I think my whining from the other day about the fact that I feel like I'm being taken advantage of has woken up mean Mama Karma... She has shown her ugly face!!!!
Yesterday I was so upset about my appointment I couldn't even drive back to work. Yes I had to work on black Friday... But that is beside the point. I went in to the practically dark medical office, all the offices in the building were closed except Dr. B's and take my seat. I tend to arrive as early as possible for my monitoring appts so I can get out of there asap and drive back to work 30+ minutes. So I slip into the waiting room and sit down. On the weekends/Fridays Jane the Receptionist isn't there. So I wait for the Nurse Prac to come out and see me waiting. While waiting I start hearing a baby cry. A BABY CRYING!!! That should have been the first inclination that I had that this appointment was going to go sour... So I think maybe its a woman... Yeah right there isn't anything here that would make a woman cry like that!! Some idiot woman has brought her child to an INFERTILITY CLINIC!!! Pardon my french:
But WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I just read my magazine and try and focus on the article I'm reading and the kid just keeps making noise. This time I'm figuring out that it is probably a toddler. Cause I can hear someone trying to reason with him/her. So I'm still sitting alone in the waiting room. Then 2 couples walk in and take a seat and my Nurse Prac. Finally comes out and says it may be just a little bit. A while later she calls me for blood work. I walk back in to the hall. And it smells like someone has just had a poop party right in the ultrasound room or right outside it. So I walk back to the blood draw room. By now its wafting through the whole freaking place. I was actually starting to wonder if I stepped in some sort of animal excrement when I left my good ole country home... But then I surely would have smelled that on the 40 minute drive right? So I sit down and the tech runs back down the hall and I hear her spraying some sort of chemical and then I realize she is spraying Lysol... I said what happened? I asked if someone got the shit scared out of them in the ultrasound room? And she said no. For some reason this girl ahead of me brought her child. He had dropped a deuce in the hallway. But I guess it was a major production and the mama instead of going out of the office to the public restroom changed him on the floor in front of the blood draw station!!!! Please tell me that doesn't just freak you out a little bit?
The tech tried to tell her to go out to the public hallway but the mother refused!! The tech told her there was a baby changing station out there also. But the mother just said no the floor will be fine....
So I get my blood drawn and then had to go back out to the waiting room because this woman had such a huge mess to clean up. And then she ended up putting us other girls behind on our US because she brought her child with her. But get this: she also had her mother with her. So Why wouldn't you have had your mom wait outside in the car or downstairs in the hospital/public waiting area with your child instead of bringing him up here to run around in front of a bunch of infertile women?
When they finally got her squared away and she left I got to get my ultrasound done. This was when the fun began...
She started with my left ovary. I was pretty sensitive and I was praying that it was a good sign. She had a funny look on her face and then she squinted and bit her lip and then I asked is there anything going on in there? And she said well... We have one follie at 10mm... I then asked if that was the same follie and she said yes. And then she roamed around all over that side and said that's it. You don't have anymore growth or anymore that could catch up at this point. Then she said lets take a look at the right side... It wasn't any better the same one from the other day was still at 8mm. So she looked some more and then said she was finished. At this point I felt like the walls were shrinking. My ears felt muffled and I thought an elephant had just landed on my chest. She started to clean things up I asked her will I grow anymore before the next appt? And she said I will need to check with Dr. B but there may not be another monitoring appt. Based on your blood work we may have to cancel this cycle... WTF???!!!! I then started to cry and she said your blood work may show that your levels are high so he may do one more appointment. But I can't guarantee that. He wants us to be up front and honest with our patients and not lead them on... I was crying pretty hard by now. I couldn't understand all of the information she was giving me. Something about not wanting old eggs or old follies or something. And how were are getting to the end of the perfect time frame. Then she said don't
worry you may very well be back here on Sunday. And if not there is always the next cycle!!! I will call you before noon to tell you what he said and how your blood work came back. Then she asked if I had anymore questions. I couldn't think of any. And she left. I just sat there bare assed on the table and cried! I thought about Mr. Farmer, his Mama. I thought about how I had planned on telling our parents at Christmas. I thought about the empty bedroom in our house waiting for a child and all its little play things to fill it. And then I realized I had to call my hubby and tell him what she said. And I still had to walk out into a waiting room full of hopeful patients. With my eyes and nose beat red. So I blew my nose and got dressed. I wiped the mascara off my check and tried to make myself presentable. I walked out and wrote the check in a daze. And then when I filled out the amount I felt like I did this! I complained about the price of all these appointments and now I may not have anymore!!! Why did I do that? What is another $500 if it fills my arms up?
I got down the hall and out the elevator with no problems but as I walked out the front door a brand new daddy was loading up all the gifts from his wife's hospital room. I lost it! He even had to have a freaking Carhart coat on and a John Deere baseball cap!! What is God doing to me? I cried all the way to my truck. I sat down in my seat and this daddy was loading everything into the SUV and then checked to make sure the base for the car seat was secure. I couldn't watch! But it was like a car accident I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He was readying everything for the ride home.
I backed out and the tears just gushed and gushed. I felt so guilty for being so petty about the money. And for not trying harder. I wasn't sure what else I was supposed to do but I just felt like this was my fault. I called Farmer. He couldn't understand me for the most part. He just kept saying we will get though it and take it one day at a time. Don't worry! We always make it though... Don't cry! I think he felt bad about not making it to that appt. But as far as we both knew it was just routine monitoring.
Colleen called me around 10:30 and said that my Estrogen levels were at 92 and they like to see them at 100 for ovulation. And because my levels were rising Dr. B was giving the girls one more chance to prove them selves. He won't up the dosage of Gonal-F because he doesn't like to do that twice in one cycle. So Sunday morning I go back for my monitoring appt. I'm praying very hard for my girls to wake up and grow!! I don't know what else to do!
I'm sorry this was so long I just had to get it all off my chest.
