ICLW

I'm so excited to say that this is my first time... I was pretty nervous and a little apprehensive at first. But the more comments I get and give the more comfortable I'm getting. I'm not as lost as I thought I would be the 1st time around. And I don't feel so alone in all this. I almost feel ashamed for being so crabby and depressed this past week. And whining about how horrible long cycles are. But I will try and bring some sunshine into my blog this weekend. So it isn't all doom and gloom. Thank you again for stopping by and reading.

Horrifying!!!! Shocking!!!! Terrifiying!!!!

Do you want to see the most horrifying picture on earth?







Well I think horrifying might be a little over kill! Ok maybe a lot of over kill!!




It’s just something that I think most women who are trying to conceive would think was horrifying. This is 5 pages taped together! This is what a 165 day cycle looks like! This is the reason I’m so upset by the whole PCOS thing and why I’m so depressed!!! I just thought you all should get a peek at what I have to look at every morning and afternoon!! I guess a girl with that long of a cycle should be entitled to a bitch session every once in awhile. Am I right? I haven’t had to buy any type of feminine protection since before spring!!! And it is now almost the END of summer!!!


My acupuncturist seems to think that since I have had a period during the time she has treated me that my body can do this naturally. And it needs to do it on its own. Not with the intervention of medications. So she is actually trying to heal me instead of make me have a period. Does that make sense? So in a way I agree with Beth (the greatest woman I have ever known) But something keeps tugging at my heart and saying: "Just go call the RE and see what he can do for you… It may take 6 months to get an appt. You wouldn’t have to give up on Acupuncture. Just do it together!" But then I feel guilty for thinking about giving up. Especially if the light at the end of this tunnel could be right around the corner. I don’t know what to do!!! I’m exhausted of waiting for my period to show up. I’m exhausted of watching my temps rise and fall and knowing that there is no way in hell there is going to be an ovulation. And that this whole cycle has been a bust. To be quite honest a waste of hope, worry, and temperatures. Please pray for me to be patient. I feel my heart getting heavier and heavier with each passing day. I had so much hope for trying to get pregnant through acupuncture but now I feel like I need to start revising my plans and looking into other avenues. I guess I should ask what would you do? Should I stick with this since I have invested so much time, energy and money? Or cut my loses and give up and try the RE? My husband really thinks I should stick with Beth for a little while longer because 1 I feel better (health wise) then I have in my entire life. 2 I sleep better and I have more energy. 3 I don’t have headaches like I used to anymore. And I know it’s because of acupuncture. So he thinks if I’m just patient it will all work out. I hope he is right!!

My goodness I let a week slip by and didn’t get back on here and update about my acupuncture appointment. For that I am truly sorry. But When I don’t hear the news I want to hear I tend to bury my head like an ostrich and wish I hadn’t heard it all. It’s almost as if I say the truth out loud then it’s true. But if I don’t talk about it or write about it then it can’t possibly be true. That’s logical right?

The herbs haven’t made me start. My patience is hanging on my by a thread. And now that thread is slowly beginning to unravel. I want this to work more than anything! Shouldn’t that be enough? She wants to start a different round of herbs this next week. She is having them specially blended for me at a pharmacy out west. This will be the 2nd batch that has been blended for me. I don’t want to go and do what I know is the next step. but yet I do want to take that step. I want it to be simple! I want to say let’s have a baby. And not have to debate with myself about the doctor I should choose or what medical procedure would be ethical for me! Why is it so damn hard for so many of us? I watch the bellies of the women in my small circle of friends slowly getting rounder and rounder as the weeks go by. And I notice myself quietly walking away from them lest my jealousy get the better of me. I don’t trust myself anymore. I’m happy for them but it eats at me in way I never thought possible.
This weekend I have a baby shower to attend that is for my cousin’s girlfriend. From the outside looking in she isn’t excited about it all. And I have to go and put a smile on my face and try not to give her the tongue lashing she deserves. I do fine with the women that I know are truly excited about the life growing inside them. But it’s the women I know that would much rather not be pregnant that drive me batty. I want to scream at them! Do you not understand the miracle you possess? The gift you are able to give? You can grow a baby!! I can only watch!!! Where is the justice in that?

I think a lot of the reason I’m so moody today is because I will turn 27 tomorrow. I had always imagined myself having at least 2 children by this age. It’s driving me insane knowing that I may not even have one child by the time I hit 30. I’m so depressed about this birthday for some reason. All week long I have just about come to tears thinking about it. I can’t control it. I ache for a child and now I’m no longer going to be in my mid twenties. I will hit the late twenties mark with no child in my arms or even in my belly!! It hurts so much. I’ve just always figured I would have kids. I knew it would take a little bit of time. But I never thought it would take this much. Or would have me turning into a jealous barren woman!!! And it doesn’t help that I have to hear my mother tell me that she had 2 kids by the time she was my age. Her sisters each had 3 and 4 by the time they were my age. I’m wasting time!!! I’m not getting any younger. And by the time we get around to it Farmer will be 40 when our kid goes to kindergarten! I have heard it all from my mother. She also seems to think the reason God isn’t blessing us with a child is because we “lived in sin” before we were married… God is punishing us!!! I swear all this is starting to wear my nerves thin. I believe in a loving God whereas my mother the Holy Roller that she is seems to disagree. Lord please forgive me for complaining, but your not making this any easier!!!!

A Stalemate

Yee Haw!!! Its Acupuncture day and I have been praying for a miracle. Well actually just recently I started praying for a miracle. I have been hoping for a looooooong freaking time but not praying. I guess it’s safe to say I have become one of those people that just pray when they want something…. (My mother would fall over dead if she read that sentence!) I’m not asking for much. Just for a period!! Is that too much to ask? I’m on cd155!!! I haven’t had a period in 155 days!!! I have sworn off using medications to make me start and now I feel myself starting to waver. I wanted this to work without medication. I have read a 101 success stories of women overcoming PCOS by acupuncture. And now I feel like my hope is fading. I just want a baby so bad and I really don’t know if I can hold out much longer. I’m feeling so frustrated about the whole thing. I know how wonderful I feel from going to acupuncture. My quality of life is so much better I just haven’t been able to have a period since the first month I started going to acupuncture. Now my female organs have entered into a stalemate. I don’t know what to do it end it. I tell myself if I give up now it will take at least a few months to get into the Reproductive Endocrinologist. And in that time frame I might have gotten pregnant if I had just stuck it out a little while longer. So I guess I have found myself between the rock and that hard place I always hear about. Hopefully I will have some answers tonight from the most understanding medical professional I have ever met in my life… I think all doctors need to start out practicing in Eastern Medicine for awhile just to learn how to relate to people and then after 5 years they could be let out to practice western medicine and or both. I have been so amazed at how my body has changed by what she has done. That is why I know deep down this works I just don’t understand why it’s taking so long for me!!!!

Glutton

Bless me father for i have sinned... Yes I have to confess that I've been a glutton and its terrible!!! I shouldn't have!! But I did. Actually my hubby is to blame too. But you can't confess the sins of another at confession. So here goes: within a 24 hour period I (we) ate a half a pan of brownies and a half dozen sugar cookies!!! I was on a weird baking kick yesterday. Don't ask me why. I made 3 dozen sugar cookies and a huge pan of brownies. (I wonder if that's why I feel like a zombie today!!!) I'm in a sugar coma. So much for all the good I did last week with the organic/ whole foods... I just blew that all to hell!!! Well being raised Catholic I figured I better confess. Although I think a priest would laugh at that one.
Thank you for letting me get that off my chest I feel better now!!! I will try better this week I promise!!