Being my Own Advocate

This summer is slipping by so quickly! Soon it will be harvest. And then very soon after that it will be our third anniversary!!! Time just seems to be speeding away from me. I never paid much attention to how quickly time flew until I got married. It seemed as if my weeks just drug along and the weekends seemed so far away. And now it seems like I lay my head down Sunday night and when I wake up its Friday morning again. I wish I could I slow it all down and just glide through a quite little week alone with my hubby!!!! But there are crops to spray, melons to pick neighbors to help, equipment that needs fixing, and animals that need to be feed... This is my great big excuse for being gone so long… Pathetic I know!!

To start out with I'm beginning to feel optimistic again, with this whole (in) fertility journey. My peace is coming back to me. And I don't feel so frantic about the fact that I'm still not pregnant. My acupuncturist has really helped me in more ways than one. I have never in my life felt as good as I do now. My head is clearer. I feel so much stronger and the energy I have now I never ever had before. Even as a teenager! I know the miracle I have been waiting for is still eluding me but I now know that I need this journey!! It will make me a healthier momma. And then in turn my baby will be healthier. I have revamped my whole life it seems. My energy levels are through the roof now. So I’m able to get things done, things I have been wanting to do on our house for years. Which I know once I had a baby to care for would never have gotten done. And another is I have added so many good things to my diet. I’m becoming so much more aware of my body. I love what is happening to me. And I know Farmer is noticing too. He doesn’t seem to mind the new food either. He’s gotten used to the “healthy” Pasta and the “healthy” Lettuce. I hated doing it to him but I know its best.

I’m reading so much about the problem that I have and have been living with for several years now. I want to become as informed as I can be. I don’t want to just walk into a Fertility Specialist office and have him shoot me up with a bunch of drugs that aren’t going to solve the problem. So the latest books on my night stand have been the following:

The New Glucose Revolution to Living Well with PCOS by: Dr. Jennie Brand-Miller M.D. & Dr. Nadir R. Farid

The Infertility Cure by: Randine Lewis

Taking Charge of Your Fertility by: Toni Weschler (Every woman needs to read this book it really should be required reading in High School!!!)

I’m trying to spend as much time learning about my uterus and ovaries as most people spend researching for their vacation or a new car. I feel like women as a whole aren’t taught to become informed about their bodies and its quiet scary. I spent more time looking for the right dress for my wedding then I did for my 1st gynecologist!! Why aren’t we taught to be more informed? I hate that I was never told to learn for myself about my health.
I’m learning to be my own advocate. And my hope is that more women will learn to do the same.
I promise I didn’t sit down thinking that this is where my story was going to go but that is where it went. I will try and keep up on blogging I have had too long of a vacation. I have missed it. I will also write more about how our life has been changing with the new plans my acupuncturist has been giving me. More to come later!!!

Wish "Grant"ed

We had a miracle take place in our family this week.

My husband's cousin J. and his wife A. welcomed a new baby boy into the world on Tuesday. It was an emotional event for me but beautiful and hopeful to.
They too had suffered in silence. Like so many hundreds and thousands of other couples in the world who want a child so bad. They had been trying to conceive for 2 years but never told any one in our family. They weren't wanting anyone to know they were having trouble. So here we all were suffering in silence 2 miles apart yet we were walking around in the same fog of despair not able to see the others.

J. is my husbands best friend and cousin we see them ALL the time. They live right down the road and we talked to them daily. But neither of us ever told the others what was going on. They were having trouble just like we were but we all were to scared to open that up and share that burden with each other. When they found out they were pregnant they finally told us they had tried for 2 years. We were so stunned to find that out. But then we in turn ended up sharing that we had also been trying. It was kind of like the elephant had slipped off our backs when we sat down and talked about it together. It brought us closer and made our relationship go to another level. It also gave me someone to share with who had beat the devil so to speak. She knew it was hard for me to watch her belly expand every couple weeks. And what is was like to spend more money on pee sticks then you spend on shoes in 6 months. We shared so much, and she brought me more avenues to explore and she is my cheerleader. I have so few people to share and cry about all this with. It has been an interesting journey with them. I can't believe where it has gotten us but I'm not upset at the result. I Thank God everyday for them and for this Journey I know deep down there is a reason we are going through this right now.

Grant is a miracle. He is precious and indeed the most hoped for little guy. I pray that I can be the guide in this deep dark ocean that Grant's momma has been for me in the last 6 months. I'm so happy for them. I just pray that our children will be able to play together. I'm not going to let this beat me. I will be a momma!!!!

Thank You

I just wanted to say I love that I have found such a good support system via the Internet. I really don't know what I would do without the friends that I have connected with through this whole process. I really think when you are dealing with Infertility you really don't want people's pity so you avoid the conversations with loved ones and friends so you won't put them in awkward situations but you do need to talk and to vent sometimes. And I'm guess I'm just wanting to write a thank you note to all the blogs and message boards that I visit and tell them I appreciate it.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!
An Infertile Farmers Wife

Nothing that a big slice of Banana Bread can't fix

Yes I'm a firm beliver in Soul Food. Only my soul food may be a tad differant than most!! Yes I'm sitting here typing with greasy buttery fingers and munching on Banana bread. I had lunch with a close friend of mine today. A friend I don't talk too much about the whole infertilty thing. I usually avoid conversations about infertility with just about everyone I know. Because i have this huge phobia of crying in public places. I just don't make a cute crier... Never Have. I'm one of those blubbering idiots that turns purple and has snot pouring out the nose. Its quite dreadful. Anyway where was I going with this? I can't remember...

Well as of this past acupuncture session she said my progress is slowing down. She isn't sure why. She said it surprised her at first at how well I responded in the beggining. And now I guess I've come to a screeching halt with no explanation as to why. I'm in a pretty good mood other then the fact that I thought I was getting better and now I don't think I am. I even thought that I ovulated. My chart showed it!!! But I have yet to see my horrible aunt. She must be on vacation!!! So my cycle is streching out before me with no end in sight!!! I've tested twice and they were both negative so I guess I'm at my rock in a hard place for now. But I'm so surprised at how I'm handling it. This last acu session really did something. I feel pretty postive. Just like this is just a phase not the end of the world. Where as 6 months ago I probably would be spastic right now. But I'm okay!! Not fantastic but I'm dealing with it. I have my banana bread and my nestie girls and blog girls and I know its going to get better I just have to be patient. And keep up with the soul food. :)

I'm blue like my favorite donkey

I'm feeling a little like Eeyore today. I'm 17dpo and No Aunt Flow in sight!! I have my acupuncture appt tonight. I tried my darnedest to not test till after I talked to her to see if I should. I didn't want to get my hopes up cause I knew it would be negative. But I did it!!! I peed on that damn stick this morning and it was negative!! I knew it would be before I even pulled the damn test out of the box!! But I pulled it out anyway and wasted it!!! I wasted a perfectly good "expensive" test on satisfying my curiosity!!! I'm not even going to buy more. That was the last test I had in my house and I'm not bringing anymore home until my acupuncturist tells me to get one and test. And even then she would know before I would by my pulse. I don't know why I did that to myself. I was awake at like 4:30 thinking about how awesome it would be to get a positive today because Farmer was out in the semi hauling grain. And I pictured my self jumping into my truck in my night gown, matching slippers and fuzzy robe. Tracking him down stopping him outside of the grain bin and showing him my positive test and jumping up and down on the side of the road. Then announcing it on the radio to his papa and friends hauling grain with him. That he was going to be a daddy. But that didn't happen. I got dressed and drove to work and have been a crab ass all day long. I should apologize to the guys here but oh well I'm not going to right now.

Hopefully she will have some good news for me tonight!!!! I'm headed out right now for my appointment.