Valued Blogger

My greatest Bloggy friend Marla just nominated me for this wonderful honor and I so I'm going to do the same...

Thank You VERY VERY Much Marla!!!!

Here are the rules:

1.Tell your readers how your journey into blogging began. Be as verbose or shy as you like.

2.Pick 3-5 fellow bloggers whom you adore and write what exactly it is you value about that person or their blog. The more you write about them the better. This is a chance to really appreciate your blog friends who have been there with and for you through thick and thin.

3.Let the blessed winners know they have been awarded.

That's it. Those are the rules. Now, before you think you can give the old line, "I don't want to pick anyone to pass this award onto because I don't want my readers to feel hurt if I don't pick them, so consider yourselves all tagged" I want you to realize that excuse tells all of your blog friends that you are wimping out, amongst other things. ;) Don't feel bad that you can't award everyone, the award will make its rounds and eventually everyone will get it. If you feel bad enough, you can always award more than 5 bloggers.


I started my blog after reading the blog of a local woman in my home town. She wrote about her kiddos and just everyday life with 5 babies!!! She was an inspiration. Then from her blog I linked to another local women who had triplets and was a farmers wife and her story just spoke to my soul!! I never thought about how amazing the everyday occurances where in life until I had someone put them up on a screen with pictures... It really got me thinking how much fun it would be to document everything from the everyday mundane to the huge screw ups I usually get myself into. I loved how she wrote and I loved how this Farmers wife put pictures with her story. I wanted that too. But I was scared to death to be as open with my whole story and my life as she was. I wondered how she got so many readers. I was amazed by this whole world of blogs that I had never realized exitsited outside of my soy bean fields. So I slowly started to post somethings. I went on hiatus a couple times when I just couldn't think of what people wanted to read. So I wouldn't write anything. But I kept reading my blog roll and thats how I found
The Pioneer Woman and my whole world imploded on me. She was me exactly, except that she is skinny and red headed and is able to produce children and they don't have crops they have cattle but her life mirrored mine somewhat. I read every chapter of her Black Heels to Tractor Wheels and I was hooked she kept me begging for more and it was then that I realized I shouldn't be looking for what people want to read... I should blog about what I enjoy writing and taking pictures of. Just worry about being me and not anyone else.


Now onto the blogs...

I am picking 3 because making clicky links is not my forte! But I read soo many blogs and I love so many!! But these are 3 that have touched my soul recently. They have been though a lot lately and I really would like you all to show them some extra loving!!!

1.) The Circus Princess This women has such a beautiful soul! I hate that she is going through such a horrible loss. But she is surfacing and slowly coming to a better place. She is dealing with IF in Europe and her husband is also serving our great country and I take my hat off to her she is a trooper!!! Circus Princess you are my hero!!! I'm praying for you and and your hubby.

2.) Sass Oh where do I begin with Sass? She is a girl I would love to have as my next door neighbor!! She seems like such an awesome indivdual who I could just sit and chat with! Oh and drink Chocolate milk with too. Her posts are so heart warming. But recently her grandmother was diagnosed with cancer and Sass is under quite a bit of stres with that and her mama not being very nice towards her right now. Sassy I'm thinking of you dear and sending you lots of Chocolate milk hugs!!! And wishing you could come and do farming things with me... :)

3.) Kacy at Infertility Instability is a fellow farmers wife she knows the ups and downs of living on a farm with a man whose whole world is tied to the land. I love having some one else who is in the same boat as I am. She recently has suffered a loss and also just celebrated her birthday and is just not in a good place right now. I hope and pray that she can sail through the darkness she is in and come through all this stronger. I know she will I just hate seeing so many strong women brought to their knees with IF!!

So please visit my friends and give them a cyber hug (comment)

And thank you muchly Marla for nominating me for this award even though it took me soo stinking long to post it!!!!

Love and Hugs too you all!!!

Fur Babies: Missy

This is one of our 3 kids. She is the most spoiled of all three. She is the princess and she won't let anyone think any different.

Missy is our lovely little brat that came to us when I was pretty sick a couple years ago. She was a barn cat in my sister in law's horse barn. It was a hot nasty summer and I was having a lot of health issues they couldn't solve. I would faint anytime I was standing upright for a short period of time. So they took my driving privileges away and I really couldn't do anything but sit on the couch or lay on the bed all day. I couldn't go to work because I fainted too many times there. And they were worried about my safety, So I stayed home all day. It got pretty lonely. And my sister in law brought up the idea of my getting a cat! She said she had the cutest little gray fuzz ball that needed somebody to love it. But there was one small problem, I hated cats!! I absolutely abhorred felines!! I was a holy terror to the cats at my parents house growing up. So I thought why in the hell would I want a cat now? My sister in law kept saying it would help me pass the time and I wouldn't be soo lonely since Mr. Farmer was working in the fields all the time. But I still didn't like the idea. And she said this little kitty needs somebody to take it! It's too pretty to be a barn cat!! Mr. Farmer and I both kept saying NO!!! And then one night my Hubbs and I were at his parents home. Mr. Farmer's sister called him and asked us how long we were going to be down there and he said for a little while why? She said just hang out till I get there. So when she gets to the house our niece jumps out of the truck with a little gray cotton ball in her hands. And then his sister comes around the front of the truck with a bag of cat food and says here... They dumped her in my arms and I actually have to say I think it was love at first for that little shit!!! She was soo cute!!! Little beady blue eyes. And my mothering instinct took hold of me. I had to take care of this little booger cause all her little mates were getting trampled by the horses and she was just too darn cute to live in a barn for the rest of her kitty kat life... So I became the proud parent of a kitty. But mind you I have never and will never be a "Cat Person" I am a "Missy Person!" But NEVER a Cat Person!!! It was soo funny because the whole thing ended up being a set up!! Mr. Farmer's Mama had already bought a kitty litter pan and litter for my little booger and she also had a big bag of feed for little Miss Pissy Pants. So we we were had!!!





Missy became my little buddy. She never left my side when I was sick. When I was in the hospital she would hide until I came home. And then return to her normal routine of sitting on me or as close to me as possible for 24 7. She was the one thing/person I could vent all my frustrations too when the doctors couldn't figure my symptoms out. I'm not saying I couldn't talk about all this to Mr. Farmer. I just didn't want to complain to my hubby all the time. I knew he was under a lot of pressure. We were newlyweds his father had just had a stroke and here I was not able to stand for 10 minutes without ending up on the floor. So I did a lot of venting to the cat. She could take it. And when she had heard enough bitching and moaning she would just roll over stretch, yawn and fall asleep.



But I felt better having a beating heart near me. It made me feel like I was needed. And for the most part pretending like they needed me even though I wasn't a whole lot of use to anybody at that point in time. She was my anchor to sanity and that's a lot to write about a cat but its true. I had some dark days back then. But with the help of my kitty kat and my hubby they got me though it. It was 6 long months of endless tests and crazy miss-diagnosis. Thank God all that's over!! That's been almost 3 years ago and now Missy Pissy cat won't sit with me anymore. She loves her daddy a lot more then me. But I like to think of her as just being in her teenage years right now:) One day she will be my buddy again. She still follows me around everywhere. She just won't sit on my lap as often as she used to.


She watches TV with me all the time... This one looks like she didn't want me to change the station :)

Who would have thunk it!!!!

I never thought I would type this much less think it!!
Last night I was preparing for bed. I'm a creature of habit. Its pretty bad. I have to do certain things in a certain order or I just dont feel right. Yes I know that is OCD type behaviour... So last night I had washed my face and got ready to pull my meds, sharps containter, alcohol prep pads etc out of the cabinet and set up my little drug station to inject my meds... Then it hit me that I wasn't going to be doing that again. Not tonight and not for a good while!! I was really out of sorts almost. I felt like I had gotten told all over again that my cycle was cancelled. But this time I thought screw it!! I'm not going to cry about this again!! These hormones aren't going to keep kicking my butt! So I put my meds back in the cabinet and sat down. Then I saw the box of opk's! And I remembered reading how all the girls on the nest would do an opk right after trigger. And I actually thought that sounded desperate at the time to be quite honest. But I thought Fu$k it!! I'm going to pee on a stick!! I have stacks of those darn opk's and I will actually see two lines for a change. So I did it!! It ended up being the highlight of my day!! I peed on that stick and within seconds it was changing. I never in a million years thought that I would get a positive opk. So that was a good boost for the spirits at least. I didn't tell hubby I thought he would think I was nuts for wanting to waste them. But hey its good to know they weren't a bad batch after all!!! I was actually starting to wonder. I have probably peed on a hundred of them and never once saw 2 lines. But not this time!!!

I took a picture with my cell phone so its not a good quality picture! This is the first time I have ever taken a picture of my urine! I'm so glad I got to share this milestone event with you all!!

Cancelled

I hate that word. I never thought to much about my use of the word cancelled until this week. And now that's the only word I can think about...

It's official my cycle has been cancelled due to lack of growth. My E2 level was at a 121 this morning but my follies never grew. Friday my E2 was at 92 so that jumped pretty well. I had around 15 to 20 follies on each side but they weren't even to the 10mm mark. The 2 good ones I had, never got any bigger then they were last week. I'm disappointed and frustrated. I can't see how women have gone through this cycle after cycle after cycle. I'm so depressed today. I don't want to do it again but I know I have to. We can't do a cycle in December because ovulation will most likely fall around Christmas. And they said that is too stressful and Christmas Eve and Christmas day are the only 2 days they are closed. So now we are being pushed back to at least the first of January for the next medicated cycle.

We have to talk about our plans. It's cheaper to do an IUI we just don't know how we feel about it.

I have to give myself the Ovidrel shot at some point today to get my body to the luteal phase . I almost don't even want to bother with it. But she says it will bring on my period. So Supposedly in the next 2 weeks I will start. So that's that!

Karma is a Bit@h!!!

I think my whining from the other day about the fact that I feel like I'm being taken advantage of has woken up mean Mama Karma... She has shown her ugly face!!!!

Yesterday I was so upset about my appointment I couldn't even drive back to work. Yes I had to work on black Friday... But that is beside the point. I went in to the practically dark medical office, all the offices in the building were closed except Dr. B's and take my seat. I tend to arrive as early as possible for my monitoring appts so I can get out of there asap and drive back to work 30+ minutes. So I slip into the waiting room and sit down. On the weekends/Fridays Jane the Receptionist isn't there. So I wait for the Nurse Prac to come out and see me waiting. While waiting I start hearing a baby cry. A BABY CRYING!!! That should have been the first inclination that I had that this appointment was going to go sour... So I think maybe its a woman... Yeah right there isn't anything here that would make a woman cry like that!! Some idiot woman has brought her child to an INFERTILITY CLINIC!!! Pardon my french: But WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I just read my magazine and try and focus on the article I'm reading and the kid just keeps making noise. This time I'm figuring out that it is probably a toddler. Cause I can hear someone trying to reason with him/her. So I'm still sitting alone in the waiting room. Then 2 couples walk in and take a seat and my Nurse Prac. Finally comes out and says it may be just a little bit. A while later she calls me for blood work. I walk back in to the hall. And it smells like someone has just had a poop party right in the ultrasound room or right outside it. So I walk back to the blood draw room. By now its wafting through the whole freaking place. I was actually starting to wonder if I stepped in some sort of animal excrement when I left my good ole country home... But then I surely would have smelled that on the 40 minute drive right? So I sit down and the tech runs back down the hall and I hear her spraying some sort of chemical and then I realize she is spraying Lysol... I said what happened? I asked if someone got the shit scared out of them in the ultrasound room? And she said no. For some reason this girl ahead of me brought her child. He had dropped a deuce in the hallway. But I guess it was a major production and the mama instead of going out of the office to the public restroom changed him on the floor in front of the blood draw station!!!! Please tell me that doesn't just freak you out a little bit?
The tech tried to tell her to go out to the public hallway but the mother refused!! The tech told her there was a baby changing station out there also. But the mother just said no the floor will be fine....

So I get my blood drawn and then had to go back out to the waiting room because this woman had such a huge mess to clean up. And then she ended up putting us other girls behind on our US because she brought her child with her. But get this: she also had her mother with her. So Why wouldn't you have had your mom wait outside in the car or downstairs in the hospital/public waiting area with your child instead of bringing him up here to run around in front of a bunch of infertile women?

When they finally got her squared away and she left I got to get my ultrasound done. This was when the fun began...

She started with my left ovary. I was pretty sensitive and I was praying that it was a good sign. She had a funny look on her face and then she squinted and bit her lip and then I asked is there anything going on in there? And she said well... We have one follie at 10mm... I then asked if that was the same follie and she said yes. And then she roamed around all over that side and said that's it. You don't have anymore growth or anymore that could catch up at this point. Then she said lets take a look at the right side... It wasn't any better the same one from the other day was still at 8mm. So she looked some more and then said she was finished. At this point I felt like the walls were shrinking. My ears felt muffled and I thought an elephant had just landed on my chest. She started to clean things up I asked her will I grow anymore before the next appt? And she said I will need to check with Dr. B but there may not be another monitoring appt. Based on your blood work we may have to cancel this cycle... WTF???!!!! I then started to cry and she said your blood work may show that your levels are high so he may do one more appointment. But I can't guarantee that. He wants us to be up front and honest with our patients and not lead them on... I was crying pretty hard by now. I couldn't understand all of the information she was giving me. Something about not wanting old eggs or old follies or something. And how were are getting to the end of the perfect time frame. Then she said don't
worry you may very well be back here on Sunday. And if not there is always the next cycle!!! I will call you before noon to tell you what he said and how your blood work came back. Then she asked if I had anymore questions. I couldn't think of any. And she left. I just sat there bare assed on the table and cried! I thought about Mr. Farmer, his Mama. I thought about how I had planned on telling our parents at Christmas. I thought about the empty bedroom in our house waiting for a child and all its little play things to fill it. And then I realized I had to call my hubby and tell him what she said. And I still had to walk out into a waiting room full of hopeful patients. With my eyes and nose beat red. So I blew my nose and got dressed. I wiped the mascara off my check and tried to make myself presentable. I walked out and wrote the check in a daze. And then when I filled out the amount I felt like I did this! I complained about the price of all these appointments and now I may not have anymore!!! Why did I do that? What is another $500 if it fills my arms up?

I got down the hall and out the elevator with no problems but as I walked out the front door a brand new daddy was loading up all the gifts from his wife's hospital room. I lost it! He even had to have a freaking Carhart coat on and a John Deere baseball cap!! What is God doing to me? I cried all the way to my truck. I sat down in my seat and this daddy was loading everything into the SUV and then checked to make sure the base for the car seat was secure. I couldn't watch! But it was like a car accident I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He was readying everything for the ride home.

I backed out and the tears just gushed and gushed. I felt so guilty for being so petty about the money. And for not trying harder. I wasn't sure what else I was supposed to do but I just felt like this was my fault. I called Farmer. He couldn't understand me for the most part. He just kept saying we will get though it and take it one day at a time. Don't worry! We always make it though... Don't cry! I think he felt bad about not making it to that appt. But as far as we both knew it was just routine monitoring.

Colleen called me around 10:30 and said that my Estrogen levels were at 92 and they like to see them at 100 for ovulation. And because my levels were rising Dr. B was giving the girls one more chance to prove them selves. He won't up the dosage of Gonal-F because he doesn't like to do that twice in one cycle. So Sunday morning I go back for my monitoring appt. I'm praying very hard for my girls to wake up and grow!! I don't know what else to do!

I'm sorry this was so long I just had to get it all off my chest.