Thank You

I just wanted to say I love that I have found such a good support system via the Internet. I really don't know what I would do without the friends that I have connected with through this whole process. I really think when you are dealing with Infertility you really don't want people's pity so you avoid the conversations with loved ones and friends so you won't put them in awkward situations but you do need to talk and to vent sometimes. And I'm guess I'm just wanting to write a thank you note to all the blogs and message boards that I visit and tell them I appreciate it.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!
An Infertile Farmers Wife

Nothing that a big slice of Banana Bread can't fix

Yes I'm a firm beliver in Soul Food. Only my soul food may be a tad differant than most!! Yes I'm sitting here typing with greasy buttery fingers and munching on Banana bread. I had lunch with a close friend of mine today. A friend I don't talk too much about the whole infertilty thing. I usually avoid conversations about infertility with just about everyone I know. Because i have this huge phobia of crying in public places. I just don't make a cute crier... Never Have. I'm one of those blubbering idiots that turns purple and has snot pouring out the nose. Its quite dreadful. Anyway where was I going with this? I can't remember...

Well as of this past acupuncture session she said my progress is slowing down. She isn't sure why. She said it surprised her at first at how well I responded in the beggining. And now I guess I've come to a screeching halt with no explanation as to why. I'm in a pretty good mood other then the fact that I thought I was getting better and now I don't think I am. I even thought that I ovulated. My chart showed it!!! But I have yet to see my horrible aunt. She must be on vacation!!! So my cycle is streching out before me with no end in sight!!! I've tested twice and they were both negative so I guess I'm at my rock in a hard place for now. But I'm so surprised at how I'm handling it. This last acu session really did something. I feel pretty postive. Just like this is just a phase not the end of the world. Where as 6 months ago I probably would be spastic right now. But I'm okay!! Not fantastic but I'm dealing with it. I have my banana bread and my nestie girls and blog girls and I know its going to get better I just have to be patient. And keep up with the soul food. :)

I'm blue like my favorite donkey

I'm feeling a little like Eeyore today. I'm 17dpo and No Aunt Flow in sight!! I have my acupuncture appt tonight. I tried my darnedest to not test till after I talked to her to see if I should. I didn't want to get my hopes up cause I knew it would be negative. But I did it!!! I peed on that damn stick this morning and it was negative!! I knew it would be before I even pulled the damn test out of the box!! But I pulled it out anyway and wasted it!!! I wasted a perfectly good "expensive" test on satisfying my curiosity!!! I'm not even going to buy more. That was the last test I had in my house and I'm not bringing anymore home until my acupuncturist tells me to get one and test. And even then she would know before I would by my pulse. I don't know why I did that to myself. I was awake at like 4:30 thinking about how awesome it would be to get a positive today because Farmer was out in the semi hauling grain. And I pictured my self jumping into my truck in my night gown, matching slippers and fuzzy robe. Tracking him down stopping him outside of the grain bin and showing him my positive test and jumping up and down on the side of the road. Then announcing it on the radio to his papa and friends hauling grain with him. That he was going to be a daddy. But that didn't happen. I got dressed and drove to work and have been a crab ass all day long. I should apologize to the guys here but oh well I'm not going to right now.

Hopefully she will have some good news for me tonight!!!! I'm headed out right now for my appointment.

Eastern Promises

Well I haven't updated for a while. I think I was in a funk. I wasn't getting pregnant! The damn Clear Blue Easy Fertility monitor wasn't making the whole process "Easier!" I just thought I would avoid talking about it. Cause maybe if I don't talk about it and don't write about it maybe it will get better... Nope that didn't help!! But I was still checking in on an infertility board with other women who have some of the same health issues I have. They chatted about all kinds of things. They could always make my day when I was feeling down and out. Then they started talking about acupuncture. And I was interested. I had never realized that acupuncture could help women with infertility problems. It just had never crossed my mind. I had just started to talk myself into going back to my doctor to get my prescription for Clomid. Which I had turned down the last time I was in there. I was so scared to get on any type of medication. I knew my body could do this I just didn’t know how to get it to that point. So that afternoon I read about the acupuncture I grabbed my local phone book and found an office in the town I live in and made an appt. Then the next day I logged on again and there were several girls talking about doing a sister match-up. So I thought you know I should do this. I can't really share what is really going on with anyone else in my life. No one I know truly understands what this is like. I singed up and ended up being matched with a WONDERFUL sister. Who actually was doing acupuncture also!! It was so wild I really felt hope for the first time in all this mess. I knew I could do this. Somehow!!! Well my sister and I started talking everyday she even had connections to a town near by. Even though she lives on the other side of the country I feel like I can share all this with someone who truly understands.

My first appointment was March 2nd I was sacred to death!!! I’m not the biggest fan of needles. Quite frankly I’m afraid of them in a little kid kind of way. So I kept having this reoccurring dream of me laying on a little bitty bed, naked with a tiny little sheet just covering the necessary bits in a big empty room. With a hundred or so needles placed in every inch of my body even in the soles of my feet. Then I would hear these rumbles and then the walls would start to shake and I then would realize its an earthquake!!!! And I can't move because I have a hundred's of needles sticking out of my flesh. Then as the earthquake ensued I would try to get up and yank out all my needles but my clothes were gone!! So all I had was this little tiny sheet!! I would start to panic and then I would wake up!!!

So needless to say I was quite worried about my 1st appt. But it went SOO well!!! So when I went in to the little room and sat down it wasn't at all as I had envisioned so that was good :) And when she came in it was like a peace fullness just followed her in. She has this calming affect ist amazing!!! She then asked me a couple questions then told me to stick out my tongue. She could tell instantly that I'm a worrier!! Now who would have thought that? Then she looked again at my tongue and at my eyes and she knew what kind of past health problems I have suffered from!! I was speechless!! She was right on the money!! She asked me a bunch of questions (I had also started charting in the last 2 weeks before I had gone so I showed her my chart too) and we talked about my PCOS and the lack of menstration and other things that had gone on health wise for about a half hour. And then she said that she would only work with me for 4 months so after that if it didn't work she didn't want to keep taking my money. I was shocked at that. She said if you don't improve in that time frame then this will not help you. You will need to know what your next step will be.
So I said okay all. I want to exhaust all my "natural" choices first then try the medications and what ever else my western doctors have up their sleeve. So I said lets do this thing!! She laid me down and it wasn't at all what I had expected. She placed maybe 7 or 8 needles in me. They were so tiny I couldn't even feel them. They weren't in the soles of my feet so I'm sure if there was an earthquake I could run. Not to mention I was FULLY DRESSED!!! YIPEE!! So I was happy about that. Then she said I'm going to leave you here for about a half hour so relax. Close your eyes and breath normally. And I did I even fell asleep!!

After I had laid there for the half hour she came in took the needles out and said she was going to give me some herbs. And I said okay. I went home and took my herbs and then within 5 days I had my present from Mother Nature!!! It was so weird it had probably been at least 4 years since I had a natural menstration. I was floored. I went back a week 7 days after the 1st appt. And told her and she was so happy. She was actually surprised how quickly my body is trying to heal it self!!! So Ive been back a total of 4 times and tomorrow is my 5th visit she has put me on 2 different herbs and I feel so much better I have soo much energy. My skin, eyes, nails every thing looks better. Food even tastes different. I even feel happier and I have more peace in my soul then before. I swear this has really done something to me that I can't explain. I don't want to understand it. I just want to experiance it and I pray it never changes.

With my charting it has shown that I'm possibly at a high point in my fertility and I really think I may have ovulated in the last 24 hours or so. So I'm really praying that I did!!! So thats my update I will try and do better about blogging from here on out. I'm not depressed about the lack of a child like I was before. I was really getting into a dark place. It was really starting to overwhelm me I think. But this accupuncture is a God send it really is. I don't think its for every one. In fact I have only told a very select few I've even done it. But I really think our bodies minds, and souls are more intwined then what I ever thought before.

A Big Joke?

Everyday I wake up and try and tell myself that this whole infetility thing is NOT going to get me down today!! I'm not going to become a wailing idiot by crying over pregnancies and babies!!! I won't let myself be one of those types...
But then I get a phone call from a well meaning Aunt saying that my cousin who has only been seeing his girlfriend for less then a year has gotten her pregnant and they have been TRYING for all of 3 months!!!! Poor little dears!!! Bless their pea picking little hearts!!! So yet again another one of my cousins is going to have a baby and I have to watch her belly grow every week and help throw a shower for this women!! Why does this happen? Why is it that I can't have this? I'm swear its like this big Joke on ME!!! Lets see if she falls apart this time?

I was never a negative person I have ALWAYS been positive but this whole thing is beating me to the ground!!! Its so hard to stay positive in this enviroment. I can't take all this crap!!! Hell I have Aunts and friends telling me that "If I would just relax It would Happen!" Jeez thanks for the info I hadn't thought of that before!!! I just want to know what the hell the punch line is to this joke...