The Morning After...

O Lordy!! Well the first thing I want to say is: that I want to hunt down the man who created the Hystrosalpingogram and lay him on his side on a gravel road. Then run my Ford Expedition over his Mr. Winky about 4 or 5 times and that MIGHT come close to the pain I experienced!! I have never in my life been lied to like that. Mild Cramping? Oh HELL NO!!! I don't know if I'm just the biggest baby on all creation but I tell you I was crying!!

My day started out raining like crazy!! It poured the whole way to the radiologist. The office is an hour away so it was kind of nasty and lonely cause hubbs wasn't able to go with me. And I was under the impression that it was going to be a piece of cake with slight cramping and so I had grand plans of going shopping in the big city on my own with out hubbs. So I get to the office in plenty of time to get checked in and watch a little of the Today Show. Not that I could tell you anything they were even talking about. But I sat there. The whole way down I had prayed that I would get a women radiologist or at the very least an older man... I still have not had to show my junk to a male doctor and I think at least point I'm starting to get a complex about having to show my vag willy nilly.... Yes I know I shouldn't be a prude and if you met me you would find out that in every other facet of my life I am not a prude!! But when it comes to having people scoping out my lady bits I have always preferred to have a female. So when I had my consult with the RE I had made myself all nervous about showing the prudish vag to him but I was getting prepared and got it set in my mind that I was going to do it. But then he never checked her out!!! So her she was all prepared for nothing!!! So I fell back into my old ways of being a prude and was worried all about it. And then a lady came and called me and she was SOOOOO sweet!! She took me to the back and we sat down and she went over the whole procedure (she left out the minor little detail of the freight train exploding through my uterus and having to try and turn while it did so) And we chatted and I signed some papers. She told me that its just a glorified pad smear and she said the Doctor who performs the procedure is just AWESOME!! He really is!! (Did you see that? Yes she said HE!!!) And then I know the panic really set in. I then thought I better tell her that my favorite Aunt still hasn't completely gotten her things packed up to leave yet. And she said that it shouldn't be a problem. I told her how embarrassing that was for me. And she said it does happen pretty frequently and not to worry. She then led me to a dressing room and she gave me the gown and I came out and she had me hop up on the table. But they didn't have any stirupps which was odd. I thought if they are doing this procedure wouldn't it help them with getting in there... So she told me I would need to scoot all the way down to the edge and curl my toes over the end of the table... How terrible is that? Okay I thought whatever!! Then she said for the time being just stretch out and relax for now and I will return with the doctor. I'm still praying that I get the twin of Doctor Spook or something Any man over the age of 55 would be nice. And I'm still praying I hear the door open and the lovely little nurse says Mrs. Farmer this is Dr. H!! Oh Holy Lord in Heaven I almost fell off the table!!! I think she must have ran down to the GQ casting call and pulled him out of line!! It was like meeting Adonis! He was BEAUTIFUL!!!! And in a totally manly way too!! And now I thought for sure that I was going to die from embarrassment! Can I just pull this sheet over my head for the rest of this? But no we had to make SMALL TALK!! Then the doc is prepping and he looks at his tools and asks the nurse why she has the pediatric speculum out? I was totally confused! Then she said well I thought it would be easier on her... Then he said no I want to us the bigger one. Which then of course now I'm nervous and when I'm nervous I start acting stupid and I said hey doc what a way to make a girl feel comfortable!! Tell her you need a bigger speculum!! Wow that's priceless!! And he I think got embarrassed and said no I wasn't meaning your big. I just thought it would be harder on you cause we will have to clamp down a lot harder... And he didn't finish then he said actually the one I'm going to use is a medium speculum. Then I said I guess that makes me feel a little better!! I have never been a medium my entire life!! And then he and the nurse chuckled. But then it was time to introduce Dr. GQ to Ms Vag and I was at this point in full blown panic mode. And he was being gentle and cute and I was wishing I was any where but here and then it said your going to feel some slight pressure... (Bull shit it felt like he stuffed his fist in there with a grocery sack of broken glass!!) This is from the balloon. (WTH a balloon!! Nobody told me any thing about a balloon!! And then he said your going to feel some slight cramping!!! (Minor is what I had heard before, now your telling me slight cramping?!! I'm starting to think I came to a Sadistic Radiology Clinic) So the pain was freaking terrible and then while your writhing in agony they want you to roll over on each side and hold it so they can take a picture!!! Dear Lord I was in so much pain and they were being nice I do have to say. But it was NOTHING!!! Like I had expected. Dr. GQ was actually very nice once it was all over I was almost light headed from all the pain but he wanted to make sure I was alright. And then he showed me the pics and told me I looked all clear. It flowed all the way through. I do have a ovary floating waaay up in no mans land i didn't know they could do that. My left ovary is sitting right where its supposed to and my Right is floating around like a boob er on a fishing pole. It looked kind of weird but he said its normal. And he said I did good and wished me luck and walked out. And then the nurse helped me up she said I know this is going to sound gross but you might want to put your sheet between your legs when you get up... As you can only imagine there is all kinds of nastiness that will arrive as you rise and are up and about the rest of the day. I did it!! I survived and all I had to do was clean up and get the hell out!!

Public Service Announcement:
Please please please if you have to have one of these done ask your doctor for a prescription for some sort of pain medicine!! Even if you aren't a baby like me I would have rather been over medicated then under medicated. I was told to take 600mg of Advil. I took 800mg cause I'm a baby...

Oh and pack your personal preference of feminine protection also. They have that yucky hospital stuff but I wouldn't want to have to get stuck with that riding around in my pants till I got home.

I will need to tell you all the rest of the story tomorrow Because the day got pretty weird after I left the radioloigist. It's super weird but awesome all at the same time.