Thursday, April 16, 2009

I'm blue like my favorite donkey


I'm feeling a little like Eeyore today. I'm 17dpo and No Aunt Flow in sight!! I have my acupuncture appt tonight. I tried my darnedest to not test till after I talked to her to see if I should. I didn't want to get my hopes up cause I knew it would be negative. But I did it!!! I peed on that damn stick this morning and it was negative!! I knew it would be before I even pulled the damn test out of the box!! But I pulled it out anyway and wasted it!!! I wasted a perfectly good "expensive" test on satisfying my curiosity!!! I'm not even going to buy more. That was the last test I had in my house and I'm not bringing anymore home until my acupuncturist tells me to get one and test. And even then she would know before I would by my pulse. I don't know why I did that to myself. I was awake at like 4:30 thinking about how awesome it would be to get a positive today because Farmer was out in the semi hauling grain. And I pictured my self jumping into my truck in my night gown, matching slippers and fuzzy robe. Tracking him down stopping him outside of the grain bin and showing him my positive test and jumping up and down on the side of the road. Then announcing it on the radio to his papa and friends hauling grain with him. That he was going to be a daddy. But that didn't happen. I got dressed and drove to work and have been a crab ass all day long. I should apologize to the guys here but oh well I'm not going to right now.

Hopefully she will have some good news for me tonight!!!! I'm headed out right now for my appointment.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Eastern Promises

Well I haven't updated for a while. I think I was in a funk. I wasn't getting pregnant! The damn Clear Blue Easy Fertility monitor wasn't making the whole process "Easier!" I just thought I would avoid talking about it. Cause maybe if I don't talk about it and don't write about it maybe it will get better... Nope that didn't help!! But I was still checking in on an infertility board with other women who have some of the same health issues I have. They chatted about all kinds of things. They could always make my day when I was feeling down and out. Then they started talking about acupuncture. And I was interested. I had never realized that acupuncture could help women with infertility problems. It just had never crossed my mind. I had just started to talk myself into going back to my doctor to get my prescription for Clomid. Which I had turned down the last time I was in there. I was so scared to get on any type of medication. I knew my body could do this I just didn’t know how to get it to that point. So that afternoon I read about the acupuncture I grabbed my local phone book and found an office in the town I live in and made an appt. Then the next day I logged on again and there were several girls talking about doing a sister match-up. So I thought you know I should do this. I can't really share what is really going on with anyone else in my life. No one I know truly understands what this is like. I singed up and ended up being matched with a WONDERFUL sister. Who actually was doing acupuncture also!! It was so wild I really felt hope for the first time in all this mess. I knew I could do this. Somehow!!! Well my sister and I started talking everyday she even had connections to a town near by. Even though she lives on the other side of the country I feel like I can share all this with someone who truly understands.

My first appointment was March 2nd I was sacred to death!!! I’m not the biggest fan of needles. Quite frankly I’m afraid of them in a little kid kind of way. So I kept having this reoccurring dream of me laying on a little bitty bed, naked with a tiny little sheet just covering the necessary bits in a big empty room. With a hundred or so needles placed in every inch of my body even in the soles of my feet. Then I would hear these rumbles and then the walls would start to shake and I then would realize its an earthquake!!!! And I can't move because I have a hundred's of needles sticking out of my flesh. Then as the earthquake ensued I would try to get up and yank out all my needles but my clothes were gone!! So all I had was this little tiny sheet!! I would start to panic and then I would wake up!!!

So needless to say I was quite worried about my 1st appt. But it went SOO well!!! So when I went in to the little room and sat down it wasn't at all as I had envisioned so that was good :) And when she came in it was like a peace fullness just followed her in. She has this calming affect ist amazing!!! She then asked me a couple questions then told me to stick out my tongue. She could tell instantly that I'm a worrier!! Now who would have thought that? Then she looked again at my tongue and at my eyes and she knew what kind of past health problems I have suffered from!! I was speechless!! She was right on the money!! She asked me a bunch of questions (I had also started charting in the last 2 weeks before I had gone so I showed her my chart too) and we talked about my PCOS and the lack of menstration and other things that had gone on health wise for about a half hour. And then she said that she would only work with me for 4 months so after that if it didn't work she didn't want to keep taking my money. I was shocked at that. She said if you don't improve in that time frame then this will not help you. You will need to know what your next step will be.
So I said okay all. I want to exhaust all my "natural" choices first then try the medications and what ever else my western doctors have up their sleeve. So I said lets do this thing!! She laid me down and it wasn't at all what I had expected. She placed maybe 7 or 8 needles in me. They were so tiny I couldn't even feel them. They weren't in the soles of my feet so I'm sure if there was an earthquake I could run. Not to mention I was FULLY DRESSED!!! YIPEE!! So I was happy about that. Then she said I'm going to leave you here for about a half hour so relax. Close your eyes and breath normally. And I did I even fell asleep!!

After I had laid there for the half hour she came in took the needles out and said she was going to give me some herbs. And I said okay. I went home and took my herbs and then within 5 days I had my present from Mother Nature!!! It was so weird it had probably been at least 4 years since I had a natural menstration. I was floored. I went back a week 7 days after the 1st appt. And told her and she was so happy. She was actually surprised how quickly my body is trying to heal it self!!! So Ive been back a total of 4 times and tomorrow is my 5th visit she has put me on 2 different herbs and I feel so much better I have soo much energy. My skin, eyes, nails every thing looks better. Food even tastes different. I even feel happier and I have more peace in my soul then before. I swear this has really done something to me that I can't explain. I don't want to understand it. I just want to experiance it and I pray it never changes.

With my charting it has shown that I'm possibly at a high point in my fertility and I really think I may have ovulated in the last 24 hours or so. So I'm really praying that I did!!! So thats my update I will try and do better about blogging from here on out. I'm not depressed about the lack of a child like I was before. I was really getting into a dark place. It was really starting to overwhelm me I think. But this accupuncture is a God send it really is. I don't think its for every one. In fact I have only told a very select few I've even done it. But I really think our bodies minds, and souls are more intwined then what I ever thought before.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

A Big Joke?

Everyday I wake up and try and tell myself that this whole infetility thing is NOT going to get me down today!! I'm not going to become a wailing idiot by crying over pregnancies and babies!!! I won't let myself be one of those types...
But then I get a phone call from a well meaning Aunt saying that my cousin who has only been seeing his girlfriend for less then a year has gotten her pregnant and they have been TRYING for all of 3 months!!!! Poor little dears!!! Bless their pea picking little hearts!!! So yet again another one of my cousins is going to have a baby and I have to watch her belly grow every week and help throw a shower for this women!! Why does this happen? Why is it that I can't have this? I'm swear its like this big Joke on ME!!! Lets see if she falls apart this time?

I was never a negative person I have ALWAYS been positive but this whole thing is beating me to the ground!!! Its so hard to stay positive in this enviroment. I can't take all this crap!!! Hell I have Aunts and friends telling me that "If I would just relax It would Happen!" Jeez thanks for the info I hadn't thought of that before!!! I just want to know what the hell the punch line is to this joke...

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Negative!!!!!!!!!!

Negative!!!!!!!!!!! My first cycle using this damn thing and it bombed!!! Big time!!! I had this little voice in the back of my head telling me it wasn't going to work. But I tried to tell my self to be Positive don't be Negative!!! You have to give it a try!! You'll never know unless you try!!! So I tried and I failed!!! Thats that!!! I know its just the 1st cycle that I've used it so I should just shrug this off and try again. So here we go again!!! The roller coster of infertility is soo great!!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Confused!!!

Ive kind of been avoiding my little blog here lately. I wanted to write but I didn't know where to begin so I did the easiest thing I could do: I stayed away from my computer!!!
My Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor and I have had a rocky relationship this cycle. She was fine and dandy for 5 whole days, then out of no where on day 6. The first day I was supposed to test, she froze!!! Nothing!!! She just couldn't do it. So I called the help line from the company had a thoroughly embarrassing emotional breakdown on the phone with one of the reps and they sent me a new one without even getting my old one back from me!! Plus 2 boxes of ovulation predictor sticks. So that was over-nighted to me. And I thought now maybe we can get back to business... No pun intended. So I peed on those little sticks everyday for days and days it seemed like and as Christmas rolled around I just hoped and prayed it would actually show my little egg on the screen. Well on Christmas it was still showing low fertility but I was okay with that, because I was at least doing something. This little monitor felt some what like a safety net or a magic 8 ball. I had SOMETHING!!! So we go to all of our little family Christmas parties and it was at my husband's grandmother's party that I got trapped into the conversation I wasn't sure I wanted to have yet. His cousin's wife had been trying to conceive for 2 years (little to our knowledge they always said they didn't want kids but oh well...) and so she had made an appointment with a specialist here in town. It was going to take about 3 months for him to see her so she was just going to wait. But then her girlfriend had given her the Clear Blue Easy Monitor and told her to use it till she saw the new doc. So she tried it and sure enough it worked!!! Well it worked for one because she is regular as clockwork. But I didn't say that. She has been trying to get me to get one for awhile but I really didn't want her knowing my business. See its okay for the whole of the blogging world to know that I'm not regular but I really don't want my family or my hubbs family to know!!! So she got knocked up and is the cute little pregnant momma I always wanted to look like... Well she started to grill me to see what we were trying now. If we had seen a specialist and I said no my crazy doctor wanted me to buy one of those damn monitors like what you used even though I'm not regular just to see if anything is happening. Then she said that she believes in them 100% and I didn't want to say well the jury is still out on my decision but I wasn't going to be all negative about it. Then she said that her first fertile day was a Peak she didn't even have any High days before her peak so to watch out and keep an eye on it. (duh) And that first peak for her was the 16th. Well it just so happened that I was standing there talking to her on my 14th cycle day. But I wouldn't let my hopes get up. I couldn't!!! So we go home I tell hubby about the convo with his knocked up cuz. And did the calculations in my head... (the 16th would be Saturday morning!!!) Well we went home next morning nothing. And then Saturday was a High day!!! Woohoo!!! We took advantage of that really quick!! I almost couldn't believe my eyes when I saw it. It was so cool!! Then every day for 10 days it was HIGH!!! I really started to worry when I didn't get a peak I had thought this would work and now I'm not so sure anymore. This past Monday it went back to LOW!! Day 26 of cycle!! I'm kind of down now. I don't really know where I stand. Then yesterday it was low and announced that Aunt Flow should be knocking on my door soon!!! Which I have no symptoms of what so ever. So if I don't get it I have to take a test. But it wouldn't show a positive till at least 2 weeks!!! But when would I calculate the 2 weeks from? the first high day or the last? See how this really F@cks with our heads!!! No wonder we all cry at the drop of a hat!!! So now I'm not going to allow my self to get my hopes up. This thing couldn't possible work!!! Or could it? I hate the 2 week wait...

 

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