A Big Joke?

Everyday I wake up and try and tell myself that this whole infetility thing is NOT going to get me down today!! I'm not going to become a wailing idiot by crying over pregnancies and babies!!! I won't let myself be one of those types...
But then I get a phone call from a well meaning Aunt saying that my cousin who has only been seeing his girlfriend for less then a year has gotten her pregnant and they have been TRYING for all of 3 months!!!! Poor little dears!!! Bless their pea picking little hearts!!! So yet again another one of my cousins is going to have a baby and I have to watch her belly grow every week and help throw a shower for this women!! Why does this happen? Why is it that I can't have this? I'm swear its like this big Joke on ME!!! Lets see if she falls apart this time?

I was never a negative person I have ALWAYS been positive but this whole thing is beating me to the ground!!! Its so hard to stay positive in this enviroment. I can't take all this crap!!! Hell I have Aunts and friends telling me that "If I would just relax It would Happen!" Jeez thanks for the info I hadn't thought of that before!!! I just want to know what the hell the punch line is to this joke...

Negative!!!!!!!!!!

Negative!!!!!!!!!!! My first cycle using this damn thing and it bombed!!! Big time!!! I had this little voice in the back of my head telling me it wasn't going to work. But I tried to tell my self to be Positive don't be Negative!!! You have to give it a try!! You'll never know unless you try!!! So I tried and I failed!!! Thats that!!! I know its just the 1st cycle that I've used it so I should just shrug this off and try again. So here we go again!!! The roller coster of infertility is soo great!!

Confused!!!

Ive kind of been avoiding my little blog here lately. I wanted to write but I didn't know where to begin so I did the easiest thing I could do: I stayed away from my computer!!!
My Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor and I have had a rocky relationship this cycle. She was fine and dandy for 5 whole days, then out of no where on day 6. The first day I was supposed to test, she froze!!! Nothing!!! She just couldn't do it. So I called the help line from the company had a thoroughly embarrassing emotional breakdown on the phone with one of the reps and they sent me a new one without even getting my old one back from me!! Plus 2 boxes of ovulation predictor sticks. So that was over-nighted to me. And I thought now maybe we can get back to business... No pun intended. So I peed on those little sticks everyday for days and days it seemed like and as Christmas rolled around I just hoped and prayed it would actually show my little egg on the screen. Well on Christmas it was still showing low fertility but I was okay with that, because I was at least doing something. This little monitor felt some what like a safety net or a magic 8 ball. I had SOMETHING!!! So we go to all of our little family Christmas parties and it was at my husband's grandmother's party that I got trapped into the conversation I wasn't sure I wanted to have yet. His cousin's wife had been trying to conceive for 2 years (little to our knowledge they always said they didn't want kids but oh well...) and so she had made an appointment with a specialist here in town. It was going to take about 3 months for him to see her so she was just going to wait. But then her girlfriend had given her the Clear Blue Easy Monitor and told her to use it till she saw the new doc. So she tried it and sure enough it worked!!! Well it worked for one because she is regular as clockwork. But I didn't say that. She has been trying to get me to get one for awhile but I really didn't want her knowing my business. See its okay for the whole of the blogging world to know that I'm not regular but I really don't want my family or my hubbs family to know!!! So she got knocked up and is the cute little pregnant momma I always wanted to look like... Well she started to grill me to see what we were trying now. If we had seen a specialist and I said no my crazy doctor wanted me to buy one of those damn monitors like what you used even though I'm not regular just to see if anything is happening. Then she said that she believes in them 100% and I didn't want to say well the jury is still out on my decision but I wasn't going to be all negative about it. Then she said that her first fertile day was a Peak she didn't even have any High days before her peak so to watch out and keep an eye on it. (duh) And that first peak for her was the 16th. Well it just so happened that I was standing there talking to her on my 14th cycle day. But I wouldn't let my hopes get up. I couldn't!!! So we go home I tell hubby about the convo with his knocked up cuz. And did the calculations in my head... (the 16th would be Saturday morning!!!) Well we went home next morning nothing. And then Saturday was a High day!!! Woohoo!!! We took advantage of that really quick!! I almost couldn't believe my eyes when I saw it. It was so cool!! Then every day for 10 days it was HIGH!!! I really started to worry when I didn't get a peak I had thought this would work and now I'm not so sure anymore. This past Monday it went back to LOW!! Day 26 of cycle!! I'm kind of down now. I don't really know where I stand. Then yesterday it was low and announced that Aunt Flow should be knocking on my door soon!!! Which I have no symptoms of what so ever. So if I don't get it I have to take a test. But it wouldn't show a positive till at least 2 weeks!!! But when would I calculate the 2 weeks from? the first high day or the last? See how this really F@cks with our heads!!! No wonder we all cry at the drop of a hat!!! So now I'm not going to allow my self to get my hopes up. This thing couldn't possible work!!! Or could it? I hate the 2 week wait...

Merry Christmas

This Christmas has been a touch emotional for me. I can't believe how blessed my husband and I have been this year. The last several days I've been thinking about my Farmer and how he acts when he wants something or sets a goal, he goes after it and does not stop until he gets it. Case in point: Our New Barn. He worked so hard to get it. He moved mountains (dirt lots of it. And with a tractor) to get this here for our little farm. For our business to be more productive. I'm soo proud of him!!!
He works SOOO hard for us to have a good life and a happy warm home and I want to appreciate him for that. I don't know if its the left over hormones in my system or what. But I could just cry when I think about everything he does for me. Words can't describe how I feel for him and I don't even want to try cause they would just sound contrived. So please think about the ones you love today and throughout this holiday. Be thankful for what they do for you, and not what they don't do or what they could do better. And have a VERY MERRY Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!
Love & Hugs to all!!!!

A Modern Day Barn Raising

Well they finally started on our barn this week they showed up with the materials on Tuesday. And started to build on Wednesday. They say they will have it done by this coming Tuesday. Dear Hubby has been like a kid on Christmas morning all week!!! I love it!!! His eyes are just shining now!!! I'm so happy for him!! He is finally getting his wish!! This farm is truly turning into "His" Farm!! His finger print is starting to show on so many projects and I've never been more proud!!! The pictures above are from today and below are from yesterday