The Mis-Adventures of A Modern Day Farmer's Wife

My goodness I let a week slip by and didn’t get back on here and update about my acupuncture appointment. For that I am truly sorry. But When I don’t hear the news I want to hear I tend to bury my head like an ostrich and wish I hadn’t heard it all. It’s almost as if I say the truth out loud then it’s true. But if I don’t talk about it or write about it then it can’t possibly be true. That’s logical right?

The herbs haven’t made me start. My patience is hanging on my by a thread. And now that thread is slowly beginning to unravel. I want this to work more than anything! Shouldn’t that be enough? She wants to start a different round of herbs this next week. She is having them specially blended for me at a pharmacy out west. This will be the 2nd batch that has been blended for me. I don’t want to go and do what I know is the next step. but yet I do want to take that step. I want it to be simple! I want to say let’s have a baby. And not have to debate with myself about the doctor I should choose or what medical procedure would be ethical for me! Why is it so damn hard for so many of us? I watch the bellies of the women in my small circle of friends slowly getting rounder and rounder as the weeks go by. And I notice myself quietly walking away from them lest my jealousy get the better of me. I don’t trust myself anymore. I’m happy for them but it eats at me in way I never thought possible.
This weekend I have a baby shower to attend that is for my cousin’s girlfriend. From the outside looking in she isn’t excited about it all. And I have to go and put a smile on my face and try not to give her the tongue lashing she deserves. I do fine with the women that I know are truly excited about the life growing inside them. But it’s the women I know that would much rather not be pregnant that drive me batty. I want to scream at them! Do you not understand the miracle you possess? The gift you are able to give? You can grow a baby!! I can only watch!!! Where is the justice in that?

I think a lot of the reason I’m so moody today is because I will turn 27 tomorrow. I had always imagined myself having at least 2 children by this age. It’s driving me insane knowing that I may not even have one child by the time I hit 30. I’m so depressed about this birthday for some reason. All week long I have just about come to tears thinking about it. I can’t control it. I ache for a child and now I’m no longer going to be in my mid twenties. I will hit the late twenties mark with no child in my arms or even in my belly!! It hurts so much. I’ve just always figured I would have kids. I knew it would take a little bit of time. But I never thought it would take this much. Or would have me turning into a jealous barren woman!!! And it doesn’t help that I have to hear my mother tell me that she had 2 kids by the time she was my age. Her sisters each had 3 and 4 by the time they were my age. I’m wasting time!!! I’m not getting any younger. And by the time we get around to it Farmer will be 40 when our kid goes to kindergarten! I have heard it all from my mother. She also seems to think the reason God isn’t blessing us with a child is because we “lived in sin” before we were married… God is punishing us!!! I swear all this is starting to wear my nerves thin. I believe in a loving God whereas my mother the Holy Roller that she is seems to disagree. Lord please forgive me for complaining, but your not making this any easier!!!!