August

I have been MIA for over a month now. I suddenly got struck with a severe allergic reaction to blogging. Not sure why. But I avoided writing at all costs!! I really can't explain why I get into ruts like this but I do. So before I let a whole month slip away with out blogging I'm going to do a month in review....

The last week of July Mama Farmer was told before she did more chemo she would need to have a round of immunity boosting shoots. So from the 1st of August through the 4th she got shots to help build her immunity. On the 6th she had to have more fluid drained from her abdomen. Poor gal has been having anywhere from 7 to 9 liters drained each week. It's become her Friday afternoon ritual.

On August 10th was our monthly Book Club meeting. Which I was hosting this time around. We ended up having a record amount of attendees. Which was awesome because it was our 1 year anniversary!! It was quite exciting seeing how big we had grown in a years time. The book we discussed was my pick. I was actually a little disappointed. I chose: Eat, Pray, Love By: Elizabeth Gilbert. I chose it mostly because the movie was going to be coming out 3 or 4 days after our meeting. It was a very hard book for me to get through. I was not impressed! I actually liked the movie more then the book. I think that's the first time I have ever been able to say that. But anyway check out the movie it was great. The book club went as a group to a matinee on the following Saturday. It was a blast seeing it together because we all were laughing at the same times and whispering to each other when we thought something would have looked different in the movie. We meet for lunch at a great little downtown cafe. It was a wonderful book club meeting and Saturday lunch date.

August 13th Mama Farmer had to have another 9 liters drained... The doctors are beginning to be more and more concerned with the amount of fluid she is creating. So they have decide to put off doing Chemo till her strength returns and hopefully the liver will cut back on creating so much excess fluid...

The next week was actually pretty uneventful except for my weekly exercise class. Back in July my mama literally begged me to take a Zumba class with her. She is always looking for something for "Us" to do together. So we can bond.... I don't know if you all know this but my mother drives me batty!! But I knew she wouldn't let up unless I just gave in and went with her. So I did and no I have a new obsession!!!! Zumba !!!!! Oh my goodness if you don't know what this is you need to run to your local gym and beg for them to start it!!! I also thought that if I went to this class with my mom I would be able to spend time with her, without "spending" time with her. If you get my drift!! :) I have been working really hard and diet and exercise this past month. I'm going to the gym for Zumba 2 to 3 days a week. I haven't lost any lbs but I know I'm losing serious inches!!! My arms and legs are getting so toned!! I can't believe it!!! And now I don't feel guilty for ever seeing my mother... And we are sooo busy working out she can't say anything snarky!!! I only have to listen to her snarkiness walking into class and walking out! How about them apples?

August 18th and 19th I had my yearly meltdown... The one where I am reminded at how old my ovaries are going to be on the 20th of August. Last year I had a melt down at work when I came back from lunch and my office had a surprise birthday party for me. They had cake, ice cream, balloons, flowers, the works! Yes I know you probably think I'm to young to have birthday melt downs! But I always thought I would have had all my kiddos by now and my hubby and I would just be happy raising toddlers in to happy children... Not trying to deal with the fact that I may never be a parent... So this year I took the dreaded day off so as to avoid any surprises. Side note: Tears and snot don't look very nice on pastel cake icing
I had planned on spending the whole day with my hubby hauling grain and not letting my brain wonder to "the Dark side." But my mother being the wonderful mother that she is. Had other plans!! My mom planned a lunch date for me, mom, dad my aunt (my godmother) Aka Mrs. Fertile Mertyle and 3 of her 11 children. She has never had a multiple these are all singletons!! She is a wonderful mother! She is a stay at home mom. My uncle has a wonderful job. But of all people for my mother to surprise me with this is the woman! I got to spend the one day that is the darkest for me staring back at her with watching my sweet little cousin cuddle in her lap. And knowing if she wanted to she could have one more... Yes these are the woman in my family the ones that say I'm ready for another one... 9 months later they have a beautiful baby bundle in their arms. I am the 2nd oldest grandchild of 42 grandchildren!!! This number does not include any great grand babies! My mom's side of the family is huge and it's so frustrating because every female is fertile but me!!!
So I sit at my surprise birthday luncheon trying to enjoy myself and I do for the most part. But sometimes my heart burns being around the woman on mom's side. Because they are all blissfully ignorant of the pain associated with being reproductively challenged. I thanked her profusely for driving up with the kiddos and and spending time with me on my birthday. This aunt is actually closer in age to me then she is to my mother. When I was younger we were quite close. She was just like an older sister to me and my sister.
By the time I had gotten home I was so emotionally drained. I had wanted to avoid all subjects pertaining to pregnancy, birth, babies, children, etc. on my Birthday and instead I was exposed to lethal does of all the above. I was so blue by the time Hubby came home I didn't want to celebrate anymore! But he wanted to take me shopping for my birthday present. I had it in my head that I was going to get an e-reader. I've been drooling over them for awhile now!! And so we drive the hour down to the biggest town around to look them over. And I talk myself out of all of the ones at bes.t buy because they were CRAPPY!!! And me being the tech savvy that I am didn't realize that the only place they had the k.indle was at Ta.rget!! Am I the only one who didn't know that? So we run over to the Ta.rget. To get my Birthday present and guess what? They didn't have ANY!!! And it will be several weeks before they do be cause the new version has just come out!! Just my Luck!! So not only did I not get to do what I wanted for my birthday, I had to suffer through all the questions I cannot stand and then I didn't even get the present that I wanted!!! All I wanted was a day for ME!! Was that to much to ask for?

After the birthday fiasco I had a somewhat quiet week at work. And then we actually got Mama Farmer talked into a little trip with her 2 besties to the French Lick Spa!! We didn't think we were going to get her to go. She changed her mind a half a dozen times before they actually picked her up. She thought she would get sick while she was there or the food wouldn't agree with her. But nothing bad happened. The food all agreed with her and she had a blast with her girlfriends! They got the works done. (As much as she could participate in considering her health) I tell you though, she looked like a different woman when she came home! She was literally glowing Sunday afternoon! I really think it boosted her morale. We all have tried so hard to help her and to be there for her. We have tried everything in our arsenal to cheer her up and to help her feel better. But I guess there are just some things that only your girlfriends can do...

That my friends if you are still here and made it this far was my month... I hate that I have been so lax in writing. I'm hoping to remedy that! I plan on doing a blog kick in the pants! So stay tuned.

Love & Hugs to you all!!

For Kacy

Kacy asked this yesterday: "Just keep telling us your life story!! I want to hear. You may not want to post about this but I have been wondering where you are at on your TTC journey? Just a suggestion. Maybe taking another look will open up some topics for you."

Kacy you may regret having asked this... I'm in rare form today! I apologize in advance for what I'm about to post but I'm just in one of those weird places right now.

As far as our TTC Journey.... We aren't going anywhere. I'm still lusting over babies and swollen bellies. But we have just been entirely too stressed with Mama Farmer being sick for me to start treatments again. And to be quite honest the longer it gets from having the last treatment the less I want to do it that way again. You know what I mean? At the time I just thought that was the ONLY way I would ever get knocked up... Now I'm 2nd guessing all the treatments (ie shots, monitoring etc) But secretly I think I'm just too damn scared to go back and do it all over again. I'm scared to be in that dark place again. The place I found myself in after it didn't work. The place I found myself wallowing in when I spent entirely too much money on needles and drugs that made me gain damn near 30 lbs (that I still haven't lost yet)And the place I found our relationship in where Mr. Farmer and I were 2nd guessing "the joy" of having a child. I don't want to be in those places mentally ever again and I think I'm just shielding myself by not going there right now... He and I got to a place where we resented all of it and I was scared he would resent me for us having to be there...

You see I'm the one with the problem. I haven't had a period in ages which is caused by the PCOS. So now I'm going the exercise/diet route and hoping maybe I can get my periods to came back on there own. If I can lose the weight. The weight that I gained from the injectables. It seriously has been months since I've had a real period. And NO I'm not knocked up. I have been taking a test every month. Naively thinking maybe an egg will just magically pop out and I won't even know it! Yeah right!!!!! I keep reading how you can actually become "regular" if you lose the excess weight. It can't hurt right? I'm a size 16 and I'm not comfortable in my skin. I never really have been. So maybe if I can get ride of my front butt, I might start to feel like a woman again... I don't know... I just want my body to work. I don't want to get hyper stimulated from meds (that make me ape shit crazy) to get what I want, and then go right back to having wonky ovaries. I want to "FIX" the problem and never have to deal with it again. I want to feel like a woman! And you know what ::GASP:: I want to have a period every month! I want to have PMS before I get my period!! I want to blame my bad moods on it!!! Gosh Damn it!!!!!!!

I have actually been working up the courage to get an appointment with a doctor who specializes in treating the problem without drugging you up. But I don't think me or Mr. Farmer could emotionally deal with me and his mama having to go to the doctor daily right now. They actually can cut a section of the ovary out and this will actually make the ovary start acting normal again. I don't know if it's because they have taken so much of the cyst covered stuff out. Or if it's just from cutting it and making it heal it self? I'm not sure. But I have heard that it actually will correct the PCOS and then the patient will actually be regular! How awesome would that be?

But then I worry about having to go under surgery right now. And I don't know if I can do that to him. He has so much on his shoulders right now. Mama Farmer only made it 3 weeks in remission. She didn't even really get to celebrate that much. When then they found spots on her liver. So she is back doing Chemo again. Hopefully just 6 rounds. So if I had surgery right now not only would Mr. Farmer have to take care of EVERYTHING down at her house. But he would have double the load at our house. So I just keep crossing my fingers and holding my breath....
That is my TTC Journey... I'm not going ANYWHERE. I'm just sitting on the curb watching everyone else speed by.

A Rut

I seem to have found myself sitting in one! I need someone to help me out of it! Please! I'm just sitting here playing in the muck of this rut.... HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPPP MEEEE!!!!!!!!!

I don't know what's come over me... I'm still reading blogs and commenting I just haven't been writing... I know Shame On me!!!!!!! If I have the time to read, I have the time to write... That is what Mel says anyway.

I'm working on ideas in my head but they just flit away as soon as I set my butt down to type. I promise I will climb out asap!

I love you all!!!!

Pictures!!

PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!!! You know it’s been waaaaay too long since I posted some pictures from around the farm. So I thought today should be the day!!!! So here goes


A Baby Cantaloupe This little one is about as big as a marble

This one is about the size of a baseball. And they are all in the same field!

A Baby Watermelon!! They are so stinking cute!! This little guy is about 5 inches long!

Did you know that Watermelons are not Self Fertile!!! (No wonder I like watermelons so dang much!!!) They need Honey Bees to pollinate them.

These pretty pastel colored wooden boxes are Bee Boxes! Or high Rise Apartment complexes for busy bees... Poor fellows they work all the time... (I'm cracking myself up!!!) They are actually homes to thousands and thousands of Honey Bees.

And they are so darn cute!!

I love me some bees!!! Actually I think I want to bee a Bee Keeper!! Yes I know last week I wanted to fly planes and this week I want to keep bees!! I refuse to grow up! I'm a Patricia Pan!!

I’m such a fearless blogger that I had to get some close up shots of the bees for my bloggy friends!! You all mean the world to me!! And that is why I RISKED MY LIFE for these pics!!!
No really Bees don’t bother me for some odd strange reason… Now wasps on the other hand, do bother me!!! There is a story about me and a wasp (or 2) having a make-out session in an old country church down the road from where I grew up… I still have to decide if I’m going to pull out that sad, pathetic picture from the archives… Actually I like to pretend there was never a picture taken of “The Wasp Incident.” But you see I have siblings and they tend to make sure embarrassing things like “The Wasp Incident” are NEVER forgotten!! Thank You Little Big Brother and my Older not wiser but very much more Fertile Sister!!

I like to think that this is the Queen!!!... I know the odds are against me getting a pic of the actual queen but it's a nice little dream!

Playing Catch Up

My heart is not in this post as I have had to RE WRITE IT!! Because Blogger is such a freaking loser! I do apologize.


We survived the 4th. The party went very well. Other then the fact that it was a FURNACE outside. We had a great time! Hubbs bought WAAAAAY to many fireworks and they were so beautiful. I wished I would have taken some pictures. I wanted to kick myself when I realized I never thought about pulling my camera out!! Hubbs and I were sitting on the steps after everyone had left, discussing how great it went, when I remembered. I'm such an idiot. But we had a TON of food! And a crazy amount of relatives! And no cat fights broke out! That's a plus! The in laws all got along great with each other. I haven't had a party with both sides of our family before. So that was interesting. My mom came over the day before the party to help me recover my patio cushions because they looked terrible. I took a couple pics of them. I'm so proud of our work. My mom and I each had a bolt of outdoor fabric gathering dust in our basements. So we did reversible covers. They turned out better then I expected. The Hubbs and I have been wanting to add on to the back of the house with an additional patio/deck with a hot tub and another entry way into the house but we haven't done it yet. And I knew that if I bought a new patio table and chairs now they may not work with the new patio. So we thought we should hold off on buying a new table until we built the new patio. But I'm actually quite impressed at how well they turned out. And how much time my mother and I actually spent in my kitchen together with out killing each other!!! :)

There was also one more little thing I had to get taken care of before the party. Maggie (Large fuzzy Mutt) and Buddy (St. Bernard) our sweet little pupps are Nervous Nellies when it comes to people. They REALLY don't like people on their property!! And my puppies being the size that they are can be quite LOUD and down right scary for guests when they come to our home. So I got the bright idea of calling the vet for something "to take the edge off." My hubbs wasn't too keen on the idea when I brought it up to him several weeks ago. He thought it might hurt our poor little puppies. And I told him it causes them more harm to let them bark all night trying to "defend us" then letting them chill out on some good drugs. But Mr. Farmer never said ok or no. So my being the resourceful wifey that I am I took that as my cue to do what I thought best!!! I went to the vet on Friday morning and picked up the "goods." I was feeling okay about it. I knew I was doing them a favor. I was just going to keep telling myself that. That's how I will get though this. So I toss the pills in the bottom of my purse not really wanting the Hubbs to discover what I'm plotting for our (fur) kids. If he finds them then he will know what I'm going to do, if not then he wasn't "meant" to know about it!! (Yes I know I'm a sick individual) So Saturday comes and goes Sunday morning rolls around Mr. Farmer is getting everything ready. And then the afternoon ticks by and he has to run down and feed the horses , chickens etc. And I know it's NOW or never!! If I don't give them the "Happy Pills" now I won't get a chance to give the pills once he's back. I rummaged through the fridge looking for some meat of some sort. I tabulate the weight (Or really guesstimate it in my head) and divide the pills accordingly. And then the GUILT!! Oh man she slams in the chest! She comes back up again and slaps me in the face! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!! You are drugging your (fur)Kids!! Why would you do such a horrible thing?! And then I tell that ole bitch guilt to F*%k off I have a party to get ready for! I carry they turkey and chill pill sandwich out to my babies whom I love more then anything and they come running to me! They look up at me and cock there pretty little heads at me and sit very still waiting for a "Treat" from there momma. And that Damn Guilt comes around again!! What the Hell am I thinking?! They are so cute!! And defenseless!! Wouldn't everyone in my family love to have Buddy's slobber rubbed on their legs. And his hot stinky breath in their face as he is barking like Cujo at them? And then I shake my head and SAY NO! Nobody likes a barking dog!! NOBODY! Give them the "Happy Sandwich" and deal with it!! At this point I'm about in tears thinking how terrible I am for wanting to drug my dogs just for a party!! But I know their Daddy will be back soon and it's got to be done or we won't have any peace at all tonight! So I slowly hand them there sandwiches and they happily chomp them down and pat me on the leg. And Buddy rubs some drool all over the outside of my leg and as it dribbles down to my flip flop and then I realize I have done the right thing.... Flash forward 2 hours. My sister in Law and her kids arrive And Maggie and Buddy were both laying comfortably on the floor. In fact TOO COMFORTABLY! They didn't even get up and bark when the truck drove in. That is some GOOD SHIT!! In fact Buddy laid under the table and looked like he had just put away 2 gallons of Jack Daniels!! His eyes were so droopy. Holy Cow I've killed my dogs! Maggie was able to get up and walk over to Mr. Farmer but she walked right past him... I'm thinking she must have been seeing double. She found him eventually. Mr. Farmer bent down and asked her if she was feeling bad... She wagged her tail slowly and he said maybe it's the heat!! Of course it was the heat! They are very furry babies and it's 100 degrees out. Yes it's the heat!!! It only took us 5 minutes to get them to walk 20 feet. We put them in their pen and they slept peacefully all evening. The guilt had jumped on to my back and I carried her around all night. My dad actually came up and asked me what was wrong with the dogs and I had to tell him the truth. And he laughed and said I think you gave Bud a little too much!! Then I laughed. And he told me it was better for them to sleep then to be so stressed out. It made me feel a little better to hear my dad tell me that. But I knew Mr. Farmer was worrying about the kids and I had to tell him. So before the fireworks began I told him. He wasn't mad he actually said he thought it was better for Maggs this way cause she gets soooo worked up. But oh jee whiz was it funny watching "drunk" dogs stumbling around.

Overall the party went well considering the merging of the clans and the drugging of the canines. We have had plenty of parties in the past just for one side or the other. Not both together! We had quite a few bodies at her house and a couple of little hooligans running wild. My sister in law (the one who "planned" our party) has 3 kiddos, a 13 year old girl and 2 boys aged 9 and 6. The boys can really make a party interesting! :) They behaved pretty well through dinner. But once they found the Mt Dew, they were wired for sound. These boys are actually pretty funny, but can wear you ragged pretty quickly! So the whole fam damily were sitting out back waiting for the sun to set when the boys began setting off bottle rockets, snakes, and stink bombs. (All under parental supervision of course) But being the stinky, sugar crazed, dirty faced boys they are. They were screaming and hollering and just being down right annoying while they were setting off the noise makers. My mother and father I think were a little shocked by all the ruckus and the lack of control on my sister in law's part (but that isn't my place or anyone else to say anything:) My parents were really strict growing up. In fact we never would have behaved like that at home, much less at my aunt or uncle's home. Because there would have been consequences for us once we got home and they weren't going to be good if you know what I mean. But while all the adults were watching the boys and talking in a group in our lawn chairs. My mom leans over and says: "Are they the reason you haven't had kids yet?" Granted it is a funny comment when you think about how badly behaved these kiddos were. But it still stung after she had said it. Because if my own mother thinks that I'm scared of having uncontrollable children and that's the reason I'm not procreating with my husband. Then I'm sure the whole family thinks the same thing also!

But I'm not going to focus on her comment. Because when I do it stings even more and I don't want to keep opening it up. Cause it hurts. GEE THANKS MOM!!!!

But yes that was the 4th of July in a nutshell!! Sorry it took so long to post. I have even more to catch you all up on.
Love & Hugs!!!