Like I said the weather was freaking TERRIBLE!! And there is nothing more depressing then a cold, rainy and nasty day. But add an HSG to your schedule and your day has gone to pot before you have even begun. So I get out of the clinic and call my hubbs and my voice is still trembling cause I was still kind of in shock over Dr. GQ and his torture chamber! So Hubby could tell I was hurting. So he asked me what the doc said and if he thought I was ok etc. And I said that he gave me the all clear!! So Hubbs was happy and we talked for a few more minutes but he had to go cause he was hauling grain. So I told him I was going to run to my Aunt A.'s (my mother's little sister) house and visit with her for a bit and then if I feel better I might just get some shopping done. The town where my RE's office is at, is "The Big City" it's an hour away from our home and it has 2 Malls!!! And I never ever get to shop anymore so I was going to have to will myself to feel better so I could go and shop!!
So I'm pulling out of the hospital parking lot and I start dialing what I thought was my aunt's telephone number and come to find out it wasn't!! Lord a mercy was I shocked when my Grandmother picked up!! This is my mom's mother. And at this point in time there has been a lot of bad blood going on in my mother's family. My mother has a huge family and her brothers are all farmers and they got into a big fight with my mom, her 2 sisters and 1 of her brothers and the farm and business ended up getting split up. Well my mom's mother sided with my mother's brothers. And hasn't spoken to my mom since it happened. I actually had only seen my Grandmother once since this all took place and it was at Christmas Last year. So here out of the clear blue sky I accidentally call my Grandmother who of course is at home!! (Where else would an 82 year old woman be at on a nasty ass day?) And she was all surprised when I called of course!! And I know I sounded shocked as shit when she answered. I wish I could have had it recorded because I was soo stunned that she was answering my aunt's phone... Then I put 2 & 2 together and realized I had fu$ked up and so I was like Hey grandma I'm in the area do you mind if I stop in to see you? She was shocked and was a little confuzzeled and said: yes,... uh... okay, I think that should be fine. She wanted to know what I was down here for and of course I told her I was here for a doc appt. And I hung up and thought oh shit what are we going to talk about?! My family doesn't see each other I haven't seen her in almost a year!! But I need to see her she is getting older and isn't in good health maybe its meant to be that I stop in and see her. So I had to get my story straight in my head. I thought if I tell her I'm meeting a friend for lunch at 12:30 that way I won't have to stay too long and at this point its already after 11:00 so I drive over to her house which is less then 5 min from Dr GQ's torture chamber. And I run in and we talk small talk for a little while avoiding all subjects that would involve talking about my mother (Whom I don't really get along with) and my uncles whom my grandmother sided with so she then asks what I was getting done. She had thought I had all my docs in my new home town now. And then I thought you know I'm just going to bite the bullet and tell a little of this to my grandmother. I really have no women in my life to talk about this to (Except my bloggy girls.) So I break down and say we have been going to a fertility specialist. To find out why we haven't been able to get pregnant. And she was actually interested!! She asked me questions then asked me what I did today and I said I had a procedure done. She could tell I wasn't feeling well. I told her how they told me it would be a glorified pap smear... yada yada!! Then she said oh yeah right kind of like the mammogram that we women have to have!! She says that it must have been a man that invented all these damn tests!!! I would like to put his balls in that damn mammogram machine and I bet after that torture they would find a better way to check for cancer!! She said if there wasn't anything wrong with your tits before you got there, there's something wrong with them now!! She cracks me up when I talk to her. We had a good convo. I didn't tell her everything. My grandmother was super fertile she had a couple miscarriages though and 1 stillborn. So I guess she understands a little I mean I would rather be in my situation and not be able to get pregnant. Then being able to get pregnant and not be able to carry it to term... I thought about that for awhile and then realized it was getting close to 12:15 and I wasn't in as much pain and I had mentioned that I was meeting a friend for lunch so I kissed her goodbye and she told me good luck and that she would pray for me... I think I needed that even though I didn't think I would ever be close to my grandma again it was good for us both...
But the day still isn't over yet...
So I start driving down the strip and I know that I'm not hungry so I thought I will run to Barnes and Noble cause I never get to go there anymore unless I'm down here in "The Big City" and maybe by the time I get out of there I will be hungry. So I run in there and once I'm in B&N I could be lost in there for hours. I LOVE books so I pick up some books for me and then look in the children's dept for my nephews and before I know it I have an arm load of stuff. So I head down stairs. I'm starting to get hungry. As I'm going down the escalator I notice the display of the 70th anniversary of the Wizard of Oz!! My dad's baby sister N. is a huge fan of the Wizard of Oz and so I walk over and look at the table and I instantly think of her and her daughter S. because her daughter S. collects all things Wizard of Oz. Then I walk away from the table and I hear a women call my name. I turn around and its my Aunt N.!!! She lives about 8 minutes from my house in poe dunk Indiana and we both happen to be at B&N in "The Big City" on a week day. When we both work!! WTH? So I run over and I give her a hug. This Aunt was my shoulder to cry on during the preparation for my wedding. She helped me so much back then. And she was so surprised to see me as I was her. And she asked what are you doing down her? I said well I had a dr. appt. And then she raised an eyebrow and said aren't all your docs back home? And I said well I'm seeing a specialist. And then I could tell she got the drift then she asked me who I was seeing? And I told her Dr. B he is really good. And she said well you know that your Aunt D. (Another aunt on my dad's side by marriage) and I went to Dr. G. to get pregnant. I said well I kind of remember hearing little bits but I was a teenager and that all didn't register back then. And she then asked what I had done today. And I told her I had an HSG. And she said OMG!!! And your shopping? Are you crazy?!!! She told me hers had been soo painful! She just laid on the couch all weekend. I said yes it was terrible but I wanted to try and do some shopping while I was down her. Then she asked if I had eaten and I said no I had actually lied to my grandma and I told her I was meeting a friend for lunch!! And she said well I don't want you to lie to her!! So lets go eat! She took me to this great little Cafe that was dead!! It was quiet and cozy. And so we sat down and started talking about all of the trouble she had gone though to get my cousin S. My Aunt N. was 40 when she finally got pregnant. (She is 50 now) I knew back then that it was a big deal. But nobody in my family talks about infertility and so I never asked what her and my other aunt's infertility issues were. It always seems like the wrong place and time to bring it up. So I never did. Come to find out my Aunt N. has the same thing I have, PCOS! And she had to also have a cyst removed by surgery. But it was just soo amazing to sit down and talk to someone in my family about all this. I felt somewhat isolated because on both sides every body has babies and its just a given that your going to have them too. And when we weren't they all started bombarding us with the: "Your not getting any younger" or "Don't you want kids?" And we would always play it off. But it was soo hard!! My Aunt N and I talked about all the treatments she went through and the treatments that my other Aunt went though. It was amazing to hear it from someone else. I don't know why but I think I really needed all that on Thursday. It helped with the whole processing of emotions. I mean what are the odds that I would find the only blood relative that I have that has dealt with infertility in a city that big on her afternoon off. And who just happened to have time to spend the rest of the day talking about her wonky ovaries? And how similar our paths were but yet we never knew till that afternoon. I know this probably doesn't sound as wild to you as it does to me but I believe that everything happens for a reason and my bumping into my Aunt N. on that day wasn't a coincidence. I was finally able to sit down and talk to someone just like I would with my mom if my mom wasn't freaking nuts. My Aunt N. helped me with my wedding because my mom was going berserk and then after all that quieted down my Aunt and I hadn't really gotten to talk or catch up or anything. She knew that we must have been struggling because she knew how much I loved children. But she never saw a good opportunity to bring up the infertility conversation with me. And she knows how hard it is for me to not have a mother that I can talk too. I have a mom but my mother is very judgemental and believes that one of the reasons why the farmer and I haven't gotten pregnant is because of the sinful lives we have led... And the fact that I don't go to church anymore. My mother is the ultimate holy roller. I haven't really seen too many that could out do her. So because she believes the way she does. She also doesn't think that children that are conceived say through IUI or IVF or some other method other then "the marital bed" that they won't have a soul. Which I whole heartily disagree with!!!! So I just don't tell my mother ANYTHING!! I don't want her telling people my babies don't have a soul. But I still wish sometimes that I could talk to a woman about the pain of a procedure or the hopes that I have or the dreams or fears of all this. Because it is really hard to talk about some of this stuff with my hubby. But like I said I truly think God knew I needed my Aunt N. and he sent her and we had a beautiful afternoon talking about everything involved in this infertility journey. It was 5:30 when we left the Cafe. I didn't do any more shopping that night. Because I was to excited to tell Farmer everything that had happened.
That's it there ain't no more I hope you didn't fall asleep!! :)
Oh and from here on out I promise not to write this long of a post! I just had too many back stories to catch you all up on.
