A blank page

It's funny how the blog post screen is not truly white. It's kinda swirly grayish white. I loved clean white crisp paper pages in my journals. I used to write so much when I was younger. I wrote about the stupidest, most moronic things. But they were journal worthy to me! When I'm bored I'll pull out a stack and tumble back through time for a few hours. I had to give a story to everything that happened. I wrote in detail what a boy friend at the time had worn when we went out to dinner. Or what I said when we were driving all over the back roads. It all seemed SO important. I had an urgency to document what was happening to me back then. I don't understand why I had that drive to write so much back then. It was like an itch I couldn't scratch. I remember how my mother would get so mad at me when I had a paper due for school that was a 500 word essay or something and I couldn't ever think of something suitable to write about. But I could spend hours writing in my journal! I would fill up an average size journal in 3 months or less. I thank God, now that I had that drive. Because so many of those details have slipped out of my memory. I don't know if it's just old age or maybe to many bad heart aches that I just block those years out. But now the few memories I have from my teens and early twenties I can only piece together with my journals. I wonder now if maybe that's what will keep happening as I get older? That is why I MUST keep writing. I don't want to forget these days!! Even though Mr. Farmer and I have so much craziness going on in our lives right now I don't want to forget my feelings and the funny little details that happen, they may just might fall through the cracks in my memory bank just like all the rest. Mama Farmer has been back in the hospital all week. She was put back into the Critical Care Unit because she has began losing blood again. I guess the Chemo has made her veins weak inside her liver so they burst easily and she ends up bleeding internally until they can cauterize the veins to stop the bleeding. They did that yesterday. This is the 2nd time they have had to do this in less then a month... The day before she started losing blood. Mama Farmer's brother ended up getting put into the hospital (Critical Care Unit also) because he was filling up with fluid he couldn't hardly breath and felt like he was suffocating... He was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure he only has about 30% good muscle mass (not sure how to explain this) in his heart. Because he has probably been suffering from Congestive heart failure for a LONG time. His kidney's have began shutting down. He really is in such bad shape. The man never took care of his self he is over weight and has smoked at least a pack and a half of cigarettes a day everyday for 35+ years. On top of all that he drinks 2 gallons of coffee a day. The man was just a ticking time bomb. So Mama Farmer and her Baby Brother have been in the Critical Care unit all week right down the hall from each other. Mama Farmer's mother is completely beside herself. She is 80 years old and has been having to face the reality of maybe seeing 2 of her 3 children die before she does... Mama Farmer's brother is married but never had children. He has always treated Mr. Farmer as they son he didn't have. Mr. Farmer it seems is just inside out. I have never thought so much about death as I have over the last year and a half. And I used to work in a nursing home for 4 years and death was almost a daily occurrence there. But to be the primary care giver of a family member who is fighting cancer and let me tell you she is FIGHTING it!!! Death/cancer seems to be crawling through my home, seeping in under the doors and setting down at the table with me when I eat my cereal. It seems to make every thought I have follow it along into the darkness. I'm wore out thinking what next. What do we do when X happens. What about after Y treatment. What will she do if she can't get strong enough for Y treatment?.... Will we my happy posting/journaling days ever come back?... I'm wore out from worry!! I know that we all have trials and tribulations. But how long are they supposed to last? I'm not saying I don't have good days at all anymore but the clouds of the bad days are always hanging in the back ground of my good days. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wish some days that I could go back to the days of those crisp blank white pages when I had so much to share but it really wasn't anything special. When life wasn't so scary and it was an adventure waiting to happen.

Mama Farmer Update

Mama Farmer had been doing so good lately. She really had!! At Christmas she wasn't doing to hot. She was getting really run down from the chemo so they said we will hold off on the Chemo as long as your numbers don't go too crazy. So Christmas came and went without Chemo. New Years was good beacause she got her appitite back. The first week of Feburary came and she was getting plump cheeks and even had some color on them!! And she wanted to make a trek to one of her favorite resturants. Which was over an hour away. She was ready to chow down!! So the whole family took a drive on a cold and blustry Saturday night in February. We had a blast. 3 kiddos 6 adults and countless plates of high fat German cooking later we all were giggling and laughing have a great time. She fell asleep in the back seat with me. It was a great night. Valentine's Day popped up and she decorated the house to the hilt. She had hearts on anything that would sit still long enough.... Her poor cat!! Mama F. was doing great. It was just like old times. She even began to ride to the barn and feed her horses with us. She hadn't done that in a long time. Mama F was getting her stride back.
But cancer is a bitch....
She lies in the dark waiting for the most unsuspecting moment to come roaring back to life again. Last week Mr. Farmer came into the living room and Mama F. wasn't feeling quite up to par. She said her arm hurt and itched. She was sleepy and didn't feel like feeding tonight. So he thought maybe she had just been doing too much. Then the next day she stayed home from work and slept all day. Her arm was worse we called the doctor and took her in. They said she had gotten Shingles!!! Just what she needs! When her immune system is already non exsistent now she has to try and fight shingles. She got to feeling really bad last week from them but they uped her meds so she would be able to cope with them better. They cause a lot of pain. So they were really concerned about that. They started to spread. They got on her face and it was hard for her to open her eyes because of the swelling. But then this week they began to shrink and the pain started to subside. She felt good enough to go into work. Yesterday she headed to work made it about an hour and then had to go potty.
Then Cancer played a dirty trick...
She got sick and then started to bleed....

Right now she is sitting in a hospital bed waiting for surgery on her liver....

Why does cancer have to whoop on her like this?...

Why can't Cancer play Fair?

Why can't I have a happy post my first week back to blogging?

I miss writing happy stuff.

2 year Blogversary!!

Wow where has the time gone? I never thought in a million years back on that September afternoon in 2008 that 2 years from then I would still have empty arms, just waiting for a baby to fill them. Or begging my mother in law to eat every day. Oh and having to know that in the time it has taken my sister to bring 3 children into the world I haven't even brought one in to it.

I'm a little melancholy today. Even though Mama farmer was released from the hospital about an hour ago. We have her snuggled in on the couch. She tells us she is not hungry but she has strict orders to eat every 2 hours. But she is as stubborn as the colt standing in the lot out back. The doctors said it wasn't her gallbladder causing her trouble it was from the lack of nourishment... She is starving herself again. She doesn't want to deal with the nasty side effects of having most of her colon removed so she doesn't want to eat any solid food now. Which has in turn put her in the hospital for almost 5 days filling her body back up with protein, potassium, & calcium, which she has starved her body of. She kept telling us she was eating. But we aren't there with her all day. I want so badly to take a way the pain of cancer and the pain of all the belly issues involved but I can't. I can only watch as she deals with it the only way she thanks she can.... Mr. Farmer and I had a fight last night and I know it was mostly because he is so concerned about his mother. This his fuse is short. They have such a close relationship and this whole thing is killing him. He wants her to see his future children and to look forward to the future with him and our family. My heart is bleeding because of the unkind words we said to each other. Even though I know it's because we are maxed out. We have hit the boiling point and it's effecting our home life!!

CANCER SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm praying that this last time in the hospital will have scared her into changing her ways. She has until Tuesday to keep her levels up at the same if not better then what they were this morning. Please Pray that she does! They won't do anymore chemo until she gets her body into a little bit better shape. Her little body is so frail. He skin hangs like a hobo's rags. She was always a very curvy lady. She was beautiful and vivacious. Loud and unafraid. Now I feel that cancer has seeped into her very soul and robbed it of our dear Mama Farmer. That Evil Bitch: Cancer has used her nasty black tentacles and wrapped them around our hearts and is squeezing... I don't know when she will let us go... Or if she ever will.

Can I go back to 2008? Please...

Baby Chicks

As promised I'm sharing some more farm animals today... I guess probably because these are the only creatures I get to spend time with... I talk to them pet them and sometimes if there good they get a squeeze!!! First are some baby chicks. Mama Farmer works for our local School District and she is good friends with the first grade teacher. And every year the teacher comes out to Mama Farmer's farm to get eggs to hatch for her class. The class learn about incubation and eggs, chickens and the whole nine yards and then when the baby's hatch they get sent back to Mama Farmer to raise. It's a fun time for the kiddos. The kids actually remember her years later when they see her in town and they ask about the chickens its pretty cute. This time around we had she had about 26 or so hatch and now we have a little coop of baby chicks to stare out each night. They are so cute when they first hatch.... And then they get to the awkward half chick/half chicken stage which is just scary!!!

See how cute they are here?


But now they are starting to lose the cute fuzz


And now!! They have hit puberty!!


It's just a matter of weeks from the time they are hatched till they start getting feathers. I hate it! I wish they would stay cute and fuzzy forever... But then I wouldn't get eggs... So I guess it's a good trade off.


See this little gal looks like she is going to be a loud one!! I can't wait.

And now for the horses:

Maverick And Misty

About a week ago we had a scary situation with Maverick. He's getting older and he has been losing a lot of weight. He's almost 26 years old. And he got down and wasn't wanting to eat. It scared us half to death. But the vet got him all fixed up and eating again but it wasn't a good week in the Farmer family Households!!! Maverick is Mama Farmer's Baby and she hasn't been doing to well her self and if we would have lost Maverick I don't know what she would have done!! She probably would have lost it. I know that some people wouldn't quite be able to understand that. But he has been a part of this family for a LOOOOONG time he IS a child to her. And I can't imagine what that would do to her. I just pray he doesn't decide to leave us anytime soon. Mama Farmer is still needing prayers though!! Keep them rolling her way please! She just can't seem to get a break. Although this coming Wednesday will be her LAST Chemo!! But the Chemo has just been whooping her teeny tiny behind. She has lost sooo much weight she doesn't even look like the women she was 5 months ago. Cancer has been so hard on this family!! I wish I could take it from her but I can't so we all do what we can. But it's so hard to watch this wonderful woman be eaten alive by a monster no one can see.

Leo

Yes my horoscope tells me I'm a Leo. I'm not really into all that nonsense but on occasion I will read it if some one has a copy of the paper laying on their desk. Today one of the guys I work with had an article he wanted me to read in our local paper. So I read it and my eyes glanced over to the Horoscope column and quickly found this:

LEO (July 23- Aug 22) - Some major impediments in an arrangement you're trying to get to work will finally break away and let you grow crops in what was a field of weeds.

Ummmm Well that was interesting! I do tend to think of my body as a barren field... So what would the major impediment be? Maybe the fact that I did not ovulate with my miracle herbs! Or maybe I will get another period on them in the next week or so and then in the new cycle I will ovulate!!!!... That is a lot to think about. I just thought I would share this with you all. Since I thought it was so funny that it was farming related and kinda sorta made me think. I'm thinking I need you all to give me your insights on what this horoscope means. I don't know how to decipher them. And I always like to add: "In Bed" even though you are only supposed to do that on fortune cookies!! :)

Oh Holy cow!!! For shits and Giggles I just read Mr. Farmers!! Hold on to your hats!!!

Pisces (Feb 20- March 20) - If you have something interesting you've been working on, and you are ready to launch, throw the switch now. You could be extremely lucky today regarding new endeavors.

WOW! Now if that's not creepy I don't know what is! I think just to be on the safe side I might have to jump Mr. Farmer tonight... Hey my Horoscope said so right?

Fertility update: I pulled out the dreaded, evil and despicable CBEFM. Back when I began spotting about 31 days ago and i peed on sticks faithfully every morning for 20 days. Now it's telling me it's low again I never got a peak fert symbol. But I feel really good taking this stuff I don't know what it's doing. I had some pretty weird cramping right around the time I "should" have been ovulating. So maybe my body is trying to do this. I think I will go one more round on the "Au natural stuff" and then maybe in about 2 months time we will be in a better position to go back to the RE and try again. Mama Farmer actually feels somewhat better but she is carrying a whole lot of equipment around with her. They just added a vacuum to the wound on her stomach to assist in the healing. Her body just is not wanting to heal and I know the chemo probably is mostly to blame for that. But hopefully by the end of June she will have finished all the Chemo treatments. She had to do 13 total and we will be coming up on the 11th this next week. So by July Mr. Farmer will have harvested the wheat got the late beans planted and we will slow down a little. And I will be on may way to Dr. B.... Maybe

The In Law's

Since the hubster has been farming till late in the evenings. I have been having to feed the "In Laws" that live in Mama Farmer's barn. They are all quite comical so I thought I would share a few pictures from Mama Farmer's farm.

Today I'm just going to introduce you to the horses. Mama Farmer really does treat these 3 like they are her babies. So I guess Mr. Farmer has 2 "little" brothers and 1 "little" sister... Mama farmer has a heart bigger then the state of Indiana. These horses all had no where else to go. Misty and her daddy Easy came into the family last year. They were half starved, abused and sick. Misty's mother actually died from starvation at the hands of their previous owner. It was terrible!!! Misty hasn't been broken yet. Mama farmer had planned on doing that this summer before we found out about the "Big C" so we might bring in a trainer and take care of breaking her for Mama Farmer. But anyway this is another branch of the family...

p.s. Please forgive the weird shots they are not used to a camera!! Easy didn't like it and Misty and Maverick were really interested in it.

This handsome snout belongs to Maverick. He is Mama Farmer's biggest and oldest Baby! He is actually a Mustang that she adopted through the government 20+ years ago.

The government actually tattoos the mustangs and you can still see it right below his mane. It's the white markings there. I think it says U.S. and a number. He is pretty old so it's not very legible.

And this little turkey is Misty. She is the youngest of the 3 horses. She is just over a year old. She is ornery as hell!! Misty has a good little heart even though she is demanding and quite the Diva!! I guess it doesn't help that she is the only female out of the 3 either.

Misty and Maverick's hind end.

MMMMmmmm Dinner!!!

This is Misty's Papa Easy. Don't be fooled by the name he is NOT easy going at all!! Although he is a stud... So he may be EASY in that department... I just don't know. Maybe one day I can get a nice picture of him up close and personal... He doesn't like the camera.

And this I threw in just for Shits and Giggles!!!

THE END!!!

Thank You Mrs. Ashley!!

This post is kind of a Thank you note and a PSA all wrapped up in one!

The other day I was writing about maybe looking into a fertility treatment that was a little less invasive then the injectables, with constant monitoring. Where my hubby and I, are at right now in our lives with his mama being sick and having to take care of 2 farms and 2 households full time. It's just to hectic to even begin to think about adding a new cycle into the mix right now. Especially since we are full swing in Planting season. So I thought about seeing another doctor and see what he had to say. But I have to say I chickened out!! I'm just not ready to go into all that again. I think I'm just remembering the hour drive to the dr every morning being hopeful and then the hour back to work crying. Then my whole day being jacked up cause I was chock full of hormones and a ball of nerves waiting to hear back about the results. I guess I'm just too freaking sensitive!!! So I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. But I didn't want to keep wasting time!!

But then Mrs. Ashley over at Infertile Myrtle http://ifashley.blogspot.com/ stopped in and told me about FertilAid and how it helped her ovulate!!! I secretly don't think I have ever ovulated! So I was intrigued! I went to the website: http://www.fairhavenhealth.com/ and there are literally tons of reviews from woman who have PCOS or who were regular but not ovulating. And who after having used it and it they began to ovulate and even become regular! I'm not so much buying it to get pregnant all though that would be awesome!! I would just love to be able to start cycling like a "NORMAL" woman! I have NEVER EVER been regular. I would really like to be able to work with my body to get it on some kind of routine. Right after I read the reviews I thought what the hell! it's not expensive and if I could get my body to give me a period just once with out prometruim it would pay for it self in my opinion! So I ordered a bottle of the supplement and bag of the FertiliTea and a Fertility Candle... Yes Total Cheese I know!! But I'm a sucker for candles and I was on a mission!! Oh and they had free shipping!! So I stocked up!! I was on the site for a long time just reading everything I could.They make formulas for guys and gals! Although we won't be needing the guy formula. It actually just sounds like a SUPER DUPER Vitamin! Here are the facts:

FertiliTea Organic and Wildcrafted Herbal Ingredients:
• Chasteberry (vitex) - stimulates the hormones involved with ovulation and helps restore female hormonal balance. It is used as an herbal treatment for infertility and is especially helpful for women with irregular cycles, failure to ovulate, or a short luteal phase.
• Red raspberry leaf - highly regarded for its ability to tone the uterus and muscles of the pelvic region. A highly nutritive ingredient, red raspberry is a powerful fertility-promoting herb, especially when used in combination with peppermint.
• Green tea - a powerful antioxidant that enhances reproductive health by repairing the oxidative damage that occurs naturally as the result of environmental toxins and aging. Much has been written about the positive correlation between green tea and fertility.
• Ladies mantle - a “tonic” herb that is useful in regulating a woman’s monthly cycle. It also exerts a toning effect on the cervix.
• Nettle leaf – contains a wide spectrum of vitamins and minerals that are critical to good reproductive health, including Vitamins A, C, D, K, potassium, phosphorous, iron, and sulfur; also contains calcium, key for conception and maintaining pregnancy.
• Peppermint leaf – gives FertiliTea a delicious flavor and has the added benefit of serving as a sexual stimulant.

Well for everything I ordered it wasn't expensive at all. And free shipping to boot! So if your wanting to try something different check it out! My order said it had shipped out to day too! So that was nice to know that they work quickly! So now I'm beginning to feel like I'm actually being proactive instead of just waiting... Oh and stop by Infertile Myrtle and give her some Love!!!

Thank You Ashley for being so sweet and sharing that info with me I really appreciate it!! And also to the gals who shared links to other bloggers! I have been checking them all out! Thanks again!!!

Oh and I apologize for my lack of skills on making the links Blog "correct" I couldn't for the life of me get the damn thing to work so I gave up!! I'm soo sorry maybe I will one day figure out the art of making a correct clickable link!!

Love & Hugs

My goodness time has really gotten away from me again!! I'm soo sorry. We are still taking care of 2 households. And it's gotten a tad bit harder because now it's spring and Hubby is having to start working ground (1st step in getting the ground ready to plant grain). My Mama In law is still being hard headed!! Although we have gotten her to eat some ice cream along with the Ensure/Boost! And she has gained 2 pounds!!! So maybe we can cut the daily tongue lashings back a little. But she is still is depressed. Her Oncologist seems to think it's from her being upset about the fact that she got cancer in the 1st place. I don't know if I can agree with that. But I see his point. He thinks that since she has been healthy her whole entire life. And the only time she has ever spent in the hospital was after the birth of her children. And now she here she has been in and out of the hospital for over 2 months and barely able to function for over 4 months. So I guess maybe he might know something. But I just can't understand why she is depressed now! When the worst is behind her....

Other then the drama with the mama we are treading water. Hubby and I are doing great. My treatments for infertility are still hanging out on the back burner. I just feel to maxed out emotionally to have to try and deal with that too. But the want for a child waxes and wanes. Some days I think that maybe it's better this way. Just being the 2 of us. We can come and go when we want and stay out late and not have to worry about a baby sitter. Or even go backroading in the mustang at 10 o'clock at night and not have a baby to get home to. But then I think that maybe we only do those things because we don't have a baby to care for. That we fill up our free time with all that extra. And then I think about how much it hurts to know that if I keep going along making excuses as to why I'm not doing treatments I will wake up one day and it will be too late to do them. I ache for a child to hold in my arms. But it scares me to think that I might lose what Mr. Farmer and I have right now. We are soo happy right now.

I'm freely going to admit that I'm scared to death to get pregnant!!

But I'm scared to death I won't get pregnant!!

Now what sense does that make? Yes I know I don't make sense but I just thought I would throw it out there and expose myself for what I am... A Big fat Infertile Chicken!!

I have been having so many mixed emotions lately about getting KU and I don't really know how to deal with them or much less how to express them. So I'm dumping them all on you!!!

Next thing on the agenda: I think I'm going to have to ask for some Ass-vice on something. It's been waying pretty heavy on my mind. And to be quite honest it sprung out of no where. So Maybe over the next week I will have to lay on my sofa and ask Dr. Bloggy (You all!) to help me figure out the best course of action or maybe you all will tell me to not do anything... So stay tuned!! And if you don't hear from me about this issue then you better beat my blog door down or something!! Cause it's a doozie!

Oh and one more thing I forgot to tell you. The night my book club was set to discuss The Red Tent, my Mama in Law went back into the hospital! So I didn't have to go and deal with all the mama's in the Book club talking about the book and what it meant to them. (ie their birth stories etc.) I know once it got to my turn to tell them how I felt it would have totally gotten awkward so Thank the Lord I had a good excuse not to go this time around.... Although I do hate that Mama Farmer had to go back to the hospital.

**Dear Lord forgive me for thinking that Mama Farmer going into the hospital was a blessing for me!!!**

Well stay tuned for my sofa session cause I'm going to really need some help on this issue!

Frustration

We had a little glimmer of hope this past week. It was nice, Mama Farmer was doing better. The weather warmed up. We started looking forward to the Spring. Hubbs and I got to get away for the weekend. It was for my job. We were put up in a nice hotel and were given food and booze until we could barely walk back to our room. Mama Farmer wanted to celebrate her children's b-day's: My Hubby and his his Older sister were born 6 years and a day apart. So we all cooked out at The Farmer Family Home place. It was great! Mama farmer was actually laughing and smiling. She ate (which has been VERY hard to get her to do) and we all had a great time. Then today that glimmer just vanished! The home health nurse found Mama farmer's incisions were beginning to ooze and she had a fever... The nurse had to move her back to the hospital. The doctor is wanting her there for observation. It's like we were peddling a bike up the side of a mountain, we were just about to make the summit... And Wham-O we ended up sliding halfway back down the.

I don't know what to do or what to say to her anymore. She has been told a thousand times she won't heal, if she doesn't eat. But she thinks drinking one little bottle of Ensure a day is good enough. And we can't seem to get through to her. I know my hubby is at his wit's end right now. I just want to scream at her that the worst is over!!! She shouldn't be getting depressed now. She has a better prognosis now then she had back in October. When they were telling her the Cancer was in-operable. But now that she has the worst of the Cancer removed she just is so depressed and it's like fighting with a child to make her eat. I don't know what to do.

Please keep My Hubby and his Mother in your thoughts and prayers.

The Red Tent

As some of you may know I'm in a local book club. I haven't shared much lately cause it has been quiet uneventful. Just great reading!! My book club is compromised of mostly married women with children. The women range in age of 25 to 55. And not a one of them are infertile. They are all happy women who enjoy their children, life and their husbands. This has been perfectly fine for the past several months. I have enjoyed every month and looked forward to our next meeting and the next book. But today this new book hit me like a ton of well, "books." This new read thus far has been beautifully written. It's described from Dinah's point of view, of how she sees the women in her family. Dinah was a woman from the bible. She is the daughter of Jacob and Leah. She wasn't mentioned to much in the bible. Anita Diamant introduces you to her father, four mothers, and twelve brothers. The story seems to take place mostly in "The Red Tent." which is where the women during the dark of the moon. (aka Aunt Flow comes to town) All the women who happen to be sisters have always wanted a daughter to pass their stories down to. Because they can't pass their stories to the sons. The only woman in the family who has a daughter is Leah. So all the sisters pass their stories to Dinah during their mensuration when they are all together in "The Red Tent." So today I'm eating my lunch and reading my book in our local park. And like most Christian women I remember Rachel's struggle to get pregnant and her crying out to God. But I hadn't really thought too much about her lately. Especially when I have been trying to avoid all things fertile or infertile. Then while I'm eating my leftover, homemade goulash. I read where Bilhah, Rachel's younger sister comes to her after watching Rachel struggle with the grief and pain and trying everything in her power to become pregnant. Rachel drank potions from the local mid wife. She slept against trees, laid in rivers, ate snake meat and mandrake. Hoping that something would stir her body to create a life. And Bilhah couldn't watch her laying depression on her mat any longer so she offered her body to her sister. Saying I give you my womb and my breasts for your child. I sat there in my truck trying to swallow the lump that had immediately grown so large in my throat. I could hardly breath. And then those damn tears bursted out of the corners of my eyes. I got broadsided! I had never experienced a love like that from another woman. Or even for another women. It took my breath away to think that this poor little sister just wanted her older sister to be a mother so bad that she offered her body for her. It gives me chills thinking about it now as I type this out.

Had I read the reviews about the book I might have sensed that this book may have infertile undertones... Or maybe some flat out water works inducing pages. And then I probably wouldn't have wanted to read it. But as per usual I try not to find out anything about the upcoming book. Just so I won't have pre-conceived leanings about it.

Now I'm not telling you to not read this book. I will give my official view of this book once I'm done with it. But I'm sure it will be quite interesting.

So now here I am having to deal with my infertility all over again. I never told you all that we had to take a forced break (longer then what we had planned) because our extended family life just fell all to hell around us. This past weekend was the first time we hadn't been to the hospital every day in over 3 weeks. Life had just been to stressful to add fertility treatments into the mix. My plan was just not talk about it, don't think about it, and definitely not deal with it. But the more I would try to not think about it. The more I found myself thinking about it. We would find our self walking behind the most perfect little toddler walking hand in hand with his parents. Looking over his shoulder at us. WHY ME? I would ask. But the voice in the sky wouldn't answer me back.

My Mother in Law, Aka: Mama Farmer. Took a turn for the worst and it was bad for a couple weeks and right now it's still not fantastic but she is doing better. The day we almost lost her 2 weeks ago. I was watching her cancer ravaged body laying in the big white bed and the nurses were flying all around her rushing to get her poor little body stable enough to take her down stairs for emergency surgery. I saw the sheer terror in her eyes. Watching and almost recording her children's faces in her memory. I know why she was doing it. And I felt like I was inside out. Almost Like I wasn't a real woman. I couldn't shake the thought that I may not have anyone to pass my stories on to about my family...

100 posts!!!!

I'm happy to tell you all that I hit 100 posts today!! And I get to share some great news that my Mama In law is doing wonderful! Thank you all for praying for her! Considering what she has just been through and the size of the tumor that got removed (the size of an orange or roughly 3in around.) She has been such a trooper! She was smiling last night and we had her laughing too!! She is beginning to get some color back in her cheeks! So that is awesome news in my book!! Mr. Farmer is actually starting to sleep through the night again. He hasn't slept good in over 2 weeks. She still has a long road ahead of her. She has cancer on the lymph nodes around her liver which is inoperable but it can be treated with chemo. But she can't start treatments for that until she heals from this surgery. So I'm going to ask you all again for your prayers for my Mama in Law. She needs to heal quickly and the cancer needs to not grow anymore! And then we can start treatments in another month or so.

I'm so glad that this was my 100th post!!! I never in a million years would have thought that my 100th post would have been about my Mama in Law having surgery to remove cancer. I'm amazed at how this blog has evolved. I'm proud of it! I see this blog as some what of an infant. My baby. My Cyber baby. I'm glad I could share all of this with you. Thank you all for reading!!!

Surgery

The Blue Star of Hope


Tomorrow is Mama Farmer's Surgery. This is the surgery they told us she wouldn't be able to have because her tumor was too large... well she showed them!! Mama Farmer's tumor has shrunk tremendously! The doctors are all amazed at how much this tumor has changed in the last 4 months. It really doesn't seem possible that we have made the 4 month mark. They weren't giving us a whole lot of hope 4 months ago and now we have her tucked away in her little room in the hospital drinking liquids and being pumped up with IV's for her big day!!

I can't say we aren't worried. We are very concerned about her. My mother in law has lost nearly 65 pounds since September. (That is when she began to feel bad. But it wasn't until nearly the end of October that we got her talked into seeing a doctor.) So she is quite frail looking now. She has been doing Chemo every other week and of course Chemo isn't a walk in the park. She isn't doing cart wheels down the halls about having surgery. But I can say that she is looking forward to not hurting and cramping all day long. I hate seeing her in pain and not being able to help her. I want so bad to help her but all I can do is talk to her to try and focus her thoughts elsewhere. Yesterday afternoon we got the house ready for her being gone for the next week to 10 days. She isn't happy about that but I did have her laughing about the fact that she will get a whole week of quite, peaceful nights of sleep away from Papa Farmer... She had to laugh at that. She said she isn't sure she will be able to sleep without someone farting and snoring in the room... :) So I told her I will sneak up to her room one night and snore for her! I'm not to sure about the farting though!
So please pray for Mama Farmer tomorrow Bloggy land!!! She will be heading into Surgery at 2:00pm est time. So if you all aren't too busy think of my awesome Mama in law please!! And lift her up in your prayers. Thank you all!

I'm slowly coming out of my coma...

I fell off the face of the earth!! Yes I did!! I have fallen and I'm just starting to get up...

I think I just got into a funk of not wanting to deal with all the crap going on. So I just shut it out of my head (thinking like I usually do) that I would deal with it later...

My checking account got hacked into and over $600 was stolen from me... That took about 2 weeks to resolve. So thank God that is over! Then the company I work for thought it would be fun to change our whole sales software. They didn't give our customers any warning. Much less a warning for us. It was a VERY bad decision and in the end it has come back to bite them but has caught all us lowly sales people in the cross hairs. And yet again 2 other friends are pregnant. I found out recently and it hit me pretty hard. Both of these women have 4 children each already. And they have hardly any means of supporting the children they do have and yet they are adding another one to the brood. And I'm supposed to be happy about this?!!!!

On a happier note the Chemo for my Mother In law has been making short work of her tumor and hopefully in a matter of weeks, possibly days she will be undergoing surgery to remove it.

My husband and I have been taking care of her creatures... She is the female equivalent of Dr. Doolittle. Her animals miss her tremendously! I never thought too much of the relationship of human to animal until now. I really think it is an amazing bond, I have been privileged to witness over the past few months. You can tell that the horses know she is ill. She isn't always able to go with us to feed. But when she does they are gentler with her. They don't rush her like they used to when she was strong and healthy.

I think I'm becoming more aware of things lately. I don't know if I'm just coming into my own or aging or what is happening to me? But I had this A-ha moment yesterday at work when one of my co workers was complaining about how his wife got mad at him for leaving something where it wasn't supposed to be. I guess she just jumped all over him for it. I listened to his story for a bit and went back to my office thinking life is entirely too short for that crap. I never thought that I was a non-confrontational person? But I thought what good comes from bitching out your husband for putting his brief case on the hall table instead of under it? I guess I value the peace that Mr farmer and I have in our little life together too much. That just I don't see the point in getting all worked up over something so petty.

I know I'm rambling but I just thought I would put a thought into every one's head about maybe instead of bitching about something we can fix easily ourseleves. Maybe we should just do it and then just enjoy the peace from not being the nagging one...

Please flame me or comment I want your thoughts!

Gonal-F

Mmm Where do I begin?

I started my shots Tuesday night. It wasn't bad! It burned when the needle was in but other then that it wasn't too terrible. I actually couldn't feel the prick at all! Now the side effects are a WHOLE different ball of wax. I have been sick to my stomach since Tuesday evening. I'm too stubborn to get a prescription for nausea. Colleen the overly informative Nurse Pract. was really trying to push giving me a script. But I just asked what over the counter stuff can I use. So she cleared me to use Pepto sparingly and Tums too. Oh and too keep my belly full with protein rich foods! So I'm working on that. And I'm quite Moody!! I'm not usually that way. But I'm just a little grumpy today! But you know it may just be cause my belly hurts. But other then the belly hurting and a little bit of bloating it's not been too awful to be on FSH!!!

Last night we found out that Mr. Farmer's Mama may need a blood transfusion. So Hubby was sifting through all our important papers trying to find out what his blood type is. We both thought he would have had to have had his blood tested when he was a baby but we haven't found the papers yet. But we do know that I am a match to his mama so I called Dr. B. and he gave me the go ahead to give as much as I could. So if Mr. Farmer doesn't end up being a match I can at least help her out a little... Keep your fingers crossed that she won't need to do it. They say it could be very hard on her system to have a blood transfusion but her platelets are getting lower and lower. So we shall see tomorrow. Pray Pray Pray for her. She got hooked up to her chemo pack yesterday afternoon. For her 2nd round of chemo. And then tomorrow they will take her back off it and do blood work and some other tests to see how everything looks. So keep my family in your thoughts and prayers the next couple days please!!

Love & Hugs
Mrs. Farmer

CD 35

I made it to CD 35!! My damn body is so stubborn!! I POAS and it came back just like I expected it to! I have never POAS and not cried afterward. This was the 1st time I was not upset about a negative! I'm so excited to get this show on the road!! Even though my family has been turned on its ear lately I'm ready for us to get some happy news for a change. I had the weirdest day yesterday. I peed on my stick and then called the docs office and got the ball rolling for our new cycle. And then that evening I went to help my momma in law with the animals. She has a menagerie at her house. Its quite funny I call her Doctor Doolittle. The Docs don't want her to change her routine because of the cancer. They just want her to be careful about lifting and getting hit in the chest/breast plate. Because it could damage the port or the vein in the port. Or even pull the needle out that is running the chemo into her body for the next several hours. So I went down to help her feed. Which mostly I did the heavy lifting. Cause she is NOT an invalid!! Which she kept reminding me of. And then I fed the horses because they like to bump her around with their extra large heads and nuzzle her around the face. And so they wouldn't accidentally hurt her without meaning to. And she of course felt like I was babysitting her. But we made it through feeding and headed back up to the house. And set down to talk for awhile. She said that she had just been talking to her sister in law who said that her daughter had trouble with her periods and all she had to do was take clomid and she got pregnant 2 months later... (This girl just had her 4th child the day my MIL found out she had cancer) So I should just do what she did!!! And it would help me too!!! I can see that my MIL is worried that we won't get to have any kids and I don't really share all the dirty little details with her about my appts. But she knows a 100% more then my own mother knows at this point. I just thought it was cute and sad that she is more worried about Ryan & I having a child then she is about the chemo she is packing around with her. She is my hero!!!

When she was diagnosed she told the doctor that if anyone had to have it her family she was glad it was her. She didn't want anybody else to have to deal with it!!!
I don't know if I could be that way about it.

So last night I told her how my doctor feels like my problem is too big for clomid to help it. So we are doing some heavy duty drugs to start with. And she asked how long it will take to work? I said hopefully we will know by the 1st week or so of Dec if I'm pregnant. And then she said wouldn't that be a nice Xmas present? And I almost wanted to cry!!! So please God let me be able to give My MIL and hubby the bestest Christmas present ever!!!! Santa do you hear me too? I'm counting on you all to help me in this mission!!!! I want to be able to tell her at Christmas that she will have one more Grand baby that she has to fight cancer for!!!

Oh and while I was at lunch with my poppa today I got a phone call from one of my hubby's farm hands who said I won a prize off the radio. Our local radio station was giving away a spa package for 4 this week so I called in to enter. I really thought my MIL could use it and sure enough I won the darn thing!!! How awesome would that be? So maybe while I'm waiting to hear if I got KTFU I can take my MIL out and maybe my SIL and niece to get all pampered! So like I said its been a weird 24 hours but I wouldn't change it. And we are about 2 days out from getting all our crops in too. So its been a week of roller coaster moments but we get through it all some how.
I hope you all Have a wonderful weekend!!!

Love & Hugs

The C word...

I have avoided blogging for a week now. I just couldn't find the words. I'm still at a loss for where to begin or how to begin. Sometimes it seems like trouble just follows us. My husband and I. Now it seems to have filtered into our family. On Wednesday afternoon of last week. My husbands mother, the most wonderful person in the world was diagnosed with colon cancer. Our lives have just gone topsy turvey and I feel like I could vomit right now. I thought I would just go along and not blog about this because I am a somewhat anonymous blogger. But the more I sit here and keep it bottled up the more it hurts. I'm VERY VERY close to my MIL she is wonderful. My husband is very close to her too. She actually introduced me to her son. We have such a great relationship and now I may lose it. I feel so guilty for not being able to provide her grandchildren from my husband and I. I know how much she wants my hubby to have a baby boy. And so I guess I just needed to put this all out here and get it off my chest. I can't carry it around any longer. She doesn't want anyone to know just yet. So just our immediate family know and that's it. This morning we took her to the hospital to get a port set up in her chest for chemo treatments and as I'm typing this she is receiving her 1st round of chemo. All I can think of is I will lose the one women in my life who feels like my mother. My mother is not my mom. She isn't mentally stable and my MIL has always been there for me. She actually was going to be the one person I wanted with me when I delivered my children. I'm so scared and worried about her and my husband. I know this is just another trial in our life that will bring us all closer together.

Oh and to top it all off tomorrow I will have to call the RE for the start of this cycle!! Here we go medicated cyle. I'm so worried about all this. But Hubbs wants to go ahead with our plans. So PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY for us!!!! I'm soo going to need it!!!