Kacy asked this yesterday: "Just keep telling us your life story!! I want to hear. You may not want to post about this but I have been wondering where you are at on your TTC journey? Just a suggestion. Maybe taking another look will open up some topics for you."
Kacy you may regret having asked this... I'm in rare form today! I apologize in advance for what I'm about to post but I'm just in one of those weird places right now.
As far as our TTC Journey.... We aren't going anywhere. I'm still lusting over babies and swollen bellies. But we have just been entirely too stressed with Mama Farmer being sick for me to start treatments again. And to be quite honest the longer it gets from having the last treatment the less I want to do it that way again. You know what I mean? At the time I just thought that was the ONLY way I would ever get knocked up... Now I'm 2nd guessing all the treatments (ie shots, monitoring etc) But secretly I think I'm just too damn scared to go back and do it all over again. I'm scared to be in that dark place again. The place I found myself in after it didn't work. The place I found myself wallowing in when I spent entirely too much money on needles and drugs that made me gain damn near 30 lbs (that I still haven't lost yet)And the place I found our relationship in where Mr. Farmer and I were 2nd guessing "the joy" of having a child. I don't want to be in those places mentally ever again and I think I'm just shielding myself by not going there right now... He and I got to a place where we resented all of it and I was scared he would resent me for us having to be there...
You see I'm the one with the problem. I haven't had a period in ages which is caused by the PCOS. So now I'm going the exercise/diet route and hoping maybe I can get my periods to came back on there own. If I can lose the weight. The weight that I gained from the injectables. It seriously has been months since I've had a real period. And NO I'm not knocked up. I have been taking a test every month. Naively thinking maybe an egg will just magically pop out and I won't even know it! Yeah right!!!!! I keep reading how you can actually become "regular" if you lose the excess weight. It can't hurt right? I'm a size 16 and I'm not comfortable in my skin. I never really have been. So maybe if I can get ride of my front butt, I might start to feel like a woman again... I don't know... I just want my body to work. I don't want to get hyper stimulated from meds (that make me ape shit crazy) to get what I want, and then go right back to having wonky ovaries. I want to "FIX" the problem and never have to deal with it again. I want to feel like a woman! And you know what ::GASP:: I want to have a period every month! I want to have PMS before I get my period!! I want to blame my bad moods on it!!! Gosh Damn it!!!!!!!
I have actually been working up the courage to get an appointment with a doctor who specializes in treating the problem without drugging you up. But I don't think me or Mr. Farmer could emotionally deal with me and his mama having to go to the doctor daily right now. They actually can cut a section of the ovary out and this will actually make the ovary start acting normal again. I don't know if it's because they have taken so much of the cyst covered stuff out. Or if it's just from cutting it and making it heal it self? I'm not sure. But I have heard that it actually will correct the PCOS and then the patient will actually be regular! How awesome would that be?But then I worry about having to go under surgery right now. And I don't know if I can do that to him. He has so much on his shoulders right now. Mama Farmer only made it 3 weeks in remission. She didn't even really get to celebrate that much. When then they found spots on her liver. So she is back doing Chemo again. Hopefully just 6 rounds. So if I had surgery right now not only would Mr. Farmer have to take care of EVERYTHING down at her house. But he would have double the load at our house. So I just keep crossing my fingers and holding my breath....
That is my TTC Journey... I'm not going ANYWHERE. I'm just sitting on the curb watching everyone else speed by.
5 comments:
Well, lemme tell ya, I'm not speeding by. I am sitting on the curb with you.
I definitely, definitely know what you mean about not wanting to get back in the swing of things. I feel the same way. My life is actually normal these days, and all that temping and pill-popping crapola was pretty sucky when I was doing it. But I didn't realize how obsessive I was over it until I took a step back from TTC. And now I don't want to start it up again.
You mentioned the natural route to correcting your PCOS, and it got me to thinking. Have you heard of the creighton method? I'm not sure if it works for PCOS, but maybe you should look into it. Just a thought. Shrug.
Sorry about your MIL. :( *hugs*
It sounds like you guys have a lot going on with mama farmer being sick again. And you have some valid concerns about doing another cycle. It can be such a stressful time when cycling.
I think if you took some time off to enjoy your time with your hubby and taking care of mamma farmer, once things get better, maybe you guys will be ready to start again.
It's hard being in the in between stage, but I pray that you will know what is best for your family. :)
Oh goodness! I feel this way too right now. I mean, for different reasons...like school and no extra money to try anything, but really, I have so many of these feelings too. I relate to wanting to feel like a "normal" woman, with monthly periods, who has cramps EVERY month. Wouldn't that be great? I have pcos too and it sucks! I too feel like I'm watching others speed by me in the journey to motherhood. Depressing...yes. I feel that pain. I hope that mama Farmers chemo works this time and that you guys will be able to try again soon in some way. I really do! :)
Hi - You don't know me. I'm friends with Alarm Clock Wars. She told me about your blog because I also have PCOS. I was curious if you have tried anything to help alleviate the symptoms of PCOS. The reason I am curious is because I have been trying different things for years (when I was trying to NOT conceive) and I might have some suggestions that might help?
By the way...losing weight with PCOS is incredibly difficult, but it isn't impossible. My motivation to finally put my weight loss as the number one priority in my life? I was worried about getting even heavier if I ever got pregnant. Yup, turns out I have a little vanity. :)
You can check out my blog if you want, or if you want to email me, Alarm Clock Wars has my email address.
Keep your chin up, you can do it!
Yay! I didn't think my comment would spur such a post, and forgive me if it wasn't somewhere you really wanted to go right now. I was just wondering. Sounds to me as though you are doing what's perfectly right for you! Having the courage to do what it takes to not let IF take over your life is amazing. I definitely couldn't do it. If consumed me and my relationships. SO! Don't forget to keep telling us your story though that blogging rut can be a tough one. How's the farm???
www.infertilityinstability.blogspot.com
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