Getting to know me

You know I didn’t realize until today that I have never really told you all too much about myself. As far as where I came from and what I did before I began blogging. So here is some background info.

I’m 27 years old. I work as a wholesale salesperson/Administrative Assistant in a very large wholesale tire company. I have been here for 7 years. I work in a predominantly male work environment. Which is awesome the majority of the time! I use to work at a hospital on in Alzheimer’s Unit as a CPCT. I love that job! I worked there for over 3 years. I lived with my Grandmother while I worked there. It was a fun time in my life. But I broke my foot and had to quit. So I got this job and moved back to my hometown.

I have been with my hubby for over 8 years we were set up on a blind date and the rest is history I guess. We just clicked! It was awesome. We had both come out of some rocky relationships. A friend of mine knew his mother and talked to her about me. So she set a time up so she and I could meet one day. So I actually met his Mama Farmer before I actually met him. It was so funny and cute.

We live on a farm, were we grow mostly grains, such as soybeans, corn and wheat. Occasionally sunflowers too which is just about the most amazing site on creation!!! I hope heaven is just like a 1,000-acre field of sunflowers. I will send you pictures if he puts some out this year. I have been in love with farming since I was a little girl. That was all I wanted in life was to grow up and marry my grandpa or my uncles. Which ended up being quite a dreadful blow when I found out I couldn’t actually do that!!! So I just settled with the next best thing: spending every moment I could at my grandfather’s house helping him and taking care of him after my grandmother passed away.

I was home-schooled (please don’t hold that against me) through most of my school years. From Middle School on. I hated it to begin with and then I got used to it. By the time I was in High School I liked it enough I guess. Because I could take my schoolwork over to my grandfathers and hang out with him. As the years went on I really wanted to pursue the nursing field because my grandfather had gotten cancer and being with him so much I ended up becoming his nurse and I loved it. After he died. I then worked on becoming a C.N.A at a local nursing home and from there I found a great job at St. Mary’s a very large hospital in Evansville and worked there for close to 3 years. While I was living there a friend introduced me to Mr. Farmer as I said above. But then I broke my foot and so I moved home and took a job where I didn’t have to work weekends or holidays and I was closer to Mr. Farmer. So that was a nice little perk. Mr. Farmer and I got married in 2006 and we live on his families farm. He is a 6th generation farmer. The farm has passed from son to son for 6 generations and I know he hopes to be able to do the same one day.

I have one older sister who is 33 and is the mother of 4 children, 3 boys and a little girl. She married a man she went to college with. And they live in Rhode Island. He is getting ready to start a doctorate program at Princeton University. So they will be moving at some point this summer. My brother is 24 he is an Aviation Ordnance men in the Navy. His home base is on the Island of Oahu, in Hawaii. He has just Re-upped for 3 more years. And is looking forward to going to Afghanistan for a year training the Afghan police force.

My Hubby is 34 years old he works full time as a Farmer he also hauls grain for local companies. Which tends to keeps him pretty busy through the winter and early spring. He has 1 older sister who is married and has 3 children and she lives quite close so we get to have the kids a lot. My husband and I are each other’s best friends pretty much. We do just about everything together. We can talk about everything together. I love that about our relationship.

We have slowly been building our businesses. Trucking and farming. We recently just built a new barn at our home. Our other outbuildings are all near his parents or down the lane from our home and we wanted one close to our home. So we finished that last Christmas. And now he has his eye on a new tractor!!! Of course his excuse always is that we will need a BIG tax write off!! So now he needs one for 2010 since we already used the barn for 2008 and 2009. God Love him. I swear I never learned so much about money/taxes and business as I did the 1st few months of being married.

My parents are still married to each other. They live about 10 minutes away from us on my father's family farm that has been in his family since the revolutionary war. My dad works for a Railroading company. He never liked farming so My hubby farms his ground for him. My mother just got her 1st job last year. She works part time at a local hard ware store. (Which in my humble opinion is: absolutely hysterical!!!) The woman never worked a day in her life outside of staying home with us. And it’s the funniest thing hearing about her working. She got a job because she was lonely. My dad works out of town a lot and they live way out in the sticks. So with my brother being gone now I guess she wanted some human interaction. Which like I said when you hear her stories it’s like she has never had contact with the outside world before… My mother is probably my biggest annoyance in this life!! I LOVE my dad but my mother is just an entirely different story. Needless to say I don’t talk about TTC with her cause every body in my home town and the neighboring counties would know if I told her.


Now I challenge you all to do the same!! Instead, of us writing the posts floating around with the random questions. I just want you to tell me about where you came from! How you got to where you are today I want to get to know you all, minus the infertility, charting, family problems, and all the fantastic doctor’s Appointments…

Spring Cleaning

I have been doing a bunch of spring cleaning lately. And really it's been quite cathartic. I'm not only cleaning though I've been updating too!!! I have been in this mode for the past couple weeks. And the cleaning/updating has gotten so deep it's made it to my computer! I spent most of Sunday afternoon going through old files in my computer and pictures. And soon My blog will be transformed!!! Yes I'm even doing VIRTUAL cleaning too!!! But I'm not doing the Bloggy cleaning. I have hired some help.... Drum Roll Please... Marla at Marla'z Austin Chronicles has been busy Updating me and my Virtual Home. And she is doing a Fantastic Job! I can't wait for you all to see it. This has been such an awesome experience working with Marla and her company. Everything I'm envisioning she has done. So please stop by and visit her. And oh she is so stinking sweet! Oh and guess what? I actually got to speak to her!!! Yes Mrs. Farmer has heard the Voice of Marla!! Woo hoo! I got to talk to Marla!! Na na na!!

Her prices are reasonable and she goes ABOVE and BEYOND the call of duty to satisfy her customers!! So run over and stop by my bestest bloggy friend and check her out!
I'm literally blown away by what she has come up with. I can't wait to pull the curtain and share it with you all!

My goodness time has really gotten away from me again!! I'm soo sorry. We are still taking care of 2 households. And it's gotten a tad bit harder because now it's spring and Hubby is having to start working ground (1st step in getting the ground ready to plant grain). My Mama In law is still being hard headed!! Although we have gotten her to eat some ice cream along with the Ensure/Boost! And she has gained 2 pounds!!! So maybe we can cut the daily tongue lashings back a little. But she is still is depressed. Her Oncologist seems to think it's from her being upset about the fact that she got cancer in the 1st place. I don't know if I can agree with that. But I see his point. He thinks that since she has been healthy her whole entire life. And the only time she has ever spent in the hospital was after the birth of her children. And now she here she has been in and out of the hospital for over 2 months and barely able to function for over 4 months. So I guess maybe he might know something. But I just can't understand why she is depressed now! When the worst is behind her....

Other then the drama with the mama we are treading water. Hubby and I are doing great. My treatments for infertility are still hanging out on the back burner. I just feel to maxed out emotionally to have to try and deal with that too. But the want for a child waxes and wanes. Some days I think that maybe it's better this way. Just being the 2 of us. We can come and go when we want and stay out late and not have to worry about a baby sitter. Or even go backroading in the mustang at 10 o'clock at night and not have a baby to get home to. But then I think that maybe we only do those things because we don't have a baby to care for. That we fill up our free time with all that extra. And then I think about how much it hurts to know that if I keep going along making excuses as to why I'm not doing treatments I will wake up one day and it will be too late to do them. I ache for a child to hold in my arms. But it scares me to think that I might lose what Mr. Farmer and I have right now. We are soo happy right now.

I'm freely going to admit that I'm scared to death to get pregnant!!

But I'm scared to death I won't get pregnant!!

Now what sense does that make? Yes I know I don't make sense but I just thought I would throw it out there and expose myself for what I am... A Big fat Infertile Chicken!!

I have been having so many mixed emotions lately about getting KU and I don't really know how to deal with them or much less how to express them. So I'm dumping them all on you!!!

Next thing on the agenda: I think I'm going to have to ask for some Ass-vice on something. It's been waying pretty heavy on my mind. And to be quite honest it sprung out of no where. So Maybe over the next week I will have to lay on my sofa and ask Dr. Bloggy (You all!) to help me figure out the best course of action or maybe you all will tell me to not do anything... So stay tuned!! And if you don't hear from me about this issue then you better beat my blog door down or something!! Cause it's a doozie!

Oh and one more thing I forgot to tell you. The night my book club was set to discuss The Red Tent, my Mama in Law went back into the hospital! So I didn't have to go and deal with all the mama's in the Book club talking about the book and what it meant to them. (ie their birth stories etc.) I know once it got to my turn to tell them how I felt it would have totally gotten awkward so Thank the Lord I had a good excuse not to go this time around.... Although I do hate that Mama Farmer had to go back to the hospital.

**Dear Lord forgive me for thinking that Mama Farmer going into the hospital was a blessing for me!!!**

Well stay tuned for my sofa session cause I'm going to really need some help on this issue!

Frustration

We had a little glimmer of hope this past week. It was nice, Mama Farmer was doing better. The weather warmed up. We started looking forward to the Spring. Hubbs and I got to get away for the weekend. It was for my job. We were put up in a nice hotel and were given food and booze until we could barely walk back to our room. Mama Farmer wanted to celebrate her children's b-day's: My Hubby and his his Older sister were born 6 years and a day apart. So we all cooked out at The Farmer Family Home place. It was great! Mama farmer was actually laughing and smiling. She ate (which has been VERY hard to get her to do) and we all had a great time. Then today that glimmer just vanished! The home health nurse found Mama farmer's incisions were beginning to ooze and she had a fever... The nurse had to move her back to the hospital. The doctor is wanting her there for observation. It's like we were peddling a bike up the side of a mountain, we were just about to make the summit... And Wham-O we ended up sliding halfway back down the.

I don't know what to do or what to say to her anymore. She has been told a thousand times she won't heal, if she doesn't eat. But she thinks drinking one little bottle of Ensure a day is good enough. And we can't seem to get through to her. I know my hubby is at his wit's end right now. I just want to scream at her that the worst is over!!! She shouldn't be getting depressed now. She has a better prognosis now then she had back in October. When they were telling her the Cancer was in-operable. But now that she has the worst of the Cancer removed she just is so depressed and it's like fighting with a child to make her eat. I don't know what to do.

Please keep My Hubby and his Mother in your thoughts and prayers.

The Red Tent

As some of you may know I'm in a local book club. I haven't shared much lately cause it has been quiet uneventful. Just great reading!! My book club is compromised of mostly married women with children. The women range in age of 25 to 55. And not a one of them are infertile. They are all happy women who enjoy their children, life and their husbands. This has been perfectly fine for the past several months. I have enjoyed every month and looked forward to our next meeting and the next book. But today this new book hit me like a ton of well, "books." This new read thus far has been beautifully written. It's described from Dinah's point of view, of how she sees the women in her family. Dinah was a woman from the bible. She is the daughter of Jacob and Leah. She wasn't mentioned to much in the bible. Anita Diamant introduces you to her father, four mothers, and twelve brothers. The story seems to take place mostly in "The Red Tent." which is where the women during the dark of the moon. (aka Aunt Flow comes to town) All the women who happen to be sisters have always wanted a daughter to pass their stories down to. Because they can't pass their stories to the sons. The only woman in the family who has a daughter is Leah. So all the sisters pass their stories to Dinah during their mensuration when they are all together in "The Red Tent." So today I'm eating my lunch and reading my book in our local park. And like most Christian women I remember Rachel's struggle to get pregnant and her crying out to God. But I hadn't really thought too much about her lately. Especially when I have been trying to avoid all things fertile or infertile. Then while I'm eating my leftover, homemade goulash. I read where Bilhah, Rachel's younger sister comes to her after watching Rachel struggle with the grief and pain and trying everything in her power to become pregnant. Rachel drank potions from the local mid wife. She slept against trees, laid in rivers, ate snake meat and mandrake. Hoping that something would stir her body to create a life. And Bilhah couldn't watch her laying depression on her mat any longer so she offered her body to her sister. Saying I give you my womb and my breasts for your child. I sat there in my truck trying to swallow the lump that had immediately grown so large in my throat. I could hardly breath. And then those damn tears bursted out of the corners of my eyes. I got broadsided! I had never experienced a love like that from another woman. Or even for another women. It took my breath away to think that this poor little sister just wanted her older sister to be a mother so bad that she offered her body for her. It gives me chills thinking about it now as I type this out.

Had I read the reviews about the book I might have sensed that this book may have infertile undertones... Or maybe some flat out water works inducing pages. And then I probably wouldn't have wanted to read it. But as per usual I try not to find out anything about the upcoming book. Just so I won't have pre-conceived leanings about it.

Now I'm not telling you to not read this book. I will give my official view of this book once I'm done with it. But I'm sure it will be quite interesting.

So now here I am having to deal with my infertility all over again. I never told you all that we had to take a forced break (longer then what we had planned) because our extended family life just fell all to hell around us. This past weekend was the first time we hadn't been to the hospital every day in over 3 weeks. Life had just been to stressful to add fertility treatments into the mix. My plan was just not talk about it, don't think about it, and definitely not deal with it. But the more I would try to not think about it. The more I found myself thinking about it. We would find our self walking behind the most perfect little toddler walking hand in hand with his parents. Looking over his shoulder at us. WHY ME? I would ask. But the voice in the sky wouldn't answer me back.

My Mother in Law, Aka: Mama Farmer. Took a turn for the worst and it was bad for a couple weeks and right now it's still not fantastic but she is doing better. The day we almost lost her 2 weeks ago. I was watching her cancer ravaged body laying in the big white bed and the nurses were flying all around her rushing to get her poor little body stable enough to take her down stairs for emergency surgery. I saw the sheer terror in her eyes. Watching and almost recording her children's faces in her memory. I know why she was doing it. And I felt like I was inside out. Almost Like I wasn't a real woman. I couldn't shake the thought that I may not have anyone to pass my stories on to about my family...