together. So we can bond.... I don't know if you all know this but my mother drives me batty!! But I knew she wouldn't let up unless I just gave in and went with her. So I did and no I have a new obsession!!!! Zumba !!!!! Oh my goodness if you don't know what this is you need to run to your local gym and beg for them to start it!!! I also thought that if I went to this class with my mom I would be able to spend time with her, without "spending" time with her. If you get my drift!! :) I have been working really hard and diet and exercise this past month. I'm going to the gym for Zumba 2 to 3 days a week. I haven't lost any lbs but I know I'm losing serious inches!!! My arms and legs are getting so toned!! I can't believe it!!! And now I don't feel guilty for ever seeing my mother... And we are sooo busy working out she can't say anything snarky!!! I only have to listen to her snarkiness walking into class and walking out! How about them apples?

August 18th and 19th I had my yearly meltdown... The one where I am reminded at how old my ovaries are going to be on the 20th of August. Last year I had a melt down at work when I came back from lunch and my office had a surprise birthday party for me. They had cake, ice cream, balloons, flowers, the works! Yes I know you probably think I'm to young to have birthday melt downs! But I always thought I would have had all my kiddos by now and my hubby and I would just be happy raising toddlers in to happy children... Not trying to deal with the fact that I may never be a parent... So this year I took the dreaded day off so as to avoid any surprises. Side note: Tears and snot don't look very nice on pastel cake icing
I had planned on spending the whole day with my hubby hauling grain and not letting my brain wonder to "the Dark side." But my mother being the wonderful mother that she is. Had other plans!! My mom planned a lunch date for me, mom, dad my aunt (my godmother) Aka Mrs. Fertile Mertyle and 3 of her 11 children. She has never had a multiple these are all singletons!! She is a wonderful mother! She is a stay at home mom. My uncle has a wonderful job. But of all people for my mother to surprise me with this is the woman! I got to spend the one day that is the darkest for me staring back at her with watching my sweet little cousin cuddle in her lap. And knowing if she wanted to she could have one more... Yes these are the woman in my family the ones that say I'm ready for another one... 9 months later they have a beautiful baby bundle in their arms. I am the 2nd oldest grandchild of 42 grandchildren!!! This number does not include any great grand babies! My mom's side of the family is huge and it's so frustrating because every female is fertile but me!!!
So I sit at my surprise birthday luncheon trying to enjoy myself and I do for the most part. But sometimes my heart burns being around the woman on mom's side. Because they are all blissfully ignorant of the pain associated with being reproductively challenged. I thanked her profusely for driving up with the kiddos and and spending time with me on my birthday. This aunt is actually closer in age to me then she is to my mother. When I was younger we were quite close. She was just like an older sister to me and my sister.
By the time I had gotten home I was so emotionally drained. I had wanted to avoid all subjects pertaining to pregnancy, birth, babies, children, etc. on my Birthday and instead I was exposed to lethal does of all the above. I was so blue by the time Hubby came home I didn't want to celebrate anymore! But he wanted to take me shopping for my birthday present. I had it in my head that I was going to get an e-reader. I've been drooling over them for awhile now!! And so we drive the hour down to the biggest town around to look them over. And I talk myself out of all of the ones at bes.t buy because they were CRAPPY!!! And me being the tech savvy that I am didn't realize that the only place they had the k.indle was at Ta.rget!! Am I the only one who didn't know that? So we run over to the Ta.rget. To get my Birthday present and guess what? They didn't have ANY!!! And it will be several weeks before they do be cause the new version has just come out!! Just my Luck!! So not only did I not get to do what I wanted for my birthday, I had to suffer through all the questions I cannot stand and then I didn't even get the present that I wanted!!! All I wanted was a day for ME!! Was that to much to ask for?

After the birthday fiasco I had a somewhat quiet week at work. And then we actually got Mama Farmer talked into a little trip with her 2 besties to the French Lick Spa!! We didn't think we were going to get her to go. She changed her mind a half a dozen times before they actually picked her up. She thought she would get sick while she was there or the food wouldn't agree with her. But nothing bad happened. The food all agreed with her and she had a blast with her girlfriends! They got the works done. (As much as she could participate in considering her health) I tell you though, she looked like a different woman when she came home! She was literally glowing Sunday afternoon! I really think it boosted her morale. We all have tried so hard to help her and to be there for her. We have tried everything in our arsenal to cheer her up and to help her feel better. But I guess there are just some things that only your girlfriends can do...

That my friends if you are still here and made it this far was my month... I hate that I have been so lax in writing. I'm hoping to remedy that! I plan on doing a blog kick in the pants! So stay tuned.

Love & Hugs to you all!!

4th of July

What are your plans for the 4th? I hear this question everyday for a week or 2 before the actual holiday. Usually Mr. Farmer and I like to lay low when it comes to holidays we don't commit. We like to be free agents so we can flutter from party to party and then hit the road early so we can go home and :::GASP::: cuddle and watch TV!! Yes Mr. Farmer and I are home bodies. We love to stay home and snuggle with the cat on the couch eating ice cream and catching up on our DVR. So we kind of thought we would be doing the same thing this year... Mama Farmer has always had the 4th of July party at her house and we could go down and eat and set the fireworks off for the kiddos and then bail. But this year my Sister In Law had told us that she would be having the 4th of July party at her house. Because Mama Farmer just can't mess with it this year Sister Farmer said she would do it... Great!! Mr. Farmer and I can make an appearance and hang out with the kiddos and then bail out and get a good nights sleep :::WINK WINK::: Well yesterday afternoon Sister Farmer calls Mr. Farmer with a grocery list of excuses why she can't have the 4th at her house!! And since Mama can't have it then that means we GET TO HOST IT!!! How great!! But the icing on the cake was this whole time she has been inviting everyone and their brother's cousin's, step brother's, mother in law to the party... And telling them it will be at: Mr. & Mrs. Farmer's house!!!! So hell now I have to scramble around and get everything in order for the whole neighborhood + cousins, in laws and out laws. While I'm working everyday this week!! BUT get this: Sister Farmer works for the local school corp. So she is out of school for the summer! And she could be getting her place ready for the party but one of her excuses was she wouldn't be able to because she has to work at the local fair on Saturday for 4 hours... What the Hell?!!! I'm just a tad overwhelmed now! I do LOVE having parties! And the 4th of July is one of my very favorite holidays but I don't like having to rush at the last minute getting food together pulling out decor etc because someone dumped their party on me!! Am I being a little whiny? Do I have a right to be upset with My Sister in Law? I just feel dumped on!! Like I said I do love having people over and I love the 4th! But the plan was that she was going to have the party NOT us!!! Oh and let me add one more insult to injury: I have to work Monday!!! So not only will I have half of our neighbors in my yard/barn and house till all hours I will have to drag my ass out the door to work early in the morning!! Not FAIR!!!!