I cracked the door...

...of the Infertility closet and stuck my bright 1940's secretary red polished toe out and let the light hit it....

I'm not going to say I have come completely out of the closet like one of my heroes But I'm taking baby steps to get to that point. Last night was our monthly book club meeting and it was fantastic!! When I walked into that meeting last night the thought of announcing my struggle to conceive a child was not on the forefront of conversation topics. I use my book club meetings as some what of an escape. Maybe an escape from reality. Que: Queen!!! ::I'm just a poor boy nobody likes me...:: But really I hate to say this, but with all the trials that test a soul it is nice to just step out of it all sometimes. And that is what my book club bubble has become for me. A getaway. So last night we discussed last month's book which was quite gut wrenching to read. It was: In Harm's Way by: Doug Stanton. Which is the story of the sinking of the USS Indianapolis. Which was a very tragic event in WWII. I have to say there was so much information it was hard to read. And the author was VERY GRAPHIC in his description of what happened to these men. But that isn't what led me to crack the door to my closet. We had such a flowing conversation on this book. We got worked up and angry at the government who didn't protect Our Soldiers. We cried about the terrible losses this country had because of it. But then with that we walked our way into so many different places in our discussions. And some how or another we found ourselves in a discussion about labor & delivery, babies and the all too common ttc conversations. Someone mentioned that they would have loved to have gotten the chance of "Trying" to get pregnant instead of being surprised each time. And then she said it must be fun to just be able to "Try?" And then it just spewed forth from my mouth! I couldn't catch it! No it's not!!! I stated! Try, 2 years of having to "Try." I saw the words floating out in front of me. With no way to stop them! I haven't EVER told ANYBODY that in a public setting! Except here where I'm safe to express my feelings. I only have a aunt who knows and 2 close friends who somewhat know what we are dealing with but they don't quite know the extent and here I just announced to the whole room the TTC sucks!! I just brought my reality into my Never Never Land. I led it by the hand into the room kicking and screaming as I dragged her. But here is the surprising thing: After I had said it we talked about it and the conversation naturally moved along to other things. But something changed in me!! It didn't feel like I had that scarlet letter "I" embroidered on my heart anymore. Even though no one in the room even noticed I had made such a monumental step last night. I felt better about it. Okay, now women I don't know that well, know something about me, my own family doesn't even know! But it felt GREAT! Why? I have no idea. But like I said it was a huge step in accepting this whole pile of crap I've been dealt and as of late I have tried hard to avoid. Mostly because there are so many more major things going on in our lives. One being Mama Farmer's illness. But today is the start of her final chemo. She will get hooked up in about 2 hours and will carry her last pack of chemo around for the next 48 hours. On Friday they will remove it and that will be it for treatments!! God Willing in 4 to 6 weeks when she goes in for her next PET scan she will be Cancer FREE!!! And then maybe 2 months after that we can slowly get some semblance of order back into our lives. She will get her sense of taste back, she will begin to slowly gain some weight and won't look like a little girl playing dress up in her mother's clothes. Maybe my husband and I can get a little bit of our old routine back... And then maybe, just maybe I could begin to think about treatments for myself again... I just feel so hopeful today!! All because of one outburst!!! Who would have thought saying something I have been afraid of admitting to would make me feel better?